You are no angel

by Emma Quinn

  I just needed to run, to get to his house, to make this all alright again. That was the only thing that I could focus on. As I raced down the streets, I barely even noticed as I knocked in to other people. They didn’t exist to me, only him. Brandon and the mood that this could make him easily swing in to. If he was really pissed off then I was going to have to stop working at the student bar completely to get another job to fund my apartment.

  Of course, Brandon would tell me that it would be better for me to live with him, but I wasn’t ready for that. I needed my own space for all of my college work and we also needed a place to part to when times were bad.

  “Brandon.” I banged on his apartment door hard. “Brandon, I’m here. I walked out. I argued with Victoria…” Nothing. I wasn’t getting anything back but that just made me bang harder. I was on the verge of seriously panicking now. “Brandon, please don’t leave me out here. Please, let me talk to you. I didn’t know… I couldn’t have known that Victoria was going to do something like that… she shouldn’t have… she was wrong… I left…”

  I pressed my ear up against the door and couldn’t hear anything there. I was starting to think that he wasn’t in the apartment at all or he would have been throwing stuff around in a temper. He must have gone out.

  I tried to call him, but unsurprisingly I got through to his voice mail. He didn’t want to talk to me. All I could do was sit outside his apartment and wait for him to come back home whenever that would be. I fell to the floor by his front door and cried a little. There was no telling how long I would be sitting here waiting for him, but if I wanted to keep us together, which I knew that I needed to more than I knew anything else in the world, then that was what I needed to do. I had to prove to Brandon that I put him first, that he was my priority always.

  “What the fuck?” I shook awake by a foot kicking me in the side followed by a string of curse words. “Mila, what the fuckedity fuck are you doing here? Why you sleeping by my shitty door? Aren’t you at work?”

  It took me a couple of moments to realize what was going on, to remember that I was by his front door, apparently sleeping as I waited for him to get back home from whatever party he had been amusing himself at.

  “Huh?” I stammered awkwardly. “What…? Oh, I… I stormed out of work. I tried to defend you.” I staggered to my feet, my legs all weak underneath me because I had been sitting in such an awkward position. “I argued with Victoria about you and followed you but you were already gone.”

  I glanced at my watch. What the fuck? It was 5am.

  “Where were you? I tried to call you because I wanted to see if you were okay…”

  “Oh sure.” He rubbed his nose a little too hard. “One of the guys from work was having a party…”

  “Are your eyes red?” I couldn’t help but remember what Victoria had said to me about the signs for drugs. I couldn’t ignore them while I was all worked up like this and half asleep. “Have you been using?”

  “I just went to a party!” he shrugged one shoulder and turned away from me, refusing to meet my eyes which only sparked my suspicion even further. Sleeping in front of his house like a homeless person and being kicked awake by him like that had loosened my tongue and was allowing me to say things that I would normally bite back. “I don’t need to come back to you nagging at me again. As far as I knew, you were going to be working.”

  “I left for you. You must realize that I am always going to defend you, no matter what happens.”

  “I didn’t ask you to. I didn’t really give a shit about what your bitch cousin said anyway. I had so much fun…”

  “Too much fun by the look of it,” I snapped back. “You look like you’re on drugs again. Your eyes are all wild, just like they were when you first came back to America. I really don’t want you to lie to me…”

  “Fuck off, Mila.” He shoved passed me and stormed inside, but he left the door swinging wide open which I could only assume was an invite for me to join him inside, despite his words. “You are so judgmental, you know that? Why do you think that I keep you away from my friends? Because you will make them feel like shit…”

  “Oh, because they are all druggies as well?” Shit, how did I not see it before now? “Of course I wouldn’t like it. Not when you are supposed to be recovering, Brandon. You can’t start using again.”

  I expected him to begin yelling, shouting at me, screaming and making me feel horrible, but much to my surprise, he slid down on the couch and allowed his head to fall into his hands. His shoulders shook as if he was crying which was a massive shock to me. It wasn’t like Brandon to show such vulnerability to me.

  “Br… Brandon?” I moved closer to him, slowly and tentatively. “Brandon, are you okay?”

  “My father died, okay,” he snapped, shaking me to the core. “He passed away. We have been at each other’s throats all my life, especially since that stupid sixteenth birthday which sent me to England. We have hated each other and now he’s gone. He’s dead and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t even know how to feel.”

  Fuck. Shit. This was bad. This wasn’t what I was expecting at all.

  “I’m so sorry, Brandon…”

  “Maybe I did go to a party and get fucked up,” he drawled back. “Maybe I did fall back into drugs, yes, but I don’t know what else to do. I’m a mess. I can’t even… even talk about this. I just have so much guilt.”

  Immediately, my arms flung around him and I hugged him tight to me. No wonder we had been on such a roller coaster. I knew that Brandon found it challenging to open up about his feelings, so of course he didn’t know how to express all of this. No wonder he had tried to block his feelings out another way.

  I should have seen this, I should have been a better girlfriend, I shouldn’t have nagged so much. He couldn’t help his addiction, it wasn’t his fault. I had to take a lot of this on my shoulders. I was to blame for it, wasn’t I?

