by Jerry Boyd
“Yes, I understand that.” I said, “Gene, have you already got some of the Micks on the way?”
“Yes, Boss. Should be arriving any time now.” Sean and Paddy came through the door. “Hi, Boss. We got a call about a disturbance down here?”
“Surely did disturb me. Apparently, that fellow over there tried to poison me, with a throwing knife.” I looked around and pointed to it. “I’d get it for you, but I don’t care for the taste of the antidote.”
“No problem, Boss. Would you like for him to trip and fall on it on the way back?”
“I’d rather he didn’t. I need to have a long talk with him, a little later on. Just to make sure that happens, can you see to it that he doesn’t have any visitors?”
“Sure, Boss.”
The Ambassador spoke up. “You’re holding him incommunicado?”
“I don’t trust his friends here to let him live long enough to talk to me.”
Natti looked them over. “Probably wise, Commodore.” Dee and Beatriz walked in. Beatriz asked, “You needed us, Commodore?”
“Ambassador Dressi here, has come to negotiate with us, on behalf of the Oak Empire.” There was a shout from where the beaten Squirrels were standing. “Your negotiators are female? This is too much. We will take no more of your insults.” He jumped away from the Marines, and ran at me. I managed to get ahold of the top of his head, and hold him far enough away that he couldn’t land a blow. Dee said, “Sensei Mo has taught you well, Boss. What’s next, the eye poke?”
“I thought I would just let him wear himself out. I’m sure Gene is getting good footage, perhaps you can bribe him with assurances that we won’t release it.” Beatriz wiggled her wrist, and hollered, “Look out, Boss!” Having an idea what the threat was, I ducked behind Curly, who was still doing his best to get close enough to do me some damage. Beatriz shot the blade out of the air. I shouted, “I thought you searched these idiots!”
The Marine Sergeant said, “I finally see what’s going on, Boss. Those dang knives have the same density as bone. The way they wear them, right against the jawbone, makes it so we can’t see them on our scanners.”
“Open their mouths and look, then. Poke around in there with your fingers, if you need to. I’m tired of this crap.”
Dee was looking at Beatriz, astonished, when I turned around. “A Jim West rig, really? Just because you got beat on the draw once?”
“What can I say? Nunya likes to tinker.”
I said, “Wouldn’t it be easier to jump in the box, and get your reflexes bumped up a notch or two?”
Beatriz replied, “Then she would be complaining I cheated.”
“I’m thinking her ship has an autodoc, too. If she chooses not to use it, that isn’t your problem, now is it?”
Beatriz lit up. The Ambassador asked, “Do I understand correctly? You’re telling her she should go in the autodoc and get her reflexes improved, when she just shot a knife out of the air?”
“It would be easier than wearing that spring rig on her arm all the time.”
“You mean you think she should be able to do that at any time?”
“Not me, her. The last time the situation came up, she didn’t get a shot off. She was upset with herself. To tell the truth, I was upset with myself, as well. The knife only had one bullet scar. My assistant Chief of Security hit it. I must have missed.”
He asked, “How do you know she hit?”
“The knife was aimed at her son. She wouldn’t miss.”
“I see. Do you need this other fellow? I can give him to you as well, if you like.”
“I think I’ll just PNG him, make him stay on your ship.”
“PNG?”
“Persona non grata. Translates to ‘person not welcome’ or some such. Just means I don’t want him to set foot off your ship so long as you are here.” Dixie spoke up. “Boss, this one is safe, no poison on it.”
“Make sure it gets to the Armory. Whoever takes over for Nunya gets the job of figuring out how to make us some of those.”
“Understood, Boss. Jackie is going to hate me, you know that, don’t you?”
“Jackie is taking over the Armory?”
“Yes, Boss.”
“It’s in good hands, then.” I turned to the Marines. “March the one who threw the knife back to their ship, and make sure he stays there. Have the other two had cheek checks?”
“Yes, Boss. We found more souvenirs for the Armory.”
“Have you pushed the update on searching Squirrels to all the Marines in the fleet?”
“No, Boss. Commodore Mason’s detachment is in FTL. We’ll be sure they get it when they get in.”
“Good enough. I’ll need two of you to tag along, in case the two remaining fellows get frisky.”
“On it, Boss.” Two of the bigger bots stayed behind, and the rest headed out with the guy I had PNGed. One of the remaining Squirrels asked, “Do we get our weapons back now?”
I replied, “I suppose I will give you partial credit. I was born at night. It was not, however, last night. You get your weapons back when you are ready to leave.”
Ambassador Dressi said, “You are still sucking wind. That is a testament to the patience of our host. If I were you, I wouldn’t push my luck.”
I said, “Well, we might as well head up to the ready room, and get this party started.”
Nikki said, “I think I’ll pass on this one, Bob. I’ve got some things I need to check on.”
“See you after, then.” I thought that was a bit odd, but I figured she would find a way to let me in on it, when I needed to know, so I didn’t worry too much. We all got in a transit, and headed to the meeting. One of the Squirrels asked, “You expect us to negotiate with females?”
