If It Isn't Love

by Dwayne S. Joseph

  Alex gritted his teeth. “The driver ... was he drunk too?”

  “Yes he was.”

  “Where is he?”

  “Unfortunately his injuries were too extensive, and we were not able to help him.”

  Alex nodded his head slowly. “You said it was a head-on collision. How are the passengers from the other vehicle?”

  “Miraculously, the family of five suffered only a minimal amount of damage. Their car was injured more than they were.”

  “That’s good to know,” Alex said softly.

  “Alex, I understand that you are upset right now, and rightfully so. But I do have to ask for the sake of Miguel and all of the other patients here, that you wait to deal with this matter.”

  Alex dragged his hand down over his face, nodded and thanked Dr. Gordon then turned to walk away.

  But before he could, Dr. Gordon said, “I hope you don’t mind me being so frank with you, but I’m divorced and have two sons. They’re five and seven. I fought their mother for custody because my ex had her own idea of what responsibility was all about. We obviously disagreed. Now I know it’s not in my place to judge someone, and forgive me if I’m out of line, but what I see in Ms. Ortiz is what I saw in my ex. Miguel was lucky, Alex. He’s in room number five.” Dr. Gordon walked away without saying another word.

  Alex turned and went to see his son. Without acknowledging Mariah, he walked past her and slipped into the room where Miguel lay sleeping peacefully. He approached Miguel and lightly touched his forehead. “My son,” he whispered as tears welled in the corners of his eyes. He looked at Miguel’s casted arm and shook his head. He tried to ignore the “what ifs” that plagued his mind.

  What if Miguel had been hurt worse?

  What if he’d been the one whose life had been taken?

  What if he had never been with Mariah?

  Alex shook his head. He didn’t want to think about that. He leaned forward and gently kissed his son’s forehead and then turned around as he felt a chill come over him. Mariah was standing in the doorway, watching him silently. Guilt was spread across her face.

  Alex stared at her, but didn’t say a word as he opened and closed his fists. He’d planned on respecting Dr. Gordon’s wishes that he avoid talking to her there, but as they exchanged glares, he found himself struggling to do so. Everything the doctor had told him about the accident and the cause, caused Alex’s head to throb. He looked to his son again.

  What if?

  Then he moved to her, grabbed her by her arm tightly, and pulled her out into the hallway. His voice was taut and low when he spoke. “What the fuck happened, Mariah?”

  Mariah didn’t answer him fast enough for his liking. “Mariah, Miguel could have been fucking killed! How could you put him in a car with a drunk driver?”

  “Alex ... I’m ... I’m sorry.”

  “Sorry? Please Mariah, spare me the fucking apologies. What the hell are you doing taking Miguel out with you drinking anyway?”

  “We were just at a friend’s house having a good time. It was late. Miguel wanted to go home. This was all his fault. If he would just have listened to me and gone to sleep on the couch like I told him, this wouldn’t have happened.”

  “How the hell could you blame your own son for your own irresponsibility?”

  “Because it’s true. This was his fault. It’s always been his fault. And yours! My whole life changed because of you two.”

  Alex opened his mouth to respond but changed his mind, because he realized that nothing he’d say would make a difference. Mariah would always resent Miguel and would never love him the way a child deserved to be loved.

  As he stared down at her, he felt nothing but pity. Not only was she missing out on the miracle and joy of motherhood, but the importance of how much she could mold and shape a life never registered with her as well.

  “Go home, Mariah,” he finally said. “Go home and look at all of Miguel’s things. Sit and look at all of the pictures you have of him. Look at the toys scattered around, go through his drawers and look at his clothes. Go home and memorize it all. Take mental pictures, because after tonight, you won’t be seeing them anymore. Miguel is coming home with me.”

  “I’m not letting you take him, Alex!”

  “Why, Mariah? To spite me?”

  “Yes! I hate your ass!”