  “I’m so sorry, Brandon.” I leaned in to him. “I’m so sorry that this has happened to you…”

  “I will stop,” he reassured me. “I won’t keep doing this. I don’t like who I am on drugs and my father wouldn’t like it either. I just… I don’t know what else to do. This is too hard.”

  “I’m here for you,” I whispered to him. “I’m here to help you with whatever you need.”

  “You won’t leave me?” He stared at me with sheer desperation in his eyes. “I don’t think that I can do this without you. I need you, Mila. You are everything to me. You don’t know how much I need you.”

  Guilt flooded me. I hated that I got all worked up and pissed off at Brandon when he needed me, when he was going through the worst time of his life. I was going to give him everything that I could, all of me. It was probably time that I did give up my apartment and my job to move in with him, no matter how hard it was going to be on me, because Brandon needed me. He was my priority now.. This was my time to prove to him that I was his world.

  “You aren’t alone,” I reassured him. “I promise you that I won’t leave you. We will get through this together.” I took his face in my hands and stared at him with sheer intensity. “We will get you clean, get your life back on track, okay? I will be your rock through everything. You don’t need to worry any longer.”

  He leaned into me and sobbed some more, like a baby in my arms, and I did everything that I could to comfort him. This was our fresh start, a time for us to begin again, the turning point where our relationship would become a lot more real. Open and honest. Raw and vulnerable. This would end up being really good for me and Brandon, I was sure of it.

  25

  Mila

  One week later

  I

  couldn’t wait to see Brandon, I was practically skipping on my way over to his apartment because I was so excited. He had been through his first week of rehab, during which time he wasn’t allowed to see or speak to anyone, he was under lockdown to keep him away from drugs, but finally at long last he was allowed to l
et his life back in little by little and I was blessed enough to be chosen as the first person to see him. He trusted and loved me so much that I was the one that he wanted to see above anyone else. If that didn’t tell me that life was perfect… well, I didn’t know what would. I had him, the real him, the one I remembered from our youth, back at last.

  “Brandon?” His door was unlocked, he couldn’t even wait for me to knock. My chest flooded with such an excitable heat that I nearly squealed with joy. This really was my happy ever after, wasn’t it? “Brandon?”

  I couldn’t immediately find him, but as I wandered through his apartment, I heard his shower running. He was washing, getting himself ready for me, which meant that any minute now I would have his soaking wet body between my fingers. I shuddered with delight, just thinking that there was a chance that things could be better between us now. That our sex life was going to pick up ten-fold if he wasn’t on drugs anymore.

  With that thought in mind, and a cheeky smile playing on my lips, I stripped myself down to my special lacy under wear that I had chosen for today on purpose and I lay in what I hoped was a seductive manner across his couch. My breaths began coming in sharp and ragged and my heart pounded against my rib cage. My week had been a busy one of working, college work, and missing Brandon like crazy. Now, I would get my reward for holding it together.

  He would get his reward as well, because I was so proud of him. I couldn’t be happier with Brandon for admitting that he had an issue, for facing his troubles, for dealing with his drug addiction as well as his grief. It couldn’t have been easy for him, he must have really been through the ringer since he had been away, and now I wanted to make life exciting for him. He would want to get back to normal which I would help him with as well, but I would also make him see that he could get high off of life with me. I could make his life feel good.

  Ring, ring… Ring, ring… Ring, ring…

  “Damn it,” I muttered as I slid off the couch. I really didn’t need this right now… although I quickly realized that it wasn’t my phone but Brandon’s ringing. The shower switched off and I heard his foot steps as Brandon went to pick up his phone. I quickly positioned myself back on the couch where I was before, waiting for him.

  “Hey there, Eli,” Brandon answered in a voice that didn’t sound so much like him. Not the him that I knew. He was almost arrogant sounding and a bit laddy. “How’s it going, buddy? You ready for the work trip to Vegas?”

  Huh? This wasn’t something that I knew anything about. He never mentioned a work trip to Las Vegas. I couldn’t imagine that being an ideal place for him to go when he was in the middle of detoxing.

  “Yeah, yeah, I can’t wait. I have been building up my tolerance all week long. The ol’ ball and chain thinks that I have been in a rehab center all week when I’ve been partying my ass off, nearly taking out my nostrils in the process.” My blood ran ice cold, I couldn’t process what was being said here. “I know, I know, but it will be worth it. I mean, we are going to be knee deep in powder in Vegas. I want to make sure that I am ready for it.”

  What the fuck was going on here? Why the hell was he still taking drugs? And making jokes about it as well. This didn’t seem like a man who was grieving for his father. He was being idiotic with his work mates.

  “You bringing your girl with you?” Brandon asked with what sounded like a smirk. “Or are you looking for some strange? I’m debating at the moment because the sex scene in Vegas is something else, isn’t it? The last time that I was there I had a threesome and an orgy with a bunch of prostitutes. It was incredible.”

  I bolted up into a sitting position and let me head fall into my hands. I couldn’t take any of this in. In a way, I wasn’t sure if this was just Brandon chatting shit and showing off, but there was something chilly about his words which felt too true for words. I couldn’t handle it. I was listening to the guy who I knew Brandon to be on drugs. There really were two sides to him and I didn’t like this one. I couldn’t have one without the other, or so it seemed.

