If We Were Us

by K. L. Walther

  Such good friends.

  But I kept checking my phone, a complete hypocrite. I kept waiting for him to call, or for a text to pop up—­to hear something about his conversation with Luke. Because seeing his smile earlier…

  Midnight: nothing.

  12:30 a.m.: nothing.

  1:00 a.m.: nothing.

  Which left me to my own thoughts. Why didn’t you fight? I chastised myself. Why did you agree with Nick, instead of shaking your head and telling him the truth?

  I sighed and rolled onto my back, to stare up at the ceiling, glimmering with a galaxy of glow-­in-­the-­dark stars. My dad and I’d spent a whole afternoon sticking them up when I was little, and before freshman year at Bexley, I made my interior-designer mother promise not to take them down while I was away at school. I still loved them, always reminding me of when I visited the Carmichaels on the Vineyard. One of Nick’s and my favorite things to do was go night kayaking, disappearing out on the Oyster Pond. Everything was pitch-­black, except for the stars above us. Pure magic, in my eyes.

  But tonight, my stars kind of haunted me, brought me back to the sixth hole. “You have no idea how much you mean to me, Nick Carmichael,” I whispered to myself—­what I’d wanted to say tonight. You’re the love of my life…

  I’ve known it for a while now. More than anything, I want to marry you someday. I want us to play street hockey with our kids in the driveway and teach them to bike mountain trails. I want to be that old couple who wins every bocce ball match at our Florida condo complex. And that’s why I can’t be your girlfriend right now. We’re too young for it all to begin.

  * * *

  At 1:30, after I’d finally fallen asleep, I woke up to my phone vibrating on my pillow. “Hello?”

  “Are you awake?” Charlie asked.

  “I am now.”

  “Oh, sorry…”

  “No, don’t apologize. What’s up?”

  I heard him sigh. “Is there any way you can come over? I know you’re probably still in a food coma…” His voice trembled. “But I’d like to talk.”

  “Don’t worry.” I was already out of bed and pulling on my fuzzy boots. “I’m coming.”

  * * *

  “Is this about Luke?” I wondered once I’d crawled underneath Charlie’s covers and, like he did whenever I was upset, wrapped my arms and legs around him. “What did you guys talk about?”

  “Stuff,” he said as I rested my cheek against his back. “A lot of stuff…”

  Like being such good friends? I wondered bitterly, as we were quiet, so quiet that I could hear Charlie’s watch ticking from over on his dresser. His room left you to face your own thoughts.

  I started rubbing his back, something his mom used to do whenever he had a meltdown as a kid. He wanted to tell me, I could feel it.

  After a few minutes, I heard him ask if I remembered our Pandora’s fight.

  “Yeah, I remember,” I said, and hugged him tighter. I needed to push Nick aside for now. “And I’m so sorry. It was such a bitchy thing to say.”

  “But you were right,” he whispered. “About all of it.”

  Then his body curled into a ball.

  * * *

  “You’re perfect, Charlie,” I said after letting him cry for a while. “You’re absolutely perfect, and I love you so much. I love you more than anyone else in the entire world. No matter what, I will always love you, and I want you to be happy.”

  “I don’t know what to do.” He wavered, fear in his voice. “I have no idea what to do.”

  I kissed his shoulder.

  Silence.

  “He said he loves me,” Charlie whispered. “Before we hung up, he told me.”

  I gasped. “And what did you say?”

  “Nothing. Just ‘Happy Thanksgiving.’”

  “But do you love him?”

  My question hung in the air for a moment, and then I heard: “Promise you won’t laugh?”

  “Promise.”

  Charlie took a deep breath. “Yeah, I love him,” he said. “I’ve been a goner for him since the day we met.”

  And I’m a goner for your brother, I thought, hugging and now crying with him. I am an absolute goner for your brother.

