“You are the prettiest girl in town,” he murmured. I looked at him and laughed. “Actually, that was a lie; you’re the most beautiful woman.” He reached over and brushed my hair back from my face. When I met his eyes, I could see that the comment was his truth. It gave me flutters in my chest and a smile that pushed at my cheeks forcefully.
“Back then, I was awkward and strange. I was mean to the people I didn’t like. I was mean to Tyler. He just wanted to be everyone’s friend and I went around hating on everything because I felt too claustrophobic in this little town.” I sighed. “I was the redheaded stepchild of Moama.”
He chuckled. “The redheaded stepchild?”
“Yeah, you know; hard to love.”
His eyes shifted between mine. “I don’t think you’re hard to love at all.”
The comment turned those flutters into a lead weight that stuttered as it dropped in my chest. I wasn’t ready to hear those words. I wasn’t ready to even have them hinted at. I wasn’t ready to be loved. I was only ready to be cared for.
“Anyway…” To cover up my discomfort, I let out my breath and tried to steer the conversation back to its origins. “I don’t know if letting Ty spend time with Graeme is a good or bad thing. I might call Susan and ask her advice. You never know, she might actually talk to me this time.” I had tried to talk to her when I called her with Ty to say happy Christmas, but she’d been dismissive.
“One can only hope,” he said, his voice soft, his hand back to its resting place on my hip.
“What do you think I should do?” I asked against the quiet.
“Ty isn’t my son. So I don’t think I get a say.” His words sounded a little sad.
“But if he was, or if you were me—in my position—what would you do?”
“I’d let him see his grandfather and swim in the pool.” His response came quickly. He didn’t need to think at all.
I lowered my eyes, thinking about it. “I still think I should tell Susan first. I don’t want her to think I’ve gone behind her back. It might make things worse.”
“Do what you need to do. Just remember that it’s Ty who’s affected most by all of this. He’s growing up without a father.”
“He’s got plenty of father figures.”
Jude smiled. “Yes, he does. It’s just…different when a parent is missing.”
Realising that he was talking from his own experience, I placed a hand on his chest, my fingers moving gently through the soft dark hair that spread lightly across his pecs. I could sense his sadness, feel his own loss mingling with mine. We were two broken souls lying naked in a darkened room. I wondered if we could possibly fix each other or if we were doomed to fail just because souls couldn’t be fixed with words or things like glue and sticky tape. No. Souls remained broken, and at best, they became scarred over time. Like a shattered vase, they were never the same.
“Do you want to see something and laugh?” I asked, breaking my thoughts before they got too dark.
“Sure.” He rolled slightly as I got out of bed and he smiled as he watched me slip into my silk dressing gown. “You really are beautiful, Sarah. Don’t ever think you aren’t.”
I blushed. “Thank you.” Then I went over to my cupboard and dug through the junk that had been stored away over the years, pushing aside clothes that went out of fashion ten years ago but were probably back in now.
“Here it is,” I said, finding an old Clarks shoebox and taking it over to the bed.
“What’s this?” Jude asked, sitting up as I crawled onto the bed and set the box between us.
“Old photos.” I tapped the top of the box, smiling at the memories I knew were inside. Then I lifted the lid. “I present to you ‘The Awkward Phase of Sarah Kennedy’. It lasted pretty much from birth until I turned eighteen.” I pulled out a school photo, my hair a frizzy mess, thick glasses on my eyes and braces dominating my teeth.
Jude chuckled. “You were adorable. How old are you here?”
“Fourteen, I think. It didn’t really get much better from there. The kids used to tease me and say I had steel wool for hair. Sometimes they said it was pubes. I spent hours watching YouTube videos to figure out how to control it before I left for uni.”
“And what happened to these nifty glasses?” He pointed to the thick frames.
“Laser eye surgery. It was my graduation present after high school.”
He picked up a few photos, smiling at each one. “I still would have liked you this way.”
I laughed. “You wouldn’t have looked at me twice if I still looked this way.”
He sifted through a few photos and picked up one taken at my year ten formal, flipping it around in his fingers to show it to me.
“Oh wow. I remember how much I loved that dress.” Its navy bodice had been detailed with diamantes and it had a short tulle skirt. “I thought that bodice looked like the midnight sky. I went stag. Hired a car with a couple of girlfriends. I felt like a princess.”
“I don’t think any of these boys would have been worthy of your company.” He sifted through a few more pictures from the night, setting them aside one at a time. I caught a glimpse of a boy with golden hair and a million-watt smile and picked it up, pretty much gawking at it. He was so young, so full of life. The picture showed him before any symptoms had taken hold.
“He’s looking at you in that one.” Jude’s voice was gentle as he pointed to the photo.
“It’s probably just the angle.” I shrugged and set it aside, a little embarrassed I reacted the way I did. But it was Tyler. Seeing him in these photos only served to remind me how much time I’d wasted hating on him, and how little time he had on this earth. He would have been sixteen in that photo. After that, he only had six years left of his life.
“He’s definitely looking at you. How could he not? You looked beautiful that night. Anyone who’s worth a damn can see that you’ve always been beautiful.”
