by Lily Morton
“What was his reaction?”
He smiles looking back over the distance of time. “He was fucking awesome. Asked me loads of very inappropriate questions and then asked if I wanted to go and play football.”
I laugh as he rolls his eyes. “Sounds like him.”
“Yeah but it was just what I needed and the canny bastard knew it. He’s always been in my corner and he levelled hell at anyone that took the piss out of me. He’s one of the main reasons that life at school carried on as normal once I came out. They knew they’d have to deal with him and Charlie and Sid if they said anything.” He laughs. “And Mabe and Viv, and fuck, Viv’s scarier than all of them.”
“Have you known them all since you were kids?”
“Yeah. I met Sid, Charlie and the girls when we were at primary school but I’ve always been closest to Bram and Sid. Bram I met when he was sent to live with his aunt and uncle from Ireland when he was thirteen.”
I’m startled. “That’s young.”
“Yeah Mrs O’Connell sent him over for some discipline. He was running wild with a very bad crowd and as his dad died when he was five she felt that she couldn’t help him and that he needed a man’s influence.”
“Did it work?”
He laughs but it’s slightly sad. “I suppose you could say it did in a way. Bram straightened out to a large degree because his uncle was a fucking hard man and you didn’t mess with him. But I think it was discovering music and us all as friends that straightened him out more. It’s just that there’s always been something about Bram that tugs your heartstrings a bit. He was always so eager to please like he was convinced that he had to make everyone like him or he’d be sent on to the next home. I know his mum did it for the best and she loves the heart of him, but I think that what she did made it difficult for him to trust in anyone’s love.” He smiles at me. “I’m not playing a violin for him because he’s a fucking mega rich rock star who has every whim catered for, but he’s always been a bit of a Lost Boy.”
I stare at him for a second because he’s spot on. That slightly diffident air that Bram has coupled with his easy going smile and instant ready humour and the way that he always plays peacemaker. It makes perfect sense now and a lot of things that I’ve incoherently sensed about him were right. He is a Lost Boy because since he was a child he’s had to please people in order to stay. I clear my throat which is slightly tight. “So things at your home were bad then?”
He shrugs taking a long drink of his wine, and then lies down pulling my feet onto his lap and massaging them almost making my eyes cross because he’s that good. “They were bad but once I’d found the others it didn’t matter so much, and we all found a home at Charlie and Sid’s house. Their mum was the best.”
“Was?”
He looks sad. “Yeah she died of breast cancer a few years ago. She lived long enough to see the band make it. She was so proud of all of them. We were all devastated because although she was a single parent with two lively boys she still found room for all of us. You knew if you were round there she’d greet you with a hug and she always had time for everyone like we were all one big family and she was our mum. Jen was the best.”
“Charlie and Sid must have been devastated.”
He stares at the fireplace, his fingers still working my feet. “They were. If I’m being honest I think it was about that time that Sid really went off the rails. I mean he’d always taken drugs in some form. He was always more curious about them than the rest of us. But after Jen died it was less of a hobby and more of a habit. Leah came along at the same time and I think that she gave him something to fill the gap that losing someone who loved him had left.”
“How much trouble is he in?” I ask tentatively. This is a very tricky subject and I’m very aware that none of the press have latched onto it yet so I won’t be surprised if he doesn’t answer me, but he surprises me by being honest.
“He’s in a lot of trouble I think.” His face twists like a little boy and for the first time I see Matt lose his cool. “He’s so far in now that I don’t know if he’ll get out as long as he’s with her.” He spits out the word. “He’ll never get better because she’ll drag him down with her. She’s far more into it than him. He shouldn’t be with someone like that.” He looks at me. “She’s shooting the shit now. I caught her tonight and it looked like heroin. If she’s into that then Sid won’t be far behind. At the moment I think he’s only on coke and maybe speed and stuff. If he gets on heroin with his temperament that’ll be the end of him. I’ve seen it before.”
