Judy Moody, M.D.: The Doctor is In! (Judy Moody)

by Megan McDonald

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  "Like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer!"

  "You did that on purpose!"

  "Did not!" Stink tried to remove the pencil from the guy's arm, to get rid of writer's cramp. Buzz! Buzz! Buzz!

  "Stink. Give me the tweezers. Your turn's over when you buzz."

  "Let's play something else," said Stink.

  "I know," Judy said. "You can help me with my Human Body project for school."

  "That's not playing. That's homework," said Stink.

  "Fun homework," said Judy. "I'm going to do an operation with real stitches and stuff." Judy got out her doctor kit. "All I need is somebody to operate on."

  "You're not operating on me. Just so you

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  know. No slings or eye patches or anything." "Can I at least take your blood pressure?"

  "I guess." Judy put a cuff around Stink's arm and pumped air into it. "I'm afraid you have high blood pressure, Stink," said Judy. "Your heart's beating super fast."

  "That's 'cause I'm scared of what you might do to me!"

  "I have a better idea." Judy went straight to Toady's aquarium. "Operation on Toady! You hold him down, Stink, and I'll make the incision." "The what?"

  "The cut. Hel-lo? It's an operation."

  "You're loony tunes!" Stink said. "You can't cut Toady open."

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  "I'll stitch him back up. C'mon. Just one small, teensy- weensy snip?"

  "N-O, no! Give me him!"

  "It's the only way to see toad insides. Admit it, Stink. You want to see toad guts."

  "Not this toad's guts." Stink rushed over to his desk and rooted around in the top drawer. He held up a cardboard badge that said ASPCA: Saving Lives since 1866.

  "Busted!" said Stink, holding the badge up to Judy's face. "It's against the law to be mean to animals or hurt them. Ever. Just show them respect and kindness. You're not even supposed to let your dog drink out of the toilet."

  "I don't have a dog. And Mouse doesn't drink out of the toilet!"

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  "Good. If she did, you'd go to jail."

  "I was just going to practice on Toady. Not put him in the toilet!"

  "You're not allowed to test stuff out on animals. You're supposed to test on beans. Or pumpkins. People who make soap and shampoo and underpants and stuff are always testing it on animals, and the animals get hurt or even die."

  "Stink, nobody makes animals wear underpants."

  "Yah-huh. They do. No lie. It makes me really sad and mad that people do stuff to animals. I'm so sad and so mad I'm . . . smad!"

  "Okay, okay! Don't be smad. I cross-my- heart promise I won't shampoo Toady or

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  make him wear underpants or anything. I just wish I had something really good for Sharing tomorrow. Something nobody's ever seen. Something human."

  "Like what?"

  "Like Einstein's brain. A hair from Abraham Lincoln's beard. Or Grandma Lou's kidney stone, if only she had saved it."

  "Put a kidney bean in a jar and say it's Einstein's brain. You could say it's a human bean, get it?"

  "Hardee-har-har, Stink."

  "I have some baby teeth. Teeth are human."

  "Everybody's seen baby teeth, Stink."

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  I have a toenail collection."

  "Boring."

  "Wait! I do have a body part."

  "What? What is it? Can I have it?"

  "Nope. I'm not showing you 'cause you'll want it bad."

  "Is it a finger? Or an ear?"

  "NO!"

  "A bone?"

  "Nope."

  "Is it skin? Like you peel off when you get sunburned?"

  "Nope."

  "Is it a cavity? You know, like in a tooth?"

  "Nope."

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  "Cmon, Stinker. You HAVE to show me."

  "Okay, but promise you won't SHOW or TELL anybody, and you can't take it to school, okay?"

  "Cross-my-heart promise," said Judy. Stink went over to his closet. He pulled down a dusty box from the shelf. A box with all his baby stuff.

  "Hurry up. I can't stand it!" said Judy. Stink opened the box and took out a baby- food jar. There was something in the jar. Something that looked like a shriveled-up, shrunken dead worm.

  "Yee-uck. What is it? A petrified worm? Or one-hundred-year-old burnt spaghetti?"