  Alex folded his arms and shook his head. “You’re really pathetic. It’s so sad. Instead of realizing what a gift he is, you see him as a burden. And you have the nerve to try and hurt me by keeping him from me. Get out of here, Mariah. Leave and go do what I said, because Miguel is leaving this hospital with me. That’s for damn sure.”

  “I will not let you and that bitch have him!”

  No longer able to keep his cool, Alex grabbed Mariah by her shoulders and shook her. “I’ve had it with you and your shit. I’m not dealing with it anymore.”

  “Let go of me, puto!”

  “You could have killed my son, you ignorant bitch!

  You’re lucky that a broken arm is all he got.” He tightened his grip and closed his eyes a fraction. For the first time in a very long time he was on the verge of losing control. Not since his days in high school had that happened.

  “Let go of me, Alex. Get your fucking hands off of me!”

  “Yeah, let her go,” a voice said from behind them.

  Alex turned around to see her friend staring at him like he was about to put a hurting on Alex. Alex sized up his thin frame.

  “Shut the fuck up and stay out of business that doesn’t concern you!” Alex yelled.

  “She is my business,” the friend countered.

  Alex locked eyes with him for a few seconds. Then he turned back to Mariah. He smiled at her and then without warning, let her go, spun and hit her friend with a right cross under his eye that sent him reeling to the ground.

  “Sergio!” Mariah screamed rushing to his side.

  “So you’re Sergio,” Alex said standing over them, his fists balled and itching to strike again. “Heed my warning, Sergio ... stay the fuck away from my son. If I find out that he’s anywhere near you, trust me, I will do a hell of a lot more than blacken your eye.”

  As Sergio’s left eye bruised-up, Alex stepped past them and rubbed his knuckles. In one swing, he’d released all of the anger, frustration, and animosity he had pent up and hit Sergio the way he never could or would hit Mariah.

  With his back to them he said, “Go home and do what I said, Mariah.” No more words needed, he walked back to Miguel’s room, closed the door, and grabbed a chair to sit at his son’s bedside.

  In the hallway, no one bothered to help Mariah with Sergio. Nurses and doctors alike stood by, and had witnessed the whole event. Word of the accident and Mariah’s disregard for her son’s life had gotten around on the floor. Truth is, after seeing one too many children who weren’t as lucky as Miguel, Alex’s punch had been just what the doctor ordered.

  When Mariah finally helped get Sergio to his feet, two uniformed police officers approached her. They too had seen the entire incident.

  “Ms. Ortiz ... I’m Officer Smith, this is my partner, Officer Krebs. We’d like to ask you a few questions regarding the accident.”

  Mariah looked at Smith, a burly black man, and Krebs, a stocky black woman with hard eyes and bowed her head. As Sergio moaned in pain, Officer Smith said, “Before we begin, we’d like both you and Mr. Tavares here to take this breathalyzer test.”

  Days after the incident at the hospital, Mariah had been charged with recklessly endangering the welfare of a child, and had temporarily lost custody of Miguel to Alex, while social services conducted an investigation regarding the environment Miguel was subjected to.

  Alex was relieved to have his son away from Mariah, and thanked God that a broken arm was the only damage Miguel had suffered. He also thanked God for Karen, as she didn’t hesitate to step in and provided love and affection that Miguel needed. Alex was worried at first about what Miguel’s m
ood would have been since being taken away from Mariah. But to his pleasant surprise, instead of brooding, Miguel actually seemed happier. It was then that Alex realized his son had been wearing a mask for far too long. He couldn’t help but feel guilty for not fighting for his son sooner.

  He’d told Karen all about what went down in the hospital with Sergio and vented about how Mariah blamed Miguel for the accident. Of course, Karen wasn’t surprised by Mariah’s unwillingness to assume responsibility. She’d come to expect that from her. Social Services came by Alex and Karen’s home to interview them and check their living conditions. Alex was more than happy to accommodate them. He had no doubt in his mind that he would now be able to get full custody for Miguel, and he had Mariah to thank for that. He would file the papers after they came back from North Carolina, a trip that would be coming up in a few days. He’d already arranged to have Miguel stay at his parents’ for the weekend. Karen wanted to take him, but after the joyride he had, Alex wanted his son on house and bed rest for a few days. Yeah, he was being a little over protective, but so what. He promised he would take him on the next trip.

