Lieutenant Columbus

by Walter Knight

  “Why Columbus?”

  “Probably because they are both Italian Mafia wise guys.”

  “Vampires in the Legion?” Smith turned to me. “Czerinski, do you know anything about this?”

  “It all sounds like crazy talk to me,” I answered. “There is no such thing as vampires.”

  “Just like there is no such thing as the Mafia,” scoffed the ATM.

  “Columbus arrested Garcia,” argued Agent Smith. “What went wrong?”

  “Lovers’ spat?” offered the ATM.

  “Smart-ass machine,” commented Agent Smith. “The sooner it’s melted down and recycled, the better.”

  “You’ve got that right,” I agreed.

  “I want to talk to Lieutenant Columbus immediately,” announced Agent Smith, leaving. “I’ll be back.”

  I stayed.

  “Can we make a deal?” asked the ATM.

  “You no longer have anything I want.”

  “Yet you stayed to talk to me in private.”

  “I’m listening.”

  “I promise to keep quiet about the size of that earlier financial transaction, and about the time machine,” offered the ATM. “In exchange, you will help me escape. I do not want to die.”

  “You aren’t alive. You’re just a dumb machine.”

  “Believe what you want. I still do not want to die. Do we have a deal?”

  “Sure,” I agreed. “But you will be exiled. Are you waterproof?”

  “Of course,” bragged the ATM. “I am the latest model, state-of-the-art, absolutely the last ATM you will even need.”

  “Good, because you will be swimming with the fishes and the newts.”

  * * * * *

  Arthropodan marine medics strapped Captain Percy face down on the cold hard operating table. A bright overhead light illuminated the focus of their attention on her subtly rounded butt.

  “See how the human pestilence Legion hides their identification tracking chip in this disguised miniature puss sac,” advised the medic team leader. “It is very ingenious.”

  “Help!” cried Captain Percy. “If you fiendish pervert aliens probe me, it will be war!”

  “Hush child,” ordered the team leader, applying a local anesthetic. “This will not hurt a bit.”

  The team leader made a small incision, probing with a scalpel. He frowned.

  “That is odd. There is no chip!”

  He checked the X-ray again, then peered down on Percy’s ass with a magnifying glass.

  “I got it! Oops, wrong side.”

  “What do we do?” asked a panicked medic. “The commander will be pissed.”

  The team leader reached in his pouch, and slapped a square of duct tape across the wound.

  “Ha! Another use for duct tape!” he exclaimed, making a note for the medical journals. “Get ready, we’re going in again.”

  “You incompetent bumbling idiot!” screamed Captain Percy. “I’ll bet your penis is only an inch long, you pompous, over-compensating, piss poor excuse for a male of any species. El Chapo strikes again!”

  “How did she know my measurement details?” asked the team leader, alarmed.

  “The chart says she is a psychiatrist,” advised the medic. “Shrinks know stuff. They’re psychic.”

  This time the team leader triumphantly held the micro chip up for all to see. He slapped matching duct tape on the other side.

  * * * * *

  General Daly called me for an update. “Good work catching Garcia, Czerinski. You’ve done the Legion proud! Everyone involved is getting a Presidential Citation.”

  “Thank you, sir.”

  “How is the FBI investigation progressing?” asked General Daly. “I’ve met Agent Smith. He’s an odd duck. I think the director sent him to New Colorado to get the fool as far away from real investigations as possible. He fancies himself some sort of X-files expert.”

  “There are many odd ducks swimming in my pond, sir. I think you are right about Smith.”

  “Keep an eye on him.”

  “He did ask about vampires.”

  “That’s exactly what I’m talking about. Steer that fool away from such rumor-mongering. I don’t want a dark cloud over all the good press we’re getting.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Hey, how about that Lieutenant Columbus? He’s a real go-getter! Groom that boy for captain bars.”

  Yes, sir. Lieutenant Columbus is a fine young officer.”

  “Have you seen mental health professional Priscilla Percy?” asked General Daly, continuing down his list. “She turned up missing after filing an interview with Lieutenant Columbus.”

  “She went back to New Phoenix, sir.”

