If It Isn't Love

by Dwayne S. Joseph

  “Want to tell me what happened?”

  Alex shook his head. “No. I don’t feel like reliving the drama.”

  Karen shook her head and then counted to five in her head. Before she reached four, Alex opened his mouth.

  “She went to Busch Gardens with some guy she’s known no longer than a fucking month! She even had the nerve to say that because she trusted her life in his hands, Miguel would be okay too. Baby, I could have strangled her when she said that. She’s lucky she wasn’t standing in front of me. For all she knows, this character could be a rapist or worse, a pedophile. Personally I don’t give a shit what happens to her, but that’s my son. I don’t want to take the chance that something could happen to him just because she wants to be an irresponsible trick. I want Miguel, and I will do whatever I have to do to get him.

  “I know we’ve talked about having a family of our own and I’m not trying to force motherhood on you, but I need my son. I need to know that he’ll be okay. I won’t be able to be at peace as long as Mariah has him.”

  Alex paused and stared at Karen, who’d remained silent during his explanation. He tried to read his wife, to get an idea of what she’d been thinking as she stared down at the floor. “Baby, I didn’t make this decision to upset you. I know I should have discussed this with you, but getting Miguel is just something that I have to do. If something ever happened to him, I don’t know what I’d do. I love my son, and I can’t shake the feeling that as long as he is with her, something bad will happen. I hope you understand what I’m saying.”

  He watched Karen intently. The last thing he wanted was to be at odds with her, but whether she was happy or not, Alex had made up his mind.

  “I’m pregnant, Alex,” Karen finally said softly.

  Alex’s head snapped back. “What ... did you say?”

  Karen lifted her head. “I’m pregnant. We’re having a baby.”

  Alex massaged the back of his neck. “Are you serious?”

  Karen nodded yes. Alex smiled and moved toward her, lifted her from the sofa, threw his arms around her, and kissed her on the forehead. Instinctively, Karen’s arms wrapped around his small waistline. When Alex finally let her go, he noticed that she’d been crying. He kissed her again. “What’s wrong, baby?”

  Karen sniffed and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. “You’re ... you’re okay with the news?”

  “Am I okay? Am I okay? Of course I am. How could I not be?”

  “After everything you just said, I was afraid that the last thing you would want would be another child.”

  Alex shook his head. “Baby, I love you. A baby! How many months are you?”

  “Three.”

  “A baby!” Alex dropped to his knee, lifted her T-shirt and kissed her belly. “A baby. Our baby.” He stood up and cradled her face in both of his hands. “Are you okay with me wanting Miguel?”

  Karen smiled as tears snaked from her eyes. “Of course I am. Honestly, it’s about time you go after custody.”

  “And you don’t feel like I’m forcing motherhood on you?”

  Karen smirked. “Hello. I’m pregnant. Motherhood is here, Miguel or no Miguel. So no, I don’t feel as though you’re forcing it on me. Besides, I love that little boy.”

  Alex kissed his wife again and stared into her eyes. “What did I do to get so lucky?”

  Karen smiled devilishly. “You are lucky, aren’t you,” she said, kissing his chin. Alex marveled again about the beauty that she possessed both inside and out. Kissing her softly on her lips, Alex took Karen by the hand and led her back to the bedroom to celebrate.

  12

  In the three years Bryce and Monica had been together, the longest they’d ever gone without speaking had been two days. The reason that happened had been because Monica had been away on a business trip and she hadn’t been able to get hold of Bryce because his cell phone had been stolen and the phone lines in his neighborhood had been down. At least those are the excuses Bryce had given Monica. The truth was, he had been with Nicole, taking advantage of the time away from Monica, not realizing that he would pay for it later by sitting at home stressing over the possibility of becoming a father.

  From the very beginning, Bryce and Monica promised each other that as long as they could prevent it, they would never let a day go by without speaking. They were a team and they both knew that a team’s success was dependent upon the open lines of communication. So they talked about little things, big things, and everything in between. Only once had Bryce ever allowed Nicole to come between that promise.

