Control

by M. S. Willis

  I didn’t know how to respond. I didn’t understand the hold Daemon had over me enough to explain it to myself, much less Alex. My mind was fighting some kind of internal battle and my logic understood what Alex was saying, while my soul was grasping to the thought of how Daemon affected me. I had to remind myself that he wasn’t controlling my life, he wasn’t even attempting to do so. If anything, Daemon had been more liberal in his influence over my decisions than Alex was being at this very moment. Whereas Daemon had allowed me to make the choice, Alex was trying to force a decision within me.

  “I don’t know what to tell you, Alex. I can’t help what I feel for him. It’s out of my control.” Tears began to trail down my face as I admitted to him the very thing I had not yet admitted to myself. Daemon had invaded every part of me and I was powerless to push him away.

  Alex nodded his head once before he grabbed his keys from my side table and slammed my door closed as he exited my room. I heard his heavy footsteps as he crossed through the living room and slammed the front door behind when he left the apartment.

  I laid down on the bed and tears fell from my eyes. I could still smell his cologne on my pillow and I pulled it to hug to me. My tears kept falling as the shame and guilt ripped through me. Alex was one of my best friends and I feared I had just lost him because I wasn’t strong enough to stop what was between us before his heart became too involved. I laid there, curled around the pillow and cried myself to sleep.

  ~

  It was a humid July evening and I was outside the Center playing in the tall grass with nothing but the cicada as background noise. The sun had begun to set and I knew that I would be going home soon for dinner, my bath, and then bed. I laid down amongst the wildflowers and listened to the sounds of the wetlands that surrounded the Center. With my eyes closed, I imagined that there was no other place as peaceful as this backyard.

  “Paige?”

  I opened my eyes at the sound of my name and turned to find Buddy standing there, backlit by the setting sun. Even draped in the brilliant light, I could tell something was wrong by the look on his shadowed face.

  “Buddy? What’s wrong? Did you get in trouble again for sneaking in the kitchen and stealing sweets? You know Momma and Daddy don’t like it when we take without asking” I scolded. He looked at me and sat down in the grass beside me. He was quiet for a moment and then looked up with the most pained expression in those crystal blue eyes. “Paige. If I tell you something, do you promise to keep it a secret?” he whispered. I instantly sat up and grabbed Buddy’s hands in mine. “What is it Buddy? What happened?” Buddy started to cry and I took him into the biggest hug my little five year old body could muster. Momma always said that hugs can fix even the biggest of hurts.

  When Buddy stopped crying he wiped his face on his sleeve and looked over at me again. “My mommy is leaving, Paige. She is taking me with her and she says we won’t be coming back to the Center. She told me I had to be quiet about it, that I couldn’t let your folks know where we are going.”

  “But why?!” I protested. “I don’t understand. Women leave the Center all the time and they always let Momma know where they are going.” I looked at Buddy and my face must have given away my heartache. He pulled me into his lap and we hugged and rocked back and forth. He finally let out a sigh and quietly responded, “I don’t know why we are going, or why I can’t tell no one, but I’ll get in trouble if she finds out I told you. You have to promise to keep this secret.”

  While we were talking, my mother came outside and began to call for me. With the grasses being so high, you could barely see me when I was standing up, much less sitting down. I untangled myself from Buddy and stood up to look for my mother. She caught sight of me and came over to where Buddy and I were sitting. “Paige, sweetie, it’s about time to start heading home. It’s getting dark and you two need to get inside before you become a buffet for the mosquitos again. You know they can’t resist biting something as sweet as the two of you.”

