Don't Tell Penny

by Anna Bell

  I see Penny panic as she looks at her watch.

  ‘Don’t worry, you’ve still got plenty of time. He could still do it,’ I say reassuringly. ‘By the end of the night you’ll be breaking out the savings and starting to plan. How are they going anyway?’

  Mark really is one of life’s little planners. He suggested that they set up a wedding savings plan where they direct debit each month into. Terribly sensible, and terribly foresightful seeing as they aren’t even engaged.

  Penny starts to fidget and I see a look in Penny’s eyes that I can’t interpret, but before I can try, it’s gone.

  ‘Fine, fine, fine,’ she says enthusiastically. ‘In fact, we’re doing much better than planned.’

  I wonder if Mark’s got another bonus from work. I’m about to ask Penny where their recent windfall has come from, but we’re interrupted by Mark returning.

  He deposits the cooler bucket with the Prosecco on the table, before heading off to the bar to pick up the beers. I watch as Penny takes out her lip gloss and reapplies it. I’m surprised her lips aren’t as big as Angelina Jolie’s with the amount she’s put on over the course of the evening.

  Mark brings over the beers and then bends down on the other side of the table.

  ‘Ouch!’ Penny has practically assaulted me climbing over me to get out of the seats. She’s shaking back her hair and puffing out her chest and I’m straining to see what Mark’s got in his hands.

  ‘Pen, what are you doing?’ he asks.

  ‘I, um, I was just on my way to the toilet,’ she says, in a deflated tone. ‘Unless this is a bad time?’

  ‘Why would it be a bad time?’

  ‘Never mind,’ she says shrugging her shoulders and storming off.

  I get up and walk past Mark tying his shoelaces. Poor Penny, I think for the billionth time tonight as I go after her.

  ‘Maybe it wasn’t meant to be a reminder for tonight. Maybe he had to go pick the ring up from the shop today,’ I say, when I find her in the toilet, staring into the mirror.

  ‘No. I’m sure it’s going to be tonight, I mean why would he change the drinks from the Stag and Hounds to here? I mean it’s not like Mark to come somewhere so fancy.’

  ‘I just don’t want to see you upset if it doesn’t happen.’

  ‘I know, but don’t worry, it will. You’ll see, I’ll be engaged to be Mrs Mark Robinson before the end of the night.’

  ‘Lou,’ she says when we get back to the table. ‘Why don’t you tell us about when you and Russell got engaged.’

  I take a moment to absorb what she’s said as she’s certainly changed her tune from the ban she put on engagement talk earlier.

  ‘Blimey, no one wants to hear about that, Pen,’ says Russell.

  ‘Oi,’ I say, giving him a poke in the ribs.

  ‘Of course they do,’ says Jane leaning over in anticipation.

  ‘Um, really?’ I’m not entirely sure what’s going on in Penny’s mind, but I can see the look of desperation in her eyes as she nods her head in encouragement. ‘Ok, so it was a beautiful autumnal afternoon, and Russell took me for a walk in the Surrey Hills. The trees were rustic colours and the fallen leaves were all crunchy underfoot. It was all romantic and peaceful.’

  ‘Bullshit!’ says Russell, interrupting. ‘You were moaning because your trainers were leaking and then you trod in dog shit and demanded I take you home.’

  ‘So, I was reluctant in the beginning. We started walking up a ridge of a hill, and maybe I swore a little on the way up, but then we got to the top and were looking over the other hills in all their autumn glory and it took my breath away. We found a bench at the top and stopped to take it all in.

  ‘Russell took out a flask of Baileys hot chocolate from his bag and we ate gooey chocolate-covered flapjacks that he’d made himself. And then when I thought it couldn’t get any better, he pulled out a little camping stove and we toasted marshmallows on it.’

  I don’t know if the bubbles have gone to my head, but I’ve never told this so romantically before. In fact, I don’t think that I’ve ever really told the full story in such detail. My stomach’s suddenly got butterflies in it, and my cheeks are burning. Sometimes I forget that Russell can be quite romantic when he wants to be. I shuffle up a little bit closer to him.

  ‘And then when he reached into his bag for what he called his next surprise, I was shocked that there was more to come, and all of a sudden I looked down, and there was this lovely sparkling ring. It was just so perfect, there on that beautiful spot. I said yes, and we walked back to a little pub where we went for dinner and celebrated.’

  I turn and look Russell in the eye, and at that moment my heart almost bursts with how much I love him. I guess I’m guilty of taking him for granted at times, and I do sometimes forget how how lovely he is.

  I lean over and give him a kiss, which leads to wolf-whistles and calls to get a room from the rest of the table. I did only mean it to be a little kiss on the lips but I guess I got a bit carried away. It was probably the wrong side of steamy for a public place.

