Lessons in Heartbreak

by Cathy Kelly

  ‘You don’t have hidden extras so much as hidden labyrinths,’ Mac said.

  ‘That’s very forward, coming from someone who’s only just met me,’ she said lightly. But she wasn’t offended: far from it.

  ‘When are you getting out of here?’ he asked as they walked back upstairs to her ward. ‘Or are you planning to stage a hospital break-out?’

  ‘Tomorrow, as long as I don’t lose the run of myself tonight and go mad.’

  ‘Tomorrow then,’ he said. ‘Do you have someone to collect you?’

  She was touched. It was clear he was offering himself for the duty.

  ‘I’m going to ask my friend, Yvonne. We’ve known each other for a million years and she’s one of the few people who probably won’t be fazed by coming here.’

  ‘See you around,’ he said, and touched her hand briefly in goodbye.

  Back in her bed, Anneliese lay on her pillows and closed her eyes.

  Letting go. Mac had talked about letting go of the past. It was a nice idea: like cutting all the old bonds and letting them trail away, leaving her free to start again. Letting go: yes, she liked that idea, she liked it a lot.

  TWENTY-TWO

  Izzie had always adored New York Fashion Week. Twice a year, beautiful Bryant Park on 6th Avenue was transformed into fashion central, and the world’s top designers, models, fashionistas and celebrity dogs – plus owners – descended upon it to watch. By Friday morning, after an enormous amount of work, several huge white tents sat in the middle of the pretty little square, with all the iron tables and chairs having been moved out of the way under the trees.

  It was lunchtime on a sweltering September day and people were taking advantage of the square’s khaki table umbrellas, shading themselves from the sun and sipping coffees and diet sodas as they waited for the next show to begin. After getting out of her taxi in a traffic jam on 42nd Street to walk the final few hundred yards, Izzie felt that Bryant Park was like an oasis of calm snoozing under the watchful eye of the surrounding tall buildings.

  The calm was strictly surface, though. Izzie had the spring/ summer schedule in her hand and there were shows running from ten in the morning right through until five in the evening, every hour, on the hour. Not all the designers used the tent, either – some showed in hotels and restaurants nearby and for people working in the modelling industry there was a lot of rushing around from venue to venue, hoping everyone had turned up, frantically phoning for replacements if they hadn’t, and generally trying not to panic.

  Bookers only got to go if they were lucky enough to get precious tickets from the designers and when she’d worked with Perfect-NY, Izzie had managed to see quite a few shows every year.

  This was her first time at Fashion Week as boss of her own company and though there really wasn’t any absolute need for her to be there, SilverWebb had models in one of the shows, so Izzie had made sure she’d got her hands on tickets and backstage accreditation for today. High fashion designers almost never used plus-sized models but Seldi Drew, a vibrant new design company run by a couple from Florida, based their whole range on ordinary women. They were showing in the main tent at two, but there was another show ahead of them, which meant that backstage, the make-up, hairstylists, dressers and production people for that show would be taking up all the space.

  Izzie had eight girls in the show and they’d already had a run-through with the Seldi Drew producer, making sure they moved at the right pace to throbbing, rhythmic beat. Sometimes after shows she’d watched in the past, Izzie found she had a headache from the music, but models always said that walking down the runway was easier with a heavy beat, so they loved the bass thump of runway music.

  By half one, all the SilverWebb girls were in make-up and hair, all the models for the show had turned up, and there had only been one minor catastrophe when Feliz Guadaluppe, one of the Seldi Drew stylists, had discovered a model wearing a black thong instead of a nude one.

  ‘Why would you do that?’ he shrieked to the startled girl. ‘It might be seen through the clothes!’

  Izzie felt a moment’s relief that the guilty party wasn’t a SilverWebb girl.

  ‘Feliz, settle!’ she commanded. ‘It’s not the end of the world. Here you are,’ she said to the girl, pulling a new three-pack of Gap G-strings out of her bag. She mightn’t have spent much time backstage at shows, but she knew enough to be prepared.

  ‘You’re a regular girl scout,’ laughed the model.