  Chapter 20

  Charlie

  The flock went to Peace Love Pizza together on Saturday to celebrate the start of winter term, but as Nick would’ve said, I was interstellar the entire time. I didn’t notice the gallon of grease that dripped off my barbeque chicken slice, and I didn’t notice Val and her friends stabbing me with mental daggers from three tables away. All I noticed was that Luke wasn’t there. Not feeling great, he’d texted our group chat. Out for tonight.

  I fiddled with one of my bracelets under the table, the twisted leather cord with a brass anchor catch. Luke had been so stoic as I’d unwrapped the box in October, but then smirked with satisfaction once I told him I loved it, as if to say, Yes, I’m a gift-­giving genius.

  We’d seen each other around campus this week, but hadn’t really spoken since Thanksgiving. There had been a blizzard in Grosse Pointe, so Luke had spent the holiday at my cousins’ house. “So where are you now?” he’d asked after almost two hours of talking that night. “Still walking?”

  I smiled. “No, sitting on some neighbor’s porch.” The DePietros were at Sage’s, and I’d circled the neighborhood a hundred times already. “Where’re you?”

  “The upstairs den.”

  “Do they still have that red couch?” I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been to Grosse Pointe, but I did remember my cousins’ upstairs TV room: wood-­paneled walls with built-­in bookshelves and the deepest couch known to man. You literally sank into it.

  “The one and only,” Luke said. “Your aunt keeps saying they’re going to get rid of it, though. The cushions are starting to tear.”

  “Shame.”

  “Yeah…”

  “Okay, what are you thinking about?” I asked when he trailed off, shifting on the porch steps to get more comfortable.

  A pause. “How do you know I’m thinking about something?”

  “I can hear it in your voice,” I said. “When you’re lost in your head, it sort of drifts away…” I shut my eyes, so I could picture it. “And I know you’re lying there, all stretched out, drumming your fingers on your leg. You’re also staring at something across the room, but not really looking at it, and you’re biting your tongue.” Because Luke hadn’t always been paying attention in class or at dinner. Even he could be a space cadet.

  “It’s a watercolor Banks did at school,” Luke murmured after a second. “Of a pirate ship, armed with a shit-­ton of cannons.”

  I laughed. “So what are you thinking about?”

  No response.

  “What was that?” I joked. “You’re gonna need to speak up.”

  And again, silence, but then, “I’m thinking about how I’m in love with you.”

  * * *

  I tripped going up the stairs, totally eating it halfway to Brooks’ third floor. “You okay, Charlie?” Samir Khan asked from the landing. His voice made me flinch. I didn’t know why I thought the house would be deserted, but I did. I hadn’t expected to run into anyone.

  “Yes, fine.” I picked myself up off the ground. I hoped it wasn’t obvious my whole body was shaking. Now get out of my way.

  The third floor was quiet, and part of me considered making a pit stop in the bathroom so I could throw up. Because I had no idea what to do. Do I just kiss him? Or do I tell him first? And what happens if he’s changed his mind? Will it be different kissing a guy than kissing a girl? Will this change everything?

  I stood in front of his door for a long time, probably five minutes. And then I dared myself to knock. “My butler’s out sick!” Luke called from inside. “Open it yourself!”

 
So I did, and there he was. I felt light-­headed. Luke was alone, sitting on his bed with his computer, in a white T-­shirt and the pajama pants I’d ordered off Vineyard Vines’ website the day after Thanksgiving. Green with Santa hats. I paid for express shipping so he would get them before coming back to school. Christmas was his favorite holiday.

  He looked up from his laptop screen, and we made eye contact. “Hey there.” He shut his computer. “How’s it going?”

  “I’m sorry for taking so long!” I blurted.

  Luke laughed and got up from his bed. “Yeah, I timed you. Five minutes outside my door. Now listen, the ‘Super Senior’ thing wasn’t my—­”

  I didn’t let him finish. Instead, I crossed the room and hugged him. Really, really hugged him. Both arms around him and burying my face in his neck. And Luke was very still for a beat before he started hugging me back. I sort of slumped against him. “I’m sorry for taking so long,” I repeated. “But I’m all set now.”

  At least I hoped I was.

