by Lily Morton
He’s moved on from that night and I need to grow up and move on too. Perhaps if he sees me moving on with someone else we can recover our old friendship, although some days it hurts so much to be near him that I’m rapidly coming to the conclusion that I should just cut ties and leave. If I don’t see him then maybe I’d get over him.
Mabe breaks into my thoughts. “There’s a really nice bloke that Charlie knows. He’s a sound engineer for them and he’s gorgeous.” I smile but it’s more a tip of my lips and she valiantly carries on. “Anyway he saw you at that party at Seth and Lucy’s house the other week.” Out of the corner of my eye I see Viv wince and catching her eyes we smile sadly at each other. It seems that we’ve both been chewed up and spat out by the Beggar’s Choice boys. Mabe recalls me to attention. “He thought you were gorgeous and he’s been pestering Charlie all week for your number. Why don’t you give him a call or let Charlie give him your number?”
I stare at her for a long minute and catching Elen’s eye I see her give me a tight nod. “It’s time cariad. Time to move on and get on with life. It doesn’t have to mean anything but you should still try.” I look over and see Mabe and Viv exchanging a look loaded with some unspoken message and then I nod.
“Okay, tell Charlie to give him my number.”
Mabe squeals and hugs me and even the old lady next to us gives me an approving look but I can’t help feeling queasy. I don’t like the idea of anyone else but maybe I should. I’m recalled to the table when Viv cackles. “What?” I ask.
“If I give you £5000 can you get me a copy of that DVD babe? It’ll come in handy for those days when I can’t just lie back and think of Jamie Dornan.”
Chapter Thirteen
Alys
A week later I stand in front of the mirror in my bedroom and look at myself anxiously. I’m wearing a little 1950’s dress that I’d picked up in a vintage clothing shop near the university. It’s close fitting with a tight skirt and a deep, wide neckline, and it’s made of black silk with a pattern of red roses. It makes my waist look tiny and highlights my legs which look miles long thanks to the high, black sling backs that I’m wearing.
I twist looking at the back and smile slightly because even my hair has behaved itself and I’ve pulled it into a low chignon. I do feel good but I wish that I wasn’t doing this. I wish that Bram … Dismissing that thought I grab my black clutch and after a last look in the mirror I nod uncertainly and then leave the bedroom. I clatter down the stairs checking in my bag for my keys which are nowhere to be found, and then I snap my fingers remembering that I had them in the lounge last night.
I grab my black pashmina seeing it on the hall chair and then walk into the lounge only to be hit by very loud wolf whistling. My head shoots up and then I grin as I see Sid, Matt and Mick sitting at the long table by the windows with Bram. The table is strewn with glasses, bottles, cards and mounds of poker chips as they’re having a poker night.
“How are you?” I exclaim in delight as I walk over to the table only for Sid to leap up and grab me into a tight hug. When his hold eases I stand back and grip his shoulders. “You look great babe,” I offer and he really does, being clear eyed and very healthy looking. I’d always thought that he was good looking even when he was an addict, but now that he’s clean he’s spectacular. Tall and lean with a head of shiny, conker brown hair.
He smiles, the lines at the side of his eyes crinkling. “Never mind me sweetheart, you look fucking brilliant.” He shoots a look behind him at a silent Bram and then turns back to me. “Who’s the lucky man then?” I hear the tinkle of glass and a low voiced oath from Bram but focus on Sid instead.
“I’m sure the grapevine has already informed you of this,” I say but he just smiles innocently at me and I laugh nervously. “It’s Eddie. Charlie and Mabe are playing matchmaker.”
“Really?” he offers mischievously and then sobers. “He’s a good bloke Alys. I approve and I knew he fancied you at the party. He’s a fast worker.”
“I don’t know about that,” I protest, sneaking a look at Bram who unusually for him is sitting absolutely still, the only movement being a mad tic in his jaw. He clutches his glass tightly the veins on his hand and arm standing out, and just stares at me without giving any of the usual light hearted banter.
