Sexy and Funny, Hilarious Erotic Romance Bundle

by Mimi Strong

People were yelling, and someone was screaming.

  Shawn pulled me back to safety, and we moved to the edge of the stage just as the technician killed the spotlights.

  There she was.

  Sharise.

  She looked like a demon, like the scariest person I'd ever seen outside of a horror movie.

  Those chairs had to be heavy, and she was picking up another one.

  A bouncer grabbed her by the arm, but he wasn't that big of a guy, and with one well-placed punch in the face from Sharise, he was down on the ground, clutching his bleeding nose.

  Shawn was yelling at her, trying to tell her to calm down, saying he would never hit a woman, but if he came at me, he'd have to put her down.

  She had the dog, Princess, with her, and the poor thing was cowering in her purse.

  Seeing that sweet pooch so afraid must have turned on something primal in me, because what I did next, I didn't even think about.

  I picked up a pitcher of beer from a nearby table, and threw it on Sharise's face—the beer, and the plastic pitcher.

  Covered in beer and stunned by the pitcher hitting her on the face, Sharise looked around, confused.

  I lunged forward, scooped up Princess in my arms, then grabbed Shawn by the hand and dragged him off the stage, behind the bar, and through the brightly-lit kitchen.

  The cook and dish washer looked up in stunned surprise as we ran through, me with Princess in my arms.

  We pushed our way out the back door, into the alley, and we didn't stop running until we were three blocks away.

  Sharise didn't seem to be coming after us, so we stopped to catch our breath, and Princess sniffed around at a patch of grass in the alley. I was definitely not in the big city, as even the alleys here were green and country-like.

  Shawn grabbed me from behind and pressed his body into me. His cock was hard, inside his jeans, and he ground it into my butt and my lower back.

  My heart was still pounding from the running and the fight.

  He turned me around and kissed me hungrily, pushing me back, into a fence. I lowered my hand to his crotch and felt his big cock in there, so stiff. As we kept kissing, not speaking, I opened the front of his jeans and grasped it in my hands.

  He lunged into my hand, thrusting his hips urgently. The slick moisture was coming out of the head, lubricating my hands, making everything slip together.

  I ducked out from between him and the tall fence, then guided him to put his back against the wall.

  Then, without speaking, I crouched down and took him in my mouth.

  He moaned and pulsed his cock in and out of my mouth, timidly at first, and then with more power, driving himself deeper and deeper, until I had to use both hands to hold him back so I didn't choke.

  A car was approaching, driving slowly through the alley toward us. I turned and watched out of the corner of my eye as I continued to suck while tugging at his shaft with one hand, slick from my saliva and his pre-come. We didn't have much time before the car would drive past us.

  The dog was safely off at the side of the alley, near me, so I didn't have to worry about her.

  Shawn didn't seem to be aware of the car, as his eyes were shut. I didn't care that much either. So what if someone saw? Maybe it would give them a boner and then they'd go home and give their wife the fucking of her life.

  I wanted to satisfy Shawn, to feel the rush of his juices flooding my mouth, so I increased the suction and moved my hand quicker, as though I was trying to suck the whole cock down my throat. It was so big, the skin so tasty, and it pulsed with power.

  That cock, that gorgeous cock. I could have it every day. In my mouth, in my pussy, anywhere. I licked the ridge around the head, licked the lovely helmet like ice cream, then took it all in again.

  His breathing stopped, and I felt everything pulse and bulge in my hand, in my mouth. With a gasp, he let go.

  His hot seed spurted into my mouth as he thrust his hips. I normally wouldn't have swallowed, but I was caught up in the moment, and I eagerly drank him, sucking and swallowing every last drop.

  When he was finished, and no more was coming out, I pulled it from my mouth, licked once around the head for good measure, and then tucked him in. He was completely stunned, so I had to do up his jeans for him, and then, when the car drove by, I was kneeling down patting the dog on the head and Shawn was standing against the fence with a dopey smile on his face. The guy driving the car looked our way, as though he knew, but he kept driving.

