by Lily Morton
Bending forward I hug him tentatively, surprised when he makes a choked sound and pulls me tight against him. For a second my body coils inside as it recognises how much pleasure he could bring me, and then I focus on feeling the warmth and caring that emanates from him. I pull back after a few minutes feeling the reluctance in his arms as they let go. “It’s fine,” I say clearly, giving him a real smile and he relaxes instantly.
“Are you sure Alys? I couldn’t bear it if I’ve fucked us up.”
I shake my head firmly. “It was just a bit of groping. No harm done.” I smile teasingly. “You’re not that good babe. Now if it was Chris Hemsworth it might be a different story.”
He huffs indignantly. “Alys I’ve told you before that Chris Hemsworth has nothing on Bram O’Connell.”
I laugh, glad to do it honestly this time. “Especially not as Bram O’Connell has taken to talking about himself in the third person. Now I’m going to shower and the price for a mild grope is you making coffee and breakfast.”
Bram
She leaves the room and I can’t help but notice the tanned length of her legs, the curve of her hips that my hands had mapped out, and the long length of her hair flying behind her. I fall back onto the bed groaning. I’d had that hair in my hands feeling the softness of it, inhaling the scent of it and watching the early morning light play in the beautiful blonde strands before she woke up. I’d lied to her, the first time that I’ve ever done that to her. I’d known who she was every step of the way. Every inch of her body that I’d traced with my hands was burnt in my brain, and I’d known what I was doing from the first touch.
My dick pulses and feeling like a total creeper I lower my hand, palming it roughly and feeling a moan working in my throat. She’d been everything that I’d thought she would and I’ve had a lot of thoughts about her over the last few months. Her skin had felt like silk. Her breasts were the perfect size for my hands, and when her nipples had grown hard like pebbles under my fingers I’d been embarrassingly close to coming.
I let myself remember pushing my hand down into her panties, the heat there and the sleek wetness inside that had greeted me and I start a rough stroke of my cock, twisting my hand over the top and groaning as I remember the moan that she’d given then. It only takes a few strokes and then I let out a choked grunt with an echo of her name as I come like a fucking fountain all over the sheets that smell like her.
For a second I lie there almost undone by pleasure, and then I groan and roll over pushing my head into the pillows. Yes, I’d known right from the minute that I’d woken up but I hadn’t been able to stop myself touching and taking. I’ve always been renowned for my control. I can go for hours and a woman’s pleasure is my top priority. There’s a reason for the requests for repeat business and it’s not just for my bank balance, but this time I’d been rendered close to coming in seconds by someone that is my friend, and it’s that thought that had stopped me when I was on the sticky slope to not stopping.
Because she is my friend and I can’t lose her. I feel so close to her like I know what she’s thinking, and somehow she’s just mine in a way that no woman ever has been before. She challenges me, makes me laugh, makes me think and now she makes me fucking burn. But if I have her even once I know what will happen. She’ll leave, everyone does, and I know that I may have hurt her this morning with those words which flustered me and didn’t come out right, but I know that I did the right thing. I have to have her in my life. I can’t be without her now, and so I have to keep my hands off her even though that might be the most difficult thing that I’ve ever had to do because everything about her attracts me.
Chapter Nine
Alys
The months fly past after that night in a flickering slideshow of course work and seminars on my part, and hospital visits and band business on Bram’s. I’d had my first placement and I’d been thrilled to find that I’d been allocated Great Ormond Street Children’s Hospital. The placement has been hard both mentally and physically which has helped to take my mind off mine and Bram’s relationship. It’s been strained between us since that morning and we’ve definitely both taken a step back and let each other have their own space. I’ve missed him tremendously but I feel for the benefit of my sanity that I can’t get too close.
I also feel weirdly angry with him which bothers me because he’s been very honest about his feelings. However, that knowledge doesn’t stop the burn inside me at how he’d so casually and easily dismissed the chance for us. I don’t know his reasons for the distance. I just hope that they don’t include letting me down gently, but he’s been weirdly nervous and on edge around me ever since, and I’ve caught him staring at me when he didn’t think that I was looking.
