One More Thing

by Lilliana Anderson

  I’m happy again. I don’t know for how long. But we’re together and I’m happy. Honestly, I wouldn’t have blamed her if she’d pushed me out the door and told me to never come back. I’d hurt her by leaving. But she loves me, loves me enough that she’ll wait for my return. Do I even deserve that? Have I proved myself worthy enough of that kind of devotion? I haven’t got a bloody clue, but I’m glad, because I’m happy. I’m fucking happy. Who would have thought?

  *

  Excerpt from Tyler’s Journal

  25

  Sunday, 1st January 2017

  WITH THE SUN slowly lighting the sky and peeking between the vertical blinds, I played with the metal on my bracelet, tilting it back and forth so it caught the light while I studied the numbers stamped into it. I had more appreciation for those numbers now than I did at the time Tyler gave it to me. Because the numbers represent the place my heart started beating. Twice now.

  “You know, I looked those coordinates up once.” Jude’s soft voice broke through my thoughts and I turned to face him, my head resting against the soft white pillow.

  “And?”

  “And the location is that path in the university. The same place you spat gum at my foot and where we met. I’d have thought they were related, had I not noticed you wearing it that very day. I saw you studying it before you let that torrent of filth out of your mouth that embedded itself on my shoe.”

  I giggled at his choice of words, seeing the mirth in his eyes as he described the event that brought us together.

  “Does it have something to do with how you met Tyler?”

  I nodded. “I go there on that same day every year. It’s somewhat of a tradition to spit gum in that spot now.”

  He chuckled softly. “OK.”

  Leaning up on my elbows, I looked into his eyes, an inclination taking hold inside of me. “There’s actually something I think you should see. You shared so much with me yesterday that I think it’s only fair I do the same. Will you come to my apartment with me?”

  “Of course.”

  Taking a seat at my kitchen counter, Jude waited while I went into my room and pulled the journal from the top of my wardrobe. “I hope you’re ready for this,” I whispered to it, running my hand over the worn cover. A beautiful nostalgia filled my heart and I hugged it, feeling how much I loved the boy whose words and pictures lived inside it. “I think you’re the reason I found him and I’d like him to meet you.” Opening the cover, I flipped the pages, hoping I was doing the right thing. Jude and I were at the point where to move forward, there could be no secrets in our relationship. He needed to see inside my heart the way I had seen inside his.

  When I went back to Jude, I held it in front of me with both hands, needing to say a few words before I handed it over. This was an important moment. I was introducing the love of my life to the man who was healing my heart. It seemed silly, but I wanted them to like each other.

  “Yesterday, you walked me through your life and your heart. Inside this journal is where you’ll find mine. It was Tyler’s. He started it on the day we fell for each other and ended it just after our wedding a little more than a year later. He died shortly after that. Its pages are full of his hopes and dreams, and mostly his fears because of his illness and his struggle with his love for me. We didn’t have an easy time, but it was powerful and it shaped me. I want you to read it. I want you to know the man I lost and understand what I went through, the same way you helped me understand what you’ve been through.”

  I handed it over, my palms leaving damp marks on the leather due to my nerves.

  “Oh Sarah.” He took it with a slight hesitation, his brow furrowed as he looked over the cover and held it like precious cargo. “You don’t have to do this. These are his private thoughts.”

  “I know. But, he would have wanted me to do this. He had a list of things he wanted to do with me when he was alive, and when he started to decline, he added one more thing; something he wanted from me after he was gone.”

  “What was that?”

  “He wanted me to fall in love again.”

  His eyes dropped then lifted to meet mine again. “Is that how you feel about us?”

  I swallowed hard. “I don’t think I’m ready to say it yet, but it feels that way, don’t you think?”

  He nodded, his features softening. “Yes. It feels exactly like that.”

  “Then I want you to read it. You’ll understand why we met and why I needed you to share your secrets with me. And why it means so much that you did.”

  “OK,” he whispered, taking my hand and kissing my knuckles.

  Then he saw my smile before the word came out, together we said, “Enchanté.” It was possibly becoming our thing.

