When I Was Jane

by Theresa Mieczkowski

  I narrow my eyes at her.

  “I know what this is,” she says. “This is just what that Dr. So-and-So said the other day on TV. This is a distraction.”

  “A distraction? Really? Please…enlighten me on what ‘Dr. So-and-So’ would make of this.”

  “Mm hmm. That’s just what the people on the show did. They made fun of the idea, too. You know, just to make more distractions,” she says.

  “What does that even mean?”

  “You can’t deal with the feelings you have about what’s in front of you. You’re too scared to accept Dr. Gilbert as your husband and Daisy as your daughter, so you’re lookin’ under rocks and tryin’ to find a distraction.”

  “Well, isn’t that surprisingly insightful for information gathered from a talk show,” I say. “So maybe I am scared. Wouldn’t you be? Everyone is asking me to jump into someone else’s life and move forward with a man I barely know. But I need to know what was going on with that person in order to figure out whether or not I want to be in her life.” I open the door and start to get out.

  Dottie grabs my arm. “This doesn’t seem like the smartest thing you could do for yourself. I joined this fool’s errand because you’d have found your way here anyway. But we’ve got no idea what’s in that trailer and no plans on how to handle it. Dr. Gilbert would be furious if he knew we were here.”

  “Good thing he doesn’t know then,” I say, pulling myself away and slamming the door.

  I knock on the trailer door and turn to give Dottie a thumbs up. She puts her head in her hands.

  A woman’s voice bellows through the door. “Who’s there?”

  I’d been expecting someone to answer the door so I could introduce myself. I raise my voice. “Hello ma’am. I’d like to ask you a few questions please.”

  “I said who’s there. I’m not askin’ what you wanna do. I know you been sittin’ in that car out there, and whatever you’re sellin’, I ain’t buyin.”

  “I’m not here to sell you anything. My name is… Audrey Gilbert,” I say, tripping on the name. “I was hoping that you could help me with some information I’ve been looking for.”

  Someone lifts a corner of the curtain to peek at me through the window. “Who’s with you out there?”

  “My friend. She’s visiting the area with me. I just want to talk to you. I don’t want to cause any trouble.” This isn’t turning out at all the way I planned.

  The door is pulled open by a woman much older I am, maybe in her early fifties. She’s definitely not a mistress or the mother of Jason’s hypothetical love children, though she could be their grandmother. Her face twists into a sneer as she surveys me slowly from head to toe. “Whad’ya want?”

  She looks like she may have been a great beauty in her time and still could be, if not for all the heavy makeup on her unnaturally tanned face. Her figure is cute, though she has it packed into tight jeans and a shirt that belongs on a teenager. She takes a long drag from her cigarette and blows smoke over her shoulder.

  She’s tryin’ to fit ten pounds of sugar in a five pound bag. Dottie’s voice echoes in my head as if she were here next to me.

  “I’d like to ask you a few questions,” I say, trying to appear unaffected. I don’t want to scare her off and ruin my chances.

  She runs her tongue along her bottom lip. “Jason know you’re here?”

  My heart jumps. “How do you know I’m—”

  She gives a deep laugh and breaks into a crackly cough. “I guess not.”

  “May I please come in?”

  “Well ain’t you fancy.” She extends her arm towards the inside of the trailer. “Yes, you may come in.”

  I look back at Dottie, who shakes her head, warning me not to go, and hold up my hand to let her know I’ll be five minutes. I follow the woman inside to a small table next to a tiny kitchenette. There are stacks of beer cans on the counter and several ashtrays littered with cigarette butts. No sign of love children anywhere.

  “You better be quick. I got my man comin’ home from the night shift, and he don’t like company.” She lights a second cigarette with the one she’s smoked down to nothing.

  My chest tightens and I struggle to take a deep breath. I point to the window over the sink. “Do you mind if I open this window to let the smoke out? I’ve had a bit of a breathing issue lately.”

  “Painted shut,” she says coldly.

  “Oh, OK.” I clear my throat. “I don’t think I got your name.”

  She puts out her cigarette on a paper plate. “I’m Viki.” The person he’s been sending money to; at least I know that much.