His face twists as if at some terrible memory and I rearrange myself to lie along him and hug him. For a second he seems surprised but then he lets out a shuddery sigh and grips me tight, pushing his face into my neck.
“Matty,” I say softly. “Who was it?”
“My first boyfriend,” he finally says. “Ben. I met him when I was 18 and I was totally in love with him. It was the first time that the way I was felt absolutely right, like I was who I was supposed to be and that upsetting my family was the only thing I could do.” I let him hide his face, stroking his hair and glad prosaically that he’s on my right side where I can hear fine. “Only trouble was that Ben was a bad boy. He was attracted to trouble like a fucking magnet and when he got in with this crowd that surrounded the band that was the beginning of the end. He started off with dope but he moved onto the hard stuff really quickly and it took him under.”
He raises his head and gives me a twisted smile. “I tried so hard to stop him Alys but nothing I said made any difference. He was a different person by then, not the boy I’d known who I was his first. He slept around and stole from me. Bram fucking hated him but I kept trying and then I stopped.”
“What happened?”
“We had an argument. I found photos on his phone of other men and texts. We both said things we shouldn’t have but he was fucked off his face. I didn’t have any excuse for what I said.”
“Babe, being fuck faced isn’t an excuse for saying bad things.”
“I know but I was very clear in what I thought of him. I gathered his stuff up and threw him out and the last thing that I ever said to him was that I didn’t care enough to stay around and watch him die.”
“Oh sweetie.” I almost can’t bear this. Matt’s one of the nicest people that I’ve ever known and to find that he walks around every day under some weight of guilt is devastating.
“The next day we found out that he’d died, overdosed in some squatter’s house with no one around. A stranger found him but it was too late. I couldn’t even go to his funeral because his parents blamed me for it.”
“Oh sweetheart.” I grab him and give him a tight hug and then gasp as he gathers me into a crushing hug
“I’m sorry,” he finally says, trying to smile. “I don’t even know why I told you that. I don’t talk about Ben ever and to dump it all on you was really unnecessary and slightly embarrassing.”
I sit up straight and look at him so that I know I’m following properly. “You’re my friend aren’t you?”
He smiles. “Reckon I am. I knew I would be when I met you. Same as Bram.”
“Well as both of your friends I want to tell you that he is a total skank with an incipient drinking problem.” He laughs and I sober. “But you. You’re a wonderful person Matt and going around feeling guilty over somebody else’s addiction to drugs is not only ridiculous. It’s gyn bree.” He looks at me in question. “Pointless. You might just as well go down to the sea and try to stop the tide turning. You’re not God. You were his lover not his conscience, and I’m so sad that he died but that was his choice not yours, and when someone makes up their mind to destroy themselves there’s sometimes no stopping it.” He’s silent looking off to the side and I caress his face. “Nothing I can say will make much difference Matty but I wish it would. I doubt Ben would want to see you living under this guilt, not if you were his first.”
His head jerks up. “You don’t think?”
I huff. “No of course not. Everything you’ve told me about him, the fact that he trusted you to be his first, well I doubt that person would be very happy with the man you are feeling like this.”
He’s silent for a second and then he hugs me, softly kissing my cheek. “Thank you Alys.”
I know the subject is closed but he looks a little lighter and if I’ve helped to open the door a little to let the sun in I’d be very happy but now I need to lighten the mood. “Shall we watch a film?”
He nods. “I’ve got Netflix and Amazon Prime.”
“What’s on your Amazon Prime?” I groan. “Is it all gay films and foreign films with subtitles?”
He snorts, passing me the remote. “That’s very stereotypical of you Helen Keller.”
I can’t help but let out an absolute shriek of laughter, holding my side. “That’s the most un-PC thing that I’ve ever had said to me. Only a fucking gay man would get away with being that un-PC. I love it.” I pull up his Amazon account and sigh happily. “Oh my God you’ve got ‘Magic Mike XXL’. Can we watch that please?”
He laughs. “We certainly can and I can join you in judging who has the best bum which is something that Bram will never help me with.”