  Sometimes you have to man up. It’s something my father always said to me as a kid. Whenever I’d sulk about something or cry because I’d fallen and scraped my knee, he’d pull me aside and say, “Son, I need you to man up. Lohan men are strong. We can’t be seen as weak.” And he’d keep at me until I calmed down.

  Every hard decision in life got the same speech. I wanted to concentrate on art but Lohan men were cattle wranglers. We did things like play football and shoot tin cans. We didn’t draw pictures.

  I remember Sarah as a kid. She was always separate from everyone else, always doing her own thing. Everyone else was playing a game of tiggy, and she’d be sitting with her back against a tree and a book that was too advanced for her age in her hands. She didn’t give a flying fuck about what everyone thought she should do. She just went her own way, her middle finger standing up against anyone who had an alternate opinion.

  She was always exactly who she wanted to be. I admired her for that. I envied her for it too. I think that’s when I started wanting her. I didn’t know it at the time, but the more I watched her, the more I wanted to be in her orbit.

  Pity I was too shit-scared of my father to do something about it during school, and then I was too shit-scared of this disease to do something during uni.

  I should have been more like her. I should have said ‘fuck it’ and gone my own way. That way we would have had more time. I wish I had more time with her. I need more time.

  *

  Excerpt from Tyler’s Journal

  26

  Sunday, 8th January 2017

  “ARE YOU SURE you want to spend part of your visit here cleaning up my mess?” I asked Mum while she checked her purse, preparing to go to Susan’s. “Things will calm down eventually.”

  She paused and glanced my way, a stern look in her eye. “Do you know what Ty said to me during the week?”

  I shook my head and shrugged to answer.

  “He said that Nanny and Mummy didn’t like each other anymore.”

  My hand pressed against my abdomen. That hurt. “He said that?”

  She nodded. “And she may not want to talk to, or even listen to you. But I’m not going to stand by and have my grandbaby feel sad because of it. I’m going to go there and she’ll hear me out.”

  “What makes you so sure she’s going to listen?”

  Slinging her handbag on her shoulder, she placed a hand on her hip. “You didn’t get your stubbornness from your father, you know. I can be very persuasive.”

  Laughing, I handed over my keys and kissed her on the cheek. “Thank you, Mum,” I said. “And good luck.”

  She waved over her shoulder as she walked out the door. “I doubt I’ll need it. Call you when I’m through.”

  *

  Forty-five minutes later, I was in the park with Janesa on our first jog of the year. “I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages,” she said, pushing Rosie in the jogger as we ran along the path, her blonde ponytail swinging from side to side. Ty was doing his usual—riding ahead of us—but this time he had one of the toy animals Jude bought him tied to the back of his seat. A lion. He’d said it needed some fresh air.

  “It’s been a few weeks, hasn’t it?”

  “How are things with you and Jud
e? Say anything special to each other over the holidays?” She waggled her brow comically.

  “The L word? No. We haven’t said it yet. But we’re close, I think. Him maybe more than me. There have been a lot of hints that that’s where we’re going.”

  She was grinning. “It feels that way to me. You’re so…happy now. I can see it in your skin.”

  I laughed. “My mother said that when she saw me too.”

  “It’s true. Jude is good for you.”

  Thinking about the emotional wringer we’d been through since Christmas, I couldn’t help but smile. We’d been through a lot and it had definitely brought us closer.

  “I gave him Tyler’s journal.”

  “To keep?” Her pitch rose a couple of octaves.

  “No. To read.”

  “That’s…” She paused, but I didn’t need her to finish. I knew what she was saying.

  “I know. It’s a big step. But I wanted him to understand how things were for us. I suppose I want him to know that it wasn’t all roses and fairy tales. There were ups and downs and I had to fight to be with Tyler, but in the end it was worth it. Fighting for love is always worth it.”

  “Do you think you’d have to fight for Jude?”

  “I think every couple has their separate demons. The fight comes when your demons meet and you have to find a way to fight them together.”

  She thought for a moment. “Sounds like your demons have already met. It also sounds like you love him regardless.”