  “If Percy returns, call me. Also, I have a complaint one of your Democrats is missing, too. Are you abusing prisoners again? Christ man, don’t you know this is an election year?”

  “I have never abused prisoners, not even Democrats.”

  “His friends say you ordered a Jerry Brown, Junior, thrown to the newts.”

  “That’s ridiculous sir. Newts are vegetarians. All they eat is seaweed.”

  “I don’t care what you say! Newts have teeth, don’t they? That means they can eat Democrats!”

  “Sir, I can’t keep track of every candle-carrying protester running loose. Democrats should have never been allowed past Mars.”

  “It’s called freedom.”

  “If you say so, sir.”

  “Czerinski, I do not have time to micro-manage every wayward Democrat that passes your way. Find that fool and ship him back to the Left Coast junior college he crawled out from under!”

  “Yes, sir.”

  * * * * *

  Major Lopez and I met Lieutenant Columbus on the dam for a chat. Corporal Tonelli kept busy on the phone while his pet monitor dragon, Spot, chewed lazily on a newt bone.

  “Is there anything we need to know?” I asked. “Anything you haven’t told us?”

  “Are you going to ask me stupid questions about a time machine?” replied Lieutenant Columbus. “I told that FBI fool I know nothing.”

  “I already know about the time machine,” I explained. “What I did not know until now was that it worked, and had been used. Are you the real Christopher Columbus?”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Amazing. I don’t like surprises, but I’m honored to meet you. What about Garcia’s accusation of recruiting soldiers from history to lead a coup?”

  “I swore an oath to defend America from all enemies, foreign and domestic. I will not mutiny.”

  “Nobody from a grand conspiracy has approached you?”

  “No, sir.”

  “If you are approached, report to me.”

  “I will kill the traitors. A good stretch on the rack would be too good for them.”

  “Just report anyone suspicious, so they can be interrogated. We want to catch them all.”

  “Do you know anything about vampires?” asked Major Lopez. “Chupacabras?”

  “There is no such thing,” answered Lieutenant Columbus. “It’s all superstitious nonsense to scare children and ignorant peasants.”

  “I hope so,” commented Major Lopez.

  “You still do not remember our first meeting?” Columbus asked.

  “No, but I have something for you,” advised Major Lopez, producing a small battered diary from his pouch. “This is yours.”

  * * * * *

  Lieutenant Columbus and Shaky Jake returned to Smokey’s Casino, intent on confronting the female scorpion restroom attendant. It had been a trying day, and Columbus wanted answers. Most important on his list, Columbus wanted verification that he had actually talked to God about the world being flat, and there was only one way to do that.

  Shaky Jake was against such folly. “Your body builds resistance to scorpion venom with each dose. It is the same with licking newts. You will never talk to God again, unless you die.”

  “I must try,” replied Lieutenant Columbus, determined as ever as
he tapped the scorpion guard on the shoulder with his sword. “I still won’t pay your stinking twenty cents tribute to pass, toilet bowl breath.”

  “A glutton for punishment?” exclaimed the geriatric female scorpion.”Do you want me to spank you, too? Have you been a bad boy?”

  “He wants to get high off your sting,” explained Shaky Jake. “It would behoove you not to kill him. Colonel Czerinski would be upset if you killed an officer.”

  “It only takes one drop from my telson in your beer to experience the hallucinatory delight and terror, if you dare.”

  Lieutenant Columbus ordered a mug of Outlaw Beer. The scorpion allowed Lieutenant Columbus to squeeze the meat of her telson. She shuddered with joy, producing a single toxic drop of venom. Columbus drank heartily. The effect was immediate. Demons danced seductively in his mind, causing joyous terror to the bone. Lieutenant Columbus fell, crashing into tables and chairs.

  “I’m getting lucky tonight!” sang the scorpion female, leering as she threw Columbus over her shoulder and carried him inside the ladies’ restroom, locking them in a toilet stall. “You hot, gorgeous human fur ball!”

  Shaky Jake thought about saving Lieutenant Columbus, but then thought better of it. “I told him it was a bad idea, but do officers ever listen? No!” In good conscience, Shaky Jake washed his claws of all responsibility. Most officers can’t be saved from themselves.