  Shawn bent down and rubbed my back. “That was incredible,” he said.

  I smiled up at him. “Anywhere, any time, anything.”

  He shook his legs out, stretched, and then relaxed against the fence, his hands tucked casually into his pockets. “I am so sorry about what happened at the pub,” Shawn said.

  My hands and legs were shaking, but I didn't know if it was from the fight, the running, or the excitement of being with Shawn, sucking him off in an alley. In an alley!

  I said, “I feel sorry too. But wait, neither of us should be sorry. We didn't do anything wrong.”

  He reached down to hold my shaking hands, then raised them to his lips as I stood. He kissed my mouth, and my fingers.

  He said, “I think it's safe to say I'm completely over Sharise.”

  I glanced down at Princess, still sniffing at grass. “You'll have to return her dog.”

  “She's actually my dog,” he said. “I got her from a rescue pet place, and a few months ago, Sharise decided Princess was a great fashion accessory. She treats her well enough, but… Princess is staying with me now.”

  I kissed Shawn on the lips, the cheeks, the chin. “You'll keep her safe,” I said.

  He looked around, seeming nervous, which was only logical.

  “Come back to my room at the B&B,” I said.

  “Twist my arm,” he said.

  The three of us (including Princess) went to the lovely old home with the gingerbread wood detailing and the lush rose gardens, and I led Shawn up to my room.

  We'd stopped at a drug store on the way, so he could buy some of the dog's favorite food, as well as some other things he wouldn't let me see. I got a peek while we were walking up the stairs to my room and spotted the familiar shape of an aerosol can. At first I thought hairspray, then I realized… whipped cream.

  We went into my room.

  Now that I had an actual man with me, a hot-blooded, baseball-playing man, the twee bedroom seemed like the girliest place in the universe, with doilies on everything, and pink, pink, pink.

  I said to Shawn, “The owners of the B&B are gay.”

  “You think?” He handed me a can of dog food for Princess, who'd decided I was her new mommy and was circling my feet eagerly.

  Shawn said, “Yeah, I know Al and Bryan. Nice guys. Bryan sneaks over for ice cream after he does the grocery shopping. He thinks Al doesn't know, but he does. Al says that Bryan likes the ice cream better when it's stolen, forbidden.”

  “Really?” I opened the can of dog food for Princess and used a tea saucer to feed her.

  With Princess taken care of, I sat on the edge of the bed and said, “Forbidden ice cream is sweeter?”

  Shawn didn't answer, but licked his lips and crouched down like he was about to pounce on me.

  I pushed myself back on the bed, onto my back, and waved him in.

  He landed on the bed next to me and then rolled over me. “Steamroller!”

  We laughed and I steamrolled him right back.

  Then we started to kiss again, and things got serious. The heat returned to my loins. I wanted him. Again. I wanted him to make love to me, over and over again, forever.

  I pushed away from him, saying, “You should check out the shower in this room.”

  He whipped off his shirt as he got up from the bed, started unbuckling his jeans, and raced ahead of me, into the bathroom. Within seconds, he had the water on and called back, “Get in here! Old houses like this have small hot water tanks, don't they?�
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  I pulled off my dress and underwear and dropped them on the floor.

  Princess was done her dinner, so I took a pillow off the bed, patted it, and she climbed right on and bedded down. “Good girl,” I said, and she gave me a doggie smile.

  Shawn called out that the shampoo was really nice, but he needed someone to wash his back.

  I walked into the bathroom, completely naked and intensely aware of it.

  Although we'd been intimate, we hadn't seen each other like this.

  My self-consciousness about my own body and too-wide hips disappeared when I saw his body. Not because there were flaws. There weren't. But because it was the kind of body that makes you forget everything.

  Behind the glass door, he had his arms up, washing his hair, and he looked exactly like he was posing for an underwear catalog ad, only… he didn't have any underwear on. The hair on his chest was sparse, but wet, dark ringlets of hair ran between his legs.

