Four Beheadings and a Funeral

by Ugland, Eric

  “I don’t know, maybe because you denied my existence and ruined my mother’s life.”

  Philomon slammed his hands down on the table, making his cup jump and spill some of the still steaming liquid.

  “You see things from her perspective,” Philomon snapped. “And she has poisoned you against me.”

  Emeline was fuming at this retort. Looking between the two of them, it was real easy to see they were related.

  “I will let you decide the fate of your friends,” Philomon said softly. “If you tell me the truth.”

  “Wait,” I said.

  Both Philomon and Emeline snapped to look at me.

  “You are no longer part of this,” Emeline said. “What truth is it you want?”

  Father and daughter glared at each other, and we all waited.

  “You know exactly what it is I am after.”

  She gritted her teeth, and I saw her eyes flick towards me.

  I thought about giving her some reassurance that I would make sure the Master died. That she didn’t need to worry about it. And yet, the last time I’d tried to intervene between these two, it hadn’t gone so well. This was something she’d have to decide on her own. So instead of saying anything, I just leaned back in my chair.

  There was a creak as the wood legs of my chair protested, and perhaps it should have been something I listened to, but, instead, I just crossed my arms, and stayed leaned back. For about a second before the wood gave up, cracked, and I went ass over tea kettle to the ground in a shower of splintered wood.

  “Now you know why Giles stands,” Philomon said, deadpan.

  I shook my head while laying there on the floor, trying to figure out how to pick myself up without looking like a complete jackass. That’s definitely one thing about breaking a chair while sitting in it. There is literally no way to come back from that without—

  A notification popped up.

  * * *

  Cool Beans, you’ve learned the skill Advanced Furniture Deconstruction. Like Ikea, but in reverse!

  * * *

  I sighed. It was good to have this game world around to keep you humble. I guess.

  “I’ll do it,” Emeline said quietly.

  “Duke of Coggeshall,” Philomon said, “you and the others may wait upstairs while I speak with my daughter. When the time comes, I will send Giles up, and you will send those who need to leave the city back down. Understood?”

  I nodded.

  Then I got up off the floor and ushered the rest of the group upstairs. Just as we stepped behind the bar again, I heard Emeline start talking.

  Chapter Forty-Nine

  Once upstairs, I immediately wished we had been allowed to remain downstairs. The upstairs was purposefully disgusting. The only mild benefit was that the lookouts weren’t actively engaged in being foul, so we were just stuck in a revolting environment.

  I sat at the bar. Everyone else seemed to think it better to not touch anything.

  The barkeep winked at me as she rubbed a glass with a towel. It did not make the glass any cleaner.

  “You ever get grossed out here?” I asked.

  “Worked in worse places,” she said. “Want a drink?”

  “No,” I said, “I’ve got, uh, a little more I need to tackle this evening, I think.”

  “Your loss.”

  I gave her the best smile I could. She walked to the other end of the bar, peering out the window.

  Her exit gave me a moment for reflection, for thinking over the conversation I’d had with Philomon and putting together everything I’d seen in the city.

  But that didn’t happen, because it seemed like Bear thought it was the perfect time for a little chat.

  “Looks like this is the perfect time for a little chat,” Bear said from her invisible perch on my shoulder.

  I sighed.

  “What?” she asked.

  “I was just hoping to have a second to try and figure out what’s going on in this city,” I said. “But what did you want to chat about?”

  “What’s going on in the city.”

  “Oh.”

  “First, you gotta ask yourself if this vampire master is behind the unrest.”

  “Possibly.”

  “I think it’s likely.”

  “Why?”

  “Because it benefits him the most.”

  “I don’t know. Thinking about the conversations I had with Léon, he was worried about the grumbling coming from the fat cats who didn’t want to pay Imperial taxes.”

  “So you think the rich assholes did this on their own?”

  “I think that’s a more reasonable answer than thinking the master vampire is the mastermind behind—”

  “That the master vampire is a mastermind? That’s what you think is hard to believe? Do you know how long a vampire would need to live in order to be considered a master?”

  “I know nothing of vampires here.”

  “Imagine that makes it a bit challenging to hunt them.”

  I nodded.

  “Would you like to know something about them?”

  “I know this is kind of a weird question, but you’ve made a few references to Earth before, so, uh, how close are they to the vampires on Earth?”

  “Let’s leave the specifics of my travels for another time. As it concerns vampires on Earth, there are enough similarities that it makes one wonder.”

  “About?”

  “If I need to spell it out for you, we’re both in trouble.”

  “If you think we’re not in trouble, we’re in trouble.”

  She giggled at that, and patted my head. “Vampires here still drink blood. They need it to survive and to remain, um, cognizant. Civilized, I guess. The less blood they get, the closer they drop to feral violent creatures.”

  “Like if you cut their head off and let it get put back on, they go feral.”

  “Yes. In their civilized state, they grow and level, but they are limited in Choice.”

  “To Vampire?”

  “Or variants thereof, yeah. And their levels give them abilities and whatnot. No two vampires have the same set of powers. Some can transform into bats, some into wolves. Some into fog. Nearly all have very enhanced strength and speed—”

  “I’ve seen that aspect, and I’m pretty sure I’m stronger. Maybe not faster.”

