One More Thing

by Lilliana Anderson

  “How about we choose new furniture that is ours instead of doing all this yours and mine crap?”

  Taking a deep breath, I looked around the apartment. It was more a maze of boxes and bookcases at that point, but in amongst all of Jude’s things were my things—Tyler’s and mine. There were memories attached to those items. There was sadness attached to them too. I’d been through the greatest highs and lows of my life in this apartment, but I was truly ready to leave that behind and focus on this new life I was building with Jude.

  “OK,” I said, releasing the air I held in my lungs. “We’ll buy new stuff.”

  “And we’ll shop for it together?”

  “Yes. We’ll shop for it together.”

  “There’s something else too,” he said, taking my shoulders then running his hands down my arms until we were holding hands.

  “What’s that?”

  “I’d like to marry you.”

  “What?” I laughed nervously. That proposal came right out of left field for me.

  Releasing one of my hands, he slid his hand into his pocket and pulled out a ring, lowering to one knee as he held it up to me. Had he been carrying that ring around in his pocket all day?

  “Will you marry me, Sarah? I want you and Ty to be my family. Officially.”

  My heart skipped a beat and I pressed a hand to my chest. The ring was beautiful, a square diamond in a claw setting surrounded by a border of smaller diamonds. It was classic in style. Very me. He’d chosen perfectly. He was perfect too, as was this impromptu moment. I loved that he was declaring his desire to spend the rest of his life with me after a silly argument. I didn’t know why, but it felt way more special than an elaborate setting. It was like saying that he would be happier arguing with me for the rest of his life than he would be if we weren’t together. He loved me that much.

  My heart felt close to bursting it was so full, and I felt so incredibly lucky. My life had given me two amazing men. Two amazing loves.

  “Yes. I’d love to marry you, Jude.” Holding out my hand, I couldn’t keep the grin from my face.

  Sliding the ring on my finger, he stood up quickly and wrapped me in his arms. “Thank God,” he whispered before kissing me deeply.

  I smiled against his mouth, feeling the love swelling inside of me. The man in my arms made everything better. The moment he stepped into my life, he started shining a light on all my darkest moments. He could brighten any bad mood and he loved me in the best way. We both had pasts that had changed the way we loved. But they didn’t alter the depth of it. Our loss and our pain just made our love different. And I think it made us both appreciate it more. We understood how fleeting life could be.

  I knew I loved him when I couldn’t imagine a future without him in it. Loving Jude didn’t change the love I had for Tyler and it didn’t replace it either. It existed alongside it, combining in my heart so I could love them both at the same time, appreciating their differences. It overjoyed me to be blessed with another chance at this thing called a ‘happily ever after’. And it wouldn’t end with the wedding like they do in books, it would end years later when we’re old and tired and had a lifetime of memories etched on our faces. He made me laugh, he knew my heart, and I knew his. He was my perfect mate. I wanted everything that life had to offer, and I wanted it with him.

  This—the stress and the clutter, the happiness despite of it and the dreams of a full life—it’s exactly what Tyler wanted for me. As I held on to Jude, I looked at my new ring, unable to shake the memories of the first time I answered ‘yes’ to a ring. The memory was bittersweet but it didn’t take away from the joy I felt over agreeing to marry Jude. I felt good, I felt hopeful. This was life and I was living it. Just like I promised.

  I have loved a single person in my lifetime. I was infatuated with her for years and for a little longer than one year, I got to be her soulmate. Her name is Sarah Kennedy. But she’s also a Lohan now. By some miracle, she chose to be my wife, even knowing how all this ends. She’s the strongest woman I’ve ever met and has a heart that’s big enough to love the entire world. So I know she’ll be OK. She’ll get over me, eventually.

  I don’t envy her that. I’m the lucky one here. I got the girl. Sarah is my forever. For her, I’m but a moment.