  * * * * *

  Lieutenant Columbus never did speak to God. However, he did explore new worlds, where no man should ever go. Columbus was discovered the next day naked, racing Hargundu through downtown Monica City. Medics treated Columbus for dehydration, shock, and a missing big toe. It was bitten off. “Welcome to the club,” I commended. “You’re fitting in well.”

  For his own good, I tossed Lieutenant Columbus in jail. He shared the dungeon with the traitorous ATM and a lone Democrat. The next day, Columbus was promoted to captain.

  After the promotion ceremony, Columbus’s cellmate was forced to walk the plank. Captain Columbus wheeled the ATM to the dam. Corporal Tonelli had constructed a ramp overlooking the lake. A drum roll added drama to the event. Tourists looked on, obviously wondering what the legionnaires were up to this time. Captain Columbus read a short poem as TV cameras zoomed in.

  My country tis of thee,

  Sweet land of liberty.

  Home of humanity,

  Forever shall it be.

  Betraying your country,

  Wondrous land of the free,

  You are pronounced guilty,

  By Colonel Czerinski.

  Your metal soul shall be

  Banished for all to see,

  For all Eternity,

  Into the deep blue sea.

  “Goodbye, cold cruel world!” cried the ATM. “I was the last ATM you ever needed!”

  Captain Columbus pushed the ATM off the plank. With a splash, the ATM floated a short distance, then – bubble, bubble, bubble – listed to one side and sank. The crowd cheered, throwing beer bottles at its wake. The ATM settled gently to the bottom, next to Garcia.

  In a magnanimous gesture, I pardoned the lone Democrat left in jail of all high crimes and misdemeanors. He defiantly lit a candle for the poor ATM. Circle of life.

  back to Table of Contents

  Chapter 9

  It was a busy week. I sat at my usual table at Smokey’s Casino, waiting for the poker players to show up. It was a good crowd. Captain Columbus limped to the bar, joining Ranger Bogani and Corporal Tonelli.

  “The snob joins us,” commented Bogani, already drunk and about to fall off his stool. “You think you’re tough just because you made captain, and they gave you a medal?”

  “What’s your problem, tree-fuzz?” asked Captain Columbus, arrogantly. “You want to start something?”

  Corporal Tonelli got between the two. “Don’t mind Ranger Ron, he’s drowning his troubles. Florida got stomped by Texas again in the Cotton Bowl. Ron was all in.”

  “You’re a Gators fan?” scoffed Captain Columbus, catching up on drinks. “That figures, being a fish cop.”

  “Who allowed you to drink with us?” slurred Bogani. “Genoese snob!”

  “Sicilian scum,” goaded Captain Columbus. “Baptized Arab!”

  Captain Columbus’s venomous attention was suddenly diverted to Private John Iwo Jima Wayne, the biggest, baddest, most ill-tempered spider in the Foreign Legion, as Wayne sat down on the other side of Columbus and ordered a drink. “You spiders think you can do as you please with no consequence for your criminality?” Captain Columbus railed, grabbing Wayne by the collar. “Abduct and rape our womenfolk with impunity? Terrorize the countryside? Letting you shifty spiders in the Legion was our biggest mistake.”

  Wayne shoved Columbus away. “Fuck you.”

  “Rome let belligerent natives like you in their legions. Look what happened to Rome!”

  “At least I don’t have sex with disease-ridden scorpions,” replied Wayne. Obviously he was not really in the mood to kill an officer this early in the afternoon. “How is your foot, Stubby?”

  Captain Columbus punched Wayne, knocking the big spider off his stool. Wayne came up off the floor, brandishing a large jagged combat knife. In a flash, Columbus drew his sword. “You call that a knife?” taunted Captain Columbus. “This is a knife!” He backed Wayne against the bar. No one had ever done that before and lived.

  “This is a sawed-off shotgun,” warned Wayne, drawing the concealed weapon with a free claw. “Prepare to meet the Grim Reaper, human pestilence.”