  "No, Einstein. It's my belly-button!"

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  "Your belly-button?"

  "You know. That thing that falls off your belly-button when you're born."

  "For real and true?"

  "Yes, for real. When Mom brought me home from the hospital--"

  "But you were born in a Jeep!"

  "You know what I mean. When I came home, I had a thing on my belly-button. You have to wait for it to fall off. Mom said you wanted to keep it."

  "Me? So, then, really it's mine?"

  "NO! It's my body part. I used to be an outie. Now I'm an innie." Stink lifted up his shirt. "See?"

  "RARE!" said Judy. "I can't wait for my class"-- Stink gave her a starey, glarey

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  look -- "to NOT know about this. Ever."

  Stink put the jar with his wormy old burnt-spaghetti belly-button on the desk. "You know what's so great about this belly-button?"

  "What?" asked Judy.

  "That you don't have one!" said Stink. He laughed himself silly. "But if you give me a million dollars, I'll let you take my belly-button to school."

  "How about five dollars?"

  "A million dollars or you'll never, not ever, touch my belly-button!" said Stink.

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  Wednesday. Wednesday was her Sharing Day! Judy was going to have the best share ever. She couldn't wait two weeks until her Human Body project was due. She, Judy Moody, would Show and Tell about Stink's belly-button. To-day. All she had to do was steal it.

  Judy waited for Stink to go downstairs for breakfast. She tiptoed into his room, took down the box of baby stuff, grabbed

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  Stink's belly-button jar, and hid it in the secret inside pocket of her backpack.

  As soon as the bell rang, Mr. Todd asked Class 3T to form a Sharing Circle. It was Rocky's day to share, too. And Jessica Finch. Jessica said she'd brought an especially special share. But Judy just knew her belly-button had to be the specialest!

  Rocky went first. His share was a Lego. Judy thought one Lego was boring, until Rocky conducted an experiment on it. He put it in a petri dish and poured some stuff on it. The Lego turned black-as-dirt from all the germs on it.

  "Eee-yew!" said Jessica Finch. "Germs!" Germs made her squirm.

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  "There's a fungus among us," said Frank.

  "I had lice before," said Bradley. "In my hair!"

  "Me too!" said AlisonS.

  "Ick," said Dylan, backing away from the circle.

  "Millions of bacteria are on us all the time," said Rocky. "On our heads, up our noses, between our toes."

  "That's right," said Mr. Todd. "Each one of us is our own ecosystem. We carry around millions of critters too tiny to see."

  "Like a human rain forest?" asked Judy.

  "Exactly," said Mr. Todd. "Now do you see why I'm always after all of you to wash your hands?"

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  "I have something that's not germs," Jessica said. "My guinea pig, Chester, was a boy, but he turned out to be a girl and had babies." Jessica Finch held up a picture. "Nutmeg, Jasmine, Coco, and Cindy, short for Cinnamon. The Spice Girls!"

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  "Aww!" everybody said. "Cute!" Judy took a look. All she could see were hairballs. Bellybuttons were way more scientific than hairballs!

  "Judy, did you bring anything to share?" asked Mr. Todd.

  "Yes, said Judy. She held the baby-food jar behind her back. "See, when you're a baby and you first come out, there's a thingy attached to your belly-button. Then it falls off and your mom and dad find out if you're an innie or an outie."

  "I'm an innie!" said Frank.


  "Ooh. I'm a way-outie!" said Bradley, showing off his belly-button.

  "Okay, 3T! Keep your shirts on," said Mr. Todd. "Let's let Judy finish."

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  "In this jar, I have a real live belly-button thingy. No lie. I call it Mucus Dermis. It's Latin. Dermis means skin and mucus means yucky. Yucky skin."

  "Where'd you get it?" asked Rocky.

  "Actually, it's from my very own brother, Stink Moody."

  "Double yuck," said Jessica Finch, squirming in a wormy way.

  "Let me see!" said Frank Pearl. Judy

  passed Stink's belly-button to Frank Pearl.

  Everybody crowded around to see.

