Keep Me (Beggar's Choice #3)

by Lily Morton

  I skip down the stairs following the scent of coffee like a bloodhound and I hear the mumble of voices as I get closer. As normal I can’t make out the details but the timbre of voices tell me that there’s two people, and as I enter the room they both turn away from the breakfast bar which is strewn with papers to face me. Bram smiles crookedly at me and I beam back at him making him blink slightly. I turn to the other man and it’s my turn to blink because he’s absolutely gorgeous – tall and leanly muscled with shaggy blonde hair and warm brown eyes.

  Bram clears his throat pointedly and I become aware that I’m still staring at the man. Looking enquiringly at Bram I’m amazed to see a scowl on his pretty face, and I start when he lopes over to me and grabbing me familiarly around the waist he pulls me to face him. For a second we stare at each other and I try valiantly not to focus on his lip ring which he’s worrying at with his tongue, but then I gasp in indignation as he takes my jacket, pulls it onto me and then starts firmly buttoning it up.

  “What the fuck are you doing?” I gasp, grabbing hold of his fingers only to stare open mouthed as he slaps my fingers away lightly.

  “No need to waste these on Matt, Alys,” he says, nodding his head at my breasts and then gesturing to the other man who is now staring at him curiously.

  “What the fuck?” I gape.

  “Yep, that’s Matt and you need to cover these up because they’re wasted on him seeing as he’s more of a one for cock if you know what I mean.”

  I stare at him in disbelief as Matt chokes out a laugh. “It would be hard to find someone who could possibly misinterpret that Bram,” I finally settle for saying faintly.

  Matt sighs and rubs his eyes. “You suck at fucking intros Bram. You totally suck.”

  Bram fastens the last button on my jacket under my neck and then fastens the small press stud with a happy sigh. “Dude I’m awesome. You both love me and you’re both heavily in denial about it.”

  “Mate the only thing that I’m in denial about is just how much psychiatric care you need,” Matt mutters and then comes forward to shake my hand as I quickly remove the jacket. “I’m Matt,” he smiles, showing beautiful white teeth. “You’re Alys and I’ve heard a lot about you already from Bram.” He’s obviously heard that I’m deaf because he’s facing me and talking clearly but I can’t concentrate on that at the moment.

  “You’re so pretty,” I say in disbelief and Bram gives an annoyed chuff.

  “You talk about my filter Alys. I think you might be lacking one too. Matt is not a sexual object.” Matt looks like he might like to demur but settles for giving Bram a very focused look which he ignores, instead waggling a cup at me. “Coffee?”

  “Oh yes please.” I settle down gratefully on the bar stool and look at the piles of papers and the massive diary with papers bulging out of its sides. “Am I interrupting you both?”

  Matt smiles kindly and shoves them to one side. “Not at all. We were just sorting out Bram’s schedule and dealing with the latest of his diva demands.”

  “Mate I just asked for only blue smarties. How fucking diva is that?” Bram says indignantly but Matt waves him off mouthing ‘diva’ at his back.

  I laugh and wave my hand at the mess. “Are you …?”

  “Yes,” he says. “I am Bram’s assistant for my sins.”

  “Oh dear, poor you,” I commiserate and he laughs, pushing his wavy hair back off his forehead.

  “I know. Can you see my wrinkles?”

  “No wrinkles. You have a very manly forehead,” I sigh theatrically and we laugh out loud. I like him immensely and I’ve already got that feeling that you get with some people where you instantly know that they’re going to be important to you.

  Bram huffs crossly as he sets my cup down in front of me, passes me the cream from the fridge and shoves the sugar bowl at me. I smile my thank you at him but then I’m distracted by the look of utter amazement that Matt is giving Bram.

  “What?” Bram asks defensively. “What have I done?” It’s obvious that this is a well-worn phrase by the way.

  Matt shakes his head. “You know how she takes her coffee.”

  “So?”