  ‘That’s such a beautiful story,’ says Jane. I can see a glint of a tear in her eye. ‘That sounds almost as perfect as our proposal, doesn’t it, Phil?’

  I’m still flushed and trying to recover from the kiss which seems to have stirred something inside me so I don’t react at all to her backhanded compliment.

  ‘So what was your engagement like, then?’ Penny asks.

  ‘Well, we were in the Maldives.’

  Of course they were. No proposal in a normal place for Jane.

  ‘We were staying in this stunning five-star hotel and we had this fabulous bungalow on stilts over the water. It had this amazing deck that ran round the whole place and it had steps into the ocean so you could climb down for a swim whenever you wanted. On our very first night, I had just got ready for dinner when I came out to find the deck covered in candles and there were rose petals with an arrow towards the steps down to the water. It was so beautiful, the sun was setting. I followed the petals, and then I saw Phil, bending down on one knee in the shallow water with a ring in his hands. I screamed and made him walk up so I could say yes properly.’

  ‘And by “yes properly”, she means she wanted to inspect the ring before she decided.’

  ‘Phil, don’t ruin my romantic story.’

  ‘Sorry. To tell you the truth I’d been waiting bloody ages and my leg looked like it belonged to an old man by the time she popped her head over the side. I’d set it all up when I heard her in the shower, not quite realising how long it would take her to get ready.’

  ‘It’s not my fault the electricity made my hairdryer go slower than usual, is it?’

  I give Russell’s knee a quick squeeze, definitely didn’t beat our story. Or at least it doesn’t when you add in the fact that they sound like they’re perpetually on the brink of divorce with their bickering.

  ‘Well, it’s a lovely story. So romantic. Don’t you think Mark?’ says Penny. I can see she’s trying to stop world war three from erupting between Jane and Phil.

  ‘Yeah, very nice guys. I’ve got some tough stories to beat before I propose too, Pen.’

  ‘Mark, you know I wouldn’t care how you proposed to me.’

  I try not to laugh as despite what came out of Penny’s mouth it was almost like she had a thought bubble popping out of her head that said, just as long you bloody propose!

  ‘That’s good then. I’ll bear that in mind.’

  ‘So Mark, what’s the plan now that you’re finished? Are you going to move firms?’ asks Jane.

  I’m almost expecting to see steam billow out of Penny’s ears as Mark starts talking contracts and partners and things that seem a world away from proposals. Penny’s stormed off to the bar and I’m not going to go after her this time as I don’t know what I would say. I don’t think Mark is going to pop the question tonight now and I know she’s going to be devastated.

  My thoughts are interrupted by Ru
ssell, who has started stroking my thigh.

  ‘Are you feeling ok?’ I ask him. Two bits of affection in one night? Clearly the booze has got to him too.

  ‘Just touching my wife, nothing wrong with that is there?’

  Oh boy, he’s got that look in his eyes . . . that look that says he’s going to be rolling over to my side of the bed tonight. But as he runs his hands over my sheer tights I begin to think that it might be me rolling over to his side of the bed rather than vice versa.

  I’m getting just a bit hot under the collar when Penny unceremoniously plonks an ice bucket with more Prosecco on the table. But before she can pour any, Mark’s reaches over and grabs the bottle, refilling all our glasses.

  ‘I think I should make a toast,’ he says.

  I sneak a look at Penny, who’s full on pouting and her hair is suddenly being smoothed down again. Maybe this is the moment we’ve all been waiting for.

  ‘I’d just like to say thank you all for making the effort to come to my drinks tonight and to help me celebrate the end of an era. From now on, they’ll be no more excuses not to go to the pub or for a few extra rounds of golf. I’ve finally got my life back. So thanks guys for putting up with me over the last few years. I’d especially like to thank my lovely girlfriend Penny, who has put up with more than most.’

  I give Penny a quick wink. I was wrong! Maybe he’s going to pop the question after all? I’m going to be a bridesmaid before I know it. I’m desperately trying to focus on my excitement for my friend getting engaged rather than the horrors that will come with it. But it’ll be worth it, I mean look how happy she is now; she’s beaming.

  Some women were born to get married, and Penny’s definitely one of them.

  ‘Thanks, Pen, for everything.’

  Mark raises his glasses and everyone starts chinking and turning back to their own conversations. The moment is well and truly over.

  I look at Penny and can see that her eyes are a little bit glossy like she’s holding back tears. She’s also got that grin on her face, the one that she gets when Jane talks about their doubles tennis matches. It’s the look of I’m smiling on the outside but inside I want to rip your head off.