“He’s not bothered by stuff like that is he?” I ask startled but he laughs.
“No of course not but he’s so fucking competitive. Last time he tried he removed his trousers and paraded up and down his living room at a party asking everyone whether he had better arse cheeks than Channing Tatum.”
I laugh and then say piously, “Lord, he knows not what he says. Forgive the Channing doubter.”
“Amen,” Matt says with relish and after fetching our food he starts the film.
We’re a quarter of the way through and Joe Manganiello is dancing in a petrol station which has certainly never happened in the BP station near me, when there’s an almighty banging on the front door.
“Who the hell is that Matt?”
“I’ll give you one guess.” I sit up startled and a little anxious at seeing Bram again. I don’t want to see him when he smells of her and then my throat tightens when I wonder if she’ll be with him. My thoughts must show on my face because Matt squeezes my shoulder. “If she’s with him I’ll send them away.”
I’m startled. “Oh no don’t do that”. I grab his hand to emphasise my point. “I never, ever want to come between you and Bram. Please don’t get in the way to try and protect me.”
He flicks my ear gently. “Don’t ever worry about that babe. Bram and I have weathered many storms and many arguments over the years. We’ve punched each other and we stopped talking for a whole five minutes once. I sincerely doubt that there’s anything left short of a nuclear explosion that could separate us. It’s nice that you like us as friends though because loads of Bram’s women have hated me because he’s too close to me.”
“I am not one of Bram’s women,” I say indignantly and he laughs.
“Okay you keep telling yourself that.” He looks like he wants to say something else but a flurry of bangs and a despairing shot of Matty that even I can hear sound out and he groans. “I’ll be evicted from this building if he carries on. I’ll let him in.”
I nod and watch his broad back leave. I don’t hear the door open but I can hear a slur of mumbles in the foyer and then Bram traipses in looking like a bedraggled dog. He’s still in his Halloween costume but he’s lost the cravat, the waistcoat is open to mid chest and his shirt is pulled out of his trousers. Most of his gore makeup has gone and he’s only wearing one boot. I sit up. “What on earth happened to you?” I point at his feet.
He shrugs irritably. “I got dressed quickly.”
Matt sighs. “And why are you here exactly when you have a perfectly good penthouse to go home to?”
Bram scuffs his one boot on the floor not looking at us. “It just felt really empty tonight and then I thought of you two over here together and I flung my clothes on and came over straightaway.”
I flinch, hopefully imperceptively, when I think of Amber. “Is Amber not with you?”
He looks hesitant. “Is that the girl I went home with?”
I cast my eyes upwards. “Yes.”
“Well how was I supposed to know? It was loud at the club and then she had her tongue thrust so far down my throat I thought she was digging for gold.”
“TMI,” Matt mutters and I nod yes.
Bram looks sheepish and a little embarrassed. “Anyway she’s not with me. I put her in a car before she started picking out china patterns. Was she really a friend of yours Alys?”
I snort and Matt stares at him in consternation. “Of course she wasn’t a friend of mine Bram. She thinks that my name is Anna.”
He stares at me for a second and then goes into peals of laughter which despite myself make me smile too. How can I be angry with him when we are friends and he has never indicated any interest in me? That’s not fair and I know that he was shitty tonight but he was drunk and upset. Finally he stops laughing and sensing my thoughts as he always seem to, he looks at me pleadingly. “So we’re alright then?”
I smile at him. “Of course we are.”
He sags slightly and Matt stares at him with interest. “That’s okay then. I … I hate it if you’re not happy with me.”
I’m nonplussed. “Well okay then. I’m not unhappy with you.”
His mood changes lightening quick as he stares at me disapprovingly. “Anyway never mind what I look like. You appear to be wearing Matt’s t-shirt and nothing else.” His voice goes high. “Are you actually wearing any underwear?”
I slap his hand away when he tries to lift the t-shirt. “That’s my business,” I say primly.