The band had managed to keep the overdose a secret to my astonishment, and at first Sid had been completely apathetic according to Bram. Then he’d suddenly decided to go into rehab which is where he’s been since he left the hospital. I haven’t seen him yet as Bram had said that he wouldn’t want anyone seeing him in the state that he’s been in. I’d completely agreed with that which is why I’d been taken aback by Bram’s decision yesterday that he was taking me to see Sid at the rehab centre as he’s now allowed visitors.
He’d come to find me in my room where I was lying writing an essay. I’d looked up to find him standing in the doorway watching me with a slight smile on his mouth.
“Jesus, Bram,” I’d exclaimed. “We should put a fucking bell on you if you’re going to be doing creepy shit like this.”
He’d laughed but a small part of it had looked like relief and then he’d thrown himself cavalierly down on the bed next to me and picked up my essay. “Jesus Alys that sounds fucking tedious.”
“Hey,” I’d said, slapping him and taking the papers off him.
“No really. Lend that to me for the next bout of insomnia that I suffer from.”
“Oh fuck off. Lovely as this visit is what do you want?”
He’d put his hand over his heart mockingly. “Alys I’m wounded. Why would I want something?”
“Well do you?”
He’d smirked. “Okay yes I do. I want you to come with me tomorrow and meet Sid.”
“Babe I’ve already met him.”
“No you haven’t, not really. You met asshole Sid, druggie Sid. You just haven’t met my Sid yet and I really want you to.”
“Why?”
He’d looked embarrassed. “Because you’re two of my most favourite people in the world. I want you to meet properly and get on.”
I’d been so touched and glad to feel the distance melting that I had agreed instantly which is why I am now standing looking in my mirror, examining my appearance and trying to see myself from another person’s perspective, and not just anyone. He’s Bram’s best friend and I really want him to like me.
I look at my outfit searchingly. I’m wearing a dark grey, woollen sweater dress with a round neck. It falls to mid-thigh so I’ve teamed it with black opaque tights and some black ballet flats. I’ll wear it with my black asymmetric jacket and a big, light grey scarf and I’ve plaited my hair and pulled it into an updo.
My musings are interrupted by a very loud bang on the door. Bram always knocks very loudly as it’s often a bit of a lottery over whether I’ll hear. He pokes his tousled head around the door. “Ready?”
I grimace at him. “I’m not sure. Do I look okay?”
He looks me up and down very slowly lingering on the way that the fabric clings to my chest and I see a muscle tick in his jaw as though he’s tense. Then he seems to make a deliberate effort to relax. “You look gorgeous babe.” He frowns. “You seem to be making a lot of effort for Sid.”
“Well of course I am.” He frowns again and I wonder what he’s thinking, but then dismiss it as he’ll never tell me unless he wants to. “Anyway, is it suitable?”
“Suitable for what?”
“Visiting someone in rehab. Does it say rehab visiting to you? Is it suitable?”
He laugh
s. “As long as it doesn’t say ‘I will break you out of rehab’ on it and there aren’t secret pockets for smuggling in heroin then I think you’ll find that it’s suitable.”
I wrinkle my nose. “You’re hopeless.”
“Yes I must be if I don’t know which designers cover rehab visiting. You look fucking gorgeous and I’m already nervous that Sid will see you and fall in love with you and I’ll have to stop being friends with you in order to give my newly clean friend what he needs most, and then I’ll die alone surrounded by cats that will eat me before I’m not quite dead.”
His words run out in a massive rush and I stare at him. “Have you been eating those blue smarties again sweetie?”
He laughs, looking slightly embarrassed. “Ignore me I’m nervous, are you ready?”
I grab my jacket and gesture to him. “Come on then let’s go.”
An hour later we pull up to the front of a large manor house in a flurry of gravel and with the very loud strains of ‘If I Had a Gun’ by Noel Gallagher’s Flying Birds coming from the stereo. Bram switches the engine off and silence intrudes filled with only the sound of birdsong. I roll my head to face him when he doesn’t immediately move. “You okay?” I ask softly.