  Now it was happening again.

  Bryce exhaled as he sat in the living room of his two-bedroom condominium, listening to Alicia Keys’s song, “A Woman’s Worth.” The truth of his dilemma was being sung in her chorus: A real man knows a real woman.

  Bryce took a long swallow of the beer that he held in his hand. He inhaled and exhaled again. Five days had now gone by since he’d left Monica sitting stunned in her bathtub. Not one time had she tried to call him, which hadn’t surprised him because she never made the first move, especially if she wasn’t the one at fault. Bryce hadn’t tried to call her either, nor had he gone by her place to apologize or explain. He just couldn’t. He wasn’t ready to face her. He didn’t want to look in her chocolate brown eyes and tell her the truth; that while she was busy being a real woman, he had been doing his best to be anything but a real man. Had he been a man, he would never have taken Monica’s worth for granted.

  Pregnant.

  The word whispered through his mind again somewhere during the middle of Alicia Keys’s piano rift. He’d seen Nicole earlier in the week. He’d called her and met her for lunch. He wanted to see the signs, to see if she’d been telling the truth. The slight belly protruding through her shirt and the obvious weight gain had been proof enough. The meeting had been short and unpleasant.

  “You believe me now, Bryce?” Nicole had asked, as he stared at her silently.

  They were tucked away in the back against the far wall of Don Pablo’s. Nicole wanted to eat there because she had a craving for enchiladas. Bryce kept his back to the other diners. He’d tried to convince her to meet somewhere else because Don Pablo’s was one of Monica’s favorite lunch spots, but Nicole wasn’t having it.

  “How do you know this baby is mine, Nicole?” Bryce asked, trying to keep his voice low.

  “You calling me a ho, Bryce?”

  “Look Nicole, I know I wasn’t the only brother you were sleeping with.” Actually he didn’t, but that was what he had hoped.

  “Fuck you, Bryce!” Nicole snapped loud enough to cause an older woman in the table beside them to humph.

  “I already did and look where it got me,” Bryce answered back.

  Nicole curled her lips to reply, and out of nowhere her lips began to quiver and her eyes welled with tears. “Don’t you even care? I’m pregnant with your baby. Doesn’t that mean anything to you?”

  Bryce passed his hand through his hair and tried to ignore the stares coming from the people around him. Great, he thought. He’d picked the back for privacy, and Nicole’s tears weren’t helping. He grabbed a napkin and tried to hand it to her, but instead of taking it, she slapped his hand away.

  “You’re an ass, Bryce. You’re a typical poor excuse for a Black man and just like the rest of them, you’re afraid to handle your responsibility.” Nicole pushed herself away from the table. “You know something,” she said slinging her purse over her shoulder, “the only reason I never told my father about us after you used me the way you did was because at the time I loved you. Yes, I know you were with Monica and we were supposed to just be fuck buddies, but I was stupid. Stupid enough to think and hope by some miracle that you would see I was better for you. But you know what? I’m not stupid, I don’t love you, and I will be telling my father that I’m carrying your baby. He’ll be pissed, but at least I won’t have to worry about losing my job!” Nicole spat in Bryce’s face and stormed off, leaving him alone
, embarrassed, and wondering if she would indeed tell his boss.

  Bryce took another swallow of beer as his phone rang. He looked at the caller ID. It was Alex’s cell phone. He answered on the third ring. “What’s up, man?” he said trying to sound happier than he was.

  “What’s going on future brother-in-law? Why you sounding all solemn?”

  Bryce shook his head. He thought he’d masked his frustration well.

  “My bad, Alex. I’m just here chilling. What’s going on with you? Why do you sound like you won the lottery?”

  “Because I did!” Alex exclaimed.

  “What?”

  “Come on man. I’m surprised you didn’t call to congratulate me.”

  “Congratulate you? You really won the lottery? Because if you did, I’m cashing in on the fifty you owe me from the basketball game, plus an extra million in interest.”

