by Jerry Boyd
“Why? We haven’t had any trouble defeating them yet, have we?”
“No, but sooner or later, we’re going to screw up, and do them more damage than the Emperor can ignore. Then the war starts. None of us want that.”
“You mean what you’re worried about isn’t what’s happening now, but the chance of a war, in the future?”
“It’s a little unhandy, having to stay around this system to keep the Squirrels from bothering Morning Flower and the Starfeet, but mostly, yeah, I’m worried about a war starting. Your Mother’s people aren’t ready for that, at all, and they would get drawn in, almost certainly.”
“You don’t think that the fleet we have can handle the Squirrels?”
“It sure seems like we could, but even if we did, what then? That leaves us trying to run the Empire of Oak as a puppet state. That just isn’t going to go well, no matter how careful we are. All around, it’s just easier to make peace with the Empire as it exists, rather than trying to change things.”
“How do you know so much about this stuff, Dad? I thought you used to just fix things.”
“I read a lot. Just because I had a simple job, doesn’t mean I didn’t think about complicated things. Thinking is a cheap way to relax. You don’t have to buy any special equipment, or go to a special place. Just sip a beer, and sit back.”
“How does that help you relax?”
“You can think about something besides the things you’ve been fighting in the real world. Gives you a break from your everyday problems. It works for me, your mileage may vary.”
“Wait, I’ve heard people say that, since I came aboard, but I still don’t quite understand what it means.”
“I could be a butt, and make you look it up in the culture pack.”
“I already looked, and it didn’t help.”
“Okay, I’ll see if I can explain it to you. Do you understand what a car is?”
“Not really. Some kind of machine your people use to move around, I think.”
“That’s right, as far as it goes. The country I come from is spread out. That makes it necessary to have a car to get around. Some people get very attached to their cars, because they spend so much time in them. We’re kind of backward, and don’t have power cores yet. The fuel we use to power cars is called gasoline. It’s made from crude oil, that we pump out of the ground. Back when I was a kid, there were a bunch of countries who didn’t have a lot going for them, other than pumping a lot of oil. They decided they wanted to raise the price, and so the price of gasoline went up. The government wanted to look like they were doing something about it, without actually having to go to a lot of trouble, so they decided to put stickers on all the new cars, telling how far each car could be expected to go, on a gallon of gasoline. Of course, their testing procedure wasn’t all that realistic, and they came up with numbers that were higher than you could expect to get in the real world. Rather than admit their mistake, they just started putting a disclaimer on the sticker that said, ‘Your mileage may vary’. Nobody was fooled, and it got to be a joke, so that whenever someone said something they weren’t sure of, they would add ‘your mileage may vary’ to the end of it. That catch you up?”
“That’s way clearer than the culture pack. You should write them a new article, instead of that mess they have now.”
“I was there when it happened, it makes it easier for me to know what the important parts are.”
“I guess so. Can I come to you, if I have more questions?”
“Of course you can. You do understand there may be times I need to put you off, until I finish something for the ship, don’t you?”
“Well, yeah. That kinda comes with you being the Commodore.”
“Funny, I don’t feel like a pet.”
“What?”
“Oh, sorry. I just fixed one deep dive into the culture pack, and here we go again. Commodore used to be a computer company. One of their early models was called the Pet.”
“Okay, but why would they call it that?”
“People having computers in their homes was a new thing, and they wanted to make it seem like a friendly thing, that people could get used to, and learn to like, instead of something new, and scary.”
“Did it work?”
“Not so much with the Pet, but a few years later they brought out one of the most popular computers of the time, the Commodore 64.”
“Why was it popular?”
“It was good for playing games, as well as serious work, and it was easy to program. For the time, it was fairly cheap, too.”
“Thanks for taking the time, Dad. Even if you did fill my head with useless information.”
“You headed for breakfast?”
“No, I’m fasting. What do you think?”
“I think you’ll fit right in. Let’s go eat.” We made it to the galley, without any interruptions. The lack of random encounters was really beginning to bother me. I decided to make an effort to check up on what was happening. Stella brought us out some breakfast, and said, “Morning, Boss. Looking forward to a little peace, once you get the rest of the agreements signed with the Emperor?”
“Stella, thank you so much for making sure that Murphy will find us something else to take care of, as soon as the Emperor leaves.”
“Sorry, Boss. Didn’t mean to bring down the bad mojo.”
“No problem, Stella. Something would have come up, whether you said anything or not. Just joking with you.”
“I know. It’s so nice to work with humans who see us as people, not appliances.”
“We try to please, Stella. Hey, I’ve got a question for you.”
“I’ll answer if I can, Boss. What do you want to know?”
“It’s kind of odd, I guess. I used to find bots and people with problems, whenever I walked around the ship. Lately, I haven’t found any. I’m just wondering if that’s because there aren’t any to find, or people are avoiding me?”
“Scotti has given all of us drifters a course in the operations around here, and we’re all managing to fit in fairly well, I think. She’s tried to get all of our problems taken care of, so that you don’t have to take time to fix them yourself.”
