by Lily Morton
“How could you not tell me about the danger?” she shrieks. Really I don’t need my hearing aid at all with voices at this decibel level. “You know that my face is my business. Some mad cunt with a hammer needs to be mentioned Bram.”
I can see the bewilderment in his face and I bend over stuffing my hand in my mouth to muffle the massive laugh that is trying to get out. “What the fuck? What cunt and what hammer?”
“That disabled girl mumbled something about it. I couldn’t understand her fully with her funny voice but I managed to hear more than enough.”
I straighten up. I’d almost started to feel sorry for her but now I don’t. There’s a shocked silence and then Bram’s voice slices coldly through it. “Don’t fucking talk about her like that. She’s a fucking person, not some fucking object that you can talk about like that.”
She stutters and huffs and then slides into purring conciliation. “Well you should have told me about Bertha, Bram. A girl needs to know what she’s getting into with her new man and his exes. Not that you’re not worth it. Just tell me that the court order works.”
There’s a long silence and then he says slowly his voice still hard with affront on my behalf but with recognition dawning. “You spoke to Alys then?” I slide further back against the door so that he can’t see me.
“Is she the blonde? Yes she warned me.”
When he speaks next I can hear the stifled laughter in his voice. “Yes well court orders are fine honey but sometimes, I don’t want to lie they don’t work. You know, this is wrong. You’re so beautiful that I can’t risk it babe.” His voice gets further away as he ushers her down the hall listening to her protest about how he’s worth it.
He finds me later as I knew he would. I’m lying on my bed trying to read a course book but really listening out for any signs of whether she’s still here when suddenly I look up. He’s leaning against the doorway looking far too good in faded old jeans that cling to his narrow hips, cupping the bulge at his groin and falling to land on his bare tanned feet. He’s wearing a brown Lacoste polo shirt that makes his hazel eyes glow almost gold. His brown, messy hair is tousled around his tanned face, and he looks far too good for someone that seems to be actively seeking to debauch themselves to death.
He folds his tanned arms over his chest making his arm muscles bulge and looks at me enigmatically, and for a second I flash back to that morning when he’d leant against a chest of drawers and looked at me in exactly the same way.
We stare at each other for a long moment and then I venture a smile. “You’re welcome,” I offer. He raises one autocratic eyebrow and I race into speech. “No need to express your gratitude. She’d got the look of a stage one clinger about her. I mean if she was prepared to put up with Bertha then she’d put up with anything.” I smile coolly. “In fact I’ve just realised that makes her your ideal woman.”
He uncoils slightly. “Ah yes, poor dear Bertha. How is she Alys? Is her medication working yet?”
I swallow, trying not to laugh. “Yes, bless her. That dear, dear girl and her big, massive hammer.” I can’t help it and let out a laugh which rapidly turns into a girly shriek as he launches himself at me, his body landing on me, and before I can move he’s manacled both my hands above my head and he rests his body against mine. Laughter instantly turns to a darkness that rushes through me ending up between my legs which are currently wrapped around his thighs.
For a second we stare at each other and images from that night rush through my brain. He seems to fall into me and then I gasp as I feel his hardness press against me. His eyes darken but at the sound of my gasp he immediately levers off me falling to my side on the bed. His chest rises and falls sharply and then he sighs and I immediately brace for the recriminations and shouting which usually follow what has become my uncontrollable impulse to fuck his women off. Instead he turns to me and traces his hand down my face gently.
“I’m sorry,” he murmurs.
Completely taken aback I stare at him. “Why?” I whisper, not wanting to break his gentle mood which I haven’t seen since that night a year ago.
He sighs. “For the way that she was with you. Fucking, rude bitch. You don’t need that and I’m not having anyone talk to you like that. You heard didn’t you?”
I nod. “I don’t usually need my hearing aid for noises that loud.” I expect him to smile and I’m surprised when he doesn’t. He’s obviously more bothered by that remark than I initially thought. I catch his hand and I’m amazed when he holds it tight and bends to whisper a kiss along it. “That’s not your fault,” I say steadily. “You’re not responsible for her attitude.”
