The Sun in Her Eyes

by Paige Toon

  ‘Dad’s nodded off on the sofa,’ I explain.

  ‘Oh, okay,’ she says.

  ‘What are you up to?’ I ask, trying to sound casual as I get a drink from the fridge.

  ‘Just writing in my diary,’ she replies, looking slightly uncomfortable.

  ‘I didn’t know you kept one,’ I say. I knew Dad was trying to. One of his doctors suggested it, but I’m not sure his writing is legible, even to him.

  ‘I only began it recently,’ Liz says. ‘Dr Mellan thought it might be a good idea.’

  I nod thoughtfully.

  ‘Would you mind if I went to a meeting on Thursday night next week?’ she asks, shifting in her seat.

  ‘What sort of meeting?’ I’m caring for Dad during the day while she’s at work. She’s supposed to take over in the evenings.

  ‘It’s a carer support group,’ she admits, looking uneasy. ‘I thought it might be useful.’

  I shrug. ‘Sure.’ But inside I’m worried that this is all too much for her.

  I speak to Ned that night. He texted this morning to let me know that he’d arrived home safely, but I was at the hospital collecting Dad and he was falling into bed, so we had to wait to touch base.

  ‘How was your trip?’ I ask. It felt like he was away for longer than a week.

  ‘Good,’ he replies. ‘How’s your dad?’

  ‘Glad to be home, but he’s still very tired. He slept a lot today.’

  ‘Right. I see.’

  ‘Tell me about New York.’

  ‘What do you want to know?’ he asks.

  ‘How was it?’ I snap, experiencing an all-too-familiar feeling of frustration.

  We barely spoke while he was over there. The time difference made it difficult, and we’ve never been very good at phone conversations. It’s even worse if we’re calling from different time zones.

  ‘What was the office like? Were the people nice?’ I prompt.

  ‘Yeah, yeah, everyone was really friendly. I met all the creative teams, met some clients, got taken to lunch. Saw a lot of Soho House. There were some industry awards on while I was over there, so that was a big night.’

  ‘It sounds like you had fun,’ I say, appeased by his effort to elaborate, even if I’m not enthralled by the idea of him going out and getting trashed with Zara.

  ‘It was. I loved New York. We’ll have to go back together sometime.’

  ‘I’d like that,’ I tell him, beginning to feel calmer. Then I ask the question that he won’t automatically offer up an answer to. ‘How were things with Zara?’

  ‘Okay,’ he says. ‘Fine.’

  ‘Did you see much of her?’

  ‘Quite a lot. We were meeting the same people. She’s alright, Amber,’ he chides. ‘She didn’t come on to me, if that’s what you’re worried about.’

  ‘The thought hadn’t even crossed my mind,’ I lie. Considering my recent cock-up, I wasn’t planning on bringing it up.

  Chapter 14

  By Tuesday afternoon, I’m struggling with itchy-feet syndrome. Dad hasn’t left the house since Friday, and neither have I. Earlier I suggested that we take a wander up the Parade, maybe go out for lunch, but he point blank refused the idea. He feels so self-conscious about the way he looks, moves and speaks, that he prefers to stay hidden away. I’ve been trying to think of some way to help him get past this negative mindset, otherwise he could be housebound for months.

  He was sent dozens of lovely cards from friends and colleagues when he was in hospital, but he shied away from all attempts to see him.

  ‘Too tired for visitors,’ he told Liz and me, every time we mentioned another person who’d been in contact.

  We both knew that, deep down, he was just embarrassed about people seeing him in his current state. But when the head teacher from his school called his mobile phone earlier, I found myself agreeing to let him visit with another colleague tomorrow at lunchtime.

  I know I’m taking a risk, and I decide not to tell Dad about it until the morning, so he won’t have time to dwell on it.

  I haven’t heard from Ethan, nor have I attempted to contact him.

  He probably didn’t buy my lie on Thursday, and hard as we may try to move on, my revelation last week will undoubtedly drive a wedge between us. This is a good thing for my marriage – anyone in their right mind can see that. But I’m not in my right mind, clearly.

  If the lovely, relaxed way Ethan has with me is gone forever, I’ll be devastated.

  It’s just as well we’re going to a comedy night tonight. I need cheering up.

  I arrive at the Royalty Theatre with only fifteen minutes to spare before the performance starts at eight.