  "Take your seats and Judy will pass it around," said Mr. Todd.

  "Bellybuttons are also called navels," said Judy. "Everybody has one, but no two are alike. Just like snowflakes. Sometimes

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  bellybuttons collect lint, and in Japan, they have belly-button cleaners. My dad told me. No lie!"

  "Thank you, Judy," said Mr. Todd. "I think we've all learned more than we ever imagined about bellybuttons."

  "Bellybuttons are better than' bones," said Rocky.

  "Better than lice!" said Frank.

  "Better than hairballs!" said Judy.

  "Does your brother know you have his belly-button?" asked Jessica.

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  After Sharing, Judy went out in the hall to put away her backpack. Stink was there, listening right outside the classroom.

  "Give it," said Stink, holding out his hand.

  "Give what?"

  "I know you have it. I came to tell you... I just saw you! I overheard.... You stole it, didn't you? You showed the WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD my belly-button!"

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  "Nah-uh! Only half of the third grade." "You owe me a million dollars! "Stink, we can fight later. Go back to second grade."

  "I can't. I'm sick. My throat hurts. I think I have mumps." "Made-up mumps?"

  "No. For real." Stink held his neck like it really hurt.

  "Would you say that the pain is in your larynx or your pharynx?" Judy asked. "Huh?"

  "Just go to the nurse, said Judy.

  "I'm scared."

  "Of what? Mrs. Bell?"

  "No." "A shot?"

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  "No."

  "Getting lost?"

  "No."

  "For-real mumps? A pill? Throwing up?"

  "No. No. And not really."

  "What? What are you scared of?"

  "The skeleton! In the nurse's office."

  "Stink! It's not even real!"

  Stink's face crumpled like he was going to cry. "The office lady told me to wait till Mrs. Bell gets here, but I was in there all by myself. With it."

  "I'll take you, if you promise not to be mad about the belly-button."

  Judy got a pass from Mr. Todd, then walked Stink down the hall and around

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  the corner to the nurse's office. Stink pointed to the skeleton in the corner.

  "Pretend he's not there, Stink. Sit on the edge of the bed. I'll be the doctor while we wait for Mrs. Bell. So, what seems to be the problem?"

  "When I woke up this morning, I just had hiccups and a loose tooth. Now my throat hurts."

  Judy picked up a flashlight from the desk and shined it in Stink's eyes.

  "Hey, now my eyes hurt, too!"

  "Does your face hurt?"

  "Nope."

  "It's killing me!" Judy cracked herself up. "Let's see your throat." She shined the light down his throat. "Say ahh!"

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  "Grub!" said Stink.

  "Not glub. Ahhhhh! Try again."

  "Slug!"

  "Never mind, said Judy.

  "What's wrong?"

  "Well, you DON'T have a frog in your throat. Just a glub and a slug." Judy held her head sideways, thinking. She looked Stink up and down.

  "Do you have a pain in your neck, too?" asked Stink.

  "Just you," said Judy. She cracked herself up some more. "Wait a minute! Stink! I got it! I know what you have!"

  "What?" asked Stink.

  "Skeleton-itis!" said Judy. "Fear-of- Skeletons disease. Found only in second

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  graders with glubby slugs in their throats." "I can't help it. He just stares . . . with those eyes! It's creepier than that pyramid

  eye on a one-dollar bill."

  "Stink, skeletons don't have eyes."

  "I know! Just big spooky holes like dead

  people. And he's all clicketyclackety." Judy picked up the skeleton from where he was hanging in the corner. "Hi! I'm Mr.

  DryBones!" Judy clacked the skeleton's jaw

  open and shut. "You can call me George.

  See? He teaches you about your bones and stuff." Judy made the skeleton wave at

  Stink.

  Stink did not wave back. "You're giving

  me goose bumps. Put him back before we

  get in trouble."

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  "Not till he tells some jokes. Here, I'll practice some jokes I'm learning for my Human Body project. Mr. DryBones likes jokes, don't you?" Judy said to the skeleton. 'They tickle his funny bone!"