  ‘That’s me,’ agreed Izzie, and hugged Feliz briskly to break the cycle of horror. He leaned against her, a quivering mass of gym-toned, Hedi Slimane-clad fashionista.

  ‘I’m fine, I’m fine,’ he said, fanning his face with his hand. ‘The shock, you know?’

  ‘I know,’ Izzie said.

  Crisis over, Feliz whipped round to continue styling the models. Izzie’s cell phone, which she had stuck into her trouser pocket so she’d feel it, began to ring.

  ‘Hey, you, how’s it going?’ said Carla.

  ‘Great,’ said Izzie.

  ‘Someone phoned looking for you,’ Carla went on, ‘a Caroline Montgomery-Knight.’

  ‘Doesn’t ring any bells with me,’ Izzie shrugged. ‘She leave a number?’

  ‘Yeah.’ Carla read out the number and Izzie jotted it down. She really had to clean out her handbag, she thought, it was full of bits of papers and numbers, and with the agency’s model cards tucked carefully into a hard folder in the outside pocket, not to mention necessities like G-strings, it was like hauling around a sack of potatoes.

  She dialled the number, got a WASPy-sounding woman’s voicemail with no clues as to whether it was a private or a business line, and left her name and cell number. If this Caroline wanted to talk to her, she’d ring.

  Izzie didn’t care much either way. It was hard to get worked up over anything these last few days. She was still reeling from her lunch with Joe. He hadn’t phoned her since and she was glad. Glad because she still didn’t know what she was going to do.

  She and Carla had talked it over endlessly.

  ‘How badly do you want your own kids?’ Carla would ask, devil’s advocate style. ‘Could you settle for not having them?’

  Each time, Izzie came back to the same answer: she didn’t know. She loved Joe, but she had a vision of them in the future, with this question coming back to haunt them. Would she wake up some day when she was too old for children and resent the hell out of Joe for stopping her conceiving? If she pushed him into having a baby, would he resent the hell out of her for affecting his relationship with his older children?

  And could they ever accept her? Could Josh, Matt and Tom ever learn to love her, either way?

  There were no answers to these questions, and therefore, no peace for Izzie.

  When her cell phone rang again, the situation backstage in the big tent was at fever pitch. Someone was screaming in one corner of the tent, a model was yelling that she didn’t see why she shouldn’t smoke just because there were bloody signs up everywhere saying she shouldn’t, and the buzz of hairdryers and loud conversation made hearing what the caller was saying near impossible.

  ‘Izzie Silver?’

  ‘Yes?’ roared Izzie.

  ‘Caroline Montgomery-Knight,’ said the woman. It still didn’t mean anything to Izzie.

  The woman said something else but the screaming had reached a crescendo and she couldn’t hear.

  ‘Sorry, I didn’t catch that. It’s a bit noisy here,’ Izzie yelled. ‘I’m at Fashion Week, down at Bryant Park.’

  There was silence and Izzie thought the connection must have been broken, but then the woman spoke again.

  ‘If I come down, can I meet you there?’

  ‘Izzie! My hair, look!’ Belinda, a tall girl from Idaho, stood in front of her, on the verge of tears. ‘Look!’ shrieked Belinda again. She held up a blonde ringlet that seemed perfectly all right to Izzie but which bore the faint smell of singed hair.

  ‘The show’s just sta
rting and it should be over by two-twenty. I could see you at three-thirty?’ That would give them twenty minutes for the show, and over an hour for the post mortem. ‘I’ll meet you at the Bryant Park Grill, you know it? The restaurant with the green awning and the trailing plants hanging down from upstairs.’

  ‘At four then.’

  Izzie scribbled a note on a corner of her notebook. Caroline Montgomery-Knight. The name was vaguely familiar, that was all. Still, it would be appalling to lose business just because she’d had a momentary blip and couldn’t remember who the woman was. She’d know her when she saw her, presumably – otherwise, Caroline would have asked what Izzie looked like.

  The show was a fabulous success: the clothes looked wonderful, so did the models, and there was an admiring buzz from the fashion press that said, louder than any front page headline could, that Seldi Drew had produced a break-out collection.