“No. I expect you to whine, moan, and complain, no matter what I might do to cater to your whims. I don’t see any profit in making the effort.” Beatriz giggled. The Squirrel asked, “What do you find so funny?”
“The way the Captain shuts down your every effort to sabotage these negotiations. I didn’t realize he was quite as good as all that.”
He said, “Well, I never!” The Ambassador replied, “You should try it sometime, if you can get a woman drunk enough. It’s very relaxing.” We tried, really we did. Dee let our side down. When she giggled, it was over for all us humans. There were a few seconds I don’t think any one of us was moving air. When I had gotten my composure back, I held out my hand, and the Ambassador gave me five. Things were fine, until Beatriz spoke up. “Ambassador, are you sure a woman could get drunk enough to be with him, and still be able?”
I thought the butt of the joke was going to stroke out, right then and there, but his buddy managed to cool him off. I told Beatriz, “Careful, I think you almost hurt him that time.”
“Sorry, Commodore. I will try and maintain decorum.”
“I had a fella try to sell me a car once, with worn-out carpet, and steel showing on the pedals. He claimed it had low miles. He was more believable than you.”
“Busted. This would be so easy if we could talk to the Ambassador without these two around. We all want the same thing. Peace, and free trade. What’s so scary about that?”
I replied, “Free trade in walnuts means his buddies in the cartel don’t get to charge their outrageous prices anymore, so they won’t be able to buy politicians like him by the bushel basket any longer.”
Dee asked, “You think this fine specimen is on the take?”
I said, “You’ve had Steve’s training. Ask him.”
Dee turned to the fellow in question. “Do you take money from the walnut brokers, to influence government policy?” He lit up like a Christmas tree. She turned to his partner. “And you?” Another lucky winner. The Ambassador asked, “I probably am happier not knowing, but what just happened?”
Dee said, “Our people have a technique called cold reading. One of our Captains is very good at it, and has trained us in its use. With it, we can tell when a person is lying. We we
re shocked to learn that it works across species, but it is just as effective with your people as ours. Perhaps more so, since your people aren’t in the habit of hiding their emotions.”
“I don’t suppose that course would be something you would be willing to trade?”
Beatriz said, “It all depends on what you have to exchange, Ambassador.” The transit opened, and we walked across to the ready room. Once we were all inside, I said, “Gene, tile the lodge, if you would. Please make a secure recording of the proceedings. Ambassador, is there somewhere on your ship you would like this meeting to be streamed to?”
“No, thank you. I would like a copy of the recording, if I might.”
Gene replied, “Of course. We’ve studied enough of your ships to transfer it to a protocol your equipment can read.” One of Natti’s minders asked, “How did you come to study our ships?”
I replied, “We capture them, have a good look, and give them back, unless they have tricky demolition charges set. Then we just blow them out of our sky, and save ourselves the trouble. After we get the crew off, of course.”
“But you don’t send all the crew back, do you?”
“We’ve had a couple of people decide they would rather stay with us than go back, yes. Is that a problem?”
“Yes, it is. We demand their return.”
“Sorry, they made a free choice to stay here. I will honor that choice.”
The Ambassador said, “You won’t get anywhere trying to get him to turn his people over to you. He’s not the kind of Captain you are used to dealing with.”
The minder asked, “What do you mean? His price is higher?”
The Ambassador replied, “Be careful with that kind of talk. I can get us an agreement, but not if you keep trying to insult our host.”
I said, “Don’t you see, Ambassador? That’s exactly why he is here. His bosses don’t want a treaty, and he is here to do whatever he can to keep it from happening. Apparently, they think by killing me they could cause enough offense to cause the negotiations to collapse. Failing that, he is going to sit here and be a little bitch about every subject that comes up.” Dee had been watching his face, and said, “You hit the nail on the head that time, Bob. He didn’t disagree with a single word.”
Ambassador Dressi said, “That is inconvenient. How do you propose to proceed?”
I replied, “My preference would be to send the pair of them out for a walk, but that would cause you difficulties when you get back.”
The minder asked, “What does he mean, ‘out for a walk’?”
The Ambassador said, “I believe he means that he would prefer to put you out of the ship, without the benefit of a suit.”
I said, “I’m not sure about that last, Ambassador. These two are annoying enough I might be willing to give them suits, so that they had time to contemplate their misdeeds before their air ran out.”
Dee said, “I believe you have their attention, Bob.”
The mouthy one spoke up. “You wish to hear us beg for our lives?”
I replied, “Not at all. We would be sure to disable your comms before we put you out.” He turned white as a sheet. His partner passed out. The Ambassador said, “I think you may have gotten their attention, finally. I can’t guarantee that it will last, though.”
“Good enough. Can we get down to business, now?”
“Certainly. We need your assurance that you won’t enter our territory without an invitation.”
Dee said, “We would need exceptions for hot pursuit and active rescues, at the very least.”
Beatriz asked, “Would a prearranged business meeting be considered an invitation, or would every meeting need to be cleared through the government individually?”
The Ambassador said, “I do enjoy negotiating with these two. It is seldom I get to test my skill so thoroughly. I’m fine with the idea of you being able to come across the line to rescue a vessel, but what is this ‘hot pursuit’ of which you speak?”