  “It’s just that I’ve known you since I was thirteen Bram and we’ve been best friends all that time and you still can’t remember the most basic details about me.”

  “I can.”

  “Really? Was it you serving me prawn fried rice the other night when I’m allergic to shellfish?”

  “That was a fucking accident,” Bram says indignantly. “Anyway I can’t keep up with your faddy eating habits.”

  Matt laughs loudly. “Faddy! I’m fucking allergic to shellfish. It’s not a lifestyle choice you twat.”

  Bram waves his fingers at him dismissively. “Jog on kitty and take your prawns with you.”

  They both laugh out loud and I watch them fascinated as they dive back into the paperwork as it’s obviously a very established friendship. They both obviously love each other a lot and finish each other’s sentences and understand the cryptic comments thrown around.

  I eat some cereal watching them and make a mental note to buy some food so that I’m not scrounging off Bram. The sound of my spoon hitting the bowl interrupts them in a very lengthy conversation about haircuts, bass guitar strings and a record company party. I’m surprised that I’ve managed to follow it at all but when they look at me I seize my chance. “I’ll buy some food today,” I say cheerily. “And you’ll have to let me look at some of the bills so that I can give you some money for the gas and electricity.”

  “Give me money?” Bram is staring at me open mouthed and Matt reaches over and gently closes it for him. “Why would you be giving me money?”

  “For bills,” I say patiently.

  “Why the fuck would I need your money to pay the bills babe?”

  The incredulity in his voice angers me. “I might not have much Bram but I’m perfectly capable of paying my way.”

  “No fuck off.”

  “Pardon?”

  “I know you’re perfectly capable of it but I. Am. Not. Having. It. So put your fucking purse away.”

  We’re both standing up in our agitation and Matt clears his throat looking at Bram curiously as if he’s never seen him before. “I think Bram is trying to tell you that he thanks you for your kind offer Alys but he’s going to have to refuse you because you are a guest in his house and the Irish take that seriously. And Bram, Alys is trying to kindly offer you money because she doesn’t wish to be seen to be imposing on your hospitality.”

  Bram’s face slowly loses its anger. “Have you swallowed a dictionary,” he asks slowly and Matt laughs.

  “What’s got into you this morning mate? Alys is just trying to help. This isn’t you - you never get cross.”

  Bram rubs his fingers along his beard and flashing me a look he says something to me as he turns away and wanders over to the window. I flush, suddenly mortified. I can’t hear him and I know he’s still talking but it’s a faceless mutter. Matt catches my eye and says Bram urgently. Bram turns and catches my expression.

  “What did I do?” he asks coming back and running a hand gently down my hair.

  Taken aback by the gesture I hesitate and then give in. “My hearing’s bad today so I can’t hear you properly when you turn your back on me.” I’m so mortified and suddenly I fucking hate this disability so fucking much. I hate that I can’t even have a disagreement with someone without having to ask them to face me. Sometimes it seems to make everything I do so artificial. I’m drawn back by Bram stroking my hair more forcibly until I look at him.

  “I’m sorry,” he says clearly. “I didn’t think.”

  “No, I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have to think of it.”

  “Why?” It’s the utter incredulity in his face which stumps me.

  “Why, what?”

  “Why shouldn’t I have to think of it?”

  “Well you’re in your own home and you’re having to make allowances becaus
e of me.”

  “Not because of you. For you.”

  “What?”

  “That’s what mates do babe. We do things for each other. You can’t hear properly sweets. It’s a fact so we just deal with it. No use getting embarrassed about it with me.” He suddenly looks a bit hurt. “I can’t believe that you actually thought that I’d be put out by it.”

  “I’m sorry,” I say instantly, grabbing his hand to stop its absent minded caressing of my hair. I’m amazed by his casualness over the whole thing and it’s almost like that breath of cool air that you get when you leave a hot house. It refreshes me and bolsters me in some strange way, and watching him I think that he knows it because he relaxes.

  “So, no turning my back on you. Anything else we should know?” He gestures between himself and Matt as if they’re a team and I smile slightly and then brace myself.

