Lessons in Heartbreak

by Cathy Kelly

  Izzie smiled at him coolly. ‘How did I know you’d be interested in that?’ she said. ‘Cherchez la femme, right? There’s got to be a chick in this for you to be interested.’

  ‘I didn’t mean it that way,’ Joe said. ‘I’m not in the market for another woman.’

  The waiter came with their drinks and there was a moment of fussing with glasses and rearranging of cutlery.

  ‘I just meant it from a business point of view,’ Joe said when the waiter was gone again. ‘I didn’t know this was going to be such a tough lunch.’ His words were cool but his eyes were anything but.

  Izzie could feel him almost breathing her in across the table.

  ‘It’s not supposed to be tough,’ she said. ‘It’s supposed to be about closure. I’m trying to say a civilised goodbye to you, to end it all,’ Izzie said. All the calmness seemed to have deserted her and the deep breathing she sometimes did when she was stressed suddenly appeared like a very stupid way to make yourself calm. He unnerved her in every way. She must have been mad to think she could sit with him for a civilised lunch when just being with him made her both mad and lonely at the same time. She wanted him like crazy and she must have been delusional to think she was over him. But even though she wasn’t, she knew she had to end it or else she’d be sucked back in. It was time to put a lid on this box.

  ‘You know what, Joe, I’m not blaming you for everything, don’t get me wrong. I walked in, theoretically, with my eyes open. Except, they weren’t open, I wasn’t thinking. I was so dumb, I didn’t really register about your still being married and what that meant,’ she said, more to herself than to him. ‘Perhaps that’s because I’ve never been married myself or had children; I didn’t understand what was going on with you. I thought,’ she sighed heavily at this proof of her stupidity, ‘that you’d sort everything out, the kids would be happy, you could start again. Am I dumb or what?’

  He made as if to interrupt, but she kept going.

  ‘When I went home to Ireland, my aunt Anneliese told me that she and my uncle have split up because he cheated on her. He walked out on her for the other woman. When she told me that, I felt, I felt…oh,’ she held her fingers up to demonstrate, ‘about two inches high. No, make that one inch high. She was devastated and she had no idea what was going on until she found him and this other woman in their house. He walked, and that was thirty-seven years down the drain. It made me think of two things, Joe. One: that my uncle had the courage to deal with the mess he’d gotten into. And two: it made me think of the other person in this triangle – your wife. I never thought about her before. I assumed it was over between you, so she didn’t count. But it wasn’t over, was it? So she did count.’

  ‘It wasn’t that straightforward,’ Joe said slowly. ‘It was complicated, Izzie, you know that. It was over with me and Elizabeth, still is, but it was all about timing – when I could tell Elizabeth and the boys –’

  ‘Yeah, timing is everything, that’s for sure,’ said Izzie.

  ‘Seriously, it is about timing. I want to be with you, Izzie, I just need more time.’

  Izzie wasn’t listening. ‘When I began to think about Elizabeth,’ she said, ‘I began to wonder why it is that the wife always picks on the girlfriend and never on the guy who committed adultery. The person who betrayed them was their husband, but they don’t blame him most. It’s as if men are wild animals who can’t be tamed or trusted, and if they stray, you have to blame the woman who made them stray.’

  She stopped to take a breath.

  ‘You betrayed both of us, Joe. You told me we had a chance, and you hadn’t gotten round to telling her that it was over. I never thought I’d date a guy who was a cheater. When a guy cheats on his wife to be with you, he can cheat on you to be with someone else.’

  ‘I wasn’t cheating on my wife,’ he said, in a low voice. ‘I told you, it’s over between us. Aren’t you listening?’

  ‘Aren’t you?’ she snapped. ‘My problem is that you lied to me. You wanted both of us and I don’t care whether your relationship with Elizabeth was over or not, that doesn’t work. You can’t love two people. I don’t buy all that stuff about men being able to compartmentalise their love lives or that evolution has made them unsuited to monogamy. I don’t think you can share a man – and I had to share you every day. I don’t want to share the person I’ve fallen in love with.’