  There was prestige in being associated with such success and Izzie was glowing with contentment when she made it to the restaurant at half three and ordered a bottle of icy Pellegrino. Her water had just been delivered and she was about to take a sip when someone addressed her.

  ‘Izzie Silver?’

  She looked up to see a tall blonde woman staring coldly down at her. Caroline Montgomery, she surmised.

  Izzie didn’t know why, but there was something about the way the woman was looking at her that sent chills down her spine.

  ‘Yes,’ she said with a confidence she didn’t feel. She didn’t know this woman, that was for sure. Ms Montgomery was tall, Park-Avenue slim and had a Nordic blonde bob. In the midst of the fashion crowd, she stood out like a very elegant sore thumb in a mocha-coloured twin set, real – and not ironic – pearls, and Capri pants finished off with soft ballet flats. Izzie had never seen her before but…wait, she looked a little like –

  ‘You’re the bitch sleeping with my brother-in-law,’ the woman said flatly.

  Too late, Izzie realised the woman looked exactly like Joe’s wife, Elizabeth Hansen.

  For what felt like the first time ever, she was utterly lost for words.

  ‘You want to do this here?’ Caroline Montgomery gestured around the room. ‘Or outside?’

  ‘Outside,’ gulped Izzie.

  Izzie followed Caroline out of the restaurant, clutching her big handbag with one hand and trying to feel her way through the crowds, as if she was blind, with the other. She might as well be blind, she thought: blind-drunk, blind-stupid, blind-something. This was an absolute nightmare, coming face-to-face with her lover’s sister-in-law. How had it all come to this? She knew she could always run away, but that wasn’t Izzie’s style. There was no running away from this, she had to face the music. A few yards from the restaurant, Caroline whirled around and stopped, folded her arms, and faced Izzie, her expression diamond hard.

  ‘I suppose this isn’t the first time you’ve done this,’ Caroline said harshly. ‘It must be tough, finding the right rich guy. Though perhaps finding them isn’t the hard part, I guess. Getting them to leave their wives, that must be harder. I guess because you’re still working for your little agency –’ She spoke as if Izzie’s job was a mere step up from street-walking ‘– you mustn’t have got the right guy yet. And Joe’s not your guy.’

  Izzie stared at her and felt sick at being the focus of such hatred.

  ‘My sister wouldn’t lower herself to come here to meet you. She doesn’t know I’m doing it. Let me tell you, she’s worth ten of you.’

  Still, Izzie said nothing.

  ‘Joe’s not a bad person,’ Caroline went on. ‘Dumb, though. Dumb enough to think he can have it all if he leaves Elizabeth. They can’t, you know: the fathers can’t have it if they leave. They might think the money will fix it, but you can’t fix Daddy not being home every night. Money doesn’t make that work. Elizabeth and I grew up with that. Our parents divorced and, let me tell you, she won’t let it destroy her boys. They have a good marriage and they’ve three great kids, did he mention that to you? Bet he didn’t. Men never do when they want to get you into bed.’

  Izzie felt herself recoil at the venom in Caroline’s voice. But painful as it was, she felt that in some way she deserved this venom. She had hurt this woman’s sister, not out of malice or greed for his money, but in the belief that Joe couldn’t be interested in her if he still had a marriage left.

  Now, Caroline was saying something different.

  ‘You know, Elizabeth thinks that, if he wants to go, he should.’ Caroline glared at Izzie. ‘I’m not handing him on a platter to you, no way. You need to hear it all. He’s done it before – screwed around, that is.’

  Izzie took the punch and remained standing. But she’d had enough. She hadn’t gone into the Hansens’ marriage with a crowbar – she’d met one half of the marriage who’d wanted out. The damage they’d done themselves to bring Joe to that point was not her fault.

  ‘I’m going to stop you there,’ Izzie said. ‘Yes, I was seeing Joe for a while,’ she added, knowing she had probably broken the number one rule of difficult discussions by admitting blame in the first five minutes, but she had to, there was nowhere else to go. She had slept with Caroline’s sister’s husband and she could understand what had driven Caroline to storm down here to confront her.