  “I paid that back to you in drinks.”

  “All right, well I want half.”

  “Half? For what?”

  “For not telling Karen about how you love to twirl women around on the dance floor.”

  Alex laughed. “That’s cold, man.”

  Bryce laughed for the first time all day.

  “Anyway,” Alex continued. “I didn’t win the lottery, so you can just keep your mouth zipped.”

  “So what do I need to congratulate you for?”

  “You really don’t know?”

  “Wouldn’t ask if I did,” Bryce said.

  “I’m gonna be a dad, again. Karen’s pregnant!”

  At the mention of the word, Bryce’s mood instantly changed. “Really?” he asked.

  “Yeah, man. She’s almost three months. Damn, I’m surprised Monica didn’t break the news to you.”

  “It must have slipped her mind,” Bryce said.

  “Maybe. So, can a Puerto Rican brother get a congratulations or what?”

  “My bad, man ... congratulations,” he said, hoping he hadn’t sounded too unenthused.

  “Anyway, I’m calling because I want to celebrate. I figured the four of us could go to dinner. Matter of fact, let’s make it six. Call Nate and Felicia, and tell them to come too.”

  Bryce sighed. Any other time he’d have hopped off the phone, called Monica and then Nate, but he couldn’t do that now. “Man, I’d love to do that, but I don’t think that’s a good idea right now.”

  “Man, what is up with you?”

  “Nothing man. It’s just ...” He paused. He wanted to open up to Alex, but didn’t want to put his business out there. But then he figured Monica had probably already done that with Karen. “Man, Monica and I aren’t speaking right now.”

  “Now it’s my turn to say, ‘really?’ ” Alex said. “What’s up with you two lovebirds?”

  Bryce closed his eyes and slumped further down in the sofa. “Alex, I fucked up.”

  “Fucked up? What do you mean fucked up?”

  “Man, I was messing with this woman from work a while back and last week she called me and told me that she’s four months pregnant. She says it’s mine.”

  “Are you serious, dude? You’re not bullshitting me?”

  Bryce sighed. “I wish I was, man. Believe me, I really do. But that’s not all.”

  “There’s more?”

  “Yeah. The woman is my boss’s daughter. I met her for lunch today, and she’s talking about telling her father.”

  “Damn,” Alex whispered. “Why the hell would you fuck with your boss’s daughter?”

  “Man, in the beginning, I didn’t know. She uses her mother’s maiden name so that no one knows they’re father and daughter. By the time I found out, it was too late to stop.”

  “Damn,” Alex said again. “How did Monica find out?”

  “She didn’t ... yet.”

  “She didn’t? I’d just assumed that since you two haven’t spoken, it was because she found out.”

  “No, she hasn’t yet. But I may have to tell her. I’m confused right now. On one hand, I need to tell her. This isn’t exactly something I can keep a secret, you know.

  But on the other hand, I don’t want to tell her because I don’t know for sure if this baby is mine, and I don’t want to say anything if I don’t have to.”

  “I don’t know what to say, man.”

  “You don’t have to say anything,” Bryce said. “Because I’ve already said and thought everything. So have Nate and Felicia.”

  “You told them?”

  “Yeah. I went to get advice from Nate, and Felicia overheard.”

  “Damn. I know that wasn’t pretty.”

  “Not at all. She didn’t hesitate to lay into me, which only made me feel worse than I already did.”

  “Do you really feel bad?” Alex asked. “Or do you feel bad because the woman is pregnant?”

  “Alex, when I first started messing around with her, I’ll be honest; I didn’t really feel anything. I was just being a man and busting my nut on the side. But once I realized how much I loved Monica, I regretted ever having slipped up. I ended things with Nicole because I wanted Monica to be my every, and only thing, just like I was to her. I love her, man, and this shit is eating me up inside. That’s why we haven’t spoken. The last time we were together, we were naked in her tub and were supposed to be celebrating her landing a huge account.”

