by Amber Heart
‘Mum died?’ He whispered. He couldn’t register it, the words didn’t make sense in his head. ‘When?’
‘Three days ago.’ Becca told him, trying to calm Olivia down. Tears escaped his eyes. She was gone.
The Captain let them both go early and the pair walked to her apartment in silence. Neither of them could face going to his, it was still too raw, too painful. Olivia had calmed down but couldn’t stop worrying about Damien, he’d barely said a word and when she handed him a drink in her apartment, he drank it all within seconds.
‘Do you need anything?’ He shook his head but, at that moment, everything hit him and tears began streaming down his face. Olivia pulled him close and held him as he sobbed, kissing his head and stroking his hair. It felt like hours before he calmed down and pushed away from her to wipe his face.
‘She was so proud of you.’ She said weakly. ‘She loved you so much, she told me how much you meant to her.’ He took a deep breath and sniffled, standing up.
‘I want to go home.’
‘We can go to yours.’ She smiled sadly.
‘No. Just me.’ He started walking around the room, looking for something.
‘Oh.’
‘Where the fuck is my jacket?’ He snapped.
‘It’s hanging up.’ She said, crossing the room to grab it and hand it to him.
‘No wonder I couldn’t find it.’ He muttered, snatching it from her. She couldn’t help but be shocked.
‘You sure you don’t want me to come with you?’ She asked quietly.
‘No, I want to be alone.’ He walked to the front door.
‘Okay, text me when you get back, yeah?’ He just shrugged. ‘Dame, please. Just let me know you’re safe.’ She grabbed his hand and he finally looked at her. She knew he was exhausted, his eyes were red, his hair a mess, but his gaze was empty and cold.
‘Fine.’ He opened the door.
‘I love you.’
He just nodded and walked away, leaving her alone.
It took her two hours to get a text from him.
She tried ringing him, just the once, but he didn’t pick up. She knew he was angry, frustrated that he hadn’t been there, but shutting her out would only hurt him more.
‘I hope you’re safe.’ She whispered to herself.
After a few hours, she couldn’t stand not knowing how he was. She jumped in her car and drove to his, practically running into the apartment block. Thankfully, she had a spare key. She opened the apartment door and found him sat on the sofa, staring blankly ahead of him. The floor was littered with cans of beer and a bottle of whiskey sat empty on the table. She could smell vomit and all the photos around the lounge had been thrown, the glass shards laying everywhere.
‘I told you I want to be alone.’ He muttered, not even looking her way.
‘You clearly can’t be trusted to be alone, right now.’ She snapped, taking in the chaos around the room.
‘Get lost, Liv.’ He stood up and stumbled instantly. She moved quickly to support him, but he refused her help, pushing her away.
‘Damien, you’re upset, I just want to make sure-’
‘How could you not tell me?!’ He shouted.
‘I tried! I begged everyone.’ She cried.
‘You didn’t try fucking hard enough.’ He spat at her. ‘You should have broke protocol.’
‘And put your life in danger?’
‘What do I have to live for? Everyone I love dies or leaves.’
‘That’s bullshit. I’m not going anywhere.’ He turned his back on her and grabbed another bottle of whiskey. Crossing the room, she grabbed his arm, getting his attention.
‘I love you, okay? I want to help you.’
‘Just go home.’ He pushed her hand off him and walked into his bedroom, slamming the door. She couldn’t help but cry. Crashes came from his room and she flinched at the noises. She felt like everything was her fault and tried hard to remind herself it was not.
Then everything came flooding back. She remembered finding Amanda cold in bed, remembered the ambulance driver trying to calm her down. Everything was chaotic and she was useless.
When Damien woke up, his head was ringing and he felt nauseous. What the hell had happened? He remembered a lot of shouting, especially at Olivia. He had said some awful things, things he didn’t mean, and felt like shit for saying it.