“No, but I brought her here.”
“To be honest Bram from the noise echoing through the flat last night I don’t think that you were testing her political correctness and disability awareness.”
He flushes and for a second I think that he looks almost shamefaced. “Yeah, maybe I’d have been better off doing that.” He looks hard at me and words seem to hover on his lips but then he shakes his head. “Maybe I should vet them from now.”
I smile but inwardly I want to shout why shag them anyway? Why be with them? But I don’t and silence falls and we lie comfortably for a few minutes and it’s almost like when I first came here and we’d fallen into that instant, easy friendship like we’d know each other for years. That had stopped a year ago though and almost as if he recalls the state of armed neutrality that we now live in he stirs and sits up. “I’m going to order dinner,” he says quietly. “Do you want some?”
“I’ll be down in a minute,” I say softly and he moves towards the doorway and then he stops.
Turning back to me, making sure that I can see his face he hesitates. “I miss this,” he says finally, gesturing between him and me. “I miss us. Don’t you?”
I smile and shrug and he waits for a second for me to echo him but then he shrugs clumsily and moves away leaving me there silent and unable to tell him that I miss him too like a physical pain, but that after that night a year ago we’ve proved that we can’t be that us ever again.
***
The next morning I walk up to the café where I’ve arranged to meet the girls. It’s a small, cosy place decorated in primary colours in Hampstead and they do the most amazing cakes and pastries. Unfortunately, by the way that my stomach is twisting I don’t think I’ll be able to eat anything. Damn that man for ruining cakes and giving me an incipient ulcer.
I open the door and search the rooms for the girls and then seeing them I wave and start making my way over. The place isn’t very busy and I’m thankful for that because cafes are the worst for my hearing. All those voices and clattering of pots and cutlery make it difficult to hear anything. However, I’ve turned my hearing aid up in anticipation and I just hope that it’s not whistling.
The girls are sitting at a large table by the big window and there’s only one old lady sitting nearby. Viv is looking at something on her phone, a frown playing on her face, while Elen and Mabe are chatting happily. When I get to the table Mabe jumps up to give me a hug, the engagement and wedding rings on her finger glinting in the sunlight. She and Charlie got married last year and I’ve never seen anyone so absolutely incandescent with happiness. I tap her fingers and pretend to shield my eyes. “Oh, I’m going blind Mabe. Thanks for making me into another minority.”
“Oh my God,” she gasps. “You are so politically incorrect.”
I smile. “I can get away with it. Me and Matty, we’re like Teflon.”
“How is he?” Elen asks giving me her sidelong smile. She’s not much of a one for physical contact but she doesn’t have to be because her smiles say everything, being warm and open. “He was round at ours the other night and he seemed happy.”
“I think he is but he won’t say who the new man is. I’ve tried everything to get it out of him but he won’t break.”
“Water torture?” Viv enquires seriously and I shake my head.
“Not fully. I d
id spill a cup of tea on him the other day but he was too busy taking his jeans off to answer probing questions about his love life.”
“I’d love to probe him,” Viv cackles and we all groan. “What?” she asks. “He is amazingly gorgeous. What with him and Bram I don’t know how you don’t fill that flat with drool.”
The others laugh but my smile falters slightly and Elen gives me a knowing grimace. She knows what happened because I’d rung her that morning. The others know because Charlie can’t keep a secret to save his life, and Seth tells Viv everything or he used to. I’m not sure whether he does now since this weird distance sprang up between them and he started to date a girl called Lucy last year.
“Not any better then I take it?” Elen asks.
I shrug and then smile at the waitress who has walked up to take my order. “I’ll have a hot chocolate please,” I ask and then shake my head when she offers cake. When she’s gone I look back to see them all staring at me disapprovingly. “What?” I ask defensively.
“You’re too thin,” Mabe says. “Have some cake.”
“I’m not hungry, Marie Antoinette,” I shrug.