  I'd almost forgotten men had so much hair down there. Lars had been shaving his balls for years, because he thought it felt better. (He also felt it made his dick look bigger.) I didn't mind the shaving, but… seeing all the beautiful, natural hair on Shawn made me crazy.

  I climbed into the shower and immediately sunk my fingers into those curls.

  “I'm hairier than you,” he said, glancing at my pussy, which was trimmed close, as per the demands of Lars.

  “I like the natural look,” I said, standing close and stretching up to kiss him. As we kissed, standing under the hot spray of water, I felt his manhood nudging my hands, growing again, though I was barely touching it.

  He grabbed my ass and said, “You're too short.”

  I frowned. “Thanks.”

  “No, I mean look at this.” He humped his hips into me, the head of his now-firm cock poking at my rib cage. “Shower sex isn't gonna work, my lovely.”

  “Then I guess we'll just shower, and save the sex for dessert.”

  I hit the button that made the other shower head come on, so now we were being sprayed on both sides.

  “Magic!” he exclaimed.

  “Custom plumbing,” I said. “One of the guys is a plumber, I believe.”

  I washed my hair as Shawn gathered some liquid soap in his hands and thoroughly massaged and washed my breasts, stroking my firm nipples. I got ticklish when he did my armpits.

  Next, I washed his chest, his back, and his nice, round buttocks.

  The water temperature shifted to cold, as predicted, so we quickly rinsed off and got out.

  After toweling off, I hung my towel on the towel dryer, and walked out to the bed.

  The dog was happily snoozing, unconcerned.

  I got a little self-conscious, and offered Shawn some coffee, pointing to the antique wood sideboard that was fully stocked by the B&B owners.

  He locked gazes with me as he pulled the can of whipped cream from his shopping bag and gave it a shake.

  “Oh, my!”

  His voice low and throaty, he moved toward me and said, “I'm gonna make you a banana split.”

  As he climbed onto me, on the bed, I reached for his cock and squeezed it. “You mean you'll put whipped cream on your banana?”

  “Nope. I'm gonna make you into a banana split. Close your eyes.”

  I closed my eyes, my knees locked together in nervousness. If he tried to put the whipped cream near my vagina, I was going to have to stop him, because I didn't think that would be healthy, but I didn't have to worry, because he used my breasts and stomach to make the banana split, covering me with lines of whipped cream.

  I opened my eyes and looked down at myself. I looked delicious! “Hurry, or it'll melt,” I said.

  He wasted no time licking the whipped cream off my stomach, my navel, my breasts, and my nipples. He moved his body up onto mine and let a little of his weight fall on my chest as he kissed me. His body was hot and ready, and as our lips enjoyed each other, his manhood was seeking my opening, nudging down between my legs.

  I felt a rush of urgency, of desire. I wanted him, and I didn't want to mess around with the whipped cream any more.

  I parted my legs and opened myself to him, inviting.

  He slid back down my chest, a little sticky from the whipped cream, licking the whole way.

  When he got to my legs, which had protectively pulled back together, he slid his tongue down the top of my folds, over my clit.

  That area of me is quite sensitive, but enjoys gentle licks, so I told him such.

  He said, “I love that you're telling me what you like. I want to give you as much pleasure as I can. Don't hold back, okay?”

  I started to respond, but his tongue had gone back down and he was licking at me. Licking me like I was ice cream.

  Sighing happily, I parted my legs.

  He shifted to get comfortable, seemingly into the activity for as long as it took, and he kept going, licking. Licking in circles, and then up and down.

  I was so relaxed with Shawn, so comfortable after our evening together and the hot shower, that when I had an orgasm, it was unexpected. There were almost no starbursts leading up to it, and the light came and washed over me with bliss. When it stopped, I looked down at Shawn. He looked almost as happy as I felt.

  He said, “Best banana split ever.”

  I glanced down at his manhood, which was firm and ready. I said, “What's next on the menu? Do you want me to turn you into a banana split? I like whipped cream.”

  He pointed to my pussy. “I'd like that, again.”

  I waved him up with both hands and he climbed onto me. We'd bought a package of condoms at the store, and he put one on. We hadn't used one at the beach, but it just seemed right.