  The speech felt like a clumsy elaboration of everything she’d been thinking about, but even if it hadn’t made total sense, she’d said it.

  ‘You don’t want to share me with my kids, then?’

  ‘This isn’t about your kids,’ she replied angrily. How dare he imply that because she didn’t have children, she didn’t understand the love a parent had for them. She’d never said she didn’t want children, damnit. She did. His, actually. She’d wanted his kids, but he’d never known that. ‘If you’re half the person I thought you were, you’d want to be there for them,’ she said quietly. ‘If I didn’t understand they’re a huge part of your life, then I’d be Ms Moron of the Year. That’s not the issue. You had a choice: you could have stayed home quietly, lived your separate lives and been there for your kids. You didn’t want that – you wanted home, kids, and me, the whole enchilada. Not fair to any of us, I think.’

  ‘You think I’m a shit then?’ he said. He drank some of his cocktail. It was clear and had an olive in it. Izzie knew he wasn’t much of a drinker, but she could smell the alcoholic reek of a gin martini from where she was sitting.

  ‘Yes, I think you are a bit of a shit, actually. You weren’t thinking about anybody except yourself.’

  ‘I wasn’t lying when I told you we didn’t have a marriage,’ he said. ‘I never gave you any of that “my wife doesn’t understand me” crap, because I thought you were better than that. I was better than that. We were worth more than those stupid lines. But I don’t have a marriage,’ he said fiercely. ‘When I got married I thought it was for life and it turned out not to be like that. I’m not a saint, I’ve had a few affairs along the way, but they didn’t really mean anything, they were’ – he looked her straight between the eyes as he said this – ‘just sex.’

  She recoiled in her seat.

  ‘I figure it’s no fun for you to hear me say that, but that’s what they were: just sex, for the comfort and the gratification men get from sex. But you, Izzie, you were different. When I met you, it was like a light had come back into my life, a light that had gone a long time ago. I thought that part of me was finished. I thought that loving and kindness, wanting to curl up beside someone in bed and not move and let the day dwindle past, I thought that was over. I figured it happened when you were twenty-five and then it was gone for ever. But with you, Izzie Silver, I got that back again. So that’s what you brought me. And I guess you’re right, I wasn’t strong enough to do anything about it. I didn’t have the courage to tell Elizabeth what we both know, that it’s been over for years. I couldn’t bear what that would do to our family because I knew it would be tough, dirty. Elizabeth wouldn’t want a divorce, not an easy one, that’s for sure. So I took what I could from you and I didn’t give you what you wanted back. But now…’ he paused. ‘Now I want to give you everything.’

  He’d been staring at her so intently that it was almost hard to look at him. It was like he was in court, making his impassioned statement to the jury, who were about to send him to the chair.

  ‘What did you say? You want to give me what?’ Izzie asked, confused.

  ‘I want to be with you.’

  She blinked. ‘No, you cannot be doing this, Joe. Don’t play me. I’m not some idiot you can fob off with words and then, ten years down the line, I’m sitting here in the girlfriend seat and nothing has changed.’

  ‘I’m not doing that,’ he said. ‘I’m saying I want to leave Elizabeth. Tell her we can’t mess around with this separation thing any more, that it can’t be on and off all the time. I’m ready to make the break.’

  He reached
out and held her hands. And in that startling instant, Izzie believed him because of the gesture. Her mind couldn’t compute what he was saying because it was so unbelievable, but taking her hand in this restaurant, a restaurant frequented by people he knew, where a person couldn’t step in the direction of the restrooms without fifteen people noticing them – taking her hand here meant something. It was a declaration.

  I’m with this woman, he was saying, loud and clear.

  ‘Joe, I don’t know what to say.’

  ‘Say yes,’ he said calmly. ‘That’s all you have to do. Say you want to be with me.’

  A month ago, she’d have burst into tears on hearing him say those words, because they were everything she wanted to hear. But now, after everything that had happened…

  She hesitated. He’d let her down so badly when she’d needed him. Inside her still was the memory of flying home to Ireland, heartsick and lonely without his support. She could remember the misery she’d felt going to her grandmother’s bedside after having heard the man she loved telling her he couldn’t be with her.