  “Noisy backgrounds make it difficult to pinpoint one voice, it just all blurs into one noise.” They nod encouragingly. “I sometimes can’t locate where a sound will come from and I can’t hear when someone mumbles, but equally don’t shout at me.”

  “Why? Does it hurt your ears?” Bram asks anxiously.

  “No, no,” I soothe and I see Matt staring at him again. “It just makes it incomprehensible, plus it’s bloody rude.”

  He snorts. “Okay.”

  I’m gathering strength now. “Don’t talk down to me. I’m deaf not stupid. Sometimes I’ll mispronounce new words. Don’t laugh at me.”

  “Who the fuck …?” Bram begins but I shake my head and he subsides to Matt’s not hidden amusement.

  “I can’t lip read properly when a man has a beard. I sing out of tune and when I’m tired my hearing gets worse because my concentration lapses and then I get headaches. However, my hearing in my other ear is very good and probably better than one of yours, and I can hear my own voice so my tone hasn’t suffered.”

  I falter to a stop and Bram looks thoughtful. “Beards eh? I’d never have thought of that.” He shakes off whatever thought he’s had like a dog shaking off water and then smirks. “Out of tune singing is nothing new anyway, you should hear Matt.”

  “Fuck off!” Matt says but he’s interrupted by a phone ringing. Bram saunters over to it.

  “Hi. Yes that’s brilliant mate. Five minutes okay?” He hangs up and walks over holding out my jacket.

  “What?” I ask letting him help me into it and pull my hair out of the collar for me.

  “That’s your driver. He’s waiting downstairs at the front.”

  “My what?”

  “Your driver.” He shrugs as if he’s not just dropped a bombshell.

  I sigh. “Bram what have you done?” I ask as I rub my forehead.

  Matt laughs. “That expression there. You should get used to that because you’ll wear it all the time living with this one.”

  “Hey!” Bram says indignantly.

  “What? It’s the truth. I think that scientists have officially named that cluster of wrinkles as The Bram O’Connell Area.”

  Bram sticks one finger up at him and then turns back holding his hand up. “This isn’t negotiable babe. Henry’s going to drop you off at university and pick you up when you’re done.” He thrusts a piece of paper that Matt passes to him into my hand. “That’s his number. Ring him when you’re ready. No, no,” he puts his hand up again. “No argument. It’s happening.”

  “Bram you can’t. It’s too much.”

  “No, too much would be me taking you to and fro and let’s face it Henry is a lot less pretty than me. His face won’t cause riots on the campus.”

  “I can walk and take the bus.”

  “No,” he says loudly and firmly. “No, no, no. I want to know you’re safe and not having a panic attack somewhere.”

  “That makes me sound so pathetic,” I protest and he looks angry.

  “You’re not pathetic. You’re as fucking far from that as anyone I’ve ever met. You’re a brave girl who suffers from a condition that can’t stand small spaces. Which means that you can’t cope with the underground. Deal with it and move on. The bus is too far for you to walk back later when it’s dark. Therefore the only option is a driver. I have more money than most people I know. This is like me paying your bus fare. I’d do that Alys and I’ll happily do more because I like you and I think that we’re going to be good friends.”

  I swallow hard and he takes my silence as the opportunity to push me gently towards the front door.

  “We’ll talk about this later,” I say firmly.

  “Henry’s waiting,” he says merrily. “If it pleases your embarrassed studenty little soul have him drop you a few yards from the campus.”

  I go to say something but I’m struck dumb when he pushes me through the door, hands me my bag over which he exclaims in disgust. “You’re welcome,” he shouts happily and slams the door in my face.

  Bram

  I slam the door smiling which falters slightly when I see Matt leaning against the kitchen door giving me that x-ray stare of his. ”What?” I ask defensively because let’s face it it’s my default return when I see that look. However, he just shrugs and wanders back into the kitchen. “Oh no don’t shrug,” I call. “You can’t look at me like that and then walk away.”