Mick throws him a quick look that he doesn’t see and smiles at me. “He is a good man Alys. I think you’ve picked right this time.” Bram’s head shoots round so fast at this that I’m surprised he hasn’t got whiplash and he glares at Mick, but Mick ignores him and carries on. “Just what you need babe. You’ll make a beautiful couple and I know that he’s a serious lad. He’s had his player years and I think he’s looking for more now. Let me know though if he misbehaves and I’ll kick his fucking arse for you.”
I smile. “Thanks Mick.” I love him so much for Elen. They go together so well and he loves Daisy as if she’s his own. He’s also taken to treating me like one of his sisters, which Elen says is understandable because he has so many one more really doesn’t make much of a difference.
I suddenly exclaim and grab Sid’s arm, turning the dial of the massive diver’s watch that he wears. “Is that the time? Bloody hell I’ve got to go.”
Bram jerks. “Aren’t you waiting for him?” His voice sounds odd.
I shake my head. “No, I’m meeting him at the restaurant.”
“Why the fuck are you doing that?” he asks indignantly. “Why isn’t the twat coming to fetch you?”
I wince. “He isn’t a twat,” I say gently, “Or at least I hope not, and I offered to meet him there. I didn’t think that you’d want people wandering through your flat that you don’t really know that well.”
Mick huffs. “Not sure that means anything to him Alys. Bloody hell the only difference from any other day would be that he’s a man and his knickers aren’t hanging off the chandeliers.”
I give a thin smile and Bram glares at Mick venomously. “I haven’t got any chandeliers,” he hisses. Then he turns back to me. “Shall I give you a lift?”
“No!” My voice sounds way too loud and frantic and Sid tries to hide a smile. “I’ll be fine. The front desk rang for a taxi for me and they’ve just texted to let me know that it’s waiting.”
He stands up. “Well I’ll just come and vet the driver then. You can’t be too careful.”
“Or too mental apparently,” Sid offers. “She’ll be fine Bram. You heard her, the front desk rang for the taxi and they only use reputable companies.”
Bram hovers for a second and then folds himself back into his chair sulkily and then glares at me. “Are you putting a scarf on?”
“Why?” I ask in bemusement.
He gestures at my dress. “Your tits are just about hanging out of that for fuck’s sake. It’s a date not an appointment for a fuck with a customer.”
I gasp, so outraged that I don’t think I can speak, but luckily for Bram’s eardrums Sid grabs my pashmina, forces it round my shoulders and then half escorts me/half carts me across the room to the front door. “Never mind him,” he whispers. “You look beautiful babe. Have a good time.” He looks slightly sad suddenly. “Just …”
“Just what?”
“Don’t enjoy it too much Al.”
I stare at him wondering what he’s trying to say and then give up, giving him a hug and shouting to Mick and Matt to have a good night. Bram can go fuck himself.
Bram
The sound of the door closing echoes around the flat and ignoring their glances I pour myself a shot of whisky and down it deliberately, feeling it burn its way through me. I hope it burns away this massive weight of fucking misery that seems to sit there all the time lately but nothing seems to work on that.
I look up. “What?” I finally say crossly as they still stare at me. “Stop staring at me you freaks.”
Sid grins and picks up his own glass of water. He’s staying light on the booze at the moment, worried that it might make his willpower a bit light. However
, he happily sits with us drunks although we’d have stopped drinking if it made him uncomfortable. He looks at me carefully. “I had a call from Matt the other day. You’ll never guess who’s booked the theatre?” I wait and he laughs. “Only fucking Adele.”
“Never!” I exclaim, thanking him silently for changing the fucking subject.
Mick looks confused and looks at Matt. “Have you bought a theatre then?”
Sid gestures expansively something he’s always done when he’s in the zone. “Not him. My mate Matt from school who owns the theatre where we played the first night of the tour.”
Mick downs his drink. “Thought it was you,” he says to Matt who promptly rolls his eyes.
“Yes, because I have so much time to run a theatre in between fulfilling Bram’s demands for totally white flowers and Jo Malone candles burning in all his dressing rooms.”
I shoot him the finger and then nod at Mick. “You remember him from school. We used to call them Thing One and Thing Two to avoid confusion.”
