by Jerry Boyd
“How do you mean?”
“You don’t really think Nikki is going to have those kids without her Mother coming to stick her nose in, do you?”
“Thanks so much, Max. I was just getting to the point I thought things were going to get less stressful for a bit. Then you go and wind me right back up. Do you think she’ll bring Jimmis?”
“Probably. You know she doesn’t want you to meet him, don’t you?”
“I do. Nikki said he would like to meet me, and his stepsister. That’s going to cause problems, no doubt.”
“What is it you always say? ‘Problem for another day’ or something like that?”
“You’re right. I just don’t want to cause trouble between Nikki and her Mom.”
“Good luck with that. I never did figure that one out.”
“Nice talking to you, Max. I’ll let you know, when we head that way.”
“Good talking to you, Bob. It’ll be good to see you both.” The line went dead, and I sat back and thought about how far I had come, so fast. I was just getting a good reverie going, when Gene said, “The Emperor is on the line for you, Commodore.”
“Put him on, Gene.”
“Good morning, Commodore. Would you like to finish up our business today?”
“Very much, Your Majesty. When were you thinking of getting started?”
“I have a few things to wrap up. I could be on your ship in, say two hours?”
“Sounds excellent. We’ll be expecting you. Looking forward to it.”
“As am I. See you then.” The line went dead.
I asked, “Gene, have preparations for the Emperor’s visit gotten underway?”
“Mrs. Wilson had the crew begin them as soon as he said he wanted to have the meeting over here, Boss. The hall where we usually have weddings has been set up to receive him.”
“I’m sure he’ll want a tour of the ship. Do we have some of those hall carts, a little nicer than the standard?”
“Mr. Topper has some bots working on that, Boss. They should be finished in plenty of time.”
“So, what’s left for me to do?”
“Come up with some kind of official sounding address to give at the ceremony.”
“Oh, I see. They left me the hard part.”
“Mrs. Wilson said you would see it that way. She prepared a training course on public speaking, if you’re interested.”
“If I had more time to integrate the information, before I had to use it, I would be more than happy to take it. As it is, I’m afraid it might do more harm than good.”
“I’m not sure I understand, Boss.”
“If I take it now, and try to give a speech in two or three hours, I will sound like whatever Nikki thinks a public speaker should sound like, rather than Bob Wilson, after getting an education in public speaking. It will sound artificial, and the Squirrels will think I’m trying to pull something. That’s not an impression I want to leave them with.”
“Now I understand, Boss. Should I schedule you to take the course later, then?”
“If you would, remind me after the Squirrels have left the system, please.”
“Of course, Boss.”
Reassured preparations were well in hand, I decided to try and come up with some ideas for a speech. I had a few points written down, when Jeeves came in. He said, “Boss, if you want to be ready when the Emperor gets here, you better come get dressed.”
I got up and followed him to the cabin. We were the only ones there, and I asked, “Where’s Mrs. Wilson? Shouldn’t she be getting ready, too?”
Jeeves replied, “She already finished.”
I touched up my shave, and got into my uniform. I said, “As much of a circus as this process has been, I feel like wearing the uniform that Topper made, but I suppose that’s not the best idea, is it?”
“Mrs. Wilson didn’t think so. She had Jackie lock it up in the armory, until the Emperor leaves.”
“That answers that, then.” When I was ready, a hall cart was waiting outside the door. Bone looked sharp in his dress uniform. “Morning, Bone.”
“Morning, Commodore. You ready for this?”
“Nope, but let’s do it anyway.”
“That’s the spirit.” As I was getting in, I noticed the ‘Pierre the Painter’ graphics. Black, with gold pinstripes. Very classy. I said, “Topper did a number on the paint job. I like it.”
“He downloaded me the design, and I put it on. I wish I could come up with stuff like that.”
“Why do you think you can’t? Have you ever tried?”
“I’m a Marine, Boss. We’re not set up for things like that.”