  “Yeah, I heard she got the Redskins deal. So what happened with the celebration?”

  “Nothing happened. I was so stressed over this shit, I couldn’t even perform.”

  “Damn, Bryce. That’s serious.”

  “Tell me about it. That shit has never happened to me before.”

  “What do Nate and Felicia think you should do?”

  “They both say I should tell Monica and let the chips fall where they may. But like I said, what if this kid isn’t mine? Do I really want to blow up my spot like that?”

  “But what if it is yours?” Alex countered. “If you don’t tell her and the baby is yours, then you will definitely lose her. If you tell her now, you may have a better chance at being forgiven.”

  “What if she never wants to see me again?”

  “Hey, that’s possible. Look, I know all about mistakes and their consequences. I deal with Mariah, remember?”

  “Yeah, but you never had another woman to lose.”

  “No I didn’t. But I have Mariah, and she’s worse than three women combined.”

  “All right. I’m gonna tell, Monica, man,” Bryce decided after a brief moment of silence. “I was a coward by stepping out on her. The least I can do is be a man now.”

  “That’s the right decision, man. Tough, but the right one to make.”

  “I swear I don’t want to lose her.”

  “I know you don’t. But the hard reality is that you may. That’ll be Monica’s decision to make though. Either way, man, I’m here for you. You’re my friend and hopefully, you’ll be my brother-in-law someday. I got your back.”

  “Thanks Alex. That means a lot.”

  “Hey, Karen just came in. I’m gonna jet before she gets up in our conversation. Good luck, man.”

  “Thanks. I’ll need it.”

  Bryce hung up the phone and downed the rest of his beer, which had gone warm. As he slipped on his sneakers and grabbed his keys, he wondered if Monica would realize his worth. He left to find out.

  13

  Monica sat alone in her living room and cried. She’d been doing that steadily for the past two days. She’d gone through a gamut of emotions since Bryce had walked out on her. At first she felt shock. She couldn’t believe he had up and left the way he did. On day two she experienced anger. Who the hell was he to leave with a tired excuse and not call to apologize, explain, or make things up to her? Day three had been the same as day two. By day four, the anger had been replaced by self-blame. What had she done to cause him to leave and not call her? Tears fell that day. Day five was like day four, only the torrent fell harder. Did Bryce still love her?

  That’s wha
t she wondered as she sat in darkness and silence. She wanted to call him, but her pride wouldn’t allow it. Like she’d told Karen, Bryce left. She hadn’t. But why did he leave? Why had he been so distant in the tub when they should have been so close? Could Karen be right? Could Bryce have been fooling around? Is that why he hadn’t called? Because he’d been out with some other woman?

  Tears fell harder down her cheeks. She didn’t want to believe that Bryce could be like the men she’d heard her girlfriends complain about, but for the first time, she had doubts about her man. She looked at her phone sitting on her end table and willed it to ring. Please call me, she thought to herself. But instead of a ringing telephone, the doorbell chimed. Monica hurried to wipe her tears away. She wasn’t expecting company and she knew not to hope that it would be Bryce. But she did. And when she checked through the peephole and saw him standing outside, she didn’t move. It was almost hard to believe that he was actually there, as if it weren’t him, but a mere figment of her imagination conjured up by her desire. She pinched herself. She wasn’t dreaming. She wiped her eyes again, but knew that was of no use because her puffy eyes would be a dead giveaway.

  She opened the door.

  Neither one of them spoke. They just stared at each other.

  “Hey,” Bryce finally said.

  Monica didn’t respond.

  “Mind if I come in?” Bryce asked.

  Monica turned and walked away, leaving the door open. Bryce’s shoulders slumped. He stepped inside, closed the door, and walked to the living room where Monica had turned on the light and was sitting on the sofa.

  Bryce sat down in the loveseat facing her. “How have you been?”

  “Fine. Just fine,” Monica said laced with sarcasm. After all of the crying, her anger was beginning to resurface.