  ‘There you are!’ Tina exclaims. ‘Thought I was going to have to leave your ticket on the door, too. We were just about to go in. Want to grab yourself a drink?’

  ‘Where’s Ethan?’ I ask, looking around. Has he cancelled?

  ‘He’s running late,’ she reveals.

  My wave of relief that he’s still coming transforms into a tsunami of nerves for the same reason.

  I go to the bar, and return with a vodka, lemonade and lime.

  ‘How are things?’ Tina asks as we make our way into the auditorium.

  ‘Okay,’ I reply with a small smile, glancing around. Could he already be here? He’s cutting it fine. ‘You alright?’

  ‘Josh and I had a massive argument before we came out,’ she whispers. I belatedly register that they did look a bit stressed when I arrived. ‘I could do with a few laughs,’ she adds.

  ‘Well, we’ve come to the right place.’

  ‘Let’s hope so.’ She hands over our tickets and awaits directions from the staff, before walking to a row about halfway back from the front. I go in first and Tina sits next to me with Josh beside her.

  ‘What were you arguing about?’ I ask quietly. The theatre is filling up with people, the hustle and bustle showing no signs of quietening down.

  ‘Commitment issues,’ Tina whispers back. ‘Tell you later. Hey, you know what I realised earlier?’

  ‘What?’ I’m puzzled by the change of tone in her voice.

  ‘It’s your thirtieth birthday next Friday!’ she exclaims jubilantly.

  ‘Oh.’ I laugh half-heartedly.

  ‘What are we doing?’

  ‘I don’t know.’ I shrug. ‘I don’t have the energy to plan anything.’

  ‘Shall we just go out and get shitfaced?’ she asks eagerly. ‘Hit a club, dance the night away, pretend we’re teenagers again?’

  ‘Sounds like a plan,’ I reply with a smirk. ‘At least we won’t get IDed, these days,’ I point out.

  ‘And if we do, we’ll be delighted,’ she replies with a giggle as the lights dim and a hush settles over the crowd.

  My mood takes an instant nose-dive. Ethan is not here. He’s not coming. He’s avoiding me.

  ‘Sorry I’m late!’ I hear him loudly whisper, my heart jumping as he slides into the vacant seat beside Josh. I feel a powerful surge of adrenalin followed by nerves. He leans forward to wave at Tina and me. ‘Hi!’

  ‘Hi!’ I wave back, forcing myself to sound upbeat, but I’m sure my expression must look as false as his does.

  I’m relieved when the curtains open and we can focus our attention on the stage.

  The warm-up comedian is very good, but about two thirds of the way through her performance I notice something: Ethan is barely cracking a smile. As I bend forward to put my empty glass down, I sneak a glance at him in the darkness. He’s staring ahead blankly, lost in his own thoughts. Seeing movement in my direction, he glances at me, then averts his gaze as though I’ve given his eyeballs an electric shock. A moment later, I hear him laugh.

  He’s a terrible actor.

  The headlining comedian is even better than the warm-up act, but unfortunately a man with a very big head has swapped with his girlfriend and is now sitting directly in front of me, so I have to keep shuffling to see past him. Finally I try leaning forward, wat
ching the performance with my elbows on my knees. A short while later, I see Ethan move out of the corner of my eye. He mirrors my position, leaning forward, but his eyes are trained on the stage. It’s harder to concentrate, now that he’s in my peripheral vision. Josh and Tina laugh loudly and I glance at them with a smile, but when I gaze past them to Ethan I find him already looking at me. Butterflies swoop into my stomach as we lock eyes in the darkness, then we both come to our senses at the same time, jolting out of the eye contact. Ethan sits back in his seat so I can’t see him anymore.

  *

  ‘Coming for a drink?’ Tina suggests afterwards when we’ve piled out onto the crowded pavement.

  ‘I’m driving,’ Ethan replies before I can open my mouth. ‘The kids are staying over tonight so I’m taking them to school in the morning.’

  ‘Are your parents looking after them?’ I try to make casual conversation. Come on, Ethan. Help me out here.

  ‘Yeah.’ His gaze slides across my face, not resting on any one part of me. ‘Handy having live-in babysitters,’ he says with a strange grin to no one in particular.

  Out of the blue, I feel a stab of anger at his behaviour. We’ve been friends for almost twenty years – is this how it’s going to be now?

  ‘Amber?’ Tina prompts, as her phone starts to ring.