  “I’d actually be interested to see how you held up against the master vampire as far as strength goes.”

  “How long do you think he’s been alive?”

  “If he is actually a master, minimum of a century. And he’ll have a host of powers that we’ll have no way of knowing.”

  “Weaknesses? Sunlight?”

  “Sunlight, yes. Garlic, no. Running water, no. But they do need permission to enter a home.”

  “That could be useful.”

  “Note I said home. That leaves a lot of other buildings wide open for the taking. They also have a weakness to fire. That is your best bet to kill them. In fact, it is the only way to truly make sure they are dead.”

  “Stake to the heart?”

  “Paralysis, but not death.”

  “And beheading is only temporary.”

  “Unless you destroy the head, yes. Or the body,” she said. “Preferably with fire.”

  “Good thing I’ve got so many fire spells lined up.”

  “It’s worse than that,” she said. “Most any vampire will be on the lookout for fire-based attacks, and will have plenty of ways to avoid your flames. I’ve heard tell of ancients who were able to propel ice from their hands.”

  “They sound cool,” I said.

  Even though invisible, I could still see Bear’s derision and disappointment.

  “Do you think we’ll actually be able to find the bastard?” I asked in a whisper.

  “I fear the greater challenge will remain after we find him.”

  “Killing him?”

  “That, and making it out of Osterstadt alive.”

  “Do you want to l
eave with Eliza?”

  “I am of your hirð. It is more my place to die for you, than you for me.”

  “That’s ridiculous, I’d never ask—”

  “I know you wouldn’t. All the more reason I should. Regardless, I am with you. To whatever end we might find.”

  There was a tap on my shoulder, the opposite one from where Bear happened to be perching. Yuri was standing there.

  “You are the duke of Coggeshall?” he asked.

  I nodded.

  “You are the idiot lord you told me of?”

  “That actually describes me pretty well.”

  “Is there a reason you chose to hide your identity?”

  “Well, the first time it was because I was in Mahrduhm.”

  “And the second?”

  I couldn’t tell if the lion was mad or just curious. Either way, I figured spitting out the truth as fast as possible was the best course.

  “Because I liked having you look at me as an equal instead of a lord.”

  Yuri stood there with his head cocked. I’d caught him off guard. I could see the wheels in his head turning.

  Finally, he smiled, just a little. Which was always a bit disconcerting, because he even though he was an anthropomorphic lion, he was still a lion. With really, really big teeth.

  “I can understand,” he said. “Would you prefer I had not overheard?”

  “I mean, cat’s out of the bag now,” I said, and as soon as it left my mouth, I realized what I had said. “I mean, you know, not that having a cat in a bag, or I mean, putting a cat in a bag is a thing that I would do, or have done. Or I mean, there’s no, uh, I guess it would be better if I just attempted a different metaphor.”

  “Perhaps.”

  “Shutting the barn door after the horse is already out?”

  “Better.”

  Then he laughed, and I felt marginally better.

  “Any chance you’re a secret lord?” I asked.

  “If I am, it would be a secret to me as well.”

  “That’s a damn good secret.”

  “I suppose it would be the most secure of secrets. But if you view me as an equal, I will be honored, and view you similarly.”

  Giles tromped up the stairs.

  “Who is coming?” he asked.

  I looked over at Eliza. She had Lady Paulet by the hand, with Priscilla bringing up the rear.

  “You want to go, Arno?” I asked.

  I could see that the offer surprised him, because he actually took a moment to consider it, but then he shook his head.

  “I want to get my research corpses,” he said with a rather twisted grin. “I will stay.”

  I gave him a nod, and turned to Giles. “Just the three women,” I said. “And Emeline.”

  Giles just grunted at me, then said, “Follow.”

  He tromped right back down the stairs.

  Eliza let Priscilla take Lady Paulet down, but she stopped at me.

  “I will attempt to have Fritz pick us up,” she said. “If I am unsuccessful, I will wait at the tree.”

  “Don’t wait too long,” I said. “I might not be able to get out of here.”

  “You will,” she said with a smile. “I know it. You still have a quest to complete with me.”

  Then she went up on her tippy-toes, grabbed me by the shoulder to pull me down, and kissed me on the cheek.

  “For luck,” she said.

  Then she walked off down the stairs.

  “Oooooh,” Bear squealed into my ear. She popped into visibility so I could see her with her hands clasped together, looking a bit like anime made real.

  Stupid shoulder brownies.

  Chapter Fifty

  We went out into the city, the four of us moving quickly through the square to find a spot where we could figure out the next thing we were going to be doing. I didn’t want to stay at the Murdered Bishop a minute longer than I needed. So about two blocks away, we stepped into the mouth of an alley, and put our heads together.

  “Don’t suppose you’ve got some bonus cloaks in that bag of yours,” I said to Yuri.

  Yuri reached into a pouch and pulled out another of his big black cloaks. He pushed it into Arno’s hands, and then got another one and shoved it at me.

  “Wow, okay,” I said. “Thanks. Now we can all look the same.”

  Bear made herself visible, and hopped from my shoulder over to Yuri.