  “OK Momma. Buddy and I will be inside shortly.” My mother turned to go back to the Center but stopped and turned back our direction. “Buddy? Why does it look like you’ve been crying? What’s wrong?” Buddy looked between me and my mother, trying to determine if I would tell. Once he realized I would remain silent he smiled up at my mother and said “Sorry Mrs. Stone, but I haven’t been crying. I was just watching the sun set with Paige before you came out here. Mommy says I have something called “avergies”, so maybe that’s what you’re seeing.” Momma laughed and said “allergies, Buddy. You have allergies.” She sighed. “You are probably right though, the pollen count has been unusually high this summer. But that’s just another reason why you should come inside, so hurry up you two. I don’t want to have to tell you again.”

  Momma turned and finally retreated back into the building. I looked at Buddy and couldn’t help the hurt that was crushing my little body. The pain didn’t show on my skin like the women as they arrived at The Center, but I knew it was the same thing they felt every time they entered. Buddy walked over to me and wrapped his arms around my neck. He kissed me on the forehead and took my hand and started to lead me back inside. I dug in my feet and pulled Buddy back before we walked the full distance. I looked up into his haunted eyes and whispered, “Will I ever see you again?”

  I was shocked when Buddy laughed and drew me into a bear hug. “I don’t know when, but someday you will see me again. I’ll make a pact with you, Paige. You keep this to yourself and after we are gone, I will make sure I get back here to play with you in the yard. I don’t know why Mommy is leaving the way that she is, but I do know that she loves your Momma and Daddy. I’m sure after a couple days she’ll want to come back. But I promise you Paige, you are my best friend and I’ll never leave you.” A tear ran down my cheek and Buddy wiped it away with his sleeve.

  “Now quit crying, you’re acting like a girl.”

  I looked up at Buddy with the most forceful expression that I had and said “I am a girl Buddy, and don’t you ever forget it. Besides, you just don’t like the fact that a ‘girl’ can beat you at climbing trees.”

  At that Buddy laughed again. He pulled away from me and then wrapped his arm around my shoulder. “I guess you’re right Paige, but I’m going to practice climbing trees every day and when I get back here, we’ll see who reaches the top first.” With that, we walked inside. Buddy went back to his mom’s room and I walked out the entrance with my folks. I looked back as Buddy retreated down the hallway to the rooms. He turned to me before opening his door and smiled.

  My consciousness shifted to the next morning when I returned to the Center and ran to Buddy’s room. I knocked on the door softly at first, just in case he and his mom were still sleeping. I put my ear to the door but didn’t hear anybody inside, so I walked down the hall and turned into the kitchen to eat breakfast. After eating, I went outside and figured that Buddy would come out to play when he woke up and was ready. My momma came out several hours later and picked me up when she reached me. She looked sad and I reached my hand up to her cheek to comfort her just like she always had done for me. “Paige, I have to tell you something and I know you aren’t going to like it.”

  I already knew what she was going to say. Buddy had already told me.

  “Baby, Buddy’s mom has left the Center. She left us a note telling us how much she and Buddy would miss us but said that she made some decisions and had to leave.” I looked down at the ground and then back up into my mother’s mournful eyes. “Did she say where she and Buddy went? Did she leave us a way to find them?” I was so hopeful that Buddy was wrong and that his mommy would have left us an address or a phone number where we could contact them. My mother sighed and shook her head. She placed a kiss on the top of my head and put me back down on the ground. She knelt down to my height and took my face in her hands. “I’m sorry baby, but sometimes when our guests leave they don’t want to keep in touch with us. This place can carry some bad memories for those who
want to put their pasts behind them. I love that you had something special with Buddy, but I don’t want you getting your hopes up that you will see him again. I just want you to remember the friendship that you had with Buddy and be hopeful that wherever his mommy took him, they will have a better life than they did before they came here.” I didn’t cry at what my momma told me. I couldn’t. Buddy had promised me he would find me again and Buddy never lied. Even though Momma said I shouldn’t keep my hopes up, I knew that there was something to be hopeful for. I nodded my head and looked at my momma. “Okay.”

  She took me into a hug again and said “that’s my brave girl.” My mom stood up and ruffled my hair and then turned to walk back into the building.