He sighs and rotates his neck looking unexpectedly tired. He seems strained lately. “I’m okay. It’s just always a bit nerve racking visiting him.”
“Why?”
“Well because I never know what I’m going to find.”
“He’s been okay so far hasn’t he?”
He nods emphatically. “Oh yes he’s been brilliant and looks more like the old Sid every day.”
“So?”
“It’s just that maybe today will be the day that he isn’t okay and we’ll go in and he’ll be high or jonesing for a hit. What if he’s relapsed again?”
I take his hand trying valiantly to ignore the tingles. He shoots a sharp look at my hand so I don’t think I’m alone in this feeling. “I think it’s very unlikely that he’s going to get his hands on any gear here, and maybe he will be craving a hit but this is Sid’s fight. At the end of the day there is nothing that you or anyone else can say or do that will ultimately make a difference. It’s down to him whether he stays clean. All you can do is be there for him.”
He sighs and I think that we’re coming to the heart of it. “But what if I’ve had enough of that Alys? What sort of friend would I be to refuse to be there for him? We’ve been here so many times and I know it sounds ridiculous to you, me worrying about him being high in here, but he’s managed to get his hands on drugs in the least likely places. He has a talent for it if anything that horrific could be called a talent. Sometimes I’ve just wanted to beat his fucking face in because I’m so angry with him and hurt by him. What if one day I just walk away? What sort of friend would I be then?”
“Bram you are very far from being ridiculous. You’re the best friend that I’ve ever had, and I know Matty and Sid and the others would say the same thing. You’re kind and loyal and always there, steady and sure. I know that you won’t give up on him.” He looks at me searchingly and I say with emphasis, “I know that you wouldn’t do that, but you do know that it’s okay and perfectly understandable to have these feelings of rage and hurt don’t you? It’s normal because you love him, but I know that at the end of the day whatever happens you’ll always be there for him.”
Silence falls and I see him take in and let out a long breath before turning back to me. I’m relieved to see some of his old life and humour in his eyes like a little weight has been lifted from him. He smiles at me and I blink because it’s so tender, as he lifts a finger and catches a strand of hair falling free from my plait and tucks it carefully behind my ear caressing my face as his hand falls away.
However, I’m horrified to feel that frisson of rage again. How dare he look so tender when it means nothing? I come back to myself to find him staring at me quizzically. He opens his mouth as if to say something but then shakes his head. “Thank you,” he says finally and offers nothing more. Instead he vaults out of the car and comes round to open my door taking my hand to help me down. “Come on then darling. Come and meet Sid.”
The centre is beautiful inside like a manor house. I almost expect to see couples sitting around reading the papers and having pre-lunch drinks, but instead a woman in a pale green uniform arrives to show us to where Sid is waiting for us. I try not to stare as I walk down the corridor after her passing a sunroom, but it’s hard as I just spotted two very famous actresses and a supermodel.
Bram looks back and catches me gawping. “That’s why we’re meeting in a private room,” he offers. “Usually you have to do everything in the open at rehab but here they do make exceptions for famous people because obviously some business could be open to being leaked to the press.”
“I’m surprised they make exceptions,” I offer because this centre is known as one of the stricter ones.
Bram smiles. “Oh we’re going to be searched in a minute and we’ve all had to be interviewed and vetted before they let us visit.”
“I’ve not been vetted.”
“Well I vouched for you,” he offers. “So keep the stripping to a minimum this time eh babe because Sid doesn’t need high blood pressure again.”
“Oh shut up.” I smack him hard on the arm while he howls with laughter and the woman smiles at me. “I’m not really a stripper,” I say to her but she just smiles again so I resort to hitting Bram’s arm again. Finally we arrive at an old wooden door where a large man in a suit waits for us.
The woman turns to me. “I’ll search you now if that’s okay, while Sam will do Mr O’Connell.”