  Arno had pulled his cloak on, hood up. He looked like a little kid. He just sort of disappeared into the yards of fabric.

  “Yeah, I don’t look the same at all,” Arno said.

  “We’ll make it work,” I replied, pulling the cloak over myself.

  “Hello little fairy,” Yuri said, giving a slight bow of his head to the brownie.

  She returned a bow to him.

  But Yuri turned to me, no smile on his face.

  “Montana,” he said, “you are willing to make deals with those from the Feedoheem? To trust them?”

  “Eh, well,” I said, “she’s a little different, being that she’s part of my hirð and all.”

  Yuri blinked twice, then looked back at Bear.

  “You have a hirð?” Arno asked.

  “I do,” I said.

  “I was unaware of that.”

  “Sorry?”

  “I have sworn my services and my life to my lord, the duke of Coggeshall,” Bear said. “And I am not like other fairies you may have heard of, who only seek to weasel out of deals.”

  “Yeah,” I said, “she’s different. Not like the other girls.”

  “Exactly. Wait—”

  “Besides, there’s a whole bunch that live in Coggeshall. So, you know, they’re part of the community and if they try and screw over any of my people, they’re out on their own.”

  “Coggeshall sounds very intriguing,” Arno said.

  “You can’t study any of them,” I snapped.

  “I would never.”

  “You would always.”

  “Not right away.”

  I frowned at him.

  “I apologize, little fairy,” Yuri said. “I welcome the opportunity to work and learn with you.”

  “Thank you,” Bear said. “He’s a proper gentleman.”

  “You can ride on his shoulder then,” I replied.

  “Maybe I will.”

  “Let’s get this spell working,” I said, looking up at the sky, trying to gauge the time. Looking at where the moons were, I figured we still at least an hour or two to midnight. And, oddly, it wasn’t that cold.

  “We need the blood of a vampire,” Bear said.

  “Okay, well,” I said, “fuck. Arno, think we can get that girl and do the whole bait thing?”

  Arno shook his head under the big hood of his cloak. “No way Dominic lets any of his girls out tonight. The crowds are too dangerous.”

  “There is something I was considering,” Yuri said. “We thought the vampires might be attracted to the fight earlier. Where there might be the bloodshed by plenty of humans.”

  “I still think there is something to that plan,” Arno said.

  “Just dangerous,” I said. “We’ll have to get close to the mob. And I don’t think we’re going to blend in very well. Unless, Bear—?”

  “I can’t make you all invisible and still have the juice to cast more spells today,” she said. “If I do that, I’m tapped until the next sunlight.”

  “Okay, so we have to be sneaky,” I said. “Let’s get to the edge of the mob, see if we can find someone being creepy and drooling over necks. Vampires still bite necks, right?”

  “Sure,” Bear said. “They bite anywhere they can get blood. And a neck has good veins, right?”

  “Let’s go,” I said.

  We moved quickly through the streets, Arno leading, Bear on Yuri’s shoulder in the middle, and me at the back. Arno did look a bit ridiculous in his oversized cloak, but given the shadows of the night, we were actually doing a pretty swell job blending into the darkness. Once a
gain, as we got closer to the main thoroughfare, homes were locked up, businesses were closed, and people were out on the streets. Cries echoed through the mild-winter night.

  We went down each street as quickly as possible, pausing at alleys, slinking through side streets, and keeping clear of street lights. It was unnerving, because it was hard to figure out where anything was actually happening.

  We finally stopped at a square. Arno was trying to pinpoint the best place to get a view of the mob without the mob getting a view of us.

  “Why’s it so warm?” I asked, sweating under the cloak.

  “Big working,” Bear whispered from her Yuri-perch. “Someone is making sure the mob feels comfortable outside. Snow’d push them back in.”

  “Can you undo it?”

  “It’s beyond me.”

  “Arno,” I called out.

  “It’s more than anything I can do,” Arno replied.

  “Who in Osterstadt could pull that off?”

  “The Magic Circle has plenty of high level spell slingers,” he said. “And they’re only in it for the coin. They can be bought.”

  “Unlike you guys?” I asked.

  “We might be a little bought, but we swear to serve the Empire. I can’t cast anything that will hurt the Empire.”

  “I’m sure there’s a way around it.”

  “Maybe, but I know all the other Imperial Mancers here, and none of them have experience with large weather-based spells. Something like this, I would bet there’s more than one mancer working on it. Still, not all bad — working like this will make it harder for anyone else to see the magic we’ll be using.” He nodded, then pointed to the easternmost exit to the square. “That way.”

  A few more blocks, and we got to the outer fringes as the mob headed westward, toward the Emerald Sea. And, if I had to guess, the Legion barracks.

  Arno knelt at the edge of an alley. Yuri darted across the street and took up a similar position. We were about a block from the edges of the crowd, and about two blocks from the main avenue where it was a shoulder-to-shoulder sea of torches.

  “Now what?” I asked. “You just cast identify at everyone until you find a vampire?”

  Arno looked over his shoulder at me and made a face. “I didn’t even think of doing something like that. I suppose that’s better than trying to spot someone getting drained.”