Take a Breath (Take 1)

by Jaimie Roberts

  “Jessie, it’s me Ana.” She practically screams down the phone bursting my eardrums.

  “Ana, you never called, are you ok? It’s all over the news about what happened.”

  I had completely forgotten that this sort of thing would be going on outside these four walls. “Oh god, they haven’t printed my name have they?” I ask. “No, don’t worry, the papers keep ringing up hoping someone will let it slip who you are, but they ain’t got nothing girl. No one’s talking.”

  Thank goodness, that’s the last thing I need. “Thanks Jessie, how is everyone?”

  “As to be expected I think. Everyone is in shock at what happened to you and also shocked at who was behind it all this time. The papers are having a field day on that one. Jake’s got some damage control to contend with when he gets back.”

  Oh no, he must know this and yet he’s still here with me acting like nothing is happening. I feel the guilt come back again. Jake’s been keeping me in this heavenly bubble hiding me from what’s happening in the outside world.

  “Ana are you there? You know everything’s going to be ok don’t you? Jake knows what to do, that’s why he’s captain of this very close nit, tightly whipped ship he has here. Even though we’re a bunch of red necked wannabes.”

  I burst into laughter, “You always know how to cheer me up.”

  “Well, tell me how are you?” She asks.

  “I’m fine, a little sore but I’ll be right as rain in a couple of days no doubt. I will definitely be in next week. I just want to get back to work you know.” “Michael says you struck gold on that flasher case. The sicko’s where he belongs again in custody. You were also right on the burglaries it would seem. They have them both in now for questioning. Michael wanted to thank you in person. He said he misses you. We all miss you.”

  My heart feels overwhelmed by her words, “I’m delighted about that Jessie, that’s great. I miss you all too. Jessie, do me a favour and thank everyone for me for the flowers, and you too of course. They were beautiful.”

  “Of course I will. Can I come see you at the weekend?” She asks.

  “Yes, I’d like nothing more. Not Friday night though as we have company.”

  “Oh, who’s that then?”

  I tell her about Cindy and that she’s coming over for dinner, so she can meet Jake’s dad properly for the first time. We all want to become more acquainted seeing as she is now part of Matthew’s life. She tells me that her and Jerry are still going strong and are going out to dinner again tonight. I’m really happy for her. Both our lives seem to be going in a good direction now. We make arrangements for her to come over on Sunday afternoon before hanging up the phone.

  I get myself settled on the sofa after a nice shower noticing how nicely all the cuts seem to be healing. They seem to be fading now and some have disappeared all together. The bruises on my neck are still there, so I decide to wear the other polar neck dress that Jake bought me. It’s not nice as a constant reminder for Jake and Matthew to look at 24/7 so it’s better to hide it away and forgotten about. I just want them gone, as they are a reminder of Tony and what he did. He may be dead, but his finger marks are still evident on my flesh. I feel nauseated by the thought. To keep my mind off things I decide to go back outside and watch Jake and Matthew play ball. Jake’s bare torso is a welcome distraction as I watch his muscle flex, as he runs and kicks the ball. He looks over to me every now and then to make sure I’m ok and I just nod my head, transfixed on every pore of his glistening skin. He amazes me just how perfect he is in every way.

  After an hour or so they’re both finished playing ball and patting each other’s backs. Jake sits by me and holds my hand.

  “Dad, I’m going back in the pool to cool off.”

  Jake nods, “Ok son, I’ll join you in a bit.” Matthew takes a sprint back to the pool and dives in. “Are you ok?” He asks.

  “I’m fine. Just a bit worried that’s all. You’re not going to get into trouble over this Tony thing are you?” He waves me off dismissively.

  “No, of course not. Like everything it will all blow over. It always does.”

  I wasn’t satisfied, “Jake, I don’t need protecting. If there is something going on you can tell me. I’ll only find out when I go back to work on Monday anyway.”

  “Ana, I don’t think that’s a good idea,” he scoffs.

  “Why not?” I ask baffled.

  “You need your rest. You’ve been to hell and back and need to recuperate.”

  I shake my head, “I’m fine, stop fussing.”

  “Ana, I think you’re taking this whole thing a bit too well. You don’t talk about it, you just seem to be acting normal. It unnerves me.”

  “I can’t let him win Jake. If I’m a mess, it means all that he’s done was worth taking to the grave with him. I’m not letting him win; I refuse to give him the satisfaction.” A sudden tear wells up my eye and Jake quickly moves across to my chair and wraps his arms around me. “I need this Jake, I need to be normal. I need to get back to work and back to living my life.” Jake strokes my hair trying to calm me.

  “I know, it’s just the press are sniffing around at the moment trying to get your name. I would hate to think you went back to work and somehow they found you. I thought it would be a good idea if you just stayed at home a bit, rested and then hopefully the press will get bored and go away. I don’t want anything to hurt you Ana. You know that don’t you?”

  I nod my head in his shoulder, “I know that’s one of the reasons why I love you.” He pulls me away to look at me.

  “Just one of the reasons? What other reasons are there?”

