Four Beheadings and a Funeral

by Ugland, Eric

  “Thank you,” I said, selecting number two. While number one seemed more useful on the surface, The Blessing of the Blend sounded cooler and could yield some really weird shit, and I felt like the Coggeshall Lifeweaver Timurlan would really dig the possibilities.

  “You have done this quest for me,” she said, “at great personal expense. Thank you, Montana of Coggeshall.”

  * * *

  BE AWARE: You have received Eona’s Blessing of the Blend. Within your holding, you and your followers will be able to blend breeds and races together that might not be viable in any other situation Some might look upon this blessing with joy, others with anger. A side has been chosen.

  * * *

  She blinked out of existence, and I woke up on Fritz’s back, a thick line of drool coming out of my mouth.

  “Oh come on!” I shouted at Mister Paul, who I knew was laughing from wherever he was watching.

  I got dropped off outside the city, near the big tree.

  “Hey,” I called out before Fritz could launch himself back towards Coggeshall. “Thanks, buddy.”

  He nodded at me, and scratched something in the dirt.

  “Hapy to hlp.” He wrote a little more. “Stay saif.”

  We needed to work on his spelling, but I appreciated the effort.

  “Will do,” I said. “You too.”

  Another nod, and then he launched into the sky. As always, I was awestruck by the size and power of his roc form. He was so incredibly big that it hurt my brain a little. I mean, it just didn’t make sense that something made of muscle and bone could be so large and still fly. Not only that, but still fly while carrying heavy things around. And we had no idea what his actual weight limit was yet — we’d tried, but everything we’d asked, he’d managed to lift.

  I started the long slow walk back to the city, then waited in line with the rest of the plebes trying to get inside. I made up a stupid story about being drunk and trying to go questing to explain why I had a sword with no scabbard and chain mail with no tabard. Eventually, as the afternoon slipped into evening and the winter sun ducked behind clouds, I made it all the way back to my inn. The guards were once again out front, and they actually gave me a nod of acknowledgement when I got close.

  As soon as I got into our rooms, Emeline hit me with a frowning glare.

  “What?” I asked.

  “What the fuck is going on?” she asked.

  “Where? With who? Are you okay?”

  “You found vampires?”

  “Oh, yeah. Here, yes, vampires. All around. I think. Actually, strike that, I have no idea how many are here. Just, you know, that they’re here. And that the Master is one of them.”

  “I wouldn’t have thought,” she started, then shook her head. “I didn’t think it was Vampires.”

  She walked over to the window and looked outside, watching the clouds.

  “Where is Eliza?” I asked, realizing how quiet the place seemed.

  “Fancy dinner,” Emeline said, eyes still focused out the window.

  “You weren’t invited?”

  “No,” she said. “I’m to stay here. Be invisible. Make sure no one breaks in. Tell you what you missed.”

  “What did I miss?”

  “Nothing.”

  A gentle weight settled on my shoulder.

  “Might want to get changed,” Bear whispered in my ear. “We have work to do and it doesn’t include hanging out at this pity party.”

  I nodded, and I went into my sleeping room. Someone, likely Eliza, had taken the time to lay out clothes for me, basic stuff that mostly fit, but notably a Northwoods tabard at the top.

  “Am I supposed to meet them at dinner?” I asked the air.

  “I think that was the plan,” Bear said, still whispering, but sitting on my bed. “But you also received a summons from the Imperial House. Not sure which takes precedence.”

  “You aren’t sure?”

  “I’m sure. Are you?”

  I sighed. Sass, everywhere I looked. And sadly, it wasn’t even a matter of etiquette were I could pull out my new fangled book and point out the proper thing to do and lord that over Bear. I had to go to the Imperial House first because vampires and the killing of monsters.

  While I struggled to get the trousers on, I pointed to the naked blade leaning by the door, the sword I’d taken from the vampire the previous night.

  “Is that magical?” I asked.

  She spread her hands out for a moment, doing a little razzle-dazzle.

  I got the trousers on, fumbling with lacing up the front. I couldn’t wait for the zipper to be invented.

  * * *

  The Bastard Sword Of Breaking

  Item Type: Rare

  Item Class: One-handed Melee, Two-handed Melee

  Material: Steel

  Damage: 75-120 (Slashing)

  Durability: 20/20

  Weight: 4.8 lbs

  Requirements: Str 14

  Description: A larger straight bladed sword having a cruciform hilt with a grip for one or two handed use. There is a chance on hitting an opponents weapon that the opponent’s weapon will be destroyed. If an opponent has natural weapons, those are maimed. (e.g., claws are broken, teeth are shattered, etc.).

  * * *

  “Huh,” I said. “That’s pretty not bad.”

  “Teeth shattering would be quite useful against vampires,” Bear nodded. “Might want to get a scabbard for that though.”

  “Don’t suppose you know of a place on the way to the Imperial House.”

  She shook her tiny head.

  I put my fingers through a few of the holes in my chain mail hauberk, wishing I had some other option. But there’s the great saying about wishes and fishes, so I put the armor on, and my tabard over that, and finally slid the sword — carefully mind you — through my belt on my left side, ready to be drawn cross-body. The axe was on my right hip. I nodded at Bear.