“You mean you did,” Matt says dryly.
I smile at him. “Ah babe don’t be mad. You were always Number One. I have never thought of you as a Number Two.”
“Ugh,” he shudders.
Silence falls as we all pour fresh drinks and Mick shuffles the cards. I light a cigarette and inhale sharply trying hard to stay in the now and not focus on Alys. On her meeting that twat. On him holding her arm while he kisses her hello. On him looking down her fucking, sexy dress at her fucking, perfect tits. On them kissing and touching. On his hands on her hips. I swallow hard and only realise that I’m clutching my glass too hard when Matt reaches over and gently unfolds my fingers which are white around the stem.
“Bram,” he begins but I shake my head and he subsides. I cannot talk about this when every bone in my body is telling me to get up, to go down to that restaurant and push his fucking, perfect white teeth down his fucking throat, and then grab her, push her onto the table and fuck her until this awful, poisonous, bitter feeling goes away leaving me in peace again. I hate feeling like this.
“It’s jealousy,” Matt says gently, and I flush as I realise to my embarrassment that I have just said the last words out loud, and then I dismiss the embarrassment. Fucking hell I’ve held Sid’s head over a toilet bowl while he vomits and I’ve had threesomes with him. I’ve walked in on Matt banging a bloke before, and I’ve held Mick’s hand when he cried over his dad dying. If I can’t talk to them freely I don’t know who I would talk to.
“I hate it,” I say against my will.
Sid stirs. “Do you want her for yourself then mate?”
I shrug not wanting to say that I’ve already had her on that one unforgettable night and like some sad twat I’d waited for her to wake up the next morning, wanting for the first time in my life to try with a woman, only for her not to want me anyway.
How can I say that I can’t forget how she was that night - the taste of her, how she sounded and looked, and no matter how many women I fuck they can’t get her out of my head? How can I say that and then admit that she had already forgotten it by the time that she woke up? I think I’m almost an embarrassment to her now. That’s certainly something to keep to myself along with all my girly yearnings. No, I won’t say anything so instead I make myself smile like normal and then pull my cards towards me. “Poker anyone?”
Matt sighs but complies and for the next couple of hours we drink and play poker poorly as we get steaming drunk or sober if you’re Sid. Finally I pull the pot towards me giving a villain’s laugh and Matt rolls his eyes. ‘Steal my Girl’ by One Direction comes on the stereo at that point and I hum along.
Sid laughs. “Thinking of becoming the new member to replace Zayn are you?”
“Fuck off,” I say peaceably. “I could totally have been in a boy band.”
He chokes on his drink. “You’re certainly pretty enough.”
I smirk. “Why thank you Sidney. I knew that you secretly felt something for me. Admit it babe, Nell is just a beard isn’t she? She’s a poor substitute for my pretty, little ass.”
He frowns at her name and then snorts. “Fuck off, what an unpleasant thought. Anyway you’d have been absolutely shit in a boy band.”
I sit up indignantly. “Fuck off, I’d have been the best one.”
“Bram, you can’t dance for shit.”
“I fucking can.”
“You can’t,” he smirks. “In fact I’d have been better in Take That than you.”
Mick nods sagely. “You’d have been Robbie, Sid for sure.”
Sid sighs. “Do I always have to be the druggie person in every scenario that we ever discuss?”
Mick nods again, looking remarkably like one of those dogs that sit in the back of cars. “Yes you do. If you’d have been in the Spice Girls you’d have been Druggie Spice.”
“Would you fuck have been Robbie,” I say crossly. “You’d have been Mikey Graham from Boyzone. Just a tiny bit forgettable.”
Sid smirks. “I bet I can boy band dance better than you.”
Mick perks up. “Boys, boys there’s an easy way to prove it.” We look at him, Matt blinking like a drunken owl. “Dance off!” he shouts.
I rub my hands together and down my drink. “I’m game. Has anyone got anything boy bandy?”
Sid looks blank and Mick sighs. “Haven’t you got any?”
I huff indignantly. “No I fucking haven’t. You’re always taking the piss out of my iPod.”