“As far as I know, Topper is a cargo bot. I’m sure he has lots of programming for aesthetics.”
“Really? Maybe I should try something.”
“What do you have to lose? Try it, if you don’t like it, I’m sure Scotti can recycle it.”
“Good point, Boss. I have a question, before the Emperor gets here. What do you want me to show him, when we take him for a tour?”
“Not the mains, not the engine room, and not Launch Bay Four. Other than that, I can’t think of much.”
“That sounds easy enough. Topper already asked Haffi, Lakki, and Tikki to make themselves scarce until after he left. He was worried that the Squirrels might try to make it rough on their families back home.”
“Sounds like a reasonable precaution.”
“I was supposed to let you know that Jackie and Tikki built a present for you to give the Emperor, to celebrate the signing, and the new peace.”
“Do I get to look at it, before I give it to him?”
“Sorry, Boss. They already wrapped it. Tikki is sure he will like it, though.”
“Jackie was in on it, so it’s a weapon of some kind?”
“I saw the size of the package, I would guess a sidearm.”
“Did Topper have any input on that one?”
“I don’t know, Boss. What do you think it is?”
“Fancy presentation pistol. Used to be a traditional gift on these kinds of occasions, on my planet.”
“You could be right, Boss. Like I said, I didn’t see it before they wrapped it.”
“You know, Bone, sometimes you make me wish cold reading worked on bots.”
“You know, Boss, sometimes you make me glad it doesn’t.” We got to the bay where the Emperor would be arriving. Nikki had gotten the bots to decorate it. I really didn’t know she had those skills until then. I got out of the cart, and stood where I thought I should be to receive His Majesty. My comm rang. “Commodore Wilson, make it quick.”
“Commodore, this is Ambassador Dressi. I just wanted to let you know, you shouldn’t ask about the Empress. The Emperor is traveling with his, ah, secretary, and it wouldn’t do to upset her.”
“I’ll keep that in mind, Natti. Anything else I need to step lightly around?”
“Not that I know of, Bob.”
“You are coming over with the Emperor, aren’t you?”
“Yes. We’ll be there shortly. Are you ready to receive us?”
“As ready as we are likely to get.”
“See you soon.”
“Bye.” Nikki walked up as I was putting away my comm. Maybe I should say slithered. She was almost wearing the nicest evening gown I had ever seen her in. She said, “Enjoy it now, Caveman. I won’t be able to get into it again for a year or so.”
I replied, “I think it’s already burned into my memory hard enough that I’ll never forget it.”
“You say the nicest things, Caveman. You really think I look nice?”
“I think we have more important things to be doing than some silly old treaty.”
“Treaty first, then maybe the other. You have to earn your treats.”
“Mean old Space Cadet!”
“You have to at least act like a grown-up, today. After that, you can go back to being yourself.”
“Okay, I guess. Thanks for doing the decorating and stu
ff. I wouldn’t have had a clue.”
“How disappointed were you that you couldn’t wear your other uniform?”
“Once Jeeves told me you were serious enough to have Jackie lock it up, I figured it was a big deal to you, and I wouldn’t mess around.”
“You don’t have a lot of faith in this treaty, do you?”
“You’ve seen how much control the Emperor has over his fleet. How much confidence do you have?”
“Not much, either. Maybe we get lucky, and it’s all some kind of game to get a better deal out of you.”
“I don’t quite see how that would work, but I do hope he has more control than it looks like he does.” Gene came over the speaker. “His Imperial Majesty, the Emperor of Oak, arriving.”
We stood to, and watched them land. His pilot was pretty good, but not on Nikki’s level, to say nothing of what Ruth or Ace could do. A guard came out, surveyed the room, and said, “His Imperial Majesty, the Emperor of Oak.” He then stood aside, as the Emperor came off the ship. He helped his, ah, secretary down from the ship, and then the Ambassador exited. Nikki whispered, “Is that the Empress?”