  Her grandmother’s bedside had felt like church: Izzie had gone there to be absolved of her sins, to feel Gran’s love, but there had been no blessed relief. Gran hadn’t woken up, and Joe had abandoned her.

  His betrayal had left a wound so deep that, even with fresh scar tissue on top, it was still raw underneath.

  ‘Joe, I don’t know if I can do this,’ she said. ‘I think it’s too late.’

  To his credit he didn’t gasp in surprise.

  ‘I didn’t think it would be easy for you,’ he said, ‘after I let you down before.’

  She nodded and then smiled slowly.

  ‘Is that why you brought me here – to back me into a corner, so that we’d be all over the gossip columns tomorrow and there’d be no way for either of us to back out?’

  Joe grinned and his eyes lit with that sexy sparkle she still adored. She felt the magnetic pull of him and how easy it would be to say yes.

  Joe Hansen wanted her. He wanted to leave home to be with her. And yet, to do that, he’d have to tell Elizabeth, tell their children, pack a bag and walk out the door and leave his key on the hall table, or whatever passed for a hall table in his mansion on the Upper East Side. Perhaps he’d told Elizabeth already? No, she thought, he wouldn’t do that, he’d wait to see. Joe was pragmatic. Wait to see if Izzie said yes; and if she said no, no harm done.

  ‘Tell me,’ she asked, holding the stem of her water glass, ‘have you told Elizabeth you’re leaving?’

  ‘This is the million-dollar question, isn’t it?’ Joe answered. ‘No, I haven’t. I was waiting to see what happened today. That doesn’t mean that she and I are going to stay together if you say no, because it’s over between us and there’s no point in dragging it out any longer. This separation thing has gone on for years, on and off.’

  ‘You say all the right things,’ she said. She could recall having said that to him before. He really did say all the right things. It was like he could see into her mind and work out precisely what she needed to hear. Except, once upon a time he hadn’t said the right thing, and that’s what she couldn’t forget. She wasn’t going to be a fool the second time round. She had to know everything.

  ‘So, tell me, this really being together: are there rules?’

  ‘Rules?’

  ‘Second family rules,’ she said.

  He still looked blank.

  ‘Rules like you want to be with me but no wedding rings, no kids…’ Her voice trailed off; it was almost too painful to talk about. Children. Babies. Her baby. Damn, but the biological clock was powerful. Not so much a clock as a time-bomb. Babies kept popping into her head, and now they’d popped into this conversation too.

  She and Joe had never discussed children. Well, how could they? It hadn’t been a relationship where they’d had the chance to talk about such things. Like a sports car, they’d gone from 0 to 60 too fast for that type of discussion. She glanced up at his face and saw the surprise still written there.

  ‘What – you had me down as a tough cookie career girl who’d prefer a Fendi bag to a baby?’ she asked, somehow managing to hold back the hurt.

  He laughed. ‘No, not exactly. But I didn’t think you were the maternal type.’

  ‘Not the maternal type,’ she repeated dully.

  ‘I didn’t mean –’

  ‘No, that’s fine,’ she said quickly. Too quickly.

  He saw his mistake. ‘You never said anything about kids,’ he pointed out. ‘How could I know?’

  ‘Did Elizabeth talk to you about kids before you got married?’ she asked.

  He thought about it. ‘Well, no –’

  ‘But it was a given, right? She was going to be the mother of your children?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘That’s my point, Joe. We never had that talk, but you didn’t even rate it as a possibility. What does that say about us and our future?’

  ‘I don’t really want more children,’ he said helplessly. ‘I have to be honest. Children complicate things. If you had them, you’d understand. And it would make the break-up even harder for my boys if you and I had more children. Added pressure. I’d hate them to think they weren’t the most important people in my life.’

  She nodded. She was getting very good at this nodding at important moments when she felt as if her heart was breaking.

  ‘But, we can talk about it,’ he said. ‘I mean, I never thought – I don’t mean we can’t have any, it’s just…’

  ‘I think we’ve got a deal-breaker,’ Izzie said tightly. ‘I don’t want to walk into a relationship where the boundaries are mapped out because you’ve already been there, done that. I’m sorry.’