  “May I ask how you know Jason?”

  “That’s a question you should be askin’ your husband,” she says.

  “Well, it’s…complicated.”

  She laughs and taps her long plastic fingernails on the table. “Trouble in paradise?”

  “No, not that I know of. I just—”

  “There must be some kinda trouble or you’d be sittin’ in that fancy house of yours askin’ him questions instead of me.”

  I bite my lip, frustrated with myself for being led around like this. I didn’t plan on being the one answering questions.

  “There are just a few things I’d like to find out on my own before I talk to him,” I say, straightening my shoulders. “Who are you? And why is Jason paying you?”

  She sits back against the vinyl chair and chews her lip, eyeing me suspiciously. “Now ain’t this interesting. What if I’m not supposed to be talkin’ to you?”

  “Says who?”

  “Says Jason, that’s who. Ain’t he the one callin’ the shots here?” She grabs a can of beer and forces a pen under the tab to open it without breaking a nail.

  So not only does she know who I am, but she and Jason are also conspiring together.

  “Calling what shots?” I ask.

  “He’s got the checkbook, sugar pie.”

  “I have money if you have something to tell me.” I reach for my purse, but she just laughs at me.

  “You still don’t know a damn thing about how these things work, do ya?”

  I summon as much courage as I can to keep myself from crying. “Look…I came all the way here to ask you a few questions. You can help me or not. If you’re not going to help me, just let me know so I can stop wasting my time.”

  She sits back and stretches her arms out behind her head. “What’s in it for me?”

  “Isn’t Jason already paying you?”

  “Jason’s payin’ me. But not nearly enough. Look around, sweetie. Does it look like I’m livin’ in the lap of luxury here?”

  “May I ask what he’s paying you for?”

  She laughs heartily and slaps the table. “Haven’t ya figured it out yet? He’s payin’ me to not talk to you, sugar pie.”

  “About what?” I’m beginning to wheeze again.

  “Oh, Audrey.” She hisses my name like it’s a profanity. “If he’s payin’ me to keep my trap shut, then that information’s gotta be worth a pretty penny. I’d be a damn fool to give it away for free.”

  She’s right. I have no idea how to play these games. My naivety has somehow just upped the price of the goods she’s withholding. But for all she knows, I have other rocks to look under. I stand up and smooth out the bottom of my dress. “Thank you for your time. I think I need to have a long talk with Jason to clear the air. And maybe once we work through this, he won’t have to buy your silence anymore.” I calmly tap my finger on my chin. “Come to think of it, there were a few other names I found in addition to yours. I suppose I can see what they have to offer.”

  Viki looks at me suspiciously for a moment, then flinches, startled by the sound of an approaching car. Fear flashes in her eyes. “Don’t you go messin’ up what I got goin’ with that cash cow of yours.” She leans over the window to peer out. “Good thing Earl ain’t home yet.”

  I put my hand on her shoulder and try to sound as sincere as possible. “I’d be very gra
teful if you helped me. Jason doesn’t even need to know that we spoke. You two can carry on with business as usual—which will be beneficial to both of us.”

  She puts her hands up. “Fine, you got me. What do I need to do?”

  “First, tell me how you know Jason.” I brace myself for her answer.

  “Maybe what you should be askin’ is how I know you.”

  My stomach drops. “What?”

  “That husband of yours has been tryin’ to erase me. Since you went and got the amnesia, he’s tryin’ to cut me out of your life. He never did like where you came from.”

  “Where I came from? What are you saying?” My legs go numb and I fumble to open my purse with shaking hands, knowing I’m going to need my inhaler.

  “I’m sayin’ I’m your mama.”

  Dottie lays on the horn, signaling me to come out.

  Viki takes a step towards me. “Did ya hear what I said? I’m your mama.” She yells the last part straight in my ear as if she thinks “the amnesia” has made me deaf.

  The car horn blares again, unraveling what is left of my nerves. I can’t process what I just heard. I reach for the counter but fall to the floor. “I need my nurse.”

  “Aw, shit.” Viki stomps her foot and runs for the door.