  I don’t expect she’ll forget me. But I do expect her to move on from me. She has so much love in her heart, she needs an outlet for it—someone who will love her completely. She’s strong, sure, but she needs someone who will look after her so she feels safe enough to be weak occasionally.

  I hate thinking about this stuff. But it seeps into my mind because I know this has an expiry date and I need to tell myself that everything will be OK when I’m gone. I need to imagine a life where Sarah is happy. If it can’t be with me then it needs to be with someone good, someone deserving of her. And there has to be a guy like that out there for her because she’s everything to me, and I don’t even think I deserve her. So the one who really does deserve her love is still waiting in the wings somewhere, and they’ll swoop in when she’s ready and then she’ll find her true happily ever after. Her forever happily ever after.

  This is my last entry. This disease is making writing too difficult. The numbness is creeping through my fingers and messing with my sense of touch. It’s the beginning of the end, so let me leave on this note, on the day we were married when our love was at its brightest. There was no happier moment for me than when I saw Sarah walking down that aisle. I cried like a baby and told her how much I loved her in front of God and everyone that matters. I have no regrets in this life, not anymore, because I lived. I fell in love and I lived a good life. It was short, but holy hell…it was a good one.

  Remember how I lived.

  Excerpt from Tyler’s Journal

  33

  Thursday, 27th July 2017

  TY’S EYES GREW massive when we took his blindfold off. “You got me a house for my birthday?”

  Our life in the city was now completely behind us. It had been a long and gruelling road packing and merging our lives over the last six months. And we’d gone and added a wedding to the mix at the last minute. It wasn’t all smooth sailing, but like everything that had happened since Jude and I met, we got through it, together. He was my rock and I was his, and no amount of time would change that.

  For the purpose of this big reveal, we’d been staying in the main house with my parents while Jude and I prepared the new house with our new furniture and a mixture of our belongings. Until now, Ty hadn’t laid eyes on it, my family keeping him busy while Jude and I unpacked. The finishing touch was a giant bow that Jude, Dad, Harry and I all tied around the outside last night.

  The look on Ty’s face was totally worth it.

  “Do you like it?” I asked, helping him out of the ute.

  “I don’t have to live in there all by myself, do I?”

  I laughed. “No. This house is for you, Jude and me to live in. Do you want to go inside? I think there might be some more presents for you.”

  His eyes grew bigger. “Really?”

  I nodded. “How about you go and untie that big bow?”

  “Come on!” he yelled, grabbing Jude’s hand then running for the front door. My brother followed closely behind, his phone held aloft as he filmed the whole experience. A squeal erupted the moment Jude opened the front door.

  “This is the best birthday ever!”

  “I think he likes it,” Mum said with a chuckle.

  “Guys, get in here!” Ty yelled from the doorway, gesturing wildly for my parents and me to follow him.

  “It’s a beautiful house,” my dad said taking in the wraparound veranda and outdoor landscaping. “You’ll all be real happy here.”

  I looped my arm with his as we walked up the path. “Thank you for letting us do this. I don’t think I can express that enough.”

  He patted my arm. “I have my little girl happy and back home. After everything you’ve been through, that’s all the thanks I need.�
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  Hugging him a little tighter, I touched my head to his shoulder. When we got inside, we were welcomed with the sight of Ty jumping into Jude’s arms.

  “I love this house!”

  Dad chuckled. “You chose well with that one. Jude is a good egg.”

  “I know he is. And I think you’re right; we’re going to be really happy here.”

  *

  A little later that night, when Ty was tucked into bed, I stood in the doorway listening as Jude read him a story and Ty talked about what an amazing birthday he had. He was a five-year-old boy who’d just had all his dreams come true, and I imagined this would be a day he wouldn’t forget any time soon.

  However, like with all little boys, there was just one more thing he wanted. “Jude,” he said, his voice sleepy as he stretched his hands above his head.

  “Yes, buddy?”

  “Since you and mummy are married now and we have this new house, do you think I can call you daddy?”