  “I do,” I admitted, unable to control the grin spreading across my face. “I didn’t think it would ever happen again, but I do. I’ve fallen in love with him.”

  She emitted a girly squeal, causing Rosie to squeal along with her. “I’m so happy for you, Sarah. Just remember, don’t say it during sex—it never counts if you say it during sex.”

  Laughing, I remembered the last time I had this kind of conversation with her. I’m fairly sure she’d given me the same advice—advice I’d completely ignored, mind you.

  “I’ll keep that in mind,” I said, feeling more energetic than I had in years. Each step I took felt a little lighter. Each day a little brighter. I knew it was because of Jude. He’d somehow managed to do the impossible. He’d mended my broken heart.

  Susan was at my place when I returned home. She was sitting at my table having tea with my mother. They were laughing about something but stopped when they heard the door close.

  “Nanny!” Ty yelled, running up to her.

  She hugged him tightly and kissed him against the top of his head. While they conversed a little, my mum came over to me and spoke quietly.

  “I’m going to take Ty out for a little while, give you two a chance to talk.”

  Nerves swirled around the entirety of my torso, because the last few times I’d tried to talk to Susan things hadn’t gone so well. I nodded then waited until Mum collected Ty and they left before I approached Susan.

  “Seems you’re quite taken by this new man of yours,” she said. It was her first comment and it put me on the back foot, feeling as though I had to defend my feelings for Jude before we’d even said ‘hello’.

  I went to open my mouth, but she raised her hand to stop me. “I think it’s a good thing,” she added.

  Hesitantly, I took a seat across from her. “You do?”

  She nodded. “Your mother and I had a long conversation today. She opened my eyes to a few things, and I realised that I wasn’t being fair to you. You deserve to be happy, Sarah. I’m glad you’ve found someone in Jude.”

  I was so taken aback that I didn’t know what to say. All I managed was, “Thank you.”

  “I’m also sorry for the way I reacted when you packed away Tyler’s things. I suppose as his mother, I was never going to be ready for that to happen. But I also think I was afraid that if you stopped mourning him, you’d stop needing me. Missing him was a big part of our bond, and I didn’t want to be unimportant to you. I didn’t want to lose Ty. So instead of waiting for you to not need me, I pushed you away.”

  “Oh Susan. I could never not need you. You’re Ty’s grandmother and you aren’t just my mother-in-law, you’re one of my closest friends. That’s why I was so hurt. I felt like I was losing you right when I was starting to feel better. I was really hoping that we’d continue to heal together, just like we’d mourned together. I missed that I couldn’t talk to you, confide in you. I’ve really missed you.” I reached my hand across the table, she was too far away for me to touch, but the sentiment was there.

  She smiled lightly, it was half sad, half happy. “I’ve missed you, too, Sarah. And I’d really like it if I could meet him. Jude, wasn’t it?”

  I nodded. “Yes. His name is Jude.”

  “It’s a lovely name. He must be a lovely man if your mother is anything to go by. She thinks he’s very charming.”

  Grinning, I looked down a little, thinking about how my mother had reacted the first time she met him. “He is,” I agreed. “I think you’d really like him.”

  She stood from the table. “I’m sure I will. Perhaps you could bring him to dinner one day next week?”

  Nodding, I stood with her. “I’d like that.”

  Seeming pleased with that plan, she made her excuses to leave, giving me a brief hug before she walked out the door. It was a little stiff and awkward at first, but when I hugged her back, she relaxed in my arms. “I’m so glad you came today, Susan.”

  “Me too,” she whispered, giving me a gentle pat on the back. Everything was starting to feel right in my world.

  27

  Monday, 9th January 2017

  IT TOOK JUDE almost a week to read through Tyler’s journal. We talked about it a lot, spoke about whether I thought fate had had a hand in bringing us together the same way it had with me and Tyler. And I told him that I believed it did because I didn’t think I would have moved on willingly. I needed a metaphorical punch in the face—Jude, of course, got the literal punch he needed to step up and take notice.