I whispered back. “Most definitely not. That’s his secretary.”
They came toward us, and the Emperor said, “Good to see you again, Commodore, Mrs. Wilson.”
“And you, Your Majesty. Would you care for a tour of the ship, before we get down to business?”
“That sounds wonderful. I suppose we won’t get to see this Launch Bay Number Four that I’ve heard so much about.”
“Sorry, Majesty. My Chief Engineer doesn’t even let me in there.”
We loaded onto the hall cart. Natti wound up riding up front with Bone. We wandered around, showing off this and that. The Emperor’s secretary said, “You don’t have many crew, do you, Commodore?”
I replied, “We have plenty of crew. It just happens that most of them are mechanical, rather than organic.”
“You trust the bots that much?”
“I do. I understand your culture has a different view.”
“That’s putting it mildly, Commodore. Your crew would scare the pants off many of our warriors.”
“I don’t see why. They’re nice folks.”
“Don’t their electronics allow them to react faster than an organic being?”
“Possibly. It depends on the situation, though. If they already have a plan of action, certainly. If they are faced with a novel circumstance, their advantage isn’t so clear.”
“You’re saying that an organic can have an advantage, in a situation where the best course of action isn’t clear, beforehand?”
“Can, but not necessarily will. Even when faced with a new situation, bots are pretty quick on the uptake.”
The Emperor spoke up. “I think we should change the subject. You’re going to make the Commodore think we’re only here to pump him for information.”
The Secretary replied, “Yes, Majesty.”
The Emperor asked, “So, you just found this ship, a derelict?”
“We did. We were trying to go on our honeymoon at the time.”
Nikki said, “We never did get the relaxing trip we were trying for. Things just kept coming up that we needed to deal with.”
“Pardon me for asking, but how did you get it back in flying condition so quickly?”
“Lucky for us, the crew didn’t take any bots with them when they abandoned ship.”
The Secretary asked, “If the ship was full of bots, why hadn’t they already repaired it?”
“They weren’t allowed by their programming, since none of the crew had given them permission before they left the ship. They were left to their own devices, and wound up shutting down to wait for rescue.”
The Emperor said, “So, you just showed up and gave them permission, and you had a ship ready for space?”
Nikki said, “That sums it up pretty well, Your Majesty.”
“I suppose I’m missing the part where you came to the attention of my Intelligence people.”
I said, “We didn’t think to look for trackers, when we brought the ship back to life. The ones your people’s ancestors had planted all those years ago were still functional.”
“I suppose I owe someone a posthumous medal, for designing something that still functioned after that much time.”
Nikki said, “You must have wonderful records, if you could figure out who to give it to, after all this time.”
“You misunderstand me, Ma’am. Just because I owe them a medal, doesn’t mean I think I have a chance of paying off that debt.”
Nikki replied, “Oh, I see.”
Natti said, “The mere fact of the Emperor acknowledging the debt, means he sees the importance of the contribution made by this person, who likely will remain nameless. It won’t, however, keep people from trying to come up with proof that the person who did the work was one of their ancestors.”
I said, “As many years as have passed, and as many generations, I would think a majority of your population would be related to the person, one way or another.”
Nikki asked, “What do you mean, Bob?”
“I’ve seen shows on Earth where they traced people’s lineage back through time. Something like half of people with Eastern European ancestry can trace their line back to Genghis Khan. I would have to think it’s similar for anybody in history, if you had enough data to do the research. You’re talking about a lot more years, and a lot more mixing. I would think the challenge would be to find someone who wasn’t related.”
The Emperor laughed. “You’ve given me a problem, and the solution, in the space of five minutes. You are something to behold, Commodore.”