“Well try,” Elen says with her usual sharpness. “I’ve seen fatter people on those fucking anorexia shows.”
“Oh my God.” Mabe covers her eyes briefly and then offers the old lady next to us an apologetic look as I snort, but then she looks back at me intently. “Bram was round the other day, moaning that you’d fucked another woman off,” she offers and I sigh.
“It was a redhead and she was really bloody rude.”
“So what did you do?” Viv asks.
I grimace. “I told her that Bram’s syphilis was under control.”
Viv and Elen break into laughter but Mabe rubs my arm. “If it’s any consolation he doesn’t look any happier than you,” she offers, but I shake my head.
“It isn’t.” I smile determinedly. “Now why don’t we change the subject? How are rehearsals going and how are Sid and Nell getting on?” The boys are touring again and they’ve hired a backing singer called Nell to go with them. She’s extremely beautiful and wonderfully nice which means that although Sid can’t take his eyes off her he’s determined not to touch her, not only with his own barge pole but with everyone else’s as well.
Mabe smiles. “He’s taking violin lessons from her.”
I laugh. “Maybe she’ll teach him some other stuff too.”
“Like lightening up?” Viv offers. Sid’s been clean since rehab but his new persona in the rehearsal room is apparently more Adolf Hitler than Cliff Richard.
“Are you ready for Charlie to be away again?” I ask Mabe. They kicked off the tour a few weeks ago with dates in the UK but they’re due to fly to France soon to start the European leg of the tour. I know that I’m not ready and I’ll miss Bram like crazy despite our current relationship.
She seesaws her hands. “Not really but I am used to it and it’s his job that he loves. I’d never stand in the way of that. Plus, I’m going to pop over whenever I can and I’ve been saving my holiday up for this.” Mabe has kept her job determined that Charlie isn’t paying for her, and as much as it’s irked him he seems to have accepted it with good grace.
I’m just about to say something else when as if hypnotised all three women’s mouths fall open and they stare out of the window. “Has Harry Styles just walked past?” I joke and then turn round. “Oh my God I can’t even get away from him here,” I grumble as we all stare at a bus which has stopped outside. It’s obviously not the bus - we’ve all seen those before. It’s more the massive picture of Bram in tight briefs that’s adorning the bus that catches our attention.
He’d taken up modelling at the beginning of the year, probably out of boredom while they were waiting to see if Sid’s rehab would take, and it’d been tremendously successful. Women everywhere are clamouring for his picture and top designers are queuing up to get him to endorse their products.
Last week he’d pissed me off so much that I’d told a company who were chancing their arm and asking him to advertise a product to cure flatulence that he’d love to take their job. It had taken him an afternoon to get out of it but at least an hour of that had been spent shouting through my locked bedroom door at me. I’d just shrugged, taken my hearing aid out and lain on my bed with my Kindle until he got bored.
“He really is bloody gorgeous,” Viv muses as we all stare at him lying on his back, acres of golden skin stretched taut over defined muscles and leading down to his bulge which is being cupped lovingly by bright, white briefs. “What do we know about her?” she asks, pointing at the topless blonde model wrapped around his body like ivy.
“She makes a noise like a dog when she comes,” I say morosely, making the old lady next to us spit out her tea.
They all stare open mouthed at me. “How the hell do you know that?” Viv finally asks.
“I accidently saw a sex tape that she and Bram made.” The memory makes my stomach roil.
“How can you accidently …” Mabe begins and I gesture wildly.
“I only switched the fucking DVD player on. I thought ‘Breaking Bad’ was still in there, not the home porn version called ‘Breaking Fucking Women’s Vaginas with My Massive Cock’.”
“Okay, okay.” Mabe makes calming gestures and glares at Viv who is laughing helplessly. “Viv stop, it’s not funny.”
Viv snorts. “It sort of is in a terrible dark way.” She catches sight of my face and makes a sad face of her own. “Oh babe I don’t think that Bram’s home is a good place for you anymore.”
