If We Were Us

by K. L. Walther

  What’s the plan, Nicholas?

  * * *

  The boathouse was dark when I got there, but I almost wiped out—­because the dock was not. I quickly jumped off Stinger and hit my kickstand, still unsteady on my feet.

  It was glowing. The dock was glowing, completely decked out: Coleman lanterns lining the edges and probably hundreds of green glow sticks scattered across the walkway. Nick was sitting at the end, wearing a few illuminated necklaces and his beautifully hideous Patagonia.

  “Hey!” he called when a creaky board announced my arrival. “Come make a s’more!” He beckoned me over, and that’s when I noticed he was attempting to toast a marshmallow over the mini Weber grill he’d gotten for Christmas.

  “What is all this?” I asked as I dropped down next to him. He gifted me with my own necklace and a roasting stick. A marsh­mallow was already impaled on its tip.

  “This,” he said, “is what Nick Carmichael does when he breaks the rules.”

  I laughed. “Go big or go home?”

  “Exactly,” he agreed. “I thought we’d do s’mores first, then go kayaking. It’s a great night, right?”

  Kayaking. Whenever I visited Martha’s Vineyard, Nick and I went night kayaking on the Oyster Pond. It felt like a different world out there: just us and starlight.

  “What do you say?” Nick asked.

  “But where’s the kayak?” I wondered.

  “In the water,” he said like it was obvious, so I leaned over to see for myself.

  My heart stopped, because sure enough, there it was, tied to the dock and bobbing along contently, but that wasn’t all. Written on the side in yellow glow-­paint was:

  MORGAN, VALENTINE’S?

  The letters were kind of dripping, and soon my eyes followed suit…because I’d been hoping. Secretly, but hoping so much that it lately took me hours to fall asleep at night. More than anything, I wanted to go with Nick to his party but thought there was no chance. While we’d been flirting a little, nothing had truly changed between us since he’d broken up with Emma, and I figured Charlie would ask me to Daggett’s soon. They were the same night.

  “Sage?” Nick asked quietly. “What do you think?”

  “Yes,” I said, laughing away my tears as our eyes locked. “Hell, yes!”

  Nick’s dimple popped before he leaned in to kiss my cheek.

  But I made sure our lips met instead. Nick pulled me into his arms, and I hugged him tight. We were both breathing heavily when we broke apart. “Kayaking?” I suggested, and just like that, we were out on the water. I grinned. “Okay, now remind me where Ursa Major is. Because I see the Big Dipper…”

  So Nick the Astronomer pointed out the gigantic constellation whose nickname was the “Greater She-­Bear” and then I felt a hand on my arm. “Sage…”

  I turned back to look at him. “Yeah?”

  He sighed. “I don’t want it to be just Valentine’s Day.”

  “What?”

  “Us,” Nick rephrased. “I want us to try again. For real this time.” He shifted in his seat, shifting the kayak. “I love you.”

  His hand was still on my arm, and a garden of goose bumps bloomed underneath it. I grabbed it and tangled our fingers together. “I love you too,” I whispered against his knuckles.

  “But what are you so afraid of?” he asked when I didn’t say more.

  “I love you,” I said again. “I love you, and I have such a crush on you.”

  He chuckled. “I do too,” he replied. “I’ve always had a crush on you, to be honest. You’re my first.”

  “Right, exactly.” I squeezed my eyes shut. “And I don’t want anything getting in the way of you being my last.”

  “Hey—­” he started, but I kept going, all of it finally spilling out.

  “I’m scared that if we do this now, we’re going to mess something up. You’ll be at Yale, and I’ll be at Middlebury, and long-­distance almost never works. We’re too young and there’s too much going on, and I want us to be fanatic hockey parents together someday. I want us to throw our neighborhood’s annual Fourth of July cookout someday.” I swallowed, having no control over myself. “So I don’t think we should chance it. I don’t want to end up like my parents. I don’t want to ruin us before we’ve even begun. We should wait, until it’s right, until we’ve experienced life away from each other.”