  “Let’s go.”

  Emeline wasn’t ready to let me go, however.

  She stood in between me and the door, and she was dressed in her night-mission blacks.

  “Where are we going?” Emeline asked.

  “I’m going to the Imperial House,” I said. “To talk to the Viceroy.”

  “I’ll come with you.”

  “Yeah, I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  “You haven’t even heard what I got from my contacts last night.”

  “Bear did though, right?”

  Bear nodded. “I got it all,” she said.

  “The brownie isn’t from here,” Emeline snapped, “I know this city.”

  “I know you do. And I know you don’t want to be left behind to babysit this shit, but you can’t come to the Imperial House. And you can’t be seen by anyone the Master is working with. Which, right now, could be anyone, because I can’t tell the difference between a vampire or a non-vampire. So you need to stay here. At least for now.”

  “Dammit Montana! You know I can help do this.”

  “I know you can,” I replied, trying to radiate a sense of calm. “But that’s not the thing, dude. That’s not what we need. We don’t need you going ham on this situation. We need you laying low, because this isn’t the only quest in your life. You’ve got other things to do.”

  She glared at me. But it was the sort of look that told me she knew I was right and she was really fucking pissed about it. She stomped over to the couch, and threw herself down.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, “but—”

  “Just get out of here already,” she said.

  So we left.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  The Imperial House was busy. People everywhere — lines of chattering people waiting for their chance to get inside and yell at mid-level bureaucratic servants. It was not a festive atmosphere. It was something more akin to being on the cusp of a protest. People were angry, and it was fomenting through the crowd.

  I didn’t want to wait in line, so I went over to a guard and
let him know that the Viceroy had asked to see me in person. The guard was about to make the statement I’d given a thousand times as a bouncer. “Of course he did,” when Captain Alexander Czubakowski happened to be striding through the crowded lobby.

  “Hero!” he called out. “Why are you here?”

  At the name Hero, plenty of people in the crowd turned around to see who I was. Which was not my plan. Lots of whispering.

  “Here to see the Viceroy,” I said quietly.

  “Ah,” Czubakowski said loudly, “Léon is having quite a busy day. Lots of strange things in progress. But I’m sure he will have time for the Hero of Osterstadt.”

  “I don’t,” I started, “I mean, you don’t need to call me that.”

  “It is an earned name, so of course I do,” he replied, talking to me like I was an idiot.

  He steered me through the crowd and past the guards until I was on the other side of the public-private divide, and then escorted me down a hallway.

  “It is always good to see you,” Czubakowski said. “And I am glad you are here in Osterstadt.”

  “Uh, thank you.”

  He knocked on the door, then walked away.

  There was a pause before a young man opened the door and peeked out at me.

  “The Viceroy is not receiving visitors right now,” he said meekly.

  “Let him know Montgomery Northwoods is here as per his request.”

  “I don’t think that—”

  “Gods, who is it?” shouted out Léon from somewhere behind the door. “Just let them in at this rate.”

  The young man grimaced, but dutifully moved out of the way and ushered me inside.

  Léon was standing above a map of the city, looking a bit haggard.

  “You been to sleep yet?” I asked.

  “Oddly, that has yet to be on my agenda,” he replied. But he was smiling warmly, and he came around the map table to embrace me. “I am glad you came. Wish you were here a little earlier, but—”

  “Is something going on outside?”

  “Somewhat obvious, yes? That’s the problem with killing someone important in the city. They have sway. Power. And they use it when something happens they don’t like.”

  He walked over and around his desk, dropping into the chair like he was carrying bricks. Then he sighed, long and loud.

  “Naturally,” he said, “the parents would not believe their children had become vampires, even when presented with their corpses and plenty of evidence. They are trying to imply there is some form of coverup or conspiracy going on, and because they are willing to spread gold around, plenty of voices are joining in the cry against the Empire. Though how this might benefit the Empire is beyond me.”

  “I suppose that depends on if you’re under the mistaken belief the Emperor is a vampire.”

  “The dead one?”

  “Undead in that case.”

  “Yes, I guess there is the chance the Emperor is of the undead and plans to turn the entire Empire into something of darkness. We could make Osterstadt the next great necropolis! But come on — how divorced from reality are these people?”

  “Their children died. I’d say they have the right to be somewhat divorced form reality.”

  “Died? They were killed. And before you try and make some sort of statement about how you were defending yourself, it wasn’t you who killed them. You killed the monsters they became — the vampire who turned them is the one who killed them.”

  “As much as I appreciate that, I’m not sure anyone but you will see it that way.”

  “Yes, well, it’s important someone sees the truth of the matter.”

  “Hey, that monster hunter in transit, is—”

  “He is no longer in transit, he is here!” Léon said, getting to his feet. “He is looking over the corpses. We should go there.”

  Léon was already moving, an almost manic-like energy to him all of a sudden. I quickly followed him through a door, down a hall, down some stairs, and into the basement.