  Chapter Thirteen

  My body shot forward, ripping me from my sleep. Tears burned my eyes and were pouring down my face as I felt two arms pulling me into an embrace. I buried my face into David’s chest and my body shook with the force of my sobs. The pain consumed me as it flooded my body and I cried for Alex, and I cried for the friend I lost when I was young. A dam had just broken within me and no matter how hard I tried to stop, there was no containing the deluge that battered my mind and body.

  David held me patiently, stroking my hair and whispering words that I could barely hear over the sounds escaping from me. It took so much restraint for me to keep from pushing David away. I wanted to scream until my throat was raw, to tear apart and destroy everything around me. My mind was desperate to break the physical objects that surrounded me to distract myself from the agony I carried within myself. David continued to hold me and he gently rocked me back and forth as I wept. After a while, my eyes ran dry and my body heaved with occasional tremors as I slowly calmed myself down. My heart pounded within my chest and my fingernails cut small grooves into the skin of my hands from having been balled into fists. David was quiet as he cradled my body and he waited for me to come back to him from my misery.

  When I had finally settled and calmed to the point of sanity, David spoke softly to me. “I’m so sorry, Paige. I had no idea he was here. If I had known, I would have never pressured you to talk about your night with Daemon. I’m so damn sorry.”

  I shook my head in an attempt to tell him it wasn’t his fault. My voice wouldn’t work and I couldn’t express what I was thinking. He smoothed his hand over my hair until I calmed even more and could look up at him. When I was able to find my voice again, I responded to what David had said. “It’s not your fault, David. I shouldn’t have allowed my arrangement with Alex to continue for as long as I did. I’ve known for a while that what I was allowing was selfish, but I wasn’t strong enough to tell him. It’s my fault; he’s hurting because of me.”

  David kept consoling me even though I didn’t deserve his comfort. I’d been a bad friend; I deserved this pain and I was angry that I couldn’t bear the burden of Alex’s pain as well.

  “Beautiful, I know what happened was hard on you, and I know you are worried about Alex, but I don’t think you should be taking it as hard as you are. Alex is a grown man and you were always clear with him about what was going on between the two of you. I don’t see how you can be blamed for anything that has happened.”

  My muscles ached as I pulled myself into a seated position next to David. He continued to lightly pat me on my back as I wiped away the tears from my face and rubbed at my swollen eyes.

  “You don’t understand. He was in love with me. I knew he was and I knew I could never feel the same way about him. I should have ended it months ago, but I was too weak…”

  “Stop right there. It’s not your fault he accepted that arrangement. He knew you didn’t feel the same way for him. You never led him on and you never lied to him. You can’t blame yourself.”

  I considered what David was saying and couldn’t see past my part in the situation. I was always up front with Alex, always the one to clearly identify what type of relationship we had, but I still knew how he felt. What was I supposed to do when I realized that his heart was involved?

  “Are you blaming him, David?”

  David sighed as he took my hands in his. He absently rubbed at the marks my fingernails had made in my skin as he replied, “Paige, no one is to blame. Alex may have had the foolish idea that he could change you, but if he had just opened his eyes, he would have seen that you couldn’t love him back. If he thought being intimate with you would change things, then he only has himself to blame. I don’t want to see you beating yourself up over this. It happened. Give it some time and I’m sure Alex will move past this so that you can be friends again. Sitting around being upset about it won’t do anybody any good; so stop.”

  I raised my face up to David and he laughed as he wiped away the remnants of my breakdown. “I know this situation sucks, but you need to let it go.” I nodded my head in agreement and he smiled at my acceptance of what he was saying.

  “I’m happy that you agree. Now, I need you to get your pathetic ass up and jump in the shower. I have a date coming over tonight and I’ll be damned if your drama is going to mess it up.”

  Laughter bubbled out from me and I began to push myself up from the bed. “I’ll make sure I’m presentable for your date.” An image of David in an apron with the feather duster popped in my head. “Is your date the reason you were dressed like you were this morning?”