  The next thing I know, Dottie is hoisting me up. “Here you go, Mrs. Gilbert. This fresh air’s gonna do you good.” She walks me down the steps into the yard.

  Viki follows behind angrily. “Hey, where d’ya think you’re takin’ her? We got some negotiations we’re workin’ on.”

  Dottie snorts. “Lady, I don’t know who you are or what’s goin’ on, but I gotta get her back home where she’s supposed to be restin’. This was a bad idea.” She lowers me into the car and buckles the seatbelt around me.

  I have to concentrate to not throw up. I grasp Dottie’s hand. “Wait. I just need some air. Please, let me talk to her.”

  “I’m gettin’ you back to the hotel, Mrs. Gilbert. It’s too damn smoky in there, and you look like somebody who just saw a ghost. You need to lie down.”

  Viki stands near the car, nervously chewing on the side of her thumbnail. In the sunlight, her face looks like the fruit leather Daisy likes to unroll and cut into shapes.

  “She’s coming with us,” I say.

  “Well ain’t this nice.” Viki walks around our suite caressing the furniture and opening cabinets. “Y’all brung this stuff with you?”

  “No. The suites are equipped with amenities for people who need to stay somewhere longer than a few nights. It’s supposed to feel more like home that way,” I say.

  Dottie has reluctantly gone out to pick up lunch for us, giving Viki and me time to talk. I barely remember the drive back to the hotel and am only beginning to regain feeling in my limbs. “Can we speak openly? I have so many questions.”

  “Sure.” Viki sits down on a sofa and takes out a cigarette. “Mind if I smoke?”

  “I’d rather you didn’t.”

  She puts the cigarette down. “You’re the boss now. So you wanna know where you was born and all that?”

  I think about her question for a minute. I’m not even sure what I want to know yet. “Do I have a father?”

  “Nah, he ran off when you was a baby.”

  I nod silently. It feels like we’re talking about someone else, just like every other time I’m told about Audrey’s history. “Jason told me that Audrey’s parents died in an accident and she was raised by her grandmother. Why would he say that?”

  Viki widens her eyes. “Audrey’s parents?” She shrieks in amusement and slaps her knee. “You don’t think you’re her, do ya?”

  “Not really.” I look away, realizing I’ve just given up crucial information by referring to Audrey in the third person. “I prefer to be called Jane.”

  She laughs. “This is like a regular ole soap opera, ain’t it? Well, I gotta hand it to you for bein’ a lot smarter than they probably think. You knew in your gut your name wasn’t Audrey Gilbert, didn’t ya?”

  Her words are like a firm pat on the back; I’m not as crazy as they all think.

  “Hold that thought,” I say, hearing Dottie struggle with the lock. I open the door and grab some bags from her arms. “You’re missing everything. I knew Audrey wasn’t my real name.”

  Dottie looks at me sadly. “This is a bad, bad, terribly dangerous game, Mrs. Gilbert. There’s nothin’ good that comes out of sneakin’ ’round like this. If you want that woman to answer questions, have her do it back home with Dr. Patel and your husband ’round.”

  “You’re here; that’s just as good. I just want to know one or two things. And then maybe we can bring her home and sort it all out together.” I know deep down there’s no way that’s ever going to happen.

  We sit down at the table with our lunch, and Viki opens one of the beers she brought with her by jamming the end of a plastic knife under the top. Dottie rolls her eyes.

  I take a deep breath. “OK…I’m ready. What’s my real name?”

  Viki looks at us with anticipation, raising her eyebrows up and down like she’s trying to build the suspense. “Dree,” she says through a wide smile, spreading her fingers out in front of her face. “Dree Dupree. Don’t that sound just like a movie star?”

  I look to Dottie. Her face has gone completely slack.

  “I guess so,” I say. It hardly seems any more familiar to me than the name Audrey did. But not quite as foreign, either.

  “He went and changed your name to Audrey after y’all ran away together,” Viki says. “Had to change a whole lot about you before he could bring you home to meet Mommy and Daddy Warbucks.”

  I cup my hands around the mug of tea that Dottie made to soothe my nerves. “I don’t understand.”