  ‘Don’t go, Izzie,’ he begged. ‘We can talk about this,’ he said.

  ‘Later,’ she said. She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek quickly, not lingering, in case he grabbed her and then she’d really be lost, because Joe Hansen wanted her and when he wanted something, he went after it. She wouldn’t put it past him to grab her and to kiss her passionately in the restaurant, with everyone watching. So she moved away quickly.

  ‘As they say in all the best business circles, “leave it with me”,’ she said, and got to her feet gracefully. ‘I’ll call you.’ And with that, she turned and walked out of the restaurant, conscious that a lot more eyes were on her as she left than had been on her when she entered. She looked straight ahead as if she was already thinking of her next appointment but instead, only one thought was going through her mind: what was she going to do now?

  There was only one option: phone Carla. She sat in the back of a cab, hoped the driver didn’t speak English because she didn’t particularly want to share her pain, and dialled.

  Her friend was between calls, between coffees and sounded irritable.

  ‘When are you back in the office, Izzie?’ she said. ‘It’s crazy here today and the espresso machine’s broken down.’

  ‘He’s going to leave her.’

  ‘What?’ said Carla.

  ‘I said,’ repeated Izzie, ‘he’s going to leave her. Joe is going to leave his wife.’

  ‘Well paint me pink and mail me to Guam,’ Carla retorted. ‘I didn’t see that one coming. Thought you were meeting him today to finish it in style.’

  ‘I was,’ Izzie said. ‘I was. I had it all planned and then I was half-way through my spiel and he said he wanted to be with me.’

  ‘Honestly, straight-up wants to be with you, or just semi wants to be with you?’ demanded Carla cynically. ‘Like, he plans to stay married to his wife and give you a better class of present to keep you happy?’

  ‘No,’ Izzie sighed. ‘He never gave me presents in the first place. It wasn’t that sort of relationship, you know that.’

  ‘Hmm, yeah,’ said Carla. ‘I’d have understood that better. Mercenary relationships have rules and I like rules. Well, if he’s going to leave her, wonderful. That’s what you wanted, isn’t it?
But you don’t sound very happy. Why not?’

  ‘He doesn’t want kids, my kids,’ Izzie said flatly.

  ‘Ah.’

  ‘Exactly. Ah.’

  ‘He said that?’

  ‘More or less. More kids would hurt his sons, and he pointed out that kids change everything and if I had them, I’d know that.’

  ‘Cute,’ Carla commented. ‘Cute to say that to a woman who doesn’t have any. Tactful.’

  ‘That’s what I thought.’

  ‘What are you going to do?’

  Izzie rubbed her eyes. She had no idea what she was going to do. ‘Think about it, I suppose.’

  Think about what it would mean to go back to him: think about her aunt Anneliese too. Her thoughts ran to Anneliese often: how she was doing now, without Edward.

  ‘Do you love him enough to have him without the kid thing?’ Carla asked.

  ‘That’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it?’ Izzie wished she had a crystal ball so she could find the answer. Did she love Joe enough to be with him knowing that she was giving up the chance to have children? He’d said they could talk about it, but she knew he’d been speaking from the heart when he said he didn’t want more children. Who would want to have a baby with someone who didn’t want a child with them?

  ‘Well?’

  ‘Well, I don’t know,’ Izzie said. ‘You know, Carla, every time I think I have all the answers, they change the freaking questions.’

  ‘I don’t know what to say, Izzie,’ Carla said. ‘Except, come on in. I don’t have the answers either, but hey, you’ll be among friends. What do you say?’

  ‘See you in five,’ Izzie answered dully.

  When she got home that evening, the message light was lit on her answering machine. For a moment, she thought it might be Joe telling her he’d changed his mind, he loved her and would love to father her babies.

  Eagerly, she pushed ‘Play’.

  ‘Hello, Izzie love.’ It was her father and he sounded very tired and old. ‘Sorry to be giving you more bad news over the phone –’