He stood up slowly and stumbled into the bathroom to be sick. It didn’t make him feel much better but he cleaned his face and walked into the lounge, expecting a mess, only to find it was perfectly clean. He remembered smashing photos and throwing up and he doubted himself for a moment before seeing Olivia asleep on the sofa. She didn’t even have a blanket.
‘God, I’m fucking awful.’ He found a blanket, and put it over her before sitting at the other side of the sofa, putting her feet on his lap, waiting for her to wake up. She looked troubled, nothing like she usually looked when she slept, and it only made Damien feel worse. After a while, he had to get up to go back to the bathroom, throwing up everything left in his stomach. When he returned, she was awake, sitting up and looking down at her lap nervously.
‘Hey.’ He whispered, offering a small smile, not knowing what to say.
‘Hi.’ She didn’t smile back. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to stay.’
‘It’s okay.’ It felt very awkward between them, especially since she didn’t look at him, not even once. ‘We need to talk.’ He sighed.
‘Yeah, we do.’ She agreed, wrapping the blanket around her shoulders. She looked so vulnerable and he knew he had done that to her.
‘First, I need to apologize for last night. I don’t remember much but I’m sorry.’
‘I get it,’ She sighed. ‘You were upset and angry. I just wanted make sure you were safe.’
‘I know, thank you for looking out for me. The thing is,’ He took a deep breath. ‘I can’t see you right now.’
‘What?’ She looked up at him, hurt and confusion obvious on her face. ‘Why?’
‘You’re too good for me.’ He explained.
‘What the hell is that supposed to mean?’ She was getting frustrated.
‘I’m not going to be in a good place for a while. You don’t deserve to be put through that again.’ He said.
‘Again?’
‘That night at the bar. I found out dad was marrying someone else.’ He admitted. ‘I just found you to blow off some steam. I don’t know what I’m going to do but I need to clear my head.’
‘What? So, you’re just pushing me away?’ She snapped. ‘You want to just get drunk and fuck any girl that talks to you, is that it?’
‘That’s not what I’m saying! I love you so much-’
‘So much that you can’t be in a relationship with me? Sounds like bullshit to me.’ She stood up, throwing off the blanket.
‘Liv, I want to be with you-’
‘Then be with me! Let’s get through this together.’
‘I can’t. This is something I have to deal with on my own.’ He explained and he saw a change in her whole body, she suddenly went from upset and angry, to cold and blank.
‘Right, I get it. You want to be alone.’
‘I don’t! I just-’
‘Yeah, I get it. Go blow off some steam. Why don’t you call that girl from the pancake house, or better yet, call Meghan. She’ll help you get over this.’ She stormed out of his apartment, slamming the door so hard he thought it was going to come off its hinges.
The moment he was alone, he regretted everything he had said. Of course he didn’t want to break up with her, she was the best thing that had ever happened to him. What had he done? He ran out of his apartment after her, hoping she was still there, but she was long gone.
Damien tried ringing her over and over again but she didn’t pick up. Eventually, it stopped ringing and went straight to voice mail.
He didn’t hear anything for hours.
He never got a reply back.
Damien took two weeks
of bereavement leave to plan his mother’s funeral. He hoped maybe the time would help him get in a better place. It didn't work. He missed Olivia, his house was empty, and he had let his mother down.
The funeral went as well as it could have done. A few people from the office showed up to comfort him. Olivia came too but didn’t even acknowledge him. She just sat at the back, leaving before he even had a chance to look for her.
He was dreading going back to work. He didn’t know what to expect; he wanted to talk to her, desperately wanted to, but he’d hurt her too much. He knew it wouldn’t be easy.
‘Morning, Damien.’ Jason greeted him as he entered the building. ‘How are you feeling?’
‘Like shit, but I’m coping I guess.’ He sighed. ‘I’m glad the funeral’s over and done with.’
‘No one likes a funeral.’
‘No one likes a half-empty funeral.’ He corrected him. ‘Is she in?’