  “Ooh, well if you are bringing your girl then I might bring mine. Mila, her name is. She’s a good one. Not so much up for a party, she’s a bit too goody two shoes for that, but I can slip something in to her drink and make her the center piece of the party. When I showed Cooper a pick of her naked ass the other day, he told me that he wanted a go on her. I’m sure if I can get her all fucked up then anyone can shag her. She won’t even know about it.”

  Bile flooded my throat. I wanted to puke at his words. Even if this was just him showing off, it was all kinds of wrong. There was no excuse for him saying anything like that about me. No way. Immediately, as a knee jerk reaction, I grabbed my clothing and tugged everything back on. There was no way that I wanted to even think about having sex with him now, my body couldn’t have wanted him less. Now my heart was pounding wildly, but it was in disgust not excitement. God, if I hadn't heard that phone call and I had accepted the offer to go to Las Vegas, which I was pretty sure that I would have done eagerly, looking forward to a trip away and the chance to meet his work friends… well, there was no telling what would have happened. I didn’t even want to think about it.

  “Yeah, I will ask her when she comes over. Make you and Cooper happy.” Brandon’s laugh was so sickening, it was hard not to let out a blood curdling scream at the top of my lungs. “I can get her to say yes. She’s one of those naïve women, you know the sort that thinks I love her rather than she’s just my regular sex. I don’t think she even knows that I will fuck multiple women a night when I’m high… but then she won’t get it because she doesn’t know how horny the powder makes me. I’m basically an animal, I don’t have any choice.”

  “Shit,” I whispered to myself as tears cascaded down my cheeks. “Shit, shit, shit.”

  I was naïve, I had to be. How could I have fallen for everything that Brandon had told me? I really did think that he loved me, he seemed to make so much effort with me, but clearly I was still dumb for falling for it.

  “Oh, hold on.” I paused, thinking that Brandon had found me and his comment was directed at me, but when he talked again I realized that he was still chatting to the person on the other end of the phone. “My dad is on the other line. Calling me to give me some sort of shitty lecture about something or another, like I’m still a fucking kid. I will deal with him and call you back afterwards. Then we can do some more Vegas planning…”

  His father? He was about to speak to his dad? But he told me that his dad passed away and that was why he turned back to drugs. Oh my God, I believed him. I listened to him and fell for it. My heart sunk into my feet as I let these words wash over me. I wanted to slap myself in the face with how dumb I was.

  “Dad, hey! Yeah I am at work at the moment.” Another lie. Fucking hell, was anything that Brandon said the truth? A week ago, I would have said that of course he was an honest person, but now the picture-perfect life had been whipped away from me and I could see the cold stark reality for what life with Brandon was and it sucked. “Yes, I know. I know that it’s been a while since I last saw you. I will be down to see you soon. It’s just work…”

  I clapped my hand over my mouth, trying to keep the vomit inside of me as I staggered towards the front door. I needed to get out of this apartment and far away from here. I couldn’t ever be close to Brandon again no matter what. He was bad news, scum of the Earth, and finally I could see it. It had come much too late, but at least it was here now before I was drugged out of my skull and Brandon’s idiot friends were having their way with me safe in the knowledge that I ‘wouldn’t remember it afterwards’.

  Those guys were sick. They needed to be locked up. They were a freaking danger to the world.

  “Mila!?”

  Oh God.

  26

  Mila

  I

  paused with my hand on the doorknob, just seconds from escaping, and I sucked in a panicked breath before I turned around. His red eyes alerted me to the fact that he was on
drugs right now and clearly unpredictable. I needed to act like everything was fine until the chance to get away came up again so I didn’t enrage him.

  “Hi, Brandon.” Shit, I sounded wooden as I turned around. I found it really difficult to get a smile on my face. “How are you? Oh, sorry are you in the middle of a phone call? I can come back inside afterwards…”

  “No, no.” He hung up quickly without even saying goodbye. I guess he didn’t want me to know that he was speaking to his father. He had enough about him to realize that would unravel his lies. “I’m good. It’s good to see you.” He stepped closer to me with his hands out-stretched wanting a hug. I really wanted to bolt, but I was pretty sure that he was able to run a lot faster than me whether he was on drugs or not. “It’s been a long week.”

  He gathered me up into his arms and I leaned in to him, resting my head willingly against his chest just so he didn’t see the tears streaming down my face. His body wasn’t even a scrap of comfort though, because he was the person that I wanted to get away from. He was providing all of the danger in my life right now.

  “How er… how did you get on with your rehab?” I wanted him to believe that I had only just walked in, that I didn’t know about it all being a lie. I also wanted to see if he would outright lie to my face yet again.

  “It was hard, I had to work through a lot, but I feel much better now.” He pulled back to smile at me. I tried to return the gaze, but I wasn’t quite sure what my face looked like. “I’m glad that I can slowly start letting my life back in. A week is a long time to be without something. Although I shouldn’t moan, I am lucky. Some people have months. When they are really into hard drugs, they have to be with the doctors for a very long time.”