I smiled, tucking the photo away so we didn’t have to keep talking about it. “Flattery will get you everywhere, Jude Baker.”
“Don’t hide it, Sarah. Don’t try to pretend you aren’t affected by seeing him. You loved the guy. That doesn’t go away because he died too soon.”
“It doesn’t feel fair to you.”
“We all have someone or something in our past that broke our hearts. Shit, I know I do. I fucked up more relationships than I can count, I hurt people, and people hurt me. But that’s life, right? You don’t always get to keep your first love. But you live on carrying those scars on your heart. You shouldn’t hide them, they’re a part of who you are.”
“Who broke your heart, Jude?”
He picked up the photo I hid, studying it with a sad smile. “That would be quite the list. But ultimately, I think the person who broke it most was me.”
“Then tell me about the first girl you loved.”
Putting the photo back in the box, he laced his fingers together, leaning on his knees. “Anastasia Gregory. I met her through a friend when I was out celebrating my twenty-fifth birthday.”
“What happened?”
“I married her.”
“You were married?” I was shocked.
He chuckled. “Don’t act so surprised. People have found my ‘awkward charm’ desirable before,” he joked, quoting me.
“I didn’t mean it that way. I just didn’t know that about you.”
“It was one of my greatest failures. I don’t exactly advertise it.”
“What do you mean?”
He sighed then lay back against his pillows. “We burned bright. But it didn’t translate into everyday life. She ended up finding someone else, then told me I was emotionally unavailable. She was right. She wanted me to open up. I wanted to keep my secrets close to my heart. It created a rift that eventually grew so large we couldn’t cross it. So we ended. That’s basically how every relationship ended. Eventually, I just quit trying.”
“You have secrets?”
His eyes met
mine and he didn’t speak for a beat, his arms stretching up to rest behind his head. “Don’t we all?”
I shook my head. “You already know all mine—I helped my husband kill himself. That was huge for me. I don’t share that information with anyone. But to you, I’m somewhat of an open book.”
The corner of his mouth turned upward. “And I’ll tell you all of mine. Just give me time. I haven’t always been this version of me.”
Tears pushed against the backs of my eyes and I had to look away to keep them from falling. “You know, up until this moment, I’d thought that you were the opposite to Tyler in every way. But he kept secrets too. They almost tore us apart.” Shoving the photos back in the box, I got up and stuffed it back in the wardrobe, breathing deep to regain my composure before I turned around. Why did I always fall for tortured men with secrets they didn’t want to share?
As I stood there, hiding my face in the clutter of my wardrobe, I felt his arms come around my waist, chin resting on my shoulder, lips caressing my neck. “I’m trying, Sarah. This is hard for me too. I haven’t felt this way in a very long time, but I’m trying. I’m trying to be a better version of myself. The version you deserve.”
Turning in his arms, I tucked my head against his chest and cried. I was scared. Jude was making me feel things—unexpected things that I probably wasn’t ready to feel. But they were there. And as different as he was to Tyler as a man, his reticence to share was the same. I didn’t know if I could handle not knowing, didn’t know if I could take that kind of strain again.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered after a while, kissing me on top of my head.
“Just promise me you aren’t dying or sick. Promise me I’m not falling for a man with a death wish.”
“Oh, Sarah.” He hooked a finger under my chin and lifted my face so I was looking at him. “No. Nothing like that. It’s exactly the opposite, actually. I’m tired of simply existing. With you, I want to live.”
Then he kissed me and I wrapped myself around him, my robe falling open so our naked bodies pressed together. “Make love to me,” I whispered. It was the first time I’d asked in that way. It was the first time I’d wanted it. We’d been having sex until now—fucking with emotion. But this time, when he lowered me to the bed and pushed inside me, I felt it. I felt it in my chest. I felt it cloud my mind. I looked into his eyes and saw the same emotion mirrored back. Perhaps this was all happening too fast, too soon. There were no rules when it came to falling in love. I didn’t know if I was ready to feel this deeply for someone again. Didn’t know if he was ready either. But we were there. I could feel it in my heart, sense in it the way he touched me. We were there. There was no turning back now.
22
Thursday, 29th December 2016
JUDE WOKE WITH a start, a small gasp escaping his throat as his body quaked. I’d been awake since our lovemaking, analysing my feelings and my ability to advance my relationship with Jude when I still felt so fragile in my heart. Things were building between us so fast that they scared me. The intensity felt unreal, like it could all break apart at any moment.
Experience told me that it would.
“Are you OK?” I asked when he sat up and ran a hand over his head.
“I just need some water.” Pulling on a pair of pants, he stood and moved toward the door.
“It seemed like you were having a nightmare.”
“Go back to sleep. I won’t be long.”
He slipped out and came back a few moments later then finished getting dressed.
“What are you doing?”
“The sun’s almost up. I’m getting ready to help with the cows.”
“Do you always get up this early? You want me to get up with you?”
“It’s fine. I like the quiet.”
