[2016] First Comes Love

by Emily Goodwin

  The kitchen erupts in a chorus of “it’s a girl!” and I’m grinning even more. I look around at my close friends and family, all here to celebrate with me, and catch a glimpse of Jenny’s forced smile. She’s got her arms tightly wrapped around herself, and it’s anything but cold in here. Mom and Dad aren’t fans of turning on the air-conditioning until it’s ninety degrees.

  “Do you have a name picked out?” Mom’s finally calm enough to speak. Dad was right; she was hoping for a granddaughter.

  “Ella,” Noah and I say in unison. His eyes meet mine. “Lauren picked it out before we knew.”

  “Oh, it’s beautiful!” Mom wipes her eyes. “I’m going shopping tomorrow. Mom, come with me? Let’s start spoiling this baby!”

  My grandmother, who is in incredible shape for seventy-six, excitedly agrees. I take the cake from Noah and sit at the table, eating it while everyone else fills plates with the hamburgers Dad made on the grill. I’ll have one too.

  Just after my cake.

  “So,” Noah starts, lacing his fingers between mine. We’re laying in my bed, both naked after sex. “We should start thinking about living arrangements after the baby is born.”

  “We should,” I reply sleepily. And really, we should. After the gender reveal yesterday, my mom and grandma brought over enough clothes to fill Ella’s closet already. I hung everything up, not wanting to divide and keep half here, half at Noah’s house. I’ve brought it up a few times to Noah, and we’ve both skirted around the subject, knowing it isn’t going to be easy to make a decision. “I want us both to live together. All three of us, I mean.”

  He leans forward and kisses me, then settles down, wrapping me in his arms. One hand settles on my stomach, waiting to feel movements. I swear Ella knows when it’s his hand. She stops moving immediately.

  “One of us should move in with the other.”

  “That’s a huge step,” I blurt and roll over to look into his blue eyes. Stubble covers his face, even though he shaved yesterday. His hair grows faster than anyone I know, and it’s not fucking fair. “Too big?”

  “I don’t think so,” he says without missing a beat. “I … I want us to be a family.”

  “I do too, Noah. I want Ella to grow up with her mom and dad.”

  “Then we’ll have to pick a house and live in it. Together.”

  Together sounds nice. Together sounds right. And together is something we can do. They say you can’t change someone, but someone can change for you.

  Noah has. Not just for me, but for us.

  “If I move in with you, I’d have to sell my house.”

  “Fuck.” Noah takes a breath, not saying what we both are thinking. “Well, my lease is up at the end of the year,” he starts and pulls me onto his chest. It takes a bit of creative rearranging to get my growing belly to fit against him, but we make it work. I run my nails up and down his arm, listening to his heart beat. It’s steady, then gets faster and faster. “I want to be with you. I want to take care of you and Ella … and even your dogs. Making you happy makes me happy. I’ve never felt that before, never realized that one person could impact me in such a way, but you do, and thinking about not having you there when I wake up in the mornings hurts. I want you in my life, Lauren.”

  “I want you in mine.” Tears pool in my eyes. Hormones make me extra emotional right now, and damn, he is good with words.

  “We don’t need to make a decision now,” he says, probably sensing my hesitation.

  “I know. One thing we do need to make a decision on is what to put on our registry list for the baby shower.”

  “When is that?”

  “I’m thinking have it around thirty weeks. It’s a little early, according to the baby books, but you know me. I’d rather do it a bit earlier and have everything in place. I could go into labor early.”

  “I hope you don’t,” he says and puts his hand on my belly. “But I agree with you on being prepared. It won’t hur—was that her kicking?”

  “Yeah, that’s her.” With a smile on my face I put my hand over Noah’s, feeling Ella’s little kicks. I’m still smiling when I close my eyes. Maybe happy endings do exist.

  “Noah and I talked about living arrangements post baby,” I tell my mom and Katie the next weekend over lunch. Noah is out of town again this weekend, shooting another wedding. He says he hates it, but after seeing the invoice laying on his desk, I understand why he agreed to do it. He’s making more this weekend in twelve hours than I do in three months.