  Luke pulled away to look at me. He cocked his head, pretending to be confused. Because I knew he knew what I meant. His gleaming eyes gave him away. But even so, he said, “Please elaborate.”

  “Be with me.” I broke out of our hug so I could take his hand. Mine was shaking so hard, but our fingers somehow threaded together without a second thought, like we’d held hands a hundred times already. It was effortless. “Please. Let’s be together. I’m in love with you. I’ve known we were going to be something since before we even met, when I heard you talking on the phone…” I squeezed his hand. “I’ve been all over the place, but this time, I’m ready.” I paused. “That is, if you still want.”

  Luke was quiet for a second—­the longest, quietest second ever—­but then he smirked. “You’re in love with me, huh?”

  I exhaled. “That’s the diagnosis, yes.”

  His whole face lit up. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

  “Yeah, I can tell.” I smiled.

  “Well, I’m in,” he said with a nod. “As long as it’s just me. Because according to my sisters, I’ve never been a good sharer…”

  “You won’t need to be,” I told him. “It’ll be you and me and no one else.”

  Then neither of us said anything. We just sort of looked at each other.

  Luke spoke first. “I’m sick,” he said, suddenly sounding all congested. “So I get it if you—­”

  “Doesn’t matter.” I shook my head, blood pulsing through my ears. “I have a good immune system.”

  “Proceed at your own risk.”

  I swallowed hard. “Have you ever…?” I started to ask, unable to say the whole thing. Have you ever kissed a guy before?

  He knew what I meant. “Yes.”

  I glanced at the floor. Well, I haven’t, I thought, but didn’t say anything. Nothing had ever been more obvious.

  “But I have never wanted to kiss anyone,” Luke continued, voice quieter this time, “as much as I want to kiss you.”

  I lifted my head, and our eyes met. “Really?”

  “Charlie.” He gave me a long look. “You’re a moron.”

  My heart throbbed.

  “You’re contagious,” I said.

  “You said you didn’t care,” he said back.

  I took a deep breath. He was right; I didn’t care. Not even a little bit. “Okay.”

  Luke nodded. “Okay.”

  “So how should we…?”

  Luke smiled and shook his head, then slid an arm around my side to pull me close, close enough to feel his heartbeat. His chest against mine. “You do way too much thinking,” he murmured after holding me for a moment. He was so warm and steady that my eyes started to drift shut. “Relax, and let this happen.” He knocked his forehead against mine. “All right?”

  Eyes closed, I nodded.

  “Good,” he said, and then I opened my eyes in time to catch his grin before his lips landed on mine.

  And just like him, they were warm and steady and somehow already so familiar. But my legs collapsed out of nowhere, and I fell back against his closed door, banging my head and dragging Luke down with me. A flailing mess of arms and legs, we kept kissing. Luke mumbled something unintelligible, and I mumbled something unintelligible back.

  Whatever it was, I knew we were in agreement.

  * * *

  I went into town early the next morning. Brunch in Addison didn’t start until 11:00 a.m., but Pandora’s opened at 7:00. Predictably, Luke was passed out when I got to his room, armed with coffee and breakfast sandwiches. “Sausage-­egg-­and-­cheese on a cinnamon-­sugar bagel,” I’d ordered, remembering it was his favorite. “And make that two, please.”

  I knew his door was unlocked, because he’d asked me to turn out the lights on my way out last night. I put our bag of riches on his desk and took all of three steps over to his bed. I crouched down and touched his arm. “Hey,” I whispered.

  Luke’s brown eyes snapped open so fast, and I saw his body tense up. “Holy shit,” he mumbled when he realized it was me. “You are a psychopath.”

  I cocked my head. “Did I forget to mention that last night?”

  “I don’t remember it coming up, no.” He rolled his eyes. “Otherwise, I’d like to think I would’ve at least locked the door.”

  “Oh, that wouldn’t have done anything.” I unbuttoned my coat and pulled off my boots. “I know how to pick locks.”

  “As every psychopath should.”

