Lauren Weisberger 5-Book Collection

by Lauren Weisberger

  Emmy rapidly glanced through the pictures of the happy couple sunning on a white sand beach, lounging in what looked like a private patio pool, and smiling over heaps of devoured crab claws and empty cocktail glasses. There weren’t any captions, though, which was maddening. Where were they? When? Was it a honeymoon? She skimmed the e-mails down the right-hand side, perky little missives from Brianna’s friends, chock-full of emoticons and ellipses and too many exclamation points to count. One of the insipid messages included a link to the Kodak Gallery Web site, and Emmy sensed her torture was only beginning.

  ‘Oh, god, no,’ she moaned aloud, stretching backward in her chair and staring at the computer warily, as though it might explode. She knew she shouldn’t click on it, but there was no turning back. She sat up straight with her shoulders down and her chest jutted out, took a deep breath, and moved the cursor to the link. She was just about to click when, thank god, she remembered the dreaded guest book. Had she clicked the link, Kodak Gallery would’ve automatically remembered her from last time and saved her name in Brianna’s guest book, right along with a helpful date and time stamp. Nightmare! Relieved that she had averted disaster, Emmy quickly went to the general home page, logged herself out, and logged in under the pseudonym and fake e-mail she used for such e-stalking activities. When she opened the link this time, the album greeting read, ‘Welcome, Lucy! Click here to see pictures from Brianna and Duncan’s Mexican Adventure.’

  Mexican Adventure? Please! They’re lying on a fucking beach, not climbing Kilimanjaro. With another deep breath, which was not the least bit calming, Emmy clicked.

  Before the screen went into slide-show mode, Emmy saw that there were dozens, possibly hundreds, of thumbnail shots. She knew this was a very bad idea, that it was stupid from an intellectual standpoint and toxic from a sanity one, but by now it was out of her control. Frames one through six passed by in a flash; it wasn’t until the seventh that Emmy collected herself enough to adjust the speed. The slower pace satisfied her for another half-dozen shots, but her compulsion to study, to examine, every square inch of every single photograph consumed her, and within seconds she had turned off the automatic slide show altogether. Now she could do this properly, at her own pace.

  Unfortunately, the first frame that remained frozen on the screen was one that must have been taken by Duncan. It featured Brianna frolicking in knee-deep surf, leaning forward to splash the viewer and simultaneously looking up, a movement that caused her back to arch almost pornographically. Emmy moved closer to the screen. Could her ass really stand up like that, all on its own? And those breasts! Even though the girl was leaning forward in a string bikini and appeared to have solid C cups, they were barely hanging at all! Emmy peered at them for a full minute and arrived at the regretful decision that no, they weren’t fake, they were just really young. Besides, twenty-two-year-old virgins don’t get fake boobs, do they?

  Click.

  Duncan filled the screen. He was lying on a pool float, a tan, newly muscled arm draped over his forehead to shield his eyes from the sun. He was wearing an unfamiliar pair of Hawaiian-print board shorts (Emmy had pleaded with him to trade in his old-man bathing suit with the alligators stitched into it, to no avail) and, wait … was that a six-pack? She squinted. It was! Formerly doughy, pale, I-sit-at-a-desk-all-day Duncan had morphed into a goddamn beach Adonis right before her very eyes. Emmy pressed her eyes closed and rubbed them, but Duncan still looked fit – downright hot – when she opened them again.

  Click.

  The happy couple again … on a dive boat! Together they sat on a wooden bench, hands on each other’s knees, looking sporty and adorable in wetsuits unzipped to their waists. They were surrounded by the debris of a recent dive, racks of tanks and regulators, discarded masks and fins, and, off to the side, a Mexican man in a white shorts uniform preparing to serve them fresh fruit and juice. Emmy had begged Duncan – literally pleaded, she now remembered with growing rage – to try scuba diving with her one year in the Bahamas over Christmas. He’d flatly refused, reminding her that he sure as hell wasn’t going to spend his precious vacation time in a pursuit as active and challenging as scuba diving. He wouldn’t even go snorkeling, that bastard, because he ‘wasn’t into the whole floating-prey thing.’

  Click.