‘Bright and early like usual. She’s quieter than usual.’ Jason explained.
‘She knows I’m starting again today. We need to break the ice, that’s all.’
‘She’s still pretty pissed at you.’ He said. ‘You really hurt her.’
‘I know I’m an idiot.’ Damien grabbed a coffee. ‘See you later.’
Olivia was sorting through some paperwork at her desk, already invested in her work, but he knew she hated organising files, she was only doing it to avoid talking to him.
‘Hey.’ He called, sitting opposite her, and logging on to his computer.
‘Damien.’
‘How are you doing?’ He asked, already knowing the conversation was a lost cause.
‘Fine.’
‘It’s nice to see you.’ She didn’t reply. ‘I’ve missed-’ She slammed a file shut and stood up sharply, walking to the captain’s office. He sighed, dropping his head into his hands. He’d ruined the best relationship he had ever had.
‘Nice to have you back.’ Sergeant Sinclair came to greet him at his desk.
‘I’m not sure everybody feels the same.’ He huffed, lifting his head.
‘Yeah, well, she’s hurt. You can’t expect her to just go back to being the same old Liv.’
‘I know, I just wish I knew how to make things right. I lost my mother, I lost her. I have no one.’ He felt so deflated.
‘Oh my God, are you stupid or what?’ She smacked his arm.
‘Ow! What?’ He said, rubbing the sore area.
‘Do you realise how close they were?’ She asked. ‘Liv practically lived at your place when you were undercover. She treated her like her own mother since she’s far away from her own family. She was important to more than just you, Damien.’ She scolded.
‘I… I never thought about it that way.’ He felt awful. Of course Olivia missed his mother. There were nights when they would stay up chatting and laughing, long after he had gone to bed, they were friends. ‘What do I do?’
‘You’ll have to work that one out yourself.’ The sergeant shrugged before she walked off.
Damien sat at his desk for hours, barely getting any work done, just thinking about how much he had messed up. She stayed away from her desk all day, leaving him to his thoughts. Towards the end of the shift, he saw her head into the evidence locker and followed her, desperate to talk to her.
‘Liv!’ He called as he entered the room, shutting the door behind him.
‘It’s Detective Hardy.’ She snapped over her shoulder. ‘I’m working, what do you want?’
‘You know we’re too close for that.’ He sighed, desperate for things to be the way they once were.
‘No, we used to be close. You know, when we loved each other.’
‘I still love you.’ He wanted her to understand what she meant to him but she wouldn’t listen.
‘If you love someone, you don’t break up with them so you can clear your head with other women.’ She spat, turning to look at him finally.
‘I’ve not- God, I swear, everything came out wrong at my apartment. I didn’t break up with you so I could sleep with who I wanted, I did it because you deserved better.’
‘Yeah?’ She had no sympathy for him. ‘You should have let me decide that.’
‘I know, I made a mistake. Forgive me, please.’ He begged, water pooling in his eyes.
‘How can I? You’re a selfish bastard, Damien. You don’t think it upset me when you’re mom died? You don’t think it fucking killed me that you didn’t know? I tried to help you and you threw it all back in my face.’ Her face had turned red from shouting. She’d cried everything out, now all she felt was anger.
‘Olivia, the moment you left, I knew I’d made a mistake. Please, I need you back.’ A few tears fell down his cheeks.
‘Damien, don’t.’ She choked out. She could feel a lump in her throat, her eyes started to burn.
‘Please, I love you more than anything.’ He stepped a little closer. ‘I miss talking to you.’ Another step. ‘I miss our dates.’ He reached her and took her hand in his, lacing their fingers. ‘I miss your laugh and your beautiful smile.’ Neither of them could hold their tears back anymore. His other hand reached for her cheek and she closed her eyes as he leant forward. A small kiss pressed to her lips and she wanted to kiss him back desperately. She missed him so much.