  19

  Karen guided her Lexus down the highway while Monica sat beside her staring up at the blue sky and white clouds through the tinted glass. Alex and Bryce followed behind them in Alex’s Lincoln Navigator. Monica hadn’t said a word to Bryce since her phone call to him. He’d tried to speak to her before they’d left for North Carolina, but Monica wasn’t having it. She didn’t want to hear his apologies or excuses. She would speak to him only when she had to at her parents’ house and no other time, and even that she would try to avoid.

  Thankfully, because her parents were old-fashioned, she wouldn’t have to worry about sharing a room with him. They weren’t married, so sleeping together was out of the question. Monica couldn’t believe how much her life had changed in a little over two weeks.

  If anyone would have told her that Bryce would turn out to be a typical man, and that she would be angry, depressed, and brokenhearted, she would never have believed it, because of the way she and Bryce fit. Together, their differences seemed to make them one complete person. After dealing with the immature, selfish, self-centered, and downright shameful attitudes of her previous relationships, Bryce had been a soothing breath of fresh air. Months after meeting him, Monica found herself drowning in the love, affection, and assurance that he provided. He was the man she wanted to marry. He was the light that she always wanted to look for to guide her when her days were dark. Now, to her dismay, that light had faded and she was painfully alone.

  Monica felt her eyes watering again. She squeezed them tightly, determined not to shed any more tears. She looked at her sister, who was off in her own little world, wondering what to expect when she walked into her parents’ home with Alex.

  “You know,” Monica said softly, “I honestly never thought I would be going back to North Carolina until one of them died. I know that sounds terrible, because they aren’t terrible people.”

  “I understand what you mean,” Karen said. “Mama and the minister really did provide for and take care of us.”

  Monica nodded. “I just never knew how to look past the decisions they’d made. You know I never really took the time to consider Mama’s feelings regarding her marriage until Bryce cheated. I felt like I was married to him, like I’d promised ’til death do us part. But I didn’t. And Mama did. And now I understand why it was never easy to just walk away from the minister, because as sad as it may seem, I’m wondering myself, if I can walk away from Bryce.”

  “Well, I can’t tell you what to do, but I can’t say that I share your revelation. You’re right that they promised ’til death did they part, but in those same vows they also promised love, honor, and respect. Infidelity is wrong and a sin in the very same Bible that Daddy totes around and lives by. Infidelity is what Mama allowed.

  “Girl, I recited the same vows, but believe me, I can walk away. Now, like I said, in no way am I telling you what to do. That’s just me. But whatever you decide, after you take the necessary time, I will support you.”

  “Thanks Karen. I know you’ve been holding back your tongue—”

  “Still am,” Karen interjected quickly.

  Monica smiled. “I appreciate it.”

  “Hey, you’re a big girl. You have to do what makes you happy, despite what other people may feel. Just make sure you stand by whatever decision you make.”

  “I will. I just wish it wasn’t so damn hard. He hurt me, Karen.”

  “I know he did, girl.”

  “I don’t know if I can forgive and forget.”

  “Girl, the last thing you want to do is forget. Whether you stay with Bryce or not, you always want to remember this. Regardless of who you’re with, keep it locked away in the back of your mind and use it to help keep your guard up. As far as forgiving goes, well, that depends on how strong you are and how much you love him.”

  “Could you forgive Alex?”

  Karen thought for a minute as she switched lanes. “Girl, I love my husband. But I’m not a very strong person. I don’t know what I would do. I hope I never have to find out.”