  He gives me that mischievous smile, which soon lights up my heart making the tears cease. “I’m not really sure I should tell you. I know how big your head is and it will only make it harder for me to get you back inside the house.” I smirk at him suddenly feeling better.

  “Ha, ha, again with the big head joke. I’m going for a dip before my head explodes all over your lovely new dress and I wouldn’t want to spoil that in a million years. You look simply good enough to eat in it, but then you always do.”

  He winks at me and heads off, always knowing how to make me feel special and cherished.

  The rest of the week was very pleasant. Jake and I spent the mornings in bed together whilst our afternoons and evenings were spent with Matthew. Jake was a constant fussy bugger, but he let it slip how guilty he felt for not being with me when it all went down. He said that he had promised to keep me safe and that he didn’t hold down that promise. I kept trying to tell him that it wasn’t his fault and that he couldn’t have known what was going on. I told him that I was safe, I was shaken, but I was happy and although he wasn’t content it seemed to ease him a bit. There was a moment when we went to the local shops to get groceries and I thought I saw Tony. I was sitting in the car hyperventilating with Jake trying to calm me down. It was then he insisted I get in touch with Dr. Townsend and book an appointment which I reluctantly did for Friday morning.

  She was a lovely middle aged lady who tried to medicate me for the panic attacks, but I said I would prefer not to use medication. She then advised me that if I ever have one again there are some steps that should help me, such as focusing on something non frightening, taking slow deep breathing and to try and think of something positive. She even suggested that if I feel I see Tony again, to actually look properly at the person and I will soon see that it can’t be him, and that he cannot hurt me anymore. We scheduled for another appointment the following week and I then concentrated all my energies on the impending dinner that evening.

  Jake and I got all the ingredients from the supermarket. I insisted that I make everyone’s favourite Chicken Cacciatore and bought a Pecan Pie for dessert. It was important that I kept busy and Jake had no arguments when he saw what I was going to cook. The meal with Cindy was very pleasant and both her and Matthew were elated that school had finally finished. Talking with her was very easy and she seems to h
ave her head screwed on. She wants to follow in her father’s footsteps and become a Lawyer. Both Matthew and Cindy looked smitten and it was a joy to see such happiness surrounding the dinner table.

  Sunday soon came around and Jessie’s visit was short, but it was nice to finally see her again after so long. She spoke about what was happening at work and that nothing much has changed apart from the fact this new guy David Willis managed to sleep with one of the Police ladies there called Diana, and then didn’t speak to her after. That seems to be the new hot gossip going around the station at the moment. Sounds like I was right on first impressions then. I bet he and Tom are the new best friends. I wonder how Michael feels about that.

  Monday came as soon as Sunday had, and everyone at work was so supportive and gave me hugs. It was good to finally return to work and get back into the swing of things. The reporters had finally managed to find out that the girl in question works at the station, so they were hanging around outside trying to get more answers, or a possible glimpse of who was involved. One of them eyed me suspiciously which only just spurred on another panic attack. I had to quickly run to the toilets to try and ride it out. Jessie noticed and ran in after me and tried to calm me down. I was a mess for the rest of the day but tried my hardest not to think about it anymore. A couple of days later, this same reporter cornered me on the way to my car and tried to ask me questions, to which I screamed at him to fuck off and leave me alone. I drove off but not before he managed to get a snapshot of me. I rang and told Jake and he was furious. He tried looking for this reporter but he was nowhere to be seen, so probably escaped when he thought he had what he came for. The very next day my picture was posted in the Daily Newspaper with a caption of, ‘Is this the woman who captured the heart of a psycho killer?’ I was mortified and again I couldn’t go to work for a few days after, to try and hide from the incessant press breathing down my neck. Jake spoke to a Lawyer to see if we could sue the papers but we both felt it necessary to leave all well alone as pursuing this may cause more tabloid headlines, which I definitely couldn’t deal with right now. It was a hard couple of weeks, but just like always, it all died down and some other story about a senate having an affair was soon the biggest news everyone was talking about. I didn’t care as long as the pressure was finally off me.

  Chapter 31

  September was here before I knew it and I was in a much happier place. Jake and I have been in love as ever and wounds were healing physically and mentally. Dr Townsend was a big help and life seemed pretty damn awesome. The heat was getting a lot more bearable, but at the same time I was starting to feel a little depressed that summer was finally over. I was keen on getting back on track, so set up a date with Jessie and Mandy at Sam’s one evening. It was enjoyable apart from the fact that Jake was texting me every five minutes and wasn’t happy until he picked me up and took me home. He was right, some things never do change.

  On the last day of the working week I was with Jessie and thoroughly looking forward to my dinner with Jake that evening.

  “So why are you here, but the boss man isn’t today?” She asked.

  “Well he’s taking me to Leandro’s tonight and wanted to have today off so he could prepare.” The look on her face was priceless.

  “Leandro’s? Ana, this is huge. You know what this means don’t you? He’s going to put a ring on it.”

  I acted surprised, but couldn’t help that the thought had entered my mind also. “Do you think? I don’t know,” I mused.

  “Come on Ana, please. It has to be that. What are you wearing?”

  “I don’t know, I was kinda hoping you would come to the shops with me after work and help me choose an outfit.” Her face lit up.