  No wonder he’s always offering to buy me stuff.

  “Oh.” Mom’s eyebrows go up “And?”

  “He’s going to live with us after Ella is born. Well, probably before too, actually. I don’t want to deal with moving stuff and a newborn at the same time.”

  “Do you really want to do this, Lauren?” Mom asks.

  “Yes. It’ll be a million times easier to live together and raise a baby.”

  “You don’t do something just because it’s easy,” Mom reminds me.

  “I’ve seen Harry Potter enough to know ‘easy’ and ‘right’ aren’t the same thing, Mom.” I shake my head and look at Katie for support, but she looks just as unsure as our mother. “And he’s moving in with me. If it doesn’t work for some reason, he’ll move back out. But I don’t think that’s gonna happen.”

  “Honey,” Mom starts, “you made a poor choice the night you and Noah … you know.” She waves her hand in the air. “You didn’t mean to get pregnant. It was an accident—don’t worry, you know that I support you and my grandbaby no matter what. But you don’t accidentally move in with someone. You’re young. Yes, you will have a child, but that doesn’t stop you from living your life.”

  “What do you mean?” I ask.

  “She means don’t trap yourself with Noah,” Katie says bluntly. “Single moms date people other than their baby daddy.”

  “Katie!” I exclaim, feeling betrayed. She gives Mom a sideways glance. Great, they’ve been talking about this without me. “Guys, I’m not selling my soul or anything. Yeah, I didn’t mean to get pregnant. Obviously. But it happened and Noah and I decided to give things try and so far it’s working.”

  “You said ‘so far,’ like you think it’s not going to work.” Katie pushes her salad around on her plate.

  “Really? You’re going to pick apart my words?” I set my fork down, abandoning my pasta, and rest my hands on my stomach. “I’ve been skeptical. Very skeptical. Come on, you know me. Who’s better at coming up with the worst possible outcome of any situation than me?”

  “She has a point,” Katie says and gets a glare from my mother. “And even Colin says Noah’s behaved since he found out.”

  “He has!” That one incident at The Roadhouse doesn’t count, right? “I’m not going to deny Noah’s bad behavior in the past, but it’s in the past.”

  Mom nods. “Old habits die hard, honey.”

  “What, you don’t think I’m good enough for him? You think he’ll leave me for someone else?”

  “Not at all,” Mom says carefully, seeing the tears in my eyes. “I don’t want you to get hurt, that’s all. You’re still my baby girl. You’ll understand when you hold your own little one.”

  And now I’m close to crying again. Stupid hormones. I tip my head up and blink back the tears. “I know, and thanks for looking out for me. Just believe me when I say I want Noah to move in. Ella is his daughter too, and I really like being with him. There’s more to him than I ever would have guessed, and I like all the extra stuff I’m seeing.”

  “He treats you well?” Mom questions.

  “Very well. He makes me laugh, makes me feel pretty, even with this thing.” I pat my belly.

  “Just be careful,” my sister says, eyes meeting mine. “I know how much you want a happily ever after. I don’t want you to force it.”

  Doubt begins to creep over me. Am I forcing anything? “I’m not. Noah and I are taking things slow. We said from the start if being togethe
r as a couple didn’t work, we wouldn’t force it because neither of us want that.”

  Mom nods. “Consider all your options, Lauren.”

  I nod, take a deep breath, and reach for my lemonade. I guess I won’t bring up Noah wanting Ella to have his last name just yet. “I am, and I will. In the end, I want what’s best for Ella.”

  “You’re a smart girl, Lauren. I know you’ll do the right thing.” Mom pats my hand and smiles. “Now, let’s talk about the baby shower.”

  Chapter 18

  NOAH

  THE KNOT ON the door is most welcome, giving me a break from my work. I rub my eyes and look away from the computer. I’ve been editing for hours and still have at least a dozen more photos to go through. Stretching, I get up and make my way to the door, wondering why Lauren didn’t use the key I gave her.