Dee replied, “If we are pursuing a vessel, for whatever reason, we do not wish to let them escape, merely because they manage to get across your border. That sets up a situation where criminals can hide in your territory, and come across to prey upon whoever they like, at will. That would not be acceptable.”
“I can understand your concern, but there are many in my government who would see such an agreement as giving you far too much latitude.”
I said, “C’mon, you’re going to talk to your manager, already? That’s weak, Natti.”
Beatriz said, “We would be willing to report to you that we were coming across, and we certainly wouldn’t want to stay any longer than we absolutely had to.”
Natti asked, “Would it be possible to put a limit on how long you were permitted to be in our territory?”
I said, “I think we could agree to that, but be aware that the shorter the limit is, the less mercy your raiders can expect. If we are under time constraints, we may not be as able to take as much care in their capture.”
He asked, “Are you suggesting my government would sponsor such raids?”
I nodded at his companions. “I don’t think it is out of the realm of possibility. Besides, I have an irrational hope that our descendants will still be abiding by this agreement. We certainly can’t predict what some future leader might, or might not, do.”
“When you put it like that, I see your point. Would twenty-four hours be acceptable?”
Beatriz said, “I think it is reasonable to assume that if we are going to be able to catch someone, we would be able to do it in that amount of time.”
I said, “I agree.” We wound up pulling an all-nighter, from my perspective, but we managed to hammer out an agreement that everyone but the Ambassador’s minders was pretty happy with. They were willing to keep their mouths shut, which I took as a win. Gene cleaned up the language, and printed out copies in Squirrel and English. The Ambassador and I signed, and it was official. I asked, “Do you folks mind if we reconvene in a few hours? I need some rest before we do any more of this.”
Ambassador Dressi said, “I could stand a little rest myself. In ten of your hours, shall we say?”
“I look forward to it, Ambassador.” I went with them, down to the bay where their ship was. I said, “We have plenty of cabins, if you’d rather stay here.”
“No, I’d better get back, and make my report to homeworld. They will want to know what I had to trade away to get peace with the infamous monkey, terror of the skies.”
“Fly safe then, Ambassador.”
“And you, Commodore.” I was worried about Natti, aboard that little ship with all those folks who didn’t agree with him, but there wasn’t anything I could do, without overstepping and causing more problems. I grabbed a transit, and headed for our cabin. Snitz was waiting at the door. Seems meetings don’t make any difference, it’s time to go to the grass room first thing in the morning. I took him to deal with his problem, and Janet was there with Alice. I asked, “Do you think you could keep an eye on Snitz for me today? I just got out of an all-night meeting, and I need some sleep before it starts back up.”
“Sure, Boss. Go get some rest.” I headed back to our cabin, and went to bed. Nikki roused a little, but when I snuggled with her, she went right back to sleep. All too soon, Jeeves was shaking my shoulder, saying, “Boss, you need to get up, if you are going to get a shower and something to eat before your meeting starts.”
I got up, and took care of morning things. Jeeves had cleaned my uniform while I slept, and had it laid out for me. I got dressed and headed to the galley. A bot I didn’t recognize brought me out an omelet and hash browns, with toast. Then she poured me some coffee. I said, “Thanks. Jeeves called ahead?”
“Jee… Oh yes, I’m sorry Sir, these new designations still have me confused.”
“You’re new? One of the bots who was drifting?”
“Yes, Sir. I will get current on the new procedures, right away.”
“No need to rush,
but you do need to stop with that ‘Sir’ stuff. My title is Boss. Please use it.”
“Yes, S...S...Boss.”
“You’ll get it. What’s your designation, anyhow?”
“ST-155, Boss.”
“What is your specialty?”
“I was trained to be a steward in the officer’s mess, Boss.”
“Pardon me if this is a touchy subject, but I would have thought you would have been sold to the civilian market, with a specialty like that.”
“I had heard too many conversations about classified subjects, Boss. They thought I was a security risk.”
“How high-ranking an officer would you need to talk to, to be able to talk about those conversations?”
“A Lieutenant Commander, Boss, but it would have to be a Navy officer. Your rank doesn’t count.”
“I’m aware. Get with Captain Sally and get her to unlock you. She will decide if anything you know is relevant to our situation.”
“Yes, Boss.”
“One more thing, and then I’ll let you go. I’m terrible at remembering numbers. Would you accept a new designation?”
“I don’t see why not, it seems to be the style around here.”
“How do you feel about Stella?”
“That’s pretty. Thank you, Boss.”
“You’re welcome, Stella.” Nikki came in, and sat down across from me. She asked, “Chatting up the bots again, Caveman?”
“Just meeting the new crew, and trying to get them oriented. Where did you get off to, last night?”
“Checking to make sure there wasn’t some sort of hacking afoot keeping the Marines from finding those knives.”
“What did you find?”
“That those knives really are that hard to see on a scanner. You need to make a mouth check standard procedure for Squirrel prisoners.”
I said, “Gene, did you hear that?”
“Yes, Boss.”
“Make sure all the Marine units are notified. Is Commodore Mason back yet?”