“Glad to hear you and the rest of the drifters are adapting to life on the Gene. You do know if you have any problems, you can come to me, don’t you?”
“Aren’t you too busy for all that?”
Janet spoke up. “He just spent a half hour, explaining obscure cultural references to me. He needs to feel like people need him, I think.”
Stella turned to Janet. “You mean that bringing him our problems would help with his mental hygiene?”
“I think so. I’m not an expert, yet. Maybe you should ask my Mom.”
I said, “Hey, you two. I’m still here, you know.”
Janet replied, “Sorry, Dad.”
“No biggie. Just feels funny, getting talked about like that, when you’re still in the room.”
“I guess it would. I was just trying to help Stella understand, does that count for anything?”
“Of course it does. I’m not mad, I just thought I would say something before I got that way.”
“Thanks for that.”
I asked, “Stella, did we help you understand, or just make it worse?”
“I still have a lot of learning to do, but I’m awfully glad I get to do it here. This is a very nice place to work.”
“I’m glad you think so.”
Stella went back to work, and we dug in. When we finished, Janet asked, “What are you doing till the Emperor shows up?”
“Worrying, I suppose.”
“Don’t you have things to do?”
“I need to go by and check in with Topper, see if anything happened overnight that I should be concerned about. Other than that, I’m not thinking of anything, right off the top of my head.”
“You better find something to do. You don’t want to think about all the ways the meeting with the Emperor could go wrong all m
orning. You’ll be a mess by the time they get here.”
“I probably should check up on Frank, he should be back aboard by now. Wilma should be able to keep him under control, but it’s beginning to look like I need to keep a closer eye on him. Seems like he’s bound and determined to be a pain in my butt.”
“See, there are things you need to do, to keep your mind off the meeting. If you think about it, I bet you will find three or four other people you need to check in with, just to ease your mind that their assignments are going smoothly.”
“When did you get so smart, little girl? You sound like you’ve been keeping me out of trouble for years.”
“That was one of the things Mom and I talked about last night. She said I would need to help her take care of you, since she would be busy with the twins.”
“Okay, that sure wasn’t what I expected you two to be talking about.”
“Oh, we talked about other things, but that did come up. She’s worried you won’t be able to stay as functional, if you don’t have her backing you up.”
“I hadn’t thought about that yet, but it is worrisome. I depend on her for a lot. She keeps me grounded, so that I can deal with things when they come up.”
“Just think of me as your assistant ground cable, then.”
“Oh, my! You’re a corker, that’s for sure. Thanks for getting me squared away this morning.”
“No problem, Dad.”
“I better get to it, then.”
“Good luck.”
“Thanks.”
I headed off to the bridge. Saucy called out, “Commodore on the bridge.”
I replied, “As you were. Mr. Topper, what’s happening in our world this fine morning?”
“Well, Boss, the Squirrels got cute overnight, but it didn’t amount to much.”
“How do you mean?”
“They sent out a ship to retrieve those sensor platforms, but instead of just picking them up, they dropped a new one in each location.” I turned to Sue. “I know it’s a long shot, but were you able to get the deactivation code they used to pull the teeth on those nasty little things?”
“No, Boss. They used a quantum link that I couldn’t tap.”
“So, we’re right back where we were?”
Topper said, “Yes. Shorty did some sensor passes to make sure they hadn’t put out more capable hardware, but the platforms they put out read just the same as the other ones.”
“Did they at least go to some trouble to make it look like they hadn’t put out more platforms?”
“Not really. It seemed like they might think that the only way we found the others was somebody tipped us off to where they were, and we didn’t really have sensors that could find them.”
“I think we have played their games long enough. We’ll give them a fireworks show on their way out of the system.”
Tex said, “Yes, Boss. I’ll give you some pretty secondaries.”
“That’s the spirit! Anything else, Topper?”
“Pouncing Fox brought Frank back about two hours ago. He and Wilma are waiting in your ready room.”
“Nicely done, Topper. I suppose I better go see if we’ve gotten his attention, yet.”
I walked over to the ready room. I tried to channel R. Lee Ermey before I opened the door. Frank saw me, and jumped up, saying, “Oh, good, you’re here. Can I go back to work, now?”
I said, “Sit your ass down! You go back to work when I’m good and ready to let you, and not before. If your work wasn’t so important to this operation, I would have sent you out for a walk after that last crap you pulled. I’m still not convinced that isn’t the right course of action.”
He wilted. I continued, “I am not going to tolerate you messing with any bot’s programming, for any reason. Am I clear?”
He replied, weakly, “Yes, Boss.”
“I can’t hear you, maggot!”
Stronger, “Yes, Boss.”
“What was that, slimebag?”
“Yes, Boss!”
“More like it. You’ve caused me to disrupt operations at Shady, just to get someone out here to keep you out of trouble. If things there get out of hand, and our cover is blown, I will hold you personally responsible. Do you understand?”