  Stink cracked up.

  "What does a skeleton take for a cold?" asked Judy.

  "What?"

  "Coffin drops!"

  Stink laughed at that one.

  "What do skeletons put on their mashed potatoes?"

  "Umm..."

  "Gravey!"

  "What do you call a skeleton who sleeps all day?"

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  "Sleepyhead?"

  "Lazybones!" Judy cackled.

  "How does a skeleton pass his math test?"

  "How?"

  "He bones up on his addition and subtraction."

  "Funny!" Stink laughed and laughed. He seemed to forget all about his sore throat. And Fear-of-Skeletons disease.

  "What does a skeleton eat for breakfast?" asked Mrs. Bell, setting her purse down on the desk.

  "I don't know? What?"

  "Scream of wheat!"

  "Good one!" said Stink. He held his stomach, he was laughing so hard.

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  "I see you've met George," said Mrs. Bell. "I had to go to another school this morning. So it's just my skeleton crew here today."

  "Hey, that's good!" said Judy. "I was just, um, helping Stink until you got here."

  "Old Mr. DryBones is very humerus," said Mrs. Bell. She cracked herself up. "Humerus. That's the name of this long bone right here in your upper arm."

  "Cool beans!" said Judy.

  "Oh, I get it now!" said Stink, cracking up too.

  "See, Stink? I told you he wasn't scary."

  "Don't worry," Mrs. Bell said to Stink. "Lots of people find bones scary. Did you know even elephants are afraid of bones?"

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  "Really?" asked Stink.

  "Bones are interesting, really. We start out with over three hundred bones when we're born, and when we grow up we have--"

  "Only two hundred and six!" said Judy. "We just learned that in Mr. Todd's class."

  How do we lose so many bones?" asked

  Stink.

  "Some grow together," said Mrs. Bell. "To hold us up, make us strong. Otherwise we'd all be jellyfish. A jellyfish has no bones."

  Judy went all limp, imitating a jellyfish. "See, Stink. Aren't you glad you're not a jellyfish?"

  "No, because if I were, I could sting you!"

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  "So, what seems to be the problem, young man?" Mrs. Bell asked Stink.

  "I have a stomachache."

  "A stomachache?" said Judy. "I thought you had a sore throat."

  "I do. But now my stomach hurts from laughing."

  "So, I guess you could say your sister had you in stitches, huh?"

  "Don't give her any ideas!" said Stink.

  "Let's just take a look at that throat," said Mrs. Bell. "Say aahl"

&n
bsp; "AHH!" said Stink.

  "Hey! You didn't say glub. Or slug," said Judy.

  "Uh-oh," said Mrs. Bell. "Somebody's sick, all right."

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  "For real?" Judy asked. "Can I see?" "His throat is as red as a fire engine."

  Mrs. Bell took Stink's temperature with a non-cat-hairy thermometer. "And he has a fever: 99.9."

  "Stink, you have ALL the luck," said

  Judy.

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  No fair! Stink got to go to the real doctor. Judy convinced her mom that she had to come too, so she could learn stuff.

  Dr. McCavity looked in Stink's eyes and ears and down his throat with a purple tongue depressor. She explained how tonsils are two pink balls like grapes in back of your throat, and they can get infected with white specks and swell up and hurt.

  Dr. McCavity told Mrs. Moody to give

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  Stink some special medicine and make sure he got lots of sleep. She told Stink to drink ginger ale and eat the Brat diet.

  "He's been eating the brat diet since he was born!" Judy said.

  Dr. McCavity laughed. "BRAT means Bananas, Rice, Applesauce, and Toast." She also told Stink to stay home from school till his fever was gone, and stay away from Judy as much as possible.

  She really did say the last part!

  "Just think," Judy told Stink. "If you get tonsillitis, you get to go to the hospital for an operation and get a bracelet with your name on it and wear funny pajamas and eat Popsicles all day."

  "Well, let's hope it doesn't come to that,"

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  said Mom. "That would be a lot of Popsicles."

  "We don't like to take out healthy tonsils," said the doctor.