  “Yes. Matt will be here at five and I want everything to be perfect. First impressions are important and I won’t let anything screw this up.”

  David’s last words were a warning. I knew better than most that when David wanted to make a good impression, he would stop at nothing to do so. If I continued to wallow in my self-pity, it was possible that I would find myself tied up and stored safely away in my closet until Matt left. Hoping to avoid that fate, I sucked up my melancholy and went about getting myself cleaned up.

  Once I had made myself presentable to David’s standards, I was allowed to park my ass on the living room sofa where I was intent to remain for the rest of the evening. Annie came home and marched into the room to collapse on the couch beside me. Her face was contorted into a painful looking scowl and I was instantly worried that things had not gone well on her date with Logan.

  “How did it go last night?” My voice gave away my uneasiness at having to ask.

  She pulled herself away from her thoughts and looked at me inquisitively. “Huh?”

  “Last night. Your date with Logan. How did it go?”

  “Oh! It went great. Logan is an amazing guy. I wish I would have met him months ago when you first mentioned him to me.” She nudged me with her elbow. “I think you are right, I need to reconsider my dating criteria.

  My eyes rolled at her admission and I withheld the ‘I told you so’ that begged to escape my lips. “Did you two go out, or did David hold you captive for the rest of the night?”

  Annie’s eyes brightened and she shifted her position to look at me face to face. “He took me to the beach and, oh my god, it was so romantic. We walked along the shoreline in the moonlight and he showed me all of his favorite places. He asked me to hang out with him at Tomb tonight until he gets off of work.”

  My relief was palpable. I was performing a victory dance in my head and my face couldn’t hide my excitement for her. Logan was worth my approval and I hoped that Annie would learn the difference between her normal type of guy and a good one. “So, what was up with the scowl plastered to your face when you got home?”

  “That was because of work. I love the job, Paige, and I’m happy to be working in the industry, but the people I have to work with are awful. I was five minutes late getting into work today and someone complained to the office manager that it wasn’t fair that I get to come in whenever I want. It was ridiculous. I have never been late, I work evenings and weekends when I have to, and I rarely take a lunch. But yet, when I’m five minutes late one day, those bitches go complaining to management. I swear they need to get a fucking life! All they do is sit around and talk about how crappy their li
ves are and about other people. They need to stop pushing their noses into other people’s lives. Sometimes, I swear that they have nothing better to do than to spread around their misery. It’s pathetic.”

  Annie’s tirade was amusing and I laughed at hearing it. This was the same complaint I got from David most days and I wished they could find a better place to work. David had switched jobs several times trying to escape the people he couldn’t stand, but he realized that no matter where he worked, the people were the same. He finally settled down at the office they currently work at and I was glad they had each other for company.

  Annie began to squirm in her seat and I watched her as she mulled over whatever it was she was thinking about. “How was your night with Daemon?”

  Her question took me by surprise. From the way she had been acting just before she asked, I could have sworn something more serious had been on her mind. “It was good. We went to a coffee shop for a while and then back to his place.”

  She nodded her head, still obviously struggling with something. “So, Logan told me some things about Daemon last night, and I don’t want to bring it up, but I think you have the right to know before things become serious between the two of you.”

  My heart dropped. This had to be bad. Annie is the type of person that had no filter. There was not a phrase, word or sentence in existence that didn’t roll off her tongue at any moment, despite whether it could be deemed appropriate or not. For her to be struggling with what she wanted to say, it meant that my feelings for Daemon were about to be shattered.

  “Spit it out, Annie.”

  Annie squirmed some more, fidgeted with her hands and checked out the state of her toenail polish before responding. “Logan is worried because Daemon has a reputation for being a player. He said it’s a new girl every couple of nights and obviously, he can’t say anything to Daemon to warn him off of you, being that Daemon is his boss and all; but he wanted me to tell you to be really careful.”