  “Of course I will,” She beamed.

  The rest of the day seemed to drag on but then it always does when you’re trying to hurry time along. Jessie and I went to the local Fairfax Mall, where I bought a beautiful white fitted dress with black stripes down the side. It looked very elegant and fitting for any occasion.

  “Is that the dress that Ana Sinclair becomes Fiancée to Jake Bennett this evening I wonder?”

  I nudged Jessie but couldn’t escape the fixed grin on my face that never seemed to wane lately. We both then bought some new shoes for the autumn weather and Jessie a new handbag. By the time we were finished it was 6:30pm and I had to get back for reservations at 8pm.

  I rushed back home, singing along to the music on the way, excitement growing the closer I got to home. When I did get there I spot a Jeep parked outside the house. I pulled into the driveway and quickly made my way to the door. “Jake?” I cried. “Jake, I think you’ll love the new dress I bought.” No answer. I decide to go make my way into the kitchen. “Jake whose car is that parked…”

  It was then I find standing there my mother hands on Jake’s chest and looking a little plumper than normal, a smirk plastered across her damn face. Anger and confusion quickly emerge.

  “Ana, darling there you are. How are you? I heard about that awful mess and just had to come and see my baby.”

  Jake wasn’t looking at me. Why wasn’t he looking at me? “Jake?” I ask ignoring my mother completely. He stands there seemingly unable to look in my direction. “Jake?” I say again with more urgency and again there is nothing except this pained expression on his face. Is he ashamed of me?

  “Darling, aren’t you happy to see your mother? Jake and I have some news for you and we have been waiting for your return, so we can tell you all about it in person.”

  I didn’t want to hear anymore. I tried one more time. “Jake?” He squeezes his eyes shut and clenches his fists.

  “Ana, dear whatever’s the matter with you?”

  I looked one last time at Jakes deflated state, tears brimming in my eyes. Not knowing quite what was happening or what I was witnessing was real, I quickly about turned and rushed outside towards my car. All I heard when I left was my mother screaming my name. I start the car up and blaring through the speakers and tugging at my heart is 'Nothing Compares to You.' Why was I now being tortured like this? I grip the steering wheel willing myself to move, do something. I have to get out of here. I pull out of the drive tears stinging my eyes and rolling down my cheeks. Why did Jake let her in the house? Why did he ignore my cries? The sudden stabbing realisation hits that maybe he didn’t love me after all and I was just there as the gap to be filled by my mother. Now she’s back, he doesn’t need me anymore. My heart contorts in agony. How could he do this to me? The clouds in the sky get thicker and darker almost in tune with my mood.

  As I get on the route 7 the faint rumble of thunder is heard in the distance as the rain pelts heavily on my windscreen. My mind is racing with what I’ve just witnessed and pictures of them in my head make the nausea in my stomach grow tenfold. What possible news could my mother and Jake have? Have they gotten back together, is the marriage back on? I really didn’t want to know as the pain of knowing would be too unbearable and would destroy me. At the traffic lights I rest my head on the steering wheel and tightly shut my eyes, trying to erase Jake and my mother from my head, but it is only replaced by moments of Jake and I laughing, smiling, making love. I’m quickly brought out from my slumber with the sounds of horns blaring behind me, alerting me to the green light that has formed above my head. I put my car in drive and hit the accelerator. The pain in my stomach and my chest becomes so unbearable I don’t know how I make the journey, but when I pull in to Sunnyside Apartments, I switch off the ignition and fall back into my seat. I take some deep breaths, but no matter how much I try, the tears just keep on falling. The aching fire in my stomach is the worst pain I have ever felt. Of all the bad things that have happened to me in the past, nothing comes close to the pain I am in now. Not even the feel of Tony’s hands around my neck squeezing the life out of me bringing me close to death could compare to this. What am I going to do? How am I going to be able to live life without him? He was my heart and soul, the reflection in the mirror looking back at
me. My world, my all and nothing else matters to me in the universe but us being together, wrapped up tight in his protective arms, holding me, caressing me, making sweet love to me. He was and still is my everything. How could life without Jake be? The despair comes over me like a rash and the sobs that escape me are so harsh that it hurts my throat.

  I will myself to get out of the car. To take one foot in front of the other until I’ve reached Jessie’s apartment block, already soaked from the relentless downpour. The rain is coming down as fast as I shed my tears, so much so, I can’t tell which is which. A gentleman coming out of the door holds it open for me. He visibly winces when he sees me. I must look like a wretched mess. He gives me a sympathetic smile and looks like he’s in two minds whether to say something to me. I smile back and thank him seeing the kindness in his grey eyes. Even when I’m surrounded by ugliness, there can still be that one person who can make a difference and that’s exactly why I am here. I take the lift to the 4 floor and knock on Jessie’s door willing her to be home by now. She is the one person I can trust. The one person I can rely on after Jake has betrayed me so brutally. My heart and my head are pumping as I don’t know how much more agony I can take. I have never felt this way before. It is a pain I would never wish on anyone. Jessie finally answers the door and takes one look at me, the shock emanates on her face.