  She swats the air lightheartedly. “C’mon, girl. You don’t think them Gilberts wanted anyone to know their son went and married some piss poor trailer girl from the sticks, do ya?”

  Dottie thumps her hand on the table. “Now wait just one second. The Gilberts are the best kind of people, and I don’t think we should be talkin’ about things they can’t defend themselves on.” She looks right at me. “They love you. Anyone can see that.”

  Viki smiles at me. “Of course they love her. By the time they met her, he’d already changed her.”

  “Changed her how?” I ask.

  “By the time they met you, your hair was brown. You learned to speak different. You was trained to act fancy. Trained to fit in.”

  “My hair was blonde,” I whisper, remembering how surprised I was to see the brown hair in the pictures of Audrey that Jason brought to the hospital. “But why would he do all that? I thought you said we ran away together?”

  “You did. He was on a trip with some friends, and they was hangin’ out in this little place where you was workin’. He took one look at you, and well, you know what college boys like to do.” She winks at me. “Y’all exchanged numbers, and then he went off on his merry way. You called to tell him you were knocked up, and when he came back to talk you into gettin’ rid of it, you refused.”

  I feel the color drain from my face.

  “Aw, what in the hell,” Dottie says through a mouthful of salad. She glares at Viki. “I’m not gonna listen to this for one more second. Do you have her birth certificate? Pictures? Proof?”

  “Well, I got this. I went and grabbed it when we were leavin’.” Viki reaches into her purse and hands me a photograph. A blonde haired girl looks back at me, smiling slightly. She’s young, fifteen maybe. She has my eyes.

  Dottie gets up, carries her lunch from the table, and slams one of the bedroom doors shut.

  Viki sighs. “She’s on their payroll, ain’t she? They usually are.”

  “So you’re telling me that Jason got me pregnant and we ran away together, but he had to transform me into someone he could bring home to his parents?”

  She swigs back more of her beer. “Yup.”

  “What happened to the baby? It would be an ol
der teenager by now, right?” I ask.

  “There was no baby. You was just a clever girl, that’s all. Mama didn’t raise no dummy.” She grins and winks at me. “But nobody knew that till after. After you went and ran away with him, I tried to find y’all. I didn’t know who he was, so I didn’t know where to look. They didn’t even invite me to the weddin’. But then you came back to me. You wanted to move me out there to be near y’all, but his family wouldn’t have none of it. They even tried to buy me off. But I ain’t blamin’ the parents. Jason told ‘em all kinds of crazy things to keep ‘em from wantin’ to meet me.”

  She lowers her voice to a whisper and points her chin towards Dottie’s room. “I didn’t wanna say this in front of her, but the reason I ain’t got a birth certificate is because Jason sent some guys to the trailer one night when I was workin’. They took all your old pictures and birth records and stuff. Just in case I was thinkin’ about tellin’ anyone that my daughter married into the rich ‘n famous Gilbert family.”

  I hold my head to try to stop it from pounding.

  “He does love you,” she says. “Ain’t nobody gonna deny that. But he was brung up a spoiled and selfish little thing, and now he’s a spoiled and selfish big thing. He saw what he wanted, but he was too embarrassed to bring you home so he changed you. And you was too much in love to see it was a horrible thing he was doin’. Wonder how many other girls he conned without anyone knowin’. Could be dozens more out there.”

  “So he’s paying you not to talk to your own daughter? Didn’t you want to see me?”

  “Dree, you and me have been on the outs for a long time. You made your choice, and it was him. After the accident, he wanted to make real sure I’d never be comin’ around again. I forgave you a long ago for leavin’ me behind. It’s been hard makin’ ends meet, that’s all.”

  “I’m sorry,” I say quietly. “Does the name Wyatt Montgomery mean anything to you?”

  “Yeah, he’s the son of the man you was workin’ for. Y’all grew up together and was pretty sweet on one another, but you went and left him high and dry for Jason.”

  “Is he still in town?”

  “Nah. He moved to Alaska to make some money up there cuttin’ down trees after he got himself arrested one too many times. Nobody’s heard from him in years.”