  Nick was quiet for a while, but then he resumed paddling, directing us toward the shore. I climbed back up on the dock first, and then helped him drag the kayak out of the water. It was only when I started cleaning up the s’mores setup that Nick finally spoke. “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard,” he said.

  I swallowed the marshmallow I was chewing. “Huh?”

  “What you said, about how we shouldn’t be together yet. That’s a load of crap and sounds like an epic waste of time. Why can’t it be ‘right’ right now? I want you, and you want me, so why wait? Let’s be together. It doesn’t matter how young we are, or that we’ll be at different schools.” He moved to wrap me in a hug. “Yeah, it might be hard. It might even be really hard, but I want us to try.”

  My heart was pounding. I did too—­really, truly did. Honestly, I didn’t think I could do another week, much less another few years, of us not being together. Of him being with someone else. It was too hard now that I knew how good it could be.

  Nick smiled and tugged on my ponytail. “So come on, what do you say?”

  * * *

  We rode Ace and Stinger back to main campus together, after hiding Nick’s stuff behind the boathouse. “Charlie will help me deal with it tomorrow,” he said. I spotted Reese and Jack out on Simmons’ patio when we parked our bikes in the rack. They waved.

  Nick waved back, but I didn’t. I just grinned and threw my arms around him so we could kiss for all to see. I heard Reese say to Jack, “I fucking knew it.”

  Unfortunately, Nick didn’t stay on the patio for long. “I don’t want Emma to find out like this,” he whispered after politely booting me from his lap, ex-­girlfriend now in sight. “I’ll see you tomorrow?”

  “You better.” I smiled, and not fifteen minutes later, Charlie was calling me. “Fantastic news!” I greeted him. “Now we both have boyfriends!”

  But the line was silent for five long seconds, before I heard my best friend say in this trembling voice, “Please come, Sage.” He let out a choking sob. “I really need you.”

  My heart dropped about ten million stories. “Charlie, where’s Luke?”

  More uneven breathing and hiccups, and then, “Just please come.”

  “I will.” I nodded quickly. “Where are you?”

  “My room.”

  “Okay, I’m on my way. Calm down. I’m coming as fast as I can.”

  Chapter 34

  Sage

  I didn’t usually wake up until 11:00 a.m. on Sundays, but that morning, I rolled out of bed at 9:53, when my phone buzzed with a new text. Passing on brunch today, Luke had written. Really tired.

  Well, I thought, shifting into protective-­best-­friend mode, “really tired” or not, we need to have a chat.

  I was at his door by 10:13, after creeping through Brooks’ eerily deserted common room and up to the top floor. I hesitated at first, thinking that maybe I shouldn’t wake him, but knocked on the door anyway. “Yeah?” I heard Luke call, and I jumped. He sounded very awake.

  “Hey,” I said when I walked in. “We need…”

  But I trailed off, suddenly speechless. Luke’s room was a colossal mess. His bed was a wreck—­an explosion of pillows and blankets—­and all his dresser drawers were open, clothes spilling out of them. “What are you doing?”

  “Purging,” Luke answered, rifling through his closet and emerging with two checked button-­downs. And he too, I saw, was a mess. His jaw was locked and his eyes red-­rimmed
. I stood there like a dumbstruck idiot while he crossed his tiny room and carelessly folded the shirts before tossing them in the box on his desk. My pulse pounded, realizing what he was doing.

  “Luke, no,” I began. “Don’t—­”

  “I want it all gone,” he said, voice ice-­cold. “I don’t want to look at any of it.” He turned away and dropped to his knees to ransack the drawers under his bed. I moved forward to see that the box was over halfway full: the two Vineyard Vines shirts, Charlie’s blue EDGARTOWN YACHT CLUB quarter-­zip, the Prince Charming crown, a black-­and-­white ribbon belt, and at the very bottom, Charlie’s bracelets.

  “You can’t do this,” I said, fingering the tie bracelet. “You guys are—­”

  “Done,” Luke finished, brushing past me. He picked up a pen and quickly jotted something down on a notepad before going over to his dresser.