  Monica nodded at her sister’s honesty and wondered about her own strength. She’d called her mother weak and a fool for ever staying in her marriage, but now that Bryce had betrayed her, she began to understand why her mother never left or demanded that her father leave. She loved him and vowed her life to him before God, and without having been married herself, Monica had done the very same thing with Bryce. She’d committed herself to him because she loved and cherished him, and in her eyes he was her husband. Now she found herself wondering if she could believe in that vow without having promised God that she would. Monica looked to the sky again, wishing that she could find the answer amongst the variegated clouds.

  20

  Sitting silently in the passenger seat, Bryce was doing his own soul searching. He had hoped to get a few minutes alone with Monica before they’d left, but it had been impossible to scale the mountain she had placed between them. With her eyes and her body language, Monica had made it very clear that his attempts would be near futile.

  “Alex, you think Monica will forgive me and give me another chance?”

  Alex hummed a few notes of Marc Anthony’s cover of Hector Lavoe’s classic, “El Cantante,” and then lowered the radio. Keeping his eyes focused on the road, he said, “I don’t know man. If I go by the venom she spits when she comes over, then I’d have to tell you ‘Hell no!’ But she’s hurting, so she’s supposed to call you every ugly name in the book. You just have to give it time, man. Let things die down. Let that anger inside of her fade ... maybe then she’ll be willing to give you a chance to apologize without turning a deaf ear. I wish I could give you a better answer man, but that’s all I got.”

  Bryce clenched his jaws. “Yeah, I know it’s hard to tell. Man, she wouldn’t even spare a second for me to talk to her face-to-face before we left your place. I swear I could practically feel the heat coming from her. I just don’t see why she can’t even give me a chance to try and explain things to her. I mean, at least let me apologize.”

  “Well honestly Bryce, what did you expect? She’s a woman scorned right now. Just be glad that all she’s doing is ignoring your ass, because I know plenty of psycho women who would have keyed your car, smashed your windows, spray painted nasty messages on your front door for all the world to see, and tried to kick your balls in and cut your dick off. Believe me, there are a lot of guys who would love to trade places with you.”

  Although it wasn’t funny, Bryce laughed. He knew a lot of guys too.

  “Man, I love Monica. She’s the one for me.”

  “Then why did you cheat on her?”

  Bryce sat quiet for a moment, trying to figure out the answer. It wasn’t as though Monica had been neglecting him. She wasn’t selfish or frigid, she didn’t drive him to drink, and she had never been overly jealous like some women. In reality, Monica
was everything that he could have hoped for.

  “I was a fool,” he said in simple honesty. “But I realize my mistake. I want her back. Damn it, man, I need her.”

  “I hear you, and I believe you, but unfortunately for you, I’m not the person you need to convince.”

  Bryce sighed. “I hope this weekend ends better than it’s started. I don’t know what it’s going to be like at her parents’ house, because Monica hasn’t told them a thing.”

  “That’ll be interesting.”

  “Yeah. I’m going to try my hardest to get her to listen to me.”

  “If you get the chance, you mean.”

  “Yeah, if she gives me the chance.”

  “You know that’s not gonna be easy, right?”

  “Yeah, I know. She’s going to try and avoid being alone with me at all costs. But I have to make it happen somehow. This weekend is it.”

  “Do or die,” Alex added.

  “Sink or swim,” Bryce completed.

  “Well, I hope things work out for you. I’d hate to see you two officially break up. That’ll be some awkward shit, because you’re my boy and she’s my sister-in-law. I don’t even want to imagine what get-togethers would be like. Tension, man.”

  Bryce nodded. He didn’t want to imagine it either.

  “Speaking of tension,” Bryce said. “I’m glad to see things may finally be working out for you with Miguel. I know dealing with Mariah hasn’t been easy.”

  Alex smiled. “Thanks, man. It feels good having my son with me full-time. I never should have let her have him.”

  “Well you have him now. That’s what counts. You’re gonna file for custody, right?”

  “As soon as I get back home. I can’t wait to see my boy. I miss him already. I kind of regret not bringing him.”

  “Yeah, well he could use the rest anyway. You guys break the news about the baby yet?”

  “Not yet. We decided to tell him when we get back.”