  Brianna sitting atop the covers on a four-poster bed, reading a magazine, wearing very skimpy and nonvirginal boy shorts and a barely-there tank top. Click. The two of them in workout clothes and iPods, all sweaty and rosy-cheeked post-run. Click. Duncan making a silly kissing face at the camera, even though Duncan didn’t make silly kissing faces ever, while wearing the Cornell T-shirt Emmy had bought for him at her fifth-year college reunion. Click. Dressed up for a candlelit dinner on the sand, where they appeared to feast on whole grilled fish, lots of fresh vegetables, and white wine. Click. Click. Click. Emmy finished clicking through the entire album, briefly surveyed her level of nausea, and hunkered down to start again from the beginning.

  It was going to be a very long night.

  friendly really means available and desperate

  ‘Adi, the doorman just called to say your car is here,’ Mrs. de Souza announced from the doorway of Adriana’s room.

  ‘Okay,’ Adriana mumbled, summoning her reserves of patience to keep from being aggressively nasty to her mother.

  ‘What was that, dear? Did you hear me? I said the doorman—’

  ‘I heard you!’ Adriana said more tersely than she intended.

  Her mother sighed, the long, extended, dramatic sigh that almost always preceded a long, extended, dramatic conversation. ‘Adriana, I’ve tried to be understanding – really, I have – but the situation has become untenable.’

  Adriana felt her entire body clench, but before she could even react, the curling iron had slipped from her hand and landed on the floor, making a brief but painful stop on her thigh.

  ‘Fuck!’ she screamed, bolting to her feet and rubbing the top of her right thigh.

  ‘Adriana! Language! I won’t have you speaking like that in this house.’ Mrs. de Souza lowered her voice and approximated a soothing tone. ‘Come here now. Are you all right?’

  ‘I burned myself. There’s going to be a blister!’

  ‘I’ll bring you a little Neosporin in just a minute. But first I’d like to discuss something with you. I understand that you’re—’

  ‘Mama, please, please, please can we have this conversation when I get home? I’m already late, and as you can see, I’m not even close to being ready. I’m sorry for the language. Really, I am. But can this wait?’

  ‘It’s not just the language, Adi, it’s that tone you’ve been using lately with your father and me. I don’t have to remind you that this is our apartment, and we’re welcome to use it whenever we’d like. Now, you’ve made it very clear that you’re not happy about our presence, but have you thought how that might make us feel?’

  ‘Mama …’

  ‘And of course there’s the spending. I assure you, I’m every bit as tired of this conversation as you are, but nothing changes. It’s simply unacceptable.’

  Adriana could feel the knot in her throat begin to grow. Determined not to cry and ruin forty-five minutes’ worth of careful preparation, she breathed deeply and walked toward her mother.

  She had every intention of taking the older woman’s hands in her own and explaining calmly why this wasn’t a good time – really, she did – but the anger and frustration consumed her. Nothing on earth could inspire such rage in her as that patronizing look on her mother’s face. So she did what she had done her entire life when she felt cornered by her mother: She screamed.

  ‘WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO RUIN MY LIFE? I ASKED YOU NICELY IF WE COULD HAVE THIS DISCUSSION ANOTHER TIME AND YOU REFUSED TO LISTEN!’ She moved closer to her mother, who was slowly backing into the hallway. ‘I AM GOING TO FINISH GETTING READY AND I’M GOING TO LEAVE AND YOU ARE GOING TO DEAL WITH IT. NOW LEAVE. ME. ALONE!’

  She punctuated her di
atribe with a hearty door slam and immediately felt a wave of release. Of course it was ridiculous to yell and scream and slam doors at her age; it was positively sophomoric. But that woman could be so incredibly annoying, and her sense of timing was horrific. It was unbearable that her parents had arrived yesterday out of nowhere, with no more notice than the time it took to get to the apartment from JFK, and planned to stay through Thanksgiving, a holiday they didn’t even celebrate! The only solace was that Toby hadn’t also arrived yesterday as planned (the horror of having them all mingling in the foyer was unspeakable), so he had adequate time to find a hotel.

  ‘A hotel? Really?’ he’d asked, sounding surprised when Adriana asked if he’d like her to make the reservation or do it himself.

  ‘Why yes, querido, of course a hotel.’

  ‘I can understand why they wouldn’t be comfortable with me staying in your room, per se, but do you really—’

  ‘Toby, please!’ Adriana had interrupted in frustration. ‘You staying here with them is out of the question.’