  My eyes welled up, remembering Charlie last night. I’d left him on his bed, wrapped up like a burrito in his comforter and bawling his eyes out. “He broke up with me,” he kept repeating, over and over, while I’d tried so hard to calm him down…but to no avail. Curfew had then called, and I hated knowing he cried himself to sleep.

  “What went wrong?” I asked, a little nervous that Luke would snap at me for being nosy. But I needed to know.

  I heard him sigh, and then he was next to me again, adding Charlie’s noise-­canceling headphones to the mix of stuff. “We went to the movies,” he said, “and things were great. The seats were great, the movie was great, and he was great. Literally no one was there, so he held my hand the whole time.” He sighed again. “But later, we went to the ropes course, to”—­he shrugged—­“you know, and that’s when I realized I couldn’t do it anymore, this thing with him. I’m done.”

  “Did something happen?” I asked quietly.

  Luke nodded. His voice was quiet too, but angry-­quiet. “On the way back,” he said, “we heard someone, and what does Charlie do?” Luke pointed to a scrape on his cheek. “He pushes me into the goddamn woods. I took a branch in the face and tripped over a rock, all so Paddy fucking Clarke and Val didn’t catch us walking together.”

  Suddenly dizzy, I sank down into Luke’s desk chair.

  “Which makes it crystal clear,” he continued. “He’s not comfortable with who he is.”

  My heart twisted. “Luke…”

  Luke shook his head. “He’s not, Sage. Yes, he’s told you and Nick, but his parents still don’t know anything, after three whole months. He hasn’t told them about me. He said he would, but he hasn’t. The only reason I met them was because of you. He hasn’t done anything. He’s fine with them just thinking of me as ‘Luke from down the street.’” He sighed. “And it’s not even their street.”

  “No, you’re not…” I tried.

  He ignored me. “So I can’t do it anymore. I love him.” His voice wavered. “It’s probably unhealthy how much I love him, but I can’t go on like this. I’ve tried so hard to be patient, but I’m tired. I want to be with him for real. I want to hold his hand in public and for people to know that he won’t flirt with them because he’s with me. I want him to introduce me as his boyfriend, and I want everything we’ve talked about to actually happen. I want Virginia to happen.”

  My stomach swirled with a feeling that he wasn’t just referring to their Charlottesville getaway. Charlie’s blue-­and-­orange windbreaker flashed through my mind.

  “See?” Luke fell back on his bed. “He hasn’t even told you that.” He groaned. “Charlie Carmichael gets into one of the best schools in the country and tells no one.”

  Suddenly I was crying. “No, Luke, he has.” I blinked, and remembered. Here we are, UVA! the Snapchat had read, but I really hadn’t picked up on the we. It was so subtle. But Charlie had said something, in his own way. I told Luke as much.

  “That hardly qualifies,” he said, then smiled sadly. “I mean, now we’re stuck together. You know, since it was early decision.” He took off his glasses. “Binding.”

  “Please don’t do this,” I whispered. “Don’t give up on him. He loves you. So much.”

  “I know he loves me,” Luke said. “But it’s not enough.” He rubbed his eyes. “I can’t wait until college, Sage…and I don’t think he should either. It’s like he keeps telling himself that once he’s somewhere new, where nobody knows him, the switch will be magically flipped. I want to believe him, but I’m not sure he truly believes that himself. If Charlie is really going to accept himself, and be himself, it needs to be now, among all the people who love him.”

  * * *

  I really didn’t want to, but I agreed to be Luke’s courier. I’d return Charlie’s things and get Luke’s back. “This is a comprehensive list of everything he has,” he said before I left, handing over a piece of paper. “Make sure you get it all.” And all I did was nod and say okay. I didn’t tell him I thought he was being harsh, maybe even cruel.

  Then I set off for Daggett.

  “Charlie?” I said, knocking on his door. “It’s me. Can I come in?”

  No answer.

  I pushed the door open anyway and found Charlie wearing faded sweatpants and Luke’s gray Adidas sweatshirt. My shoulders slumped; I didn’t need to check the list to know it was number one with a bullet. Charlie was curled up on his couch, and I saw his eyes were even worse than Luke’s—­not just red, but bloodshot.