  ‘I should probably go. I’ve got to be up early tomorrow, too.’

  ‘Aw, okay,’ she says sympathetically, digging her mobile out of her handbag. ‘At least Ethan can give you a lift home.’

  Both Ethan and I stiffen. Neither of us thought that through.

  ‘Maybe I’ll come for one,’ I say on reflection. Tina gives me the thumbs-up, but she’s distracted by whoever it is on the other end of the line.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ I hear her ask into the receiver.

  ‘Come on, mate.’ Josh nudges Ethan. ‘I’m driving, too. Come for a beer. Don’t leave me with the girls.’

  Ethan rolls his eyes, glancing at me.

  I stare back at him, raising one eyebrow in a challenge. Go on, I dare you.

  ‘That was Nell,’ Tina says with downturned lips as she ends her call. I drag my attention back to her. ‘Julian’s dumped her.’

  ‘Oh no,’ I say with dismay.

  ‘I told her to come and meet us in town. Said we’d cheer her up.’

  ‘Great,’ Josh says unenthusiastically, earning himself a glare from his girlfriend.

  ‘Come on, Ethan,’ Tina urges.

  He hesitates and then nods, flashing me a perplexed look. ‘Okay. Just one, though.’

  Famous last words.

  We head to a bar on East Terrace, managing to nab a bench table outside under the shade of overhanging vines. Nell arrives soon after us, and it’s not long before I realise that she has a steely look of determination in her eye.

  ‘I should have known what was coming when he cancelled dinner last week, but he still spent the weekend with me.’ She drains the last of her drink. ‘Just wanted sex, I guess,’ she adds bitterly.

  ‘Do we have to hear this?’ Josh interrupts, pulling a face at his mate across the table.

  Tina elbows him crossly and turns back to Nell. I’m sitting on Tina’s left, about as far away from Ethan as it’s possible to get.

  ‘I’m sorry, babe. I know you had high hopes for this one,’ Tina consoles her.

  Nell shrugs. ‘I’m so sick of being single. I just want to settle down, find a nice guy, get married and have kids.’

  It’s all she’s ever wanted, I muse sadly, ever since we were in high school. She has so much going for her; I don’t understand how it hasn’t worked out yet.

  ‘Aw,’ Ethan says, putting his arm around her and giving her a cuddle.

  My stomach contracts at the sight, and I’m annoyed at myself. I don’t want to begrudge the relaxed way Ethan is with my friends, even if he’s no longer that way with me.

  ‘Being married isn’t all it’s cracked up to be,’ he adds.

  ‘That’s not fair,’ I interject. ‘Just because it didn’t work out for you, doesn’t mean it’s not for everyone,’ I say pointedly.

  He gives me an odd look.

  ‘Yeah, I’d like to get married, too,’ Tina says sarcastically, peering into her drink before knocking it back.

  ‘Here we go again,’ Nell moans, as I recall Tina mentioning her argument with Josh about ‘commitment issues’.

  ‘What’s the rush?’ Josh asks his girlfriend tetchily. ‘We’re living together, aren’t we?’

  ‘Whoopiedoo,’ Tina replies. ‘Old married couple without the diamond. Lucky me.’

  ‘Look what you’ve started,’ I say accusingly to Ethan.

  ‘Hey!’ He frowns and holds his hands up.

  ‘You love your car more than me.’ Tina continues her rant.

  ‘If I’d known I was going to kick off World War Three, I would have stayed at home. You guys are supposed to be cheering me up,’ Nell complains.

  ‘I’ll go to the bar,’ I say.

  To my surprise, Ethan joins me.

  ‘Quit being weird,’ he mutters.

  ‘You can talk,’ I snap. ‘I was going to get a cocktail jug. Did you want wine?’

  ‘No, I’ll continue with beer.’

  ‘I thought you came to oversee my selection,’ I say sarkily.

  ‘Oi. Cut it out,’ he warns firmly.

  I bite my lip, but don’t meet his eyes as I try to flag down one of the people serving. Ethan lifts his hand and gets a nod from a very attractive bargirl.

  ‘Be with you in a sec,’ she tells him with a smile.

  I roll my eyes with barely concealed disgust.

  ‘You order, then. I’m going to the loo.’ I slap a few notes down on the counter and leave him to it.

  By the time we hit Bank Street Social, a cool bar on the other side of town, Nell is well on her way to oblivion.