  He’d complied, naturally, and checked himself into the Carlyle; Adriana couldn’t bring herself to explain that her beautiful apartment was really their beautiful apartment, a fact he would most certainly uncover were he to stay under the same roof. No, that simply was not acceptable.

  Determined to calm down for the sake of her complexion, Adriana took a seat at her vanity and brushed her cheeks and forehead with bronzer. She carefully outlined her lips with a nude pencil, filled them in with a slightly darker matte lipstick, and slicked a clear gloss for shine on top. A single tissue pucker and she was finished.

  The outfit was another issue entirely. What was one supposed to wear to a business dinner? Oh, how she dreaded it! It was an unusually warm November Saturday night, and all the restaurants would surely put their tables outside, and everyone would be excited at the unexpected Indian summer, racing to hit the dance clubs and loft parties that night, and she was going to some stuffy apartment on the Upper East Side. It was sure to be chock-full of musty antiques and precious little collectibles, the mere thought of which was nauseating. Antiques made her sneeze. And Limoges! Just looking at those little boxes made her want to vomit. She’d complained as much as she dared when Toby announced the evening’s plan, but she wasn’t inclined to push it; Toby might be a tad boring in addition to being ever-so-slightly dorky, but he was her boyfriend and she planned to soldier through it like a dutiful and adoring girlfriend if it killed her.

  With significantly less effort than she usually spent, Adriana quickly chose a clingy, short-sleeved cashmere wrap sweater and paired it with an extremely fitted pencil skirt. Seamed stockings – Mrs. de Souza had advocated their timeless sexiness since Adriana was a girl – and a pair of four-inch pumps completed the look.

  She felt like a nun.

  ‘I’m leaving,’ she called to no one in particular.

  Her mother materialized out of nowhere; her eyes expertly assessed Adriana’s appearance. There was a barely discernible nod of approval before the woman said, ‘He’s not picking you up?’

  ‘His hotel is on the Upper East Side, and so is the party. He sent a car instead.’ No one insisted on chivalry more than Adriana, but even she recognized the absurdity of a man riding eighty blocks downtown just to turn around and drive back again.

  Mrs. de Souza did not. ‘Oh,’ she murmured vaguely, implying without a word that she disapproved.

  ‘Don’t wait up.’ Adriana cinched on a Burberry trench – her most conservative coat – and kissed her mother’s cheek.

  ‘What time do you think you’ll be home?’

  ‘Mama …’

  Mrs. de Souza held up her hands. ‘You’re right, I apologize. Go, have fun. It’s just that your father and I would like to meet Mr. Baron soon. Isn’t that right, Renato?’

  Mr. de Souza glanced up from his O Globo only long enough to nod and tell Adriana that she looked beautiful and to wish her a wonderful time.

  Adriana escaped the apartment without any more questions and held her breath as she waited for the elevator. It really was too much already. She was a grown woman, and still she had to endure the same parental questioning and involvement as a teenager.

  She stepped out into the elegant marble lobby, so wrapped up in her anger that at first she didn’t notice anyone in the lobby.

  ‘Adi, over here,’ a voice called out.

  Adriana turned to see Leigh standing in the building’s tiny mailroom off the lobby, sorting through a pile of papers.

  ‘Hi.’ Adriana sighed dramatically, sidling up next to her.

  Leigh didn’t look up, just tossed a Victoria’s Secret catalog in the trash. ‘Nothing’ll make you feel like shit faster than that rag,’ she said. ‘Well, not you, obviously, but the rest of us.’

  ‘Oh, please, you’re gorgeous,’ Adriana said automatically, although she was pleased – and in full agreement – with Leigh’s assessment.

  ‘Where are you headed tonight?’

  Another sigh. ‘With Toby to some dreadful industry dinner party. Studio execs or producers or some such, in town for a reason I can’t remember.’

  ‘Maybe it won’t be that bad. Where is it?’

  ‘Uptown.’

  Leigh crinkled her nose. ‘Oh. That sucks.’

  ‘What are you up to?’ Adriana already knew what the answer was but felt she should ask anyway. Leigh was a lot of really wonderful things, but fun wasn’t one of them.

  ‘Me?’ Leigh glanced down at her flannel pajama pants and laughed. ‘I’ve got a hot date with my TiVo and a pint of Tasti D-Lite. Shocker, I know.’