  Three heavy doors were on one side of the corridor, well-spaced apart. Léon knocked on the middle door, then pushed it open.

  A creature I assumed was the monster hunter leaned over the bodies, which had been laid out on stone tables. Notably, the heads sat far away from their necks, at each man’s respective feet. The monster hunter was a big dude, very muscled, with a big cloak that was laying over on a chair. He was covered with small, and not so small pouches. A bit like he’d been drawn by Rob Liefeld. Except the monster hunter’s anatomy wasn’t all messed up.

  The monster hunter looked over his shoulder at me. I shook my head and smiled.

  “Motherfucker,” I said.

  “Montana,” Yuri the lion man said, standing up straight.

  “Wait,” Léon said, looking from Yuri to me and back. “You two know each other?”

  “We’ve done a little monster hunting in the past,” I said.

  “A drang in Mahrduhm,” Yuri said in perfect Imperial common. “But I did not expect to see you again here.”

  “I’m impressed you came,” I said.

  “I thought about what we spoke on, about what sort of life I had in Mahrduhm. And, perhaps had this opportunity not presented itself, I wouldn’t be here in this country. And yet, here I am because there was need of me here.”

  “Vampires.”

  “Indeed. Is this your handiwork?”

  “It is,” I said.

  “I don’t even think I need to be here,” Léon said.

  “The town, do they know about the vampires?” Yuri asked.

  “The citizens?” Léon replied. “Yes. Unfortunately, those young men there represent some of the most influential families in Osterstadt.”

  “And you told the families what happened?”

  “I did. I had to.”

  “Then we are in a race,” he said.

  “What do you mean?” I asked.

  “A race,” Yuri said. “Between the vampires and us. As soon as they know we know about them, they will have no need to hide their activities. They will try to accelerate the changing of people into vampires, until we are unable to stop them.”

  “Well fuck,” I said. “How hard is this going to be?”

  “Cleaning up the town?” he replied. “Harder than killing the glaumdrang, that’s is a surety.”

  Chapter Forty

  Yuri and I left the Imperial House from the service entrance. It would be fair to say that we slipped out the back, slunk down some darkened alleys, and came out into the main streets when we were sufficiently distant so that we wouldn’t be pegged as being part of the Imperium. Yuri, for his part, had a large cloak with a hood pulled low over his head. It was actually hard to tell he wasn’t human, considering how much of him was covered. Sure, if he started talking, it was a little more obvious, or if he took his hands out of his gloves and you saw the fur. But otherwise, human. Big for a human, nearly matching me in size. But then again, it’s not like I was human either.

  “What’s the plan here?” I asked.

  “It is to be my plan this time?” he asked, a wry smile peeking out from under his hood.

  “I don’t think we can just go around killing people this time.”

  “No,” he shook his head, “we likely face an ancient enemy. One who is powerful and intelligent. We will be on our back feet.”

  “So how do we hunt vampires?”

  “The same way you hunt anything — with patience, intelligence, cunning, and a lot of large weapons.”

  He laughed at his own joke, and then stopped, looking around. “Where are we in this accursed city?” he asked.

  “Not a big fan of Osterstadt?” I replied.

  “It is cold, damp, dark, and the people are rude. What, exactly, should I be a fan of?”

  “There are these fried sausage things. To die for.”

  “Perhaps when I eat one, I will come around and declare my love for this place. In the meanwhile--“

  “Let’s go g
et some.”

  “What?”

  “Sausages.”

  He shook his head. “You do not seem to understand the time pressure we are under.”

  “And you seem to think you can go hunting in a place you’ve never been.”

  He hesitated, then nodded. “It might be a good idea to get a lay of the land.”

  “And we can do that while trying to find the sausage cart,” I said, clapping him on his giant shoulder, and steering him along.

  “Any chance that’s from an older woman with a rather pronounced nose?” came a familiar voice right behind me.

  I had the sword out and up at the throat of the conversational interloper before I’d actually figured out who was talking.

  The old mancer from the Imperial House. I didn’t let up with the blade.

  “Are you following us?” I asked.

  “Of course I was,” the old man said, then swatted my blade away with one gnarled hand. “How else was I going to find you?”

  “Who is this?” Yuri asked quietly in Mahrduhmese.

  “A wizard that works for the Empire,” I replied.

  “I’m not really a wizard,” the old man said, speaking in Mahrduhmese himself. “I don’t have the book learning one would normally have with that particular Choice. I’m more a hermetically inclined researcher with a bent towards the arcane and bizarre.”

  “Why were you trying to find us?” I asked.

  “I’m no fan of vampires, and as far as I understood the matter, it seemed you might be inclined to take some assistance.”

  “Just out of the goodness of your heart?”

  “I wouldn’t say that,” he replied, a weird little smile dancing across his wrinkled face. “I happen to know exactly who you are, and what you might be able to offer a man like me.”

  Yuri looked over at me, one furry eyebrow raised.

  “I am going by the name Montgomery Northwoods here,” I explained. “My lord wants me to keep things secret, if I can.”