  ‘Bragging about it, are you?’ replied Caroline, and for the first time, her carapace cracked. Her eyes looked suspiciously watery.

  ‘No, that’s not it at all,’ Izzie said. ‘There is no point pretending it didn’t happen. To get the facts straight, Joe told me his marriage was over and I believe him – he wasn’t making that up. Whatever’s gone on between the two of them is their business, but don’t try and blame me for it.’

  ‘How can you say –?’ began Caroline.

  Izzie interrupted her: ‘Your sister’s relationship with her husband is none of my business.’

  But Caroline came right back at her: ‘Oh, so that makes it OK to take him away from her, does it? Don’t think about anything else, just take the guy. I hate women like you. You’re after one thing: money. You’ve probably run around with every guy in New York and then, when the botox stops working so well, you decide you’re going to snatch somebody else’s guy. If he wasn’t rich, don’t tell me you’d have looked at him twice.’

  As she finished, she began to cry: sad, slow sobs that had been building up.

  Izzie reached into her bag and found a tissue. First G-strings, now tissues.

  ‘Here,’ she said, handing it over.

  ‘Thanks,’ mumbled Caroline.

  ‘Do you want to sit down?’ asked Izzie. She must be mad. She should be running away from this woman, not giving her tissues.

  They found two seats near the tents and Caroline sank on to hers with the weariness of someone who’d just about fired themselves up with enough energy to complete a horrible task, and then collapsed when the task was over.

  She was the task, Izzie realised grimly. She was the monster Caroline had come to slay. With her anger dissolving in tears, the other woman looked normal, like a slim, tired woman with lines around her eyes, a woman who’d come to fight for her beloved sister.

  ‘Sorry if it sounds like cliché central, but Joe is the first man I’ve ever been involved with who wasn’t single or had his divorce papers in a drawer,’ Izzie explained. ‘And what I feel – sorry, felt about Joe has nothing to do with money.’

  Caroline appeared all out of talk, so Izzie went on.

  ‘I ended it with him because I didn’t want a relationship where he was still living with your sister, even though he told me it was over, finished.’

  ‘Joe would never say those things,’ Caroline protested weakly. ‘He loves Elizabeth.’

  It was like revenge tennis, Izzie thought: he said, she said. What else could Caroline do but defend her sister?

  ‘Listen, it’s not up to me – or you, for that matter – whether they have the perfect marriage or not. Who knows who’s telling the truth? Have you tried t
o talk like this to Joe?’

  Caroline shook her head.

  ‘Why me first then?’ Izzie asked. ‘He’s the one you know; he’s the one who is married to your sister and was betraying her, as you put it. Shouldn’t he be the person you’d see first and beg to stop, not me?’

  Again, the other woman said nothing.

  ‘And what about Elizabeth? Maybe their marriage is awful –’ Izzie stopped and held out a hand as Caroline opened her mouth – ‘but either way, you and I aren’t responsible for that. It’s theirs to fix or break.’

  ‘You’re not what I thought,’ Caroline said. ‘You’re older.’

  ‘Thank you,’ Izzie said pleasantly.

  ‘That’s not what I mean,’ Caroline said quickly. ‘I had you figured out for one of those women who trap married men, but you’re not.’

  ‘Who are those people, those man-trappers?’ Izzie asked. ‘I’m not saying there aren’t women out there messed up enough to break up marriages for fun, but I’ve never met one. The way people talk about them, you’d think New York was awash with them, and it isn’t. Who in their right mind would do that?’ she said. ‘There’s no fun falling for someone who happens to be married. You don’t fall in love with them because they are married, you just fall in love with them and then you discover they don’t have the divorce papers in the drawer after all, and it’s all thrown on its head.’

  ‘You could have walked away then, when it turned out not to be so simple,’ Caroline remarked quietly, and Izzie had absolutely no defence, because she could have walked away and she hadn’t.

  It was the crux of the matter. Something in her had said that what she felt with Joe was so amazing, so special, so different to anything she’d ever felt before, that it was real. It could only be real if he loved her back and he would only love her back if his own marriage was already in its death throes. She wasn’t killing what was already dead. But there was no point in explaining that now. She didn’t want to fight.