“Glad you’re enjoying yourself, Majesty. I think we’ve arrived.” Natti went in first, and then the Emperor and his secretary. I heard music playing, but it sounded like the band had an orchestra backing them up. I didn’t recognize the tune, but I had to assume it was the Imperial March, or some such. The music stopped, and Bone motioned for us to go ahead. I had never heard ‘Double Trouble’ played by a full orchestra before. I have to admit, Topper got it sounding good. When Nikki and I made it to the table where the signing was to take place, Natti and Jim Bailey stepped out. They both talked about the importance of these agreements, and how the signing was a historic moment. Then the Emperor and I were seated, and began looking over the documents, and signing them. No better than I could read Squirrel, it took a bit for me to be sure that I was signing what we had agreed to. Eventually, though, we were all done. The Emperor surprised me, by extending his hand to shake. I shook with him, and a cheer went up. Then we all filed out. I thought Topper had done a good job with the entrance, but his arrangement of ‘Why Can’t We Be Friends’ was a joy to behold. Once we were back aboard the cart, and headed to his ship, the Emperor said, “I get the feeling I missed a great deal of what the music choices meant. Care to enlighten me?”
“Topper didn’t get the proper Imperial March?”
“Yes, he did. His arrangement was a joy. I meant his choices for your entrance, and the exit.”
“His choice for my entry music commemorated my ability to find trouble, wherever I go. The exit march was an old tune entitled ‘Why Can’t We Be Friends’. I thought it very appropriate for the occasion.”
The Secretary spoke up. “If your man thinks you find trouble, wherever you go, why doesn’t he find somewhere else to work?”
Nikki said, “He has said on many occasions, he doesn’t want to work for anyone else. I think he enjoys the adventure. I know I do.”
Natti said, “As do I. I’m not looking forward to going back to Oak. I can’t imagine it will be as entertaining.”
I said, “Thanks, I think. I’m not entirely sure that’s a good thing.”
The Emperor asked, “What do you plan to do next, Commodore?”
“We hope to go back home for a while, and let the rest of the fleet take care of whatever comes up. I’d like Nikki to be planetside, when the babies c
ome.”
“Why is that?”
“I know I’m being silly, and she would be just as safe aboard ship, but it just seems to me that there are fewer variables to account for on a planet, making it easier to have everything go smoothly. Up until a few months ago, I’d been planetbound my whole life. It’s just what I’m used to.”
“That’s reasonable, wanting to be in a familiar environment, when unfamiliar things happen. One less thing to worry about.”
“Exactly.”
The Secretary asked, “How do you feel about going home to have your children, Mrs. Wilson?”
“I think that would be a spectacularly bad idea. My mother would want to take custody of the twins. Oh, I’m sorry, you meant Earth, didn’t you? I’m not from there. Earth is a wonderful place, and we have lots of friends there. It will be great to see them again.”
“I didn’t mean to confuse you. You don’t get along with your mother?”
“We get along, she just doesn’t appreciate all my decisions.”
“I think I understand.”
We got back to the ship about then, so Nikki didn’t have to go into any more detail about her relationship with her mother. I was relieved, since I wasn’t sure how the Squirrels would feel about a child born out of wedlock. Jackie and Bone were waiting for us, with a pretty package. Bone said, “Boss, here is the gift for the Emperor.”
The Emperor asked, “A gift, for me?”
I replied, “It’s traditional, where I come from, to celebrate a major agreement like this.”
“But I didn’t get you anything.”
“I beg to differ, Your Majesty. You got me a big box of peace of mind.”
“What should I do with it?”
“I think Jackie, here, would like you to open it, so she can see if you like her work.”
“Then I will.” He took off the wrapping paper carefully, with the dignity of an Emperor. Cold reading told me that the patience required was a struggle. When he got it open, he unhooked the catch, and opened the case. He said, “This decoration is beautifully done. Is it still functional?”
Jackie spoke up. “Your Majesty, it should be good for at least a million rounds, with proper cleaning. We used methods of decoration that should stand up to use. If it gives you any trouble, please let me know, and I’ll be more than happy to put it right.”