He looks crossly at Matt. “How is it that you can cuddle up here together with possibly missing underwear all cosy, whereas I would be shouted out of the room for suggesting that Alys cuddle with me after removing my underwear?”
“I’m gay,” Matt shrugs.
“Oh and you think that gives you a free pass?”
Matt smiles. “Yep. We entwined our legs together lying down as well if that helps, and I gave her a massage.”
Bram huffs indignantly and then stares at the screen. “Are you actually watching ‘Magic Mike XXL’ at five in the morning?”
Matt and I look at each other and then him. “Yes?” we say together and he smiles.
“Well okay then.” He takes a flying leap onto the settee and smiles winsomely. “Put it on then. Matt make some popcorn while Alys and I have a knickerless cuddle.”
Matt laughs as I smack Bram allowing him to draw me to him. He arranges me into a seated position while I watch him bemused, and then he flops down lengthways and puts his head in my lap like a contented, big, shaggy dog. Grabbing my hand he puts it on his head. “Will you stroke my hair for me love?”
“Why?”
“It feels nice. I feel calm when you do that.”
“I’ve never actually done that for you before.”
“Well I always feel really calm and peaceful when I’m with you so it stands to reason that’ll work too.”
Matt has just brought the popcorn in but he stands stock still and stares down at Bram like he’s been struck by lightning. I look at him questioningly but he catches my eye and straightens, putting the popcorn down but still shooting Bram that odd look like he’s just realised something.
Bram sighs happily and clicks play on the remote. After five minutes of silence he stirs. “Alys do you think I’ve got a better arse than Channing Tatum?”
Matt and I break into laughter.
Chapter Six
Alys
A few days later I sit in a lecture theatre waiting for the professor to turn up to teach values and ethics. Elen is beside me playing Candy Crush on her phone.
“What are you doing for Bonfire Night?” I ask turning to her.
“I don’t know. Perhaps go down to the local park. I think the council are doing something. I wouldn’t d
are to try and do something myself, well not unless I fancy a visit from the local fire service.” We look at each other and she laughs. “Yeah forget that. I’ll do it myself if it means loads of fireman in my house. What’s brick and mortar compared with men in those trousers and suspenders?”
“You do know that they don’t go shirtless unless they’re actually strippers don’t you?”
She purses her lips. “Killjoy. Why do you ask? Do you want to come round to mine?”
“Well actually I was wondering whether you fancy bringing Daisy round to Charlie’s. He’s having a Bonfire Night party and Bram said it was fine to ask you.” I’d told her about Bram because once Amber had shagged him I rather thought that particular cat was out of the bag.
She stares at me. “Are you sure? I don’t know them at all and we’re not exactly supermodels me and Daisy. She’s mouthy to the extreme and a bit of a flirt.”
“And you’re not?”
She laughs. “Yeah true. I always thought she got it from her father.” Elen’s ex doesn’t see Daisy at all and from what Elen says she misses having a male figure in her life.
“Anyway none of them are like that. I mean sure there are always women round them and they’re good looking rock stars so of course they partake. But their core group has been around for ever and none of them are jet setters. Mabe is a PA, Viv’s a paralegal and Mick’s a plumber. You’ll really like them and I know there are other kids going as they’ve invited the families of the people who work for them.”
She looks doubtful. “Are you sure, because a night with a world famous rock group sounds infinitely preferable to a bottle of Prosecco at home and a pack of Aldi sparklers?”
I laugh. “That’s brilliant. Come round to Bram’s flat first and then he said he’ll drive us all.”
I jot down his address for her and she looks at me searchingly. “How are things with you and Bram now?” I’d been round to her house one night and over a bottle of wine I’d divulged all of my mixed up feelings. Her advice was as brisk and refreshingly practical as Elen always was. “Just be friends with him and definitely don’t fuck him. Okay, if you do have to fuck him and heaven knows I certainly would, then get as much sex as you possibly can and when it ends come and move in with me and Daisy.”