I nod okay and we’re both gently searched with Bram making suggestions that we swap over. Finally finished the woman gestures to the door. “You’re in the library,” she tells us. “I’ll come back in an hour, or if you want to leave early just ring the bell.”
“How is he?” Bram asks and she smiles.
“He’s good,” she offers and he relaxes again. “I’ll leave you then,” she murmurs and wanders off leaving us staring at the door.
After a minute staring I nudge Bram. “Well are we going in or not Nervous Nora?”
He gives a very unattractive snort and shakes his head and knocks briefly. I hear a deep voice and Bram swings open the door and ushers me into what is a beautiful old library, lined floor to ceiling with shelves full of old books. Several deep settees are dotted around and rising from one of them is the instantly recognisable figure of Sid, but he bears no resemblance to the man that I met at Halloween.
Gone is the gauntness, dirty sweaty hair and the greenish complexion. Instead, his complexion looks healthier and he’s got a light tan. His eyes are clear and his hair is clean and shiny. He’s wearing faded jeans and a navy polo shirt and he’s put on some much needed weight although he’s still too thin.
“Pip,” he exclaims as he catches Bram in a fierce hug, holding tight to him and ruffling his hair affectionately.
I laugh at the nickname and Sid’s attention turns to me. “Is this Alys?” he asks putting his hand out to me.
I nod and smile taking care not to show any sign that we’ve met before as he obviously doesn’t remember and I don’t want to embarrass him because instinctively I like him. His face is sterner than Bram’s but there’s kindness in his eyes and the love between the two of them is obvious. Bram looks ten years younger just being around him as he is at the moment. I sincerely hope that this rehab stint takes.
“Well I’m really pleased to meet you,” he says clearly. “This twat’s told me loads about you.”
“Oh there’s not much to tell,” I protest.
“Hasn’t stopped Bram from filling hours with it.” He shoots a sidelong glance at Bram who promptly and to my amazement blushes. I stare at him and he squirms making Sid laugh out loud. “Fuck, being sober is so much fun at times.”
“Fuck off,” Bram mouths at him.
“How are you doing?” I ven
ture and he turns back to me making it clear that Bram or someone has warned him to face me when talking.
“It’s okay,” he says slowly. “To be honest the first few weeks were bloody hideous but I’m taking it one day at a time. I think it’s the only way to really do it but I feel better than I have in years.” He looks at Bram. “I’m out next week.”
Bram looks momentarily uneasy. “Where will you go mate? Do you want to come to us?” He gestures at me and him and Sid shoots him an almost startled look and then smiles.
“Bram, thanks for that. You don’t know how much I appreciate you and Alys offering me a room.” I swallow, not sure if he means to imply that we’re a couple but he goes on. “I’m going to stay with Charlie for a while. I can’t go home and he’s corralled Mabe into staying with us too.”
Bram laughs loudly. “Fuck, that bastard has got to be the most manipulative and creative bloke that I’ve ever met, but he has no self-examination whatsoever. I’m sure that he’s convinced himself that it’s all for you and to help her in some way.”
Sid laughs. “He’ll give in eventually but still I think it’s for the best for me for now.”
I smile at him seeing Bram watching me closely. “Well that’s got to be a good start anyway I think.” I decide a change of subject is needed. “Now tell me something really embarrassing about Bram.”
He throws his head back laughing and Bram says ‘oh fuck off’ indignantly. Sid strokes his chin meditatively. “How about when he woke up naked in a lift at the Four Seasons Hotel in New York? Apparently, he’d been going up and down all night because nobody could wake him up.”
I burst out laughing making Bram smile widely at me unaware that Sid is examining his face closely. When Bram turns back to him he instantly wipes his expression clear making me wonder what he was thinking. Sid instantly launches into questions about what everyone is doing. He avoids questions about the world at large because apparently they’re not allowed newspapers or magazines and can’t watch TV. Therefore, Bram and I fill the time chatting easily about everything from band business and the latest about Charlie and Mabe, to my course and tales about Elen and Daisy.