  My chest clenched. Ever since Jude had been living with us, Ty had become a different boy. He was happier and acted more like the crazy kid he was supposed to be instead of the child of a grieving mother, always concerned about why she was so sad. I understood that he wanted a father and he saw that in Jude. But I didn’t know how Tyler would feel about his son calling another man ‘daddy’.

  “I don’t know, bud. Why do you want to call me daddy?”

  “Because everyone calls you Jude. Mummy says that mummy is a special name that only I get to call her. I want you to have a special name too. And I want you to be my daddy. I wished on my cake that it could be you.”

  Jude’s head spun and his eyes met mine. Hearing Ty’s reason, I knew it wasn’t about me, or Jude, or Tyler, it was about the little boy and his birthday wish and his longing for something he’d never experienced until Jude entered our lives. I nodded my head, letting Jude know that I was completely OK with it if he was.

  He turned back to Ty and ran a hand through his thick blond hair. “I’d love nothing more than to be your daddy, Ty. That would make me very happy.”

  Ty smiled. “Goodnight, Daddy,” he said. “I love you.”

  “I love you too, son. Goodnight, Ty,” Jude replied, kissing him on the forehead before creeping out of the room. My eyes were swimming with tears.

  “You heard all that?” he asked when we moved into the living room.

  I nodded, sniffling. “Yeah. I heard every word. It was…intense. Beautiful.”

  He wiped a hand over his face. “Are you sure you’re all right with it?”

  “Yeah. He loves you. It’s fitting. You earned it.”

  “I don’t want to take anything away from Tyler.”

  “He’ll always know who his father is, but he needs a dad too, Jude. All of our kids will.”

  “What do you mean, all of our kids?”

  “Well, you know we haven’t exactly been careful lately. What with all the stress of the wedding and the move…well, I’m late.”

  “You’re late?” His hand covered his mouth and his eyes grew wide. “Have you tested?”

  “Not yet. I was waiting for you.”

  “OK.” He looked freaked out.

  “Are you OK with this? We haven’t talked about more kids. But with the lax protection, I kind of thought you would be happy about this.”

  “I am. I’m nervous.” He held out his hand. “Look, I’m shaking.”

  I took it, laughing. “OK. Then let’s test.”

  He nodded, swallowing hard. Then I went to the bathroom, and together we stood and watched as the test activated. Within ten seconds two pink lines showed up.

  “Is that a yes?” he asked.

  “That’s a yes.” I smiled.

  “Yes,” he yelled, his fist pumping the air before he picked me up and spun me around in a circle. Then he lowered me to the ground and kissed me softly. “I’m going to be the best husband and father. I had a shitty example, but I’ll be better than you could possibly imagine.”

  With my heart filled with love—everything we’d been through, all that we’d shared—it came down to this moment. A moment where all our hopes and dreams about what the future could hold became a reality. I touched his face and looked into his eyes, smiling. “You already are, Jude.”

  Epilogue

  Tuesday, 19th September 2017

  IT OFTEN AMAZED me how powerful a stick of gum had been in deciding my fate. Something that provided minty freshness to most had been the key to unlocking my closed heart. In both instances, I’d separated myself from the world, hiding behind my anger and disappointment over circumstances that seemed unfair. Then these men had been thrown into my path, opening my eyes and guiding my heart until I had no choice but to fall. And fall I did. I would be forever grateful to Wrigley for their role in my forever.

  Almost a year had passed since Jude came into my life. And almost six years since Tyler left it. In the beginning, I spent a lot of time trying to see the differences in the way I’d loved each man, but when I fell, I fell fast, and I fell hard, because in my heart I knew when it was right. I knew with Tyler, just like I knew with Jude.

  There was a time when Jude said to me that he didn’t expect to be the love of my life. He just wanted to be enough. It was something I’d thought about a lot—especially since we said those two very important words at the altar: “I do.”