‘No.’ She stepped away from him, wiping her tears away. ‘I can’t do this again. It’s never going to work between us. We’ll just break up again, and I can’t stand it, Damien. It hurts too much.’ She didn’t have anything left to say to him. She left the evidence locker, without what she came for and left him stood in the middle of the room, his heart shattered.
One week later, nothing was better between them. It was tense around the whole precinct, work became quiet and everyone was feeling it. Olivia was hardly at her desk anymore and was rarely in work when he was. He knew she was avoiding him.
On one occasion when they were at work together, they spent the whole day saying nothing to each other, not even a simple greeting.
‘Detective Macken, Detective Hardy. A word, please.’ The Captain called from his office, the loudest noise in the room. Olivia was shocked at the use of both their names, it had been so long since she’d heard them both together. Everyone in the room looked at them expectantly.
‘Sir.’ She nodded politely, walking straight to his office not even giving Damien a second thought. He missed their joking, their flirting. He’d even take her shouting at him, at least she’d be acknowledging him.
‘Take a seat detectives.’ The captain said, moving to sit in his own chair. ‘I’m assigning you a case together.’
‘What?!’ They both questioned in unison.
‘There’s been concerns from higher up. The standard of work, and the amount of solved cases, has dropped since the two of you fell out.’ He explained.
‘But we’re both still doing our work.’ Olivia defended.
‘Yes, but together, you solved cases faster. You used to motivate everyone else around you and the atmosphere in here is awful now. I’ve been given two options.’
‘Which are?’ He asked.
‘You either take this case together, learn to be partners again, and do your jobs, or…’ He sighed. ‘One of you has to transfer to a different precinct.’
‘Transfer?’
‘That’s not fair!’ She argued.
‘Well, I’m not bloody going! I’ve tried to be civil, at least I’ve made an effort.’
She scoffed, ‘Yeah, you’re not the one who got hurt.’
‘You don’t think I got hurt?!’ He shouted. ‘You’re unbelievable.’
‘Oh, that’s rich coming from you. I’m not going, I care about the people here.’
‘So do I!’
‘We both know what you do to people you care about.’
‘You know what? You’ve just made that decision a whole lot easier.’ He stood up and stormed out of the office. He couldn’t believe her. He marched over to his desk and started packing everything up.
Everyone was watching but he didn’t care, he wasn't going to see these people again.
‘Dame, what are you doing?’ Jason asked, the only one brave enough to approach him.
‘I’m going back to England!’ He shouted, loud enough so she could hear from across the room. ‘Where my partner actually gives a shit about me!’ He stormed about, throwing stuff in boxes. The Captain approached him.
‘Detective, what are you doing?’
‘Quitting. I thought I made that quite obvious.’ He said.
‘You’re transferring?’
‘No. I’m leaving. Leaving America. Leaving the place that brought me so much fucking misery.’ He stared straight at her and she folded her arms across her chest, her face giving nothing away. The Captain knew it would be no good to argue. Damien pulled off his badge and handed it to the captain, along with his gun, and left the office without another word.
In the parking lot, he threw his stuff in the trunk of his car, making most of it spill out, then drove home, stomping into his empty apartment.
He pulled a beer out of the fridge, turned on the TV, and sat back on his couch, his chest heaving up and down. He was so angry at her, nothing he did helped the situation, she was deliberately making it worse all the time.
A few hours passed by with mind-numbing TV shows. His beer sat half drunk on the table.
There was a knock at the door.
‘Coming!’ He called. He expected to see Jason, maybe even Becca, someone trying to convince him not to leave. He’d had enough texts asking what had happened but he’d ignored all of them. When he opened the door, the person he wanted to see most, yet never wanted to see again, was stood in front of him with a cautious look on her face. He tried to shut the door in her face but she put her foot in the way, keeping the door open. ‘What do you want?’
‘I want a partner.’ She said, holding up the case file. ‘Can we talk?’