  “Hey,” I said gently, tucking the breakup box behind his desk. “Did you sleep?”

  His voice was a croak. “No.”

  I joined him on the couch and took his hand. “Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked. “Why didn’t you tell me about UVA?”

  Charlie didn’t answer.

  I squeezed his fingers.

  “I didn’t not tell you,” he said quietly.

  “No, I know,” I said, eyes prickling as I noticed the blue-­and-­orange VIRGINIA pennant tacked up by his house flag. “But, why? Why there?”

  “Because it’s exactly what I want,” he replied. “I told you: I want to get out of here, I want somewhere big, I want…”

  “Him,” I guessed. “You want him.”

  There was a beat of hesitation, but then Charlie nodded.

  Oh, Charlie, I thought.

  Right on cue, his head dropped into his hands. “I know I shouldn’t have done it, Sage, but…” His voice quavered. “I just found him, he just found me, and we don’t want to be apart.”

  We don’t want to be apart.

  I remembered thinking that back in eighth grade, when first hearing that the twins were applying to Bexley, and again this fall, during college application season. Now, I couldn’t help but feel a small burst of pride, knowing that even though my friends and I would be at different schools next year, nothing could truly separate us. We would be fine.

  No, better than fine, I decided, thinking of Nick. We’ll be epic.

  “But you know what’s happened.” Charlie looked up, tears streaming down his face. “He says that unless I get it together, we’re over.”

  I sucked in a deep breath. “Then get it together, Charlie.”

  He shook his head. “I can’t.”

  “Why not?” I asked. “Yes, you’re gay, and that’s far from the easiest thing to tell your family, but you’ve come so far! I know, Nick knows, and nothing has changed. Absolutely nothing. We still love you, and your parents will too. There’s no reason to keep putting this off. If you want to be with Luke, you need to tell everyone the truth. Why are you so scared?”

  “Because it’s too late,” he said. “Because I’m already him.”

  I gave him a look, confused. “Because you’re him?”

  “Yes.” His voice flatlined. “Because I’m him—­I’m that guy. Bexley’s big man on campus. People think I’m that guy, my parents think I’m that guy, and I’ve worked so hard to make that happen.” He
raked a hand through his hair. “I’ve known for years, Sage. I’ve known for years that I’m…the way I am. I’d notice some random kid’s eyes through his hockey helmet…or another’s smile on the soccer field. And Cal, of course. There was Cal.” He swallowed. “Girls are nice…all those girls were nice, but that’s it. Nice. The only reason I hooked up with them was to shield myself, to hide myself.” He shook his head. “To be the guy everyone wants me to be, expects me to be…”

  “Well, not me,” I said when he trailed off, a lump in my throat. “I don’t want you to be that guy.” I hugged him. “And neither does Luke, and neither does Nick. We want you to be happy. We want you to be you.”

  Charlie buried his face in my shoulder. “People will talk.” He shuddered. “It’ll be a shitstorm. I don’t understand why Luke can’t just wait for UVA. I’ll be better, then. I can’t handle it all right now.”

  “Yes, you can,” I said. “Be brave, Charlie. You shouldn’t keep hiding, you shouldn’t wait any longer to be yourself.” I paused, uneasy but unable to lie to him. Everybody talked, and he had a reputation. “I mean, yeah, they’ll be shocked, but you can count on me to hold any shitstorm’s umbrella.”

  I waited for a laugh, even for the ghost of one, but Charlie didn’t chuckle.

  “It’ll pass, Charlie,” I added. “Everyone loves you, no matter who you are. It’ll pass.”

  Again, Charlie didn’t respond. He just cried harder.

  Chapter 35

  Charlie

  Monday morning, I stared into my watery scrambled eggs, wishing they were one of Luke’s omelets. “Hey, are you going to eat that?” Matt Gallant pointed his fork at my plate. I glanced up to see that he’d already demolished his waffles. My stomach twisted, regretting not blowing off class to stay in bed. Maybe I’ll go to the infirmary, I thought. Sleep the day away.

  “All yours,” I told Matt, right as Paddy joined us and let out a long sigh.