“Yes, Boss.”
“Piss me off again, and you’ll wish you were back on the planet, shoveling shit.”
“I understand, Boss.”
“You will be supervised at all times. You are not to be in the presence of a bot, unless Wilma is present. Am I clear?”
“Yes, Boss.”
“Wait outside. I want to talk to Wilma.”
“Yes, Boss.”
As soon as he closed the door, I asked, “Do you think I got his attention, Wilma?”
“You sure got mine. I’ll do my best to keep him on the straight and narrow.”
“That’s all I can ask. Thanks for coming all the way out here to deal with it.”
“You’re welcome, Boss.”
“Call me if you need anything.”
“I will. Hopefully, I can head him off before he does anything else to annoy you.”
“I hope so. There is only so much slack I can cut him.”
“I understand, Boss. I better get started.”
“See you later.” She got up and left. I commed Phonelia.
“Hi, Bob. What can I do for you?”
“Just wondering how things were going. Trying to keep busy so that I don’t worry about a meeting I have coming up.”
“Well, we just got into a new system, and we haven’t had time to survey it too well yet, but one of the planets looks promising, from this far out.”
“No sentient life, or near-sentient?”
“Not any that’s detectable from here. We’re going in without thrust, just in case.”
“Reasonable precaution. What does it look like? Ice world, or desert, or something in the middle.”
“A little colder than Earth, but not bad, by any stretch.”
“Sounds like a nice place. I hope it isn’t already taken.”
“You’ve been talking to Will, haven’t you?”
“Why do you ask?”
“You keep beating around the bush, like you’re trying to get me to tell you something.”
“You think so? Couldn’t just be your guilty conscience playing tricks on you?”
“You sneaky booger, you can’t play those tricks on me. Will told you we found a planet with beings who could evolve intelligence if we left them alone, didn’t he?”
“I refuse to confirm or deny your ridiculous accusation.”
“Did I just hear you say you don’t rat out your friends, so I might as well quit asking?”
“You’re entitled to believe whatever you want to.”
“How does Nikki put up with you?”
“Very well, thank you.”
“You don’t seem to be very upset that I didn’t report that planet to you.”
“I agree that it needs to be kept secret. I don’t want to know the coordinates, but I would have hoped you would trust me enough to tell me it existed. That’s the only thing that I’m concerned about.”
“You really don’t want to have it in reserve, as a bugout destination?”
“It would be too much of a temptation. No matter how hard we tried, we would wind up messing with that species. It’s better if we leave them alone entirely.”
“Sorry, Boss. I didn’t think you would see it that way. I figured the welfare of your crew would be your most important concern.”
“It is, but if worse comes to worst, we can hold out here at Charlie’s Planet for a good long time. We need a fallback position, but it isn’t something we need today. Besides, people know we’re associated with this system. It may well be we have to stay here to help Morning Flower fight off the folks who come here looking for us.”
“Will said you were negotiating a peace treaty with those folks. Did it fall through?”
“I’m negotiating with
the Emperor, but he doesn’t seem to have very reliable control over the Navy. I’m yet to be convinced that a treaty with him is worth the paper it is written on.”
“I see. That sounds complicated.”
“I thought it was just that we had a dumb ole hillbilly working the problem.”
“No, Bob, it’s not just you. How close are you to a treaty?”
“We signed the non-aggression pact the other day. We have some other agreements to sign today, and we should be finished for right now.”
“I’m glad you’re sitting in the big chair. Sounds nerve wracking.”
“I’m here to testify, it is. It’s better since we can be reasonably sure the Ambassador will come off his ship in the morning, and not a squad of Marines.”
“Sounds like I haven’t been getting the whole story from Will. I may have to call your pretty wife, and see what she will tell me.”
“Do what you think best, Phonelia. I better let you go, I’m sure there are things you need to be doing. Let me know how that system turns out.”
“I will. Talk to you later, Bob.”
“Bye, Phonelia.”
I thought for a minute, and decided to call Max. “Hi, Bob. What can I do for you today? Goats? Extra-long bows?”
“Believe it or not, I just called to see how things were going with you.”
“As well as can be expected, I suppose. Nothing out of the ordinary has happened lately. We did patch up a couple of saucers, but it wasn’t anything too hard. No bounties coming in trying to make us think they were in a bad way, or anything like that.”
“Moving Gail in wasn’t too bad?”
“We haven’t gotten that far. She just has a drawer and a couple of feet of closet.”
“I’m surprised she didn’t want you to move in with her.”
“She understands I need to be here for business reasons.”
“Good deal. Glad to hear you are finding some happiness.”
“Do you have any new mods for the saucers we’re fixing up?”
“Not that I know of. Do you have Scotti’s comm code?”
“I do. I’ll give her a call. Any idea when we might see you?”
“Soon, I hope. I’m ready for a break. I was hoping that we could be planetside when Nikki had the twins.”
“That would be nice. Tricky for you, though.”