  He laughs. “Bram you’re so fucking needy. Always wanting to know what I’m thinking and feeling. It’s like having a very cloying wife.”

  “Fuck off. I’d be an amazing wife.”

  He blinks slightly. “Mate that thought is so disturbing my brain is squirming trying to get rid of it.”

  I laugh and then look hard at him. “What do you think of her?”

  He stares at me over his coffee cup. “I like her Bram. She’s quality.”

  I relax because Matt’s really astute and a great judge of character. If he likes her and Sid does then I know that I’m right. They’re like the voices of my conscience. Well, Matt is. Sid not so much nowadays, but I dismiss that thought instantly because it hurts too much to think about him at the moment.

  “And beautiful,” he adds knowingly, giving me that stare again.

  I wriggle slightly because she totally is and I’ve got no right to be looking. I settle for shrugging. “If you say so.”

  He laughs. “I may be gay Bram but I’ve still got eyes. How the fuck are you going to keep your hands off her?”

  I slump slightly. “I don’t know,” I mutter. “But I’m going to.”

  “You seem to like her though. I mean all these arrangements for her and you gave a whole day up for her with no hope of a blowjob in return. Ah, my boy is growing up.”

  I flick his arm hard making him say ouch and then I shrug. “I just like her mate. You know me I tend to make up my mind quickly and run with it. “

  “Yes, but usually it’s less you being the clear thinker that you’re obviously trying to portray here, and more due to total pig headedness.”

  “I don’t know why I like her. It was instant.” I hesitate. “She reminds me a bit of Sid though when we first met him at school don’t you think?”

  He looks arrested and then nods. “Yeah you’re right. She’s got that slightly damaged charm about her. You’ve always been a sucker for that.”

  “I have not.”

  “Have too.” We grin at each other and then he sobers, rubbing his finger meditatively along the worktop. “Maybe that’s a good omen then mate because let’s face it Sid’s always had your total loyalty despite everything that’s happened. If she’s like him to you then she can’t go wrong.”

  Silence falls as we acknowledge what the word ‘everything’ encompasses and then I smile and shrug. “She’s a good girl Matty and she’s been through some shit. Fuck, she’s dealing with something regularly that would derail most of us, and she does it with a smile on her face and doesn’t feel sorry for herself. I like that in a person and so I want to help her.”

  “Is that it?”

  The word no comes into my head immediately because it isn
’t. She’s so beautiful I have a hard time keeping my hands off her, and earlier I’d not liked Matt looking at her which is totally ridiculous because she lacks the vital equipment to interest him. I shake the feelings off like water on my skin. “Yeah that’s it.” Despite shooting me a keen glance he lets it go and we plunge back into the diary.

  Alys

  Henry proves to be an older, grey haired man but after I’ve plonked myself in the front seat with him and he’s had to talk to me in the endless traffic jams that London is famous for, he shows a softer side and a sweet smile. He has three daughters and five grandchildren and an understandably paternal air so I relax with him and by the time that we pull up a few yards away from the university we are firm friends. Thanking him and promising to ring him when I finish, I walk briskly towards the red brick building that will be the centre for my studies for the next three years.

  I’ve wanted to be a nurse for as long as I can remember. Years spent in and out of hospital have given me an immense respect for the profession, and I’d known fairly early on that I wanted to be a children’s nurse. This was the reason for my coming to England, and the South Bank University in particular. Nurses spend time both at university and out on placements in teaching hospitals, and LSBU is the only university that sends its nurses on placements to the world-renowned Great Ormond Street Hospital for Children.

  I stop in front of the building and breathe in deeply trying to quell the sudden butterflies in my stomach. There’s a palpable air of excitement about and I notice uneasily that all the people going into the building seem a lot younger than me. They’re fresh faced and look almost shiny, like life hasn’t tarnished them in the same way that it has me, and I wonder if I’ll stand out like a telephone box in the desert.