  “If they want to be able to hack it.” I nodded, and then stood there for a second before Luke pushed back his covers and moved over to make room for me. He grinned.

  “Get in here.”

  I grinned back and climbed in with him. He pulled the comforter back up as I rolled onto my side so we could share his pillow. Then he quickly kissed my cheek, not even my cheek—­more like the corner of my mouth. I felt a deep tug. Still freaking out somewhat, but also excited. Here I was, in bed with a guy. I was kissing a guy—­Luke. Finally.

  I was me.

  “Good morning,” Luke whispered.

  “Good morning,” I whispered back.

  He laughed softly, and I buried my head in his chest to feel the vibrations. Everything ached when I did. He really did have the best laugh. “What time is it?” he asked. “Seven?”

  I smiled. “Almost nine.”

  He groaned. “Same thing.”

  “How so?”

  “Addison isn’t open yet.”

  I laughed. “Which is why I went off-­site to bring you breakfast.”

  His eyes widened. “Pandora’s?”

  “What else?”

  Luke sighed happily. “You’re such a prince.”

  “Not a psychopath?”

  “I might’ve been a little quick to judge.”

  I laughed again, and just like that, it clicked. C. I knew what it stood for, and it wasn’t any part of my name. I raised an eyebrow and zapped Luke’s side. “Charming?”

  “Charming.” He smirked and leaned in to kiss me again—­right after whispering, “Your crown’s in the closet.”

  Chapter 21

  Sage

  There were two big pieces of news by breakfast on Monday. The first was that Charlie Carmichael apparently had a concussion. “You do not have a concussion,” Luke said, looking up from scanning the news on his phone. “Calm down.”

  Charlie grinned, the corners of his eyes crinkling. “You know, I just might.” He turned to the rest of us. “It was really hard to focus on my homework yesterday, and I woke up with this killer headache—­”

  “Try taking some Tylenol,” Luke deadpanned. “Or Advil.”

  “Here,” Jack said before Charlie could answer. “Follow my finger.” He held up his index finger and slowly moved it back and forth, for Charlie’s eyes to track. “Do
es this make you dizzy?”

  Reese snorted. “And where did you get your medical degree, Dr. Healy?”

  Jack shrugged. “Certified online.” Then he smiled at her, and she quickly ruffled his hair. They’d been a thing ever since homecoming.

  “A little,” Charlie said. “A little dizzy.”

  “How do you think it happened?” Jennie asked, munching on a strip of bacon.

  “Oh,” Charlie said, and I caught his cheeks flush a little. “Well, I…”

  “He slipped,” Luke said nonchalantly.

  “Yes.” Charlie snapped his fingers. “Yes, that. I slipped.”

  “On a banana peel.”

  “Right, as one does in Mario Kart.”

  “Precisely.”

  Then the two of them were off to the races, talking at a speed no one could follow. I took a sip of orange juice, but it almost went down the wrong pipe when Reese leaned over, nodded at the boys, and whispered: “Just make out already.”

  I knew she was joking…but still. Well, the thing is, I imagined whispering back. They already have.

  Charlie had called me after midnight on Saturday, as I was torturing myself in bed, clicking through old pictures of me and Nick on my laptop. Just buddies, just pals, now nothing. “Hey,” I’d said into my phone, trying to keep my voice level. “Where’d you go after pizza?”

  He didn’t respond right away; I could hear him breathing, but he didn’t say anything. “Are you alone?” he eventually asked.

  I stared at a shot from two summers ago, me on Nick’s shoulders at a Dierks Bentley concert. My eyes were shut as I screamed, and he was smiling up at me. I’d never noticed it before. “Yes,” I said. “I’m alone.”

  “I kissed Luke,” he said in a rush. “I kissed Luke tonight.”

  Both my heart and I jumped. “What?! Oh my god, Charlie!” I sucked in a breath. “Was it a good kiss?”

  “Good?” His voice sounded different than I’d ever heard it before. I knew he was smiling. “Sage, I can’t even…” He sighed again, dreamy and dazed. “I mean, you know, you know?”