I shrug, trying to keep the unexpected tears back. “I’m inclined to agree. I’m there as little as I can be at the moment. I just don’t understand this constant need of his to parade women in front of me.”
Viv stares contemplatively at me. “Don’t you? It seems quite clear to me.”
Mabe makes a sad face. “It’s Bram, babe. I’m sure that he’s trying desperately at the moment for normality and that’s his normality. In his head he desperately wants you to stay so to him it’s simple, he’ll do what he always did in the hope that everything goes on like before.”
“He’s an idiot,” Viv says but Mabe shakes her head.
“He’s really not babe. He’s just lost and doesn’t know what to do. I’ve watched him with these women and all they get is surface charm from him. He doesn’t look happy at all at the moment and hasn’t done for a while. I don’t see him like he was when he was with you. With you he was fully there all the time, and calm and centred.”
“So why doesn’t he want that?” I ask in a low voice.
“He’s fucked up,” Viv offers. “To him any commitment is automatically followed by the other person leaving or letting him go. His mum started it and then it just carried on. His aunt and uncle didn’t want him, and women have never stuck around long. They didn’t stay because he didn’t give any appearance of wanting more, and he’s so pretty that I’m sure a lot of women convinced themselves that if all they’d get from him was transient, then they might as well enjoy him like hell and then go off happy that they’d had the Bram Experience. However, a small part of him saw that as them letting him go because he’s not worth more.”
I wince thinking of that morning when I’d joked about having the Bram Experience and how angry he’d been. I’d never thought it would hurt him because he’s so flippant about love. She stares at me. “If you think about it, what he’s done, what he’s doing, is a clear sign to everyone that you actually mean something.”
I give an inelegant snort and she sighs. “I know that it sounds like something from a romance novel but it’s true. He’s scared shitless because if you leave then that’s it for him. He couldn’t bear it so he’s pushing for normality and for being just friends. Poor bastard doesn’t realise yet that he’s destroying what he’s working so hard to save.”
Silence falls and then Elen stirs. “If you ask me you should start making plans over what to do next honey because I can’t
see this going on forever. You can come and stay with me and Mick. We’d love to have you.”
“I can’t do that,” I protest. “You’ve only just moved in together.”
She shrugs. “That’s immaterial. You’re my family. I put up with his raving mad brethren so I think he’s got the better end of the deal if all he has to do is look at you over the breakfast table.”
“I don’t want to draw anyone into this. You’re all so close.”
“You were my friend first and you’ll always be my priority. Mick can just sort his own loyalties out, but babe he loves you. He won’t fall out with Bram but equally he won’t compromise what he thinks is right.”
I nod. Mick is amazingly clearheaded and forthright. He says what he feels and does what he thinks is right and the lads love him for it.
“Think about it,” she urges. “We’ve got the spare room. It doesn’t have to be forever. Just when you need it.”
I nod gratefully and share a long look with her. “I’m so thankful that I met you that day,” I say softly, and she grabs my hand squeezing it hard.
Viv stirs. “I think it’s time,” she says to Elen and Mabe and they nod.
“What is it time for?” I ask suspiciously. I love Viv like a sister but when she gets in a wild mood then watch out.
“For you to date,” she offers, and I gape in astonishment.
“Why the hell would I want to date? That’d be lovely to bring some poor bloke into the fucked up mess between me and Bram.”
Elen looks hard at me. “It hasn’t stopped him though has it?” I wince at the cut and her face softens. “I don’t want to hurt you but let’s be honest, this thing with Bram is not coming to anything. He’s moved on and you need to as well babe. You can’t stay locked up in his docklands tower like some sad Rapunzel.”
“Although you have got princess hair,” Mabe offers but I can’t smile. This is Elen’s brand of brutal honesty but I know she’s right. No matter my feelings, Bram is out there shagging merrily without a thought to me. It makes my stomach turn but I think I’d come to the end of my rope today when his latest blonde robot had been so rude. Why should I still be lying alone in my bed at night when his is busier than King’s Cross Station?