  ‘Julian always had a red face,’ she says with annoyance.

  ‘I did think he was a bit sweaty,’ Tina agrees.

  ‘He was often sweaty!’ she insists. ‘I thought he had sunburn when I first met him, but that’s just his natural face colour. He wasn’t very good-looking, was he?’

  ‘Not as good-looking as that bloke over there. Whoops, just caught his eye,’ I whisper, hiding my face behind Nell’s head. She giggles and looks over her shoulder.

  ‘Don’t look!’ I warn her.

  ‘Ooh, yes, he is good-looking,’ she agrees. ‘Bit young, though. Still, might be alright as a rebound shag.’

  Tina and I guffaw.

  I don’t know where Ethan and Josh have gone – to the bar, probably. Right now, I don’t even care.

  The good-looking guy comes our way. ‘Hello,’ he says with a cheeky grin.

  ‘Hello,’ Tina replies with a flirty smile. ‘And who are you?’

  ‘Jared,’ he says, shaking her hand.

  ‘This is Amber. And this is our friend, Nell,’ Tina says, indicating Nell as though she’s a product for sale. ‘She split up with her boyfriend earlier, so she’s in need of fun.’

  ‘Aah.’ Jared’s eyes light up and he turns and nods to two guys standing a few metres away. They need no further encouragement to join us.

  ‘Are you girls here with anyone?’ one of the guys, Si, asks within moments of being introduced.

  ‘Not really.’ Tina waves him away distractedly.

  ‘I’m married,’ I feel obliged to state. If Tina wants to make Josh jealous, that’s her prerogative, but I’m keeping out of it.

  The boys barely acknowledge my admission. They certainly don’t seem fazed by it.

  ‘You’re looking a bit dry,’ the third guy, Mark, says, peering into Nell’s glass. ‘What are you having? I’ll go to the bar.’

  ‘Ooh, I’d love a Cosmopolitan,’ Nell says.

  Mark glances at Tina and me. ‘Ladies?’

  ‘Make that two,’ Tina chips in.

  ‘Go on, then,’ I reply with a smile. ‘Thanks.’

  Si go
es with him to the bar, leaving the young and very good-looking Jared with us.

  ‘How old are you?’ Nell asks him circumspectly.

  ‘Twenty-two,’ he replies with a grin.

  ‘Are you at uni here?’ I enquire.

  ‘Final year,’ he replies, his very blue eyes meeting mine. ‘What about you?’ he asks.

  ‘I’m over here from London,’ I reply.

  ‘Did you leave your hubbie at home?’ he asks.

  ‘I did, as a matter of fact.’

  This earns me a mischievous look. I glance past him and come eye to eye with Ethan on the other side of the bar. He’s staring at me darkly. I raise one eyebrow quizzically. What’s your problem?

  Mark and Si return, distracting me as they hand out our drinks.

  ‘Cheers,’ we all say, chinking glasses.

  Suddenly, Josh is amongst us. ‘What the hell are you doing?’ he asks Tina, towering over her and staring down at her with menace.

  ‘Steady on, mate,’ Si interjects.

  ‘You can piss right off,’ Josh says angrily, turning his blazing glare on him.

  ‘Josh!’ Tina exclaims, putting her hand on his arm as Ethan appears.

  ‘We’ve just bought them a drink,’ Mark says.

  ‘Since when do you accept drinks from random guys?’ Josh demands to know of his girlfriend. ‘They could have put anything in that.’

  ‘Yeah, right!’ Jared erupts with annoyance.

  Josh is taller and broader than all of them, but at that moment he seems positively huge.

  He turns to Jared and stares him down. ‘Piss. Off.’

  Ethan steps forward. ‘Mate,’ he says, his hand on Josh’s chest. ‘Think you’d better leave us to it, lads,’ he says to the boys.

  They all look disgruntled as they depart.

  ‘I can’t believe you just did that!’ Tina exclaims, outraged. Josh glares at her and grabs her drink out of her hands, then pours it into a half-empty beer glass on the counter.

  ‘You– I– you—’ She stares at him in disbelief.

  ‘We’re going home,’ he says, grabbing her by her elbow.

  ‘I’m not going anywhere with you!’ she cries, wrenching herself away from him.

  ‘Would you two chill out?’ Nell interrupts. ‘I wish I’d never come out with you!’

  Somehow her words filter through to them, because a moment later both look ashamed. They meet each other’s eyes.