  We also spoke about how it made me feel when Tyler vanished, along with my reasons for taking him back without explanation. We talked about Tyler’s lists and the things we checked off them. We spoke about everything. At times, talking about the memories made the grief raw and very present, but it was also cathartic. Jude liked Tyler. He understood that some of Tyler’s actions were simply because he was a twenty-one-year-old male who was angry because he’d been short-changed by life. Sometimes, he was angry with Tyler on my behalf, empathising with the frustrations and pain I’d gone through when Tyler’s decisions regarding his disease impacted my life.

  Having him react so genuinely to Tyler’s words felt like an echo in my heart. It made me feel confident that I’d done the right thing in deciding to share Tyler’s journal with Jude. It also made me feel confident that I’d fallen in love with another amazing man. And more, I realised that in falling for Jude, I was not only honouring Tyler’s last wishes, I was also honouring myself. I deserved happiness and no longer felt guilty for wanting to feel loved again. I felt contented in my decisions and I trusted my heart again. I couldn’t even begin to explain how good that felt.

  The night Jude finished, he came to my apartment and handed back the journal with a heavy sigh. Then he pulled me close, his nose in my hair as he took a deep breath. “Seeing you through his eyes, Sarah, I think I love you even more now.”

  A happy and relieved sigh escaped my chest. Hearing those words fall from his lips was like music to my ears, and to top it off, he wasn’t naked when he said them. “You love me?”

  Shifting so he was holding me at arm’s length, he looked into my eyes, his mouth kicking up a little at the corner. “Yeah, I do,” he assured me before growing suddenly nervous. “Is it OK that I said that? I mean, isn’t…um isn’t that where we’re at?” I loved it when Jude was sure of himself, and I loved it when he got nervous and started to fumble his words.

  I smiled and nodded emphatically. “Yes, Jude. That’s ex
actly where we’re at.” I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him deeply, pausing for a moment so I could whisper against his lips. “I love you, too.”

  28

  Monday 16th January 2017

  AFTER THE INTENSITY of the holidays, after our hearts had been laid out for the other to inspect, we fell into a sort of calm. We understood each other, knew the trials that had brought us into each other’s lives, and we were happy in the love we had created.

  Jude spent most nights at my place and only went back to his when the nightmares were too much and he needed some quiet to calm down. I wasn’t offended, because I didn’t expect to be the magical remedy that would cure the burdens he carried in his heart. But I did notice that he was able to hold on to me and fall back asleep most nights, so that meant a lot to me.

  Being back at work meant I had to take Ty to Susan’s each day. I was anxious at first. Even though we’d settled things between us and she’d met Jude, I worried that me being in a new relationship was still too much for her. But she seemed to genuinely like Jude and was keen to reconnect with me. Things weren’t perfect, but at least we were talking again. I think it also helped that I spoke to her about Ty seeing Graeme and we made a plan that we would visit together during the Easter school break when I was due to drive to Moama again.

  Speaking of Ty, he was on cloud nine. He got to see Jude every day and since Jude was only working part-time in the speech clinic while his classes were still on semester break, they sometimes spent the day together. It warmed my heart to see the genuine affection Jude had for my son. I couldn’t help but think about what a great father he would make; it was only natural.

  Braiding my hair in front of the bathroom mirror, I smiled to myself. Life felt so…normal. Jude had left earlier with Ty, dropping him to Susan’s on his way to work, and I had a rare morning where I wasn’t rushed before work. Putting my hair in any style other than a ponytail was a luxury I normally didn’t have time for.

  That’s something that Jude was great at—the little things. The things that made my day just a tiny bit easier. He’d help around the house without giving it a second thought; he’d buy milk without me having to ask, make sure my favourite ice cream was always in the freezer, or he’d get Ty ready for the day so I could rest for a few extra minutes. It was basic, but it mattered and I found myself leaning on him more and more. Together, we had our own version of happy. It wasn’t the kind of love they named volcanos after, but I could tell it was just as special—the kind of love that would last. And, boy, did I need that. I didn’t believe Jude would ever get past the trauma of his past, and I wasn’t so sure I’d get past mine either, but together we worked. I didn’t want to downplay how monumental that feeling was to me.