  We pledged our lives to each other. We promised to love and honour, in sickness and health… After we said that, I knew he wasn’t just enough. He was everything. Jude would be the love of my life. He’d be the man I’d spend the rest of my days with, the man I’d build a family with. It wasn’t that crazy-out-of-control first love that I had with Tyler. But that didn’t mean it was any less than that. It was a more mature love, one that was just as intense but not quite as desperate. It was a love that did the impossible; it healed our damaged souls and allowed us to trust in the power of love again. It was a love that understood. A love that I knew without a doubt would last.

  I didn’t think time would ever change how much I missed Tyler’s presence in my life. But now I embraced my loss in a way that meant I could talk about him and smile. I wore his rings on my right hand so I could honour my marriage to him and my marriage to Jude at the same time. You’d think Jude would be a little jealous or perhaps feel awkward about something like that. But he wasn’t at all. He said that the way he saw it, Tyler was the one who lost so much, so it was up to us to give his memory life by including him in our everyday—not just in the special activities we did to complete his lists. Jude was such a wonderful man. I felt truly honoured that he chose me. That he looked into my damaged soul and saw something of value. He found me. And then he loved and cherished me.

  That wasn’t to say that we wouldn’t still do the big things on Tyler’s list. The African safari was still happening—we’d spoken to our obstetrician about the trip and she assured us that travelling to South Africa would be fine as long as we took the proper precautions.

  Country life agreed with us all. The fresh air, the sunshine, the people. Ty was over the moon. Everything he’d ever wanted was happening before his eyes: he’d moved to the farm, had a house with a backyard, Jude had agreed to be his daddy, and he was getting the baby brother or sister he’d always wished for. On top of that, he had all his grandparents in one place. Just as we suspected, Susan moved back to Moama. She and Graeme were even planning to renew their vows so they were married again. I began seeing the softer man in Graeme, and watching him with Ty often brought tears to my eyes. Broken hearts were being mended all round.

  Now we just needed to encourage my brother to find his own happily ever after.

  I’d joined the physiotherapy team at a rehabilitation clinic in town and felt just as fulfilled in my job as I had been working in a big hospital. Jude also worked there part-time. The man enjoyed a full workload, putting his speech therapy skills to use while rotating shifts with my father and brother on the farm. They’d all manag
ed to achieve a healthy work-life balance that created a happier atmosphere and gave my dad the semi-retirement a man in his sixties deserved. Harry finally had the chance to focus on something more than the farm.

  As Jude relaxed into his new life, he’d started to talk about his mother a lot more, too. I’d even noticed that his nightmares had lessened. His confidence grew—the shrugging was all but gone. And Rigby was finally taking his phone calls. Life was getting better day by day. I was in love and life felt beyond perfect. There were times when I felt the need to pinch myself to be sure it wasn’t a dream. But it was real. This life I was living was really happening.

  And when the storms rolled in and the rains poured down, I thought of Tyler in the clouds. I took Ty out to the veranda to tell him stories of his father, the golden boy who made everyone around him happy—especially me. I’d been the girl he taught to smile, the girl he’d taught to love life.

  Just as he wanted, I would remember how he lived.

  *

  The End

  *

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  About Multiple Sclerosis

  (information from MS Australia)

  TYLER WAS UNFORTUNATE to have a very aggressive form of MS, and while some of the topics in this book were hard to talk about, they are issues that come up in many families when a loved one is in irreversible pain.

  It’s important to know that MS is rarely fatal, however it is incurable, and much research still needs to be done to understand the disease and its many variations. Below is a brief description of MS and a link for more information.

  Multiple sclerosis (MS) is a disease of the central nervous system, interfering with nerve impulses within the brain, spinal cord and optic nerves. It is characterised by sclerosis a Greek word meaning scars. These scars occur within the central nervous system and depending on where they develop, manifest into various symptoms.

  See more at: http://www.msaustralia.org.au/understanding-ms#sthash.EDxQO6bP.dpuf