  Does she not feel comfortable enough to let herself in? If so, isn’t that a problem if we’re going to be living together in a few months?

  “You’re not Lauren,” I say when I open the door.

  “Hardly,” Melody replies.

  I don’t step aside and invite her in. “Can I help you with something?”

  She smiles, dark-rimmed eyes narrowing ever so slightly. “I got locked out of my place. Can I wait here until the super brings up a spare key?”

  “I’m leaving soon.”

  She leans forward and her tits almost fall out of her top. I want to look. Is that bad? “I call bullshit.”

  “I’m not bullshitting you. I’m leaving once my girlfriend gets here.”

  “You’re still dating that chick with the dogs?”

  “I am. Her name is Lauren.”

  Melody arches her eyebrows. “I’m surprised.”

  “And I’m surprised you still care.”

  “I don’t care. What—or who—you do in your spare time is no concern of mine.”

  I roll my eyes. Yeah the fuck right. Why else would she be here? She takes a step closer.

  “So you’re really not going to let me in?”

  “There’s no point. I won’t be here much longer.”

  She takes in a deep breath, pushing her tits out. The elevator at the end of the hall dings. I smile as soon as I see a few inches of Lauren’s face, revealed as the metal doors slide open. Her eyes go from me to Melody, and her face falls.

  Melody turns, and actually takes a step back in surprise when she sees Lauren.

  “What the fuck?” Her hand flies to her mouth and she stifles a laugh. “You two … no way. No fucking way.” She lets out a laugh. “No wonder you keep coming around.”

  “Bye, Melody,” I say sternly. She takes a step back, allowing Lauren past. I shut the door as soon as Lauren is inside.

  “What was she doing here?” Lauren asks, sliding her purse off her arm. She’s wearing a black dress that’s belted above her belly. Her hair is pulled back into a messy bun and she’s wearing little makeup.

  She’s absolutely stunning.

  “Nothing,” I say and realize the one-word answer is the worst I could give. “She said she got locked out of her apartment and wanted to stay here until someone let her in. I told her no,” I offer apologetically.

  Lauren’s jaw tenses and I wonder if she’s thinking about how Melody and I used to fuck. Because I am, and not in a good way. I feel awkward now, having my girlfriend, mother of my child, and love of my life standing here in front of me. It reminds me how much I don’t deserve her.

  I’d take everything back if it meant being with Lauren sooner.

  Her lower lip trembles and she looks down at herself. “I’m hideous and huge.” A tear rolls down her face.

  “Hey,” I say and rush over, taking her in my arms. “You’re not. Not at all.”

  “Yes, I am. Did you see the way she looked at me?” Lauren’s voice is tight as she tries not to cry. I bring her to the couch and pull her into my lap.

  “You are beautiful as always.”

  “No, I’m not.”

  I rub her belly. “You’re carrying my child. What you’re doing is amazing, and you look amazing. I promise. You know I find you hot as hell still. I can prove it to you.” I wiggle my eyebrows. “Want to move this party into the bedroom?”

  Lauren smiles. “Kind of. But I want to go shopping too.”

  “Then we’ll shop first. Just know I’m going to ravish you when we get back.” I cup her face and kiss her, tasting salty tears on her lips.

  “Thanks, Noah.” Her arms wrap around me and the words burn on my tongue. I want to tell her I love you—that I’ve loved her—so fucking much.

  But I don’t, because I’m scared. Scared she doesn’t feel the same, that she’ll tell me we’re better off as friends, that she doesn’t think I’m good enough for her and for Ella.

  “Where do you put all this stuff?” I ask. “It’s so much.”

  Lauren smiles. She’s having fun registering items for the baby shower, and is going a little crazy with that scanner if you ask me. “Maybe we don’t use it all at once? Like this play mat thing isn’t until she’s a little older.”

  “Right. She’s going to sleep most the day for what, like a month?”

  She scans another item. “That’s what my baby book says, but from what I read online, they spend a lot of time crying too.”

  I force a smile, deciding to tell her I’m getting terrified to have something so small under my care later. I don’t want to ruin her fun right now.