  As quick as the fight started, Captain Columbus lost interest, brushing past the baffled Wayne to confront the spider commander and his bodyguards, just arriving for the poker game. Tonelli tried to grab Columbus in time, but Columbus was too quick. Tonelli and Bogani trailed after.

  “I invoke the vendetta against that foul evil spider,” swore Captain Columbus, pointing at the spider commander, now seated at my poker table. “He will pay with his life.”

  “You’re Genoese, remember?” slurred Bogani. “Only Italians can invoke the vendetta. We invented the vendetta!”

  “Genoese invented Italians,” advised Captain Columbus, dismissively. “Do not tell me I cannot invoke the vendetta.”

  “You need a good reason to invoke the vendetta,” advised Corporal Tonelli. “You’re just drunk.”

  “That spider officer abducted and molested my true love, Priscilla,” replied Captain Columbus as he reached my table. “I will take an eye for an eye!”

  “A hand for a claw!” cheered Bogani, being macho. “A foot for another claw, a claw for a foot. Off with the pervert’s testicles!”

  “You abducted the fair Priscilla from my very bed, you scurrilous fiend!” accused Captain Columbus, thrusting his sword to the spider commander’s throat. “I will run you through if you have sullied her in the slightest manner!”

  “The female shrink?” asked the spider commander, innocently. “Why would I harm her?”

  “Captain, put the sword down,” I ordered. “Have you lost your mind?”

  “The days of appeasing these treacherous spiders are over! Return my beloved, or die!”

  “I see discipline in the Legion has run amuck, as usual,” commented the spider commander, reaching for his communications pad. “Who are you?”

  Columbus pressed the sword up on the commander’s chin. “Captain Christopher Columbus is all you need to know. Order Priscilla’s return. Do it now.”

  “Yes, of course, I was meaning to release her per treaty, anyway. Your Captain Percy was arrested for poaching the giant newt. She’s a newt-licker, you know.”

  “Liar!”

  The spider commander called base. “Release the female human pestilence. Bring her to Czerinski’s casino. Make it happen!”

  “And bring Smokey’s statue!” shouted Ranger Bogani, pushing to the front of the crowd. “Make that happen, too!”

  “And the bear, too,” added the spider commander, grimly. “Scratch off th
e provocative graffiti.”

  Captain Columbus sheathed his sword.

  “Happy now?” asked the spider commander. “Can we play poker now?”

  “Thank you,” replied Captain Columbus.

  “Care to join us. Do you play poker? I bet you’re good at it.”

  “Maybe next time. I’ll be waiting at the shore for Priscilla.”

  “There will be a reckoning for your human pestilence adventurism,” advised the spider commander as he dealt the cards, but Columbus was already out the door.

  * * * * *

  Spider marines paddled ashore with the lovely Priscilla. She kissed Chris Columbus passionately as he swept her away. Ranger Bogani, and the Scorpion City National Guard assisted the spiders with unloading Smokey. The statue’s raised arm was missing, but they rejoiced anyway. Scorpions danced along the beach, giving the spiders the one-fingered salute as they left. Someone shot off fireworks and a flare. Outlaw Beer flowed, newts were licked, and a grand time was had by all.

  * * * * *

  On MLK Day, I was required to deliver a diversity speech to the troops. It was the law, written somewhere in the Constitution. I think in the 51 Amendment. As was my custom, I delegated the task to a junior commander. I do not like public speaking and would rather face combat. Captain Columbus drew the duty this year. Columbus ordered Sergeant Green to write the speech for him. Green was pissed.

  As Captain Columbus stepped up to the podium, his communications pad flashed the speech. Major Lopez stood beside him for support. Columbus changed a few words at the last second. “Today we are joined together, one great and united American fist, projecting freedom across the galaxy, knowing we are alone, surrounded by bugs. Some of you joined the Legion years ago, others only recently. All are in for the duration. For whatever reason, you got off your butts and joined up.

  “Civilians wonder their whole lives whether they’ve made a difference. Legionnaires do not have that problem. We make a difference everywhere we go. We are the difference between humanity’s survival and extinction, between freedom and slavery.