  He kissed my neck and then the side of my face as he eased himself in. I was soaking wet, from the pleasure, and from his saliva, and he slid in easily this time. I still gasped at the sensation of him filling me.

  Holding his weight up mostly with his arms, he moved his whole body up and down, and then pinned me down and moved just his hips. We went back and forth like this until his movements became less coordinated.

  He stopped and looked me in the eyes. “Do you mind if… oh, I shouldn't ask.”

  “What?” I panicked, briefly, wondering what it could be that he was having a hard time asking for.

  He said, “I'd love to change positions so that I'm behind you. And you're up on your knees.”

  “You mean, doggie style?”

  He winced. “I'm sorry. That's too dirty. I shouldn't have asked.”

  I laughed. “Are you kidding? That sounds fantastic.” I didn't mention it was one of my favorite positions, I just nudged him off me and rolled over.

  I got into position, holding the headboard with one hand and the bed with the other.

  He inserted himself again, moving slowly at first. I was wet and ready, hungry for him to fill me up.

  “Grab my hips with both hands and don't move them,” I said.

  He didn't answer verbally, just grabbed on, and moved a little faster.

  His breathing changed, like he was having difficulty holding back. Between gasps, he said, “You have such a beautiful back… wow… I can see your whole back, and it's so beautiful.”

  I tilted my hips up to allow him deeper access to the depth of my vagina, and he thrust harder, filling me up with ecstasy.

  I was surprised to feel a warmth in my clit area.

  He came, his cock deep inside me, thrusting hard against my hips, and, to my surprise, I came as well. This orgasm was hot and warm and emanated from deep within. The light washing over me was a hot pink.

  He pulled me down into him, merging us together.

  We collapsed together on the bed, lying on our sides, with him still inside me. He draped an arm over my side and kissed my shoulder, once.

  I snuggled into his arm and kissed his knuckles.

  He gently withdrew, and we lay like that, quiet, until he fell asleep.

  Once he was fast a
sleep, I grabbed the spare blanket and pulled it over him. I went to the washroom to wash myself up and brush my teeth, then I returned to the bed.

  I kissed him on the forehead and snuggled in next to him.

  As I fell asleep, I wondered at the fact that I'd had sex with someone so wonderful, on my honeymoon. If I'd married Lars, it would not have been anywhere near as perfect.

  In the morning, we made love again, with tenderness and urgency, as though our desire had grown with each hour spent in the same bed. It was my last day in town, and when we were done, I told him.

  He held my hand under the covers as we lay together and said, “I knew you'd have to go, but I didn't think it would be so soon. I wanted to take you to this cool waterfall, not far from here.”

  “That sounds nice, but I have to ...” I glanced over at the pink clock. “Oh no! The driver will be here to pick me up in ten minutes!”

  I jumped out of bed and began frantically packing my things.

  Princess jumped up and wagged her tail. She'd woken me up once in the middle of the night to go to the washroom outside, but we'd all slept in, and it was time for her to walk and get fed again.

  “Let me drive you to the airport,” he said.

  “No, no, it's all booked. It's taken care of.”

  He climbed out of bed and pulled on his underwear and jeans. “Send your ride away. I'll drive you. That way I can spend more time with you.”

  “No, Shawn. You're just going to make it more difficult for me.”

  We stared at each other, at an impasse.

  He said, “Fine, but you take Princess.”

  I picked the dog up and hugged her. The idea was so sudden, and yet, I was instantly sure. I wanted someone to love, in my life, and I would happily take her. “Why?”

  “If I have Princess, Sharise will try to… dognap her or something. She'd break into my house, I bet. Princess will be safer with you.”

  Someone knocked on the door to the room.

  He called out, “Laura? It's Bryan. The car service is here. He's a bit early, but Al is feeding him scones.”

  I cracked the door open and thanked Bryan, telling him I'd be down as quickly as I could.

  I pulled on some clothes, swiped my toiletries into my suitcase, and started for the door. Shawn was dressed and waiting.