Matt looks through his phone. “I’ve got some Coldplay.”
Sid and I instantly scoff. “You can’t boy band dance to Coldplay.”
“I’ll download some then,” he says. “What do you want?” We all gather around looking in silence until I snap my fingers.
“’Relight my Fire’. Download that babe.”
I kick off my shoes and Sid starts laughing. “What are you doing you fool?”
“I’m going to boy band the fuck out of you Hudson.”
Alys
I stare across the table at Eddie and wonder where I’ve left my mind these days. He’s gorgeous, being blond haired and tall with deep blue eyes and he’s got a lovely personality. He’s warm, funny and intelligent, and he’s single-handedly carried the conversation all night. I feel tremendously guilty because for all these attributes he’s not Bram and apparently that’s all I need to make everything feel right. I sigh at the thought and then looking up I blush bright red as I catch his gaze which is sparkling with humour.
He throws down his napkin and smiles kindly at me. “Well Alys I’ve had better dates I have to say.”
I bury my head in my hands for a second and then peek back at him. “I’m so sorry. It’s not you …”
He holds up his hand laughing hard. “Please don’t finish that sentence or you’ll make this into more of a really corny film.” I look at him confused and he makes a valiant attempt to stop laughing. “You know the one where this gorgeous bloke. That’s me by the way.” I smile and wave him on. “Well he takes this beautiful girl out and the audience sees them through the windows of an expensive restaurant sitting closely together and they think that this is the end of the film. Unfortunately, that’s not the end of the film but only five minutes in the middle because this bloke, he’s not even the main character. He’s a side character that exists to bring home to the girl and the audience that she’s really in love with the hero and has been all the way through the film.” He smiles. “Exit, side character.”
I stare at him. “You must really watch a lot of films.” He laughs and I groan. “I’m so sorry. You’re so lovely and normally I’d jump at you like a cat on a mouse.”
He grins. “I’m not flattered at being the mouse in this scenario. I’m more of a wolf - wild and dangerous.” He sobers. “I presume it’s Bram?”
“What? No, why would you think that?”
He smirks. “Mainly because I’ve always got on really well with him. He’s funny, laidback and easy going to a fault
. However, since Charlie gave me your number he seems to have had a mysterious personality transplant. He’s now rude, surly and has apparently invented a thousand ways to say ‘fuck off’ without bothering with the actual words.”
“That’s terrible. I’m so sorry.”
He smiles. “Don’t be babe. Once he knows that we’re going nowhere I presume that he’ll go back to being his normal sunny self.”
“I don’t know why he did that. I suppose he’s a bit over protective.”
“He passed overprotective in twenty seconds and went straight to the ‘I want to tear your throat out’ and you don’t know why?” He raises one perfect, blonde eyebrow his face glaringly gorgeous, and I groan inside at what I’m passing up and then I shake my head.
“I think it’s because I’m like a little sister to him.”
He laughs out loud at this throwing his head back in abandon. “Oh my God, only if this is the plot for ‘Flowers in the Attic’.”
I wrinkle my nose. “Ugh, that’s disgusting.”
“There’s a grain of truth in it babe. That man wants you and I’m damn sure that he doesn’t want anyone else to have you.”
“He doesn’t want me. He had that and …”
I break off mortified but he smiles kindly. “Babe, Bram for all his easy going nature strikes me as a very complicated man underneath. I don’t know what his deal is but his behaviour this week indicates that there’s some strong feelings going on. Perhaps you need to speak to him because that man wants you. Maybe there’s been some sort of misunderstanding.”
I open my mouth to disagree but then a memory of his face and body language that morning hits me, but it’s like looking at a picture and realising that there’s another interpretation of it. It skews everything a different way and I wonder whether all this mess is my fault.
He was nervous and on edge and I’d thought it was because he was going to have to let me down gently, but could it have been because he wanted to try? I wince inside because if that was the case I must have really hurt him with my careful speech about it being nothing. I remember Viv’s words and I hurt inside that somehow I’ve been responsible for adding to the way that he thinks about himself. Me who loves him. I sigh and look at Eddie who smiles gently.