Leaning down, he kissed me on the forehead then left the room. I stayed in bed, listening until I heard the squeaking sound of the screen door closing. Then I got up and dressed, standing in the front room and watching Jude through the window. Did he get up this early every day? I calculated the times we’d been staying up till. If this was when he normally woke up, he was barely sleeping more than a couple of hours each night. How was he surviving on that?
With my thumbnail between my teeth, I thought about every time we’d slept in a bed together. He’d always woken before dawn and left me with a kiss on the forehead. I hadn’t thought much about it before now. I’d assumed he’d done that on purpose because we hadn’t been ready for Ty to see us as a couple. But now, I was rethinking it. Did he have nightmares every night?
I didn’t know. But I sure as hell was planning to find out. I wasn’t going to be kept in the dark this time. I couldn’t go through the heartache that secrets caused. Not again.
Never again.
“I was thinking,” my mother said later that morning when she and I were walking from the milking sheds with Ty skipping ahead of us. He wanted to go and visit the calves before we went back to the house to prepare breakfast for everybody. Roles were fairly traditional in my family. There was men’s work, women’s work and farm work. Everyone did farm work and because of that, there was no argument about who did more because everyone was busy all. the. time. I was exhausted at the end of every day.
“Did it hurt?” I asked, a cheeky grin pulling up the side of my mouth as I looked at her.
She scoffed playfully and waved a dismissive hand. “I was thinking that you and Jude might like to drive back a couple of days early so you can spend New Years together. We’ll keep Ty and I’ll bring him home the following weekend. He loves the farm and since he’s going to school soon, I’d love to have him over school holidays. This might be a nice way to give you a break, some alone time with Jude, and us more time with our grandson.”
“You’re going to drive him all the way to Sydney?”
“Of course. If you leave the ute here, I’ll drive that then catch the bus back up here. I’d like to spend a few days in the city. Maybe I can even have a visit with Susan, perhaps talk mother to mother.”
“I don’t know. Ty isn’t used to being away from me for more than a night or two.”
“He’ll be fine, Sarah. Look at him. He’s so independent. I reckon he’d raise himself if we let him.”
I watched him climbing on the fence of the calf enclosure so he could pull the rope from the gate and get inside. He kicked the gate and jumped down to the grass, his safari hat tilting slightly upon landing.
“Come on in,” he yelled, gesturing to the open gate with big arm movements when we caught up.
“How would you like to stay with Grandma and Grandad for an extra week?” I asked him.
He squinted up at me. “How many sleeps?”
“Six.”
“Do I gets to feed the baby cows every day?”
“Of course,” Mum told him.
“Then sure.” He smiled, straightening his hat.
“All right then,” I acquiesced, feeling a little nervous about spending so long away from him.
“And if you decide you want to go home, just ask Granny Moira. I’ll take you home to Mum.”
“And Jude. Don’t forget Jude.”
“Yes. But Jude doesn’t live with us, Ty.”
“He can. I don’t mind.”
“Maybe one day. He’s fine in his own apartment for now.”
“Can we live on da farm? I like Grandma and Grandad’s betta than our howse.”
My mother laughed. “You can take the boy out of the country, but you can’t take the country out of the boy.”
“Maybe one day, Ty,” I said, touching him under the chin, never one to discount doing anything that would make my son happy. “Maybe one day.”
23
Friday, 30th December 2016
“YOU BE GOOD for Grandma, Grandad and Uncle Harry, OK?” I said, giving Ty an extra hard squeeze before I forced myself to let him go.
“Mummy, it’s only a week,” Ty said, sounding too grown up to be my little boy. Nothing s
eemed to faze him. “Six sleeps.” He held up his fingers.
I kissed them. “I know. I’m just going to miss you so much.”
“I’ll be home soon. We-lax.”
I laughed and hugged him one more time. “OK. I’ll relax. See you in one week.”
He held up his thumb and smiled before moving to hold my mother’s hand.
“Drive safe, OK?” she said, hugging me then Jude. “You take care of my girl. And you’re welcome here any time. We enjoyed having you.”
Jude smiled and thanked my family, telling them all how much he enjoyed being there. It was all handshakes, hugs, and warm wishes.
“I feel weird leaving him,” I said, turning back in my seat once we turned onto the street and I couldn’t see the house or Ty anymore.
“He’ll be fine. He loves it there.”
“He’s a born farm boy, that’s for sure. I’m the one who will miss him. He’ll be too busy having fun.”
“Then I’ll have to keep you busy to distract you,” he said, reaching across the console to take my hand. I rested my head against the back of the seat and looked over at him, taking in the profile of his handsome face as he drove out of town.
“Thank you for coming here. These past few days, they’ve meant a lot.”
He squeezed my hand a little firmer. “To me too. I’m glad I came. I seriously loved it there.”
I smiled. “You took to the work well.”
“It’s therapeutic. You keep busy, you think things over, and you come out with a clear mind.”
“My dad used to say that he was too tired to complain, so that made him happy. It didn’t make sense to me as a kid, but I understand it as an adult.”
“I love my job, but I could be happy on a farm.”
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