  “Lovely.” I follow her down the aisle.

  “Maybe we’ll get lucky and have a newborn that sleeps most of the night.”

  “Hopefully. It’s kind of crazy to think you’re in the third trimester already. Crazy, and a little scary.” I pick up a pink and purple baby toy, subconsciously smiling down at it. “What about this?”

  “Oh, that’s cute!”

  I flip it so Lauren can scan the barcode. She’s twenty-eight weeks along now and getting bigger every week. I’ve never looked at a pregnant woman’s body before, never taken the time to stop and think how incredible the whole thing is. Lauren says she feels like a whale, and I’m not ashamed to admit I’m looking forward to her having her body back, but I find her beautiful and sexy, baby bump and all. She’s growing our child, after all. That’s kind of a big deal.

  I run my eyes over her and get hit with desire, brain flashing to her on top of me last night. I don’t know how she doesn’t see how beautiful she is. And now registering for baby stuff is taking way too long. She needs to be on me, under me, fuck, just touching me—now.

  “What?” she asks, glancing up into my eyes.

  “Nothing,” I say, shaking my head. Nothing, just getting turned on in the middle of fucking Target. “We’re almost done with the list.”

  “Good. I have to pee.”

  “You always have to pee.”

  “Hey, you try having a giant baby inside of you and see how long you can go without peeing.”

  I grab her around the waist. “Want another giant thing inside of you?”

  She laughs and pushes me away. “Kind of. Yeah, I do. I think the answer will always be yes.”

  “It better be.”

  She rolls her eyes and laughs. “What’s next?”

  I look at the paper. “Bath supplies.”

  We head into the next aisle. “It’s a shame your mom had to work and couldn’t make it this weekend.”

  “Yeah, a shame.” I don’t even try to hide my sarcasm. Mom picked up an extra shift, and I can’t help feel she did it on purpose to avoid seeing us—again. She sent me an Amazon gift card via email, which pissed me off even though I prefer it. It’s convenient for the both of us, but that’s how it is when you’re mad at someone. Everything they do, no matter how innocent, pisses you the fuck off. Going to the store for a card and the gift card was too much work for her, which to me translates into how little she cares. How little she’s always cared.

  Lauren makes a face, one that’s easy to read. She wants to ask me why I don’t like my
mother but doesn’t want to offend me. Sometimes she’s too fucking nice. I hate that she holds back on account of not wanting to risk ruffling feathers. Though on the other hand, I don’t want to talk about it. Not now. Or ever.

  “I really want a hot dog,” Lauren says. “And a big pretzel with cheese. We need to stop at the cafe on the way out.”

  “That’s doable. I haven’t had a big pretzel in years. It sounds good.”

  “Doesn’t it? I’m craving salty stuff bad right now.”

  “I got something salty for ya.” I put my hands on her waist and she playfully shoves me away.

  She takes the list from me, checking things off. I have to admit I admire her organizational skills. I’ve tried being organized before. It just doesn’t happen and sometimes I have a hard time understand how anyone can keep their shit together like that.

  “You’re going to be a good mom,” I tell her.

  Lauren looks up from the list and smiles. “I hope so. I worry a lot about it. I don’t want to let this kid down. It’s bad enough I didn’t take prenatal vitamins until I was over a month along.”

  “The doctor said that wasn’t going to be an issue,” I remind her. “And you seriously need to let that go and not beat yourself up over it. Ella is doing just fine.” I put my hand on her belly.

  “Thanks. And you’re going to be a good dad.” Her eyes meet mine and she smiles, honestly believing it.

  I smile back, but feel like a fraud. She believes it, but I don’t.

  Chapter 19

  LAUREN

  “SHOULD YOU START bringing stuff over?” I ask Noah. It’s Tuesday night and I just got off work. I’m exhausted. At thirty weeks pregnant, I don’t see how I can get any bigger. And I still have ten weeks left.

  “Probably. I hate packing.” He makes a face and stands, taking both our empty dinner plates off the table to put in the dishwasher. “If I start now and slowly bring shit over it won’t be that bad.”