  Adriana shook her head. ‘And where’s your fiancé? No, wait – let me guess. He’s out somewhere like a normal person, having fun and being sociable, and you refused to go with him?’

  ‘I didn’t refuse, I just opted out. Besides, I have a ton of work to do.’

  ‘Okay, okay, querida, I must be going. If I stay here a moment longer, I’m going to get very upset with you. I’m going to sound like your mother and ask why someone as young and beautiful and charming as yourself insists on hibernating instead of flourishing.’

  ‘Flourishing? Did you just say that?’ Leigh glanced at the cover of a Sharper Image catalog and tossed that one out, too.

  ‘Ach!’ Adriana threw her hands up in frustration. The girl was impossible. And what a waste of a perfectly good boyfriend. Poor Russell probably just wanted to go out, relax a bit, have a little fun, and his girlfriend didn’t know the meaning of the word. ‘You should be going to this boring dinner tonight and I should be out with Russell, having fun.’

  Leigh rolled her eyes. ‘Go! Say hi to Toby for me. And behave yourself, will you? No mischief at the dinner party.’

  ‘What, are you worried we’re going to have sex in the bathroom?’ Adriana asked with a grin.

  ‘I’m more worried that you’ll have sex in the bathroom with someone other than Toby.’

  Adriana pretended to consider this. ‘Hmm. I hadn’t even thought of that. Very interesting …’

  The ride up to Seventy-fourth and Park was interminable. She was too young for formal dinner parties uptown! Too young to bury her beautiful figure under knee-length skirts and trench coats! Too young to be with only one man for the rest of her life! It was all so silly, this rush to find a husband just because she’d soon be thirty. Such pressure! From her parents, but from her friends, too: Why were they so convinced that their path was the correct one? Adriana grew angrier with every passing block; by the time they soared past the MetLife building she had resolved to end this entire farce once and for all. So she’d lose a bet – big deal.

  The town car flew past Bear Stearns, and Adriana couldn’t help but think of Emmy’s Duncan, as she always did when she passed the building where he had once famously (in her mind, at least) claimed to ‘run shit.’ She’d never liked him, but Adriana had to admit that he was a reasonably attractive, overly confident, typical New York banker who pretty much had h
is pick when it came to girls. Wasn’t it safe to assume that if Duncan had traded Emmy in for someone eight years younger, his friends and colleagues would do the same? Of course it was. And there was always Yani. Over the last few months she’d stepped up her efforts to flirt with him, make him notice her, until it had all ended one devastating morning when she saw him kiss another girl after class. Not one who was prettier or in better shape, mind you, but with a clear and undeniable advantage: She couldn’t have been a day over twenty. And finally there was Toby. Her mother might have said it first, but Adriana didn’t disagree: While there was no shortage of successful, handsome, wealthy men, not that many were straight or single. Of those left, how many would choose to marry a thirtysomething woman over a fresh-faced girl of twenty-two, one who looked up at them with big, adoring eyes and an expression that said, ‘I revere you and think every syllable you utter is the word of god’? Adriana knew she could fake it for a bit in the beginning, but her days of worshipping men were long gone – if they were worthy of her attention, they could worship her.

  Toby was waiting for her outside the building when she arrived. Adriana almost told him he should have worn a pair of slacks with his blazer instead of jeans – Park Avenue and the Hollywood Hills didn’t exactly share the same dress code – but she remembered to channel her inner twenty-two-year-old, leaned in close, and whispered in his ear, ‘You look so hot tonight. I can’t wait until later.’

  His face lit up with unabashed joy. ‘Really?’

  Good lord, it was too easy. Mr. Superstar Director might ooze cockiness and confidence when it came to making movies, but he clearly wasn’t accustomed to this kind of compliment. Adriana did a quick calculation and figured she had probably just knocked a full month off of Ring Quest ’08.

  ‘Really,’ she purred.

  The doorman greeted them by name and ushered them into the richly upholstered elevator. ‘Take it to the top,’ he said without a trace of irony. Adriana rolled her eyes and Toby laughed. This isn’t so bad, she thought, allowing him to wrap his arms around her from behind as the elevator closed. He’s cuddly and sweet and he loves me. I could get used to this, if I must.