  The toast seems to have been the finale to the night, and it’s like a mass exodus as Mark and Penny’s friends scatter for home. The look of lust in Russell’s eyes has intensified, and I know that I need to get home pretty quickly – when his hand accidentally grazed my boob earlier I almost pounced on him. There’s something about Prosecco that always makes me feel a bit frisky.

  ‘You’re up for a club, aren’t you Lou?’

  I’m suddenly snapped out of a bedroom fantasy.

  ‘I’m sorry, what now?’ I say, my cheeks blushing furiously. I’m terrified that everyone knows what I’ve been thinking about.

  ‘A club, we could go to Fleet. Keep the night going.’

  I give Penny a look which I hope does not scream of pity. I know what she’s trying to do. She’s trying to make the night last as long as she can. But she’s totally lost it. Mark’s never going to propose to her in a nightclub that smells of sweat, where your feet get stuck to the floor.

  ‘I don’t think I’m quite up for a club,’ I say.

  I can’t honestly remember the last time I went to one. Places where the fridges are stocked with psychedelic coloured alcopops and seventeen year olds grind away on the dance floor. I’ve been there done that thank you very much.

  Penny looks over at the only other couple left, Jane and Phil, and she’s got about as much chance getting Jane to set foot in a normal nightclub as she has of Mark proposing at one. It’s not like the club we’d be going to would be the worst in the world, but the Club at the Ivy it isn’t.

  ‘I think Penny we’re just going to head to our room,’ says Jane.

  ‘That’s right. Your room!’ says Penny, the anger almost audible in her voice. ‘Phil surprised Jane with a room here for the night. Isn’t that romantic, Mark?’

  For a minute I think he’s going to spit out the drink he’s just sipped.

  ‘Yeah, nice one mate,’ he says looking as if he’s unsure what the right answer is.

  Clearly sensing the tension, Jane and Phil get up to leave, giving everyone air kisses as they go.

  ‘I think we’ll be off too guys,’ says Russell standing up.

  I usually have to drag him home on a night out, but I think he knows he’s on a promise.

  Penny doesn’t look amused.

  ‘But you can’t go yet, it’s only early.’

  ‘It’s almost twelve and this one will turn into a pumpkin if I don’t get her home soon,’ says Russell.

  ‘Oi,’ I say poking him in the belly, and he smiles at me again. I want him. Right here, right now.

  ‘Well, thanks for coming guys, we should probably make a move too. Shall we share a taxi?’ suggests Mark.

  ‘Great,’ I say, standing up.

  ‘But we can’t. I mean, we’re supposed to be celebrating Mark passing his exams.’

  ‘Pen, we’ve well and truly celebrated and I can barely see straight. Let’s just call it a night.’

  Everyone is now standing round the table and Penny is still sat down with her arms folded as if she’s forming a one woman protest.

  ‘Pen, let’s get going, yeah?’ I say trying to plead with my eyes, hoping that on some womanly level I’m psychically telling her to give it up. It isn’t going to happen tonight. ‘Just come get a taxi with us.’

  ‘Ok,’ she says.

  Did that seem a bit too easy to anyone else? I thought I might be dragging her out by her perfectly fluffy hair.

  The taxi pulls up at our house and I go to give Penny the money to cover our part of the journey.

  ‘It’s ok, we’ll come in for a nightcap,’ she says, shoving a note at the taxi driver and climbing out before I can say a word.

  Russell and I exchange glances. We’ve already got our own plans and they definitely don’t feature Penny and Mark.

  ‘Um, perhaps some other time,’ says Russell, ‘it’s been a long week and . . . ’

  He tails off, but I know he wants to add something along the lines of we’re about to have hot animalistic sex.

  ‘Come on, Pen,’ says Mark. ‘Get back in the taxi.’

  ‘Just one little drink, so we can toast Mark, you know, just us.’

  Penny’s turned and headed to our front door, and as stunned as I am I know there’s no point protesting. When Penny has something in her head it’s usually there to stay.

  ***

  We’ve been sat in our lounge for an hour. An hour! A quick nightcap? We’ve had a bottle of Cava and I definitely can’t drink any more. Russell’s practically groping me in front them, Mark looks embarrassed and Penny’s oblivious to our not-so-subtle hints to get them to leave.

  ‘Right,’ says Russell standing up, and doing a theatrical yawn. ‘I’m afraid I’m going to have to kick you guys out, it’s time for bed.’

  I can see he’s far from being tired; he’s got a twinkle in his eye.

  ‘Great, come on Pen,’ says Mark practically leaping up and running out the door.

  ‘Do you not want another bottle?’ Penny slurs, shaking the empty one.

  ‘I think it’s time to go home, hun. We’ve all had enough,’ I say diplomatically.

  I’m wondering what she’s about to do next. She’s got this look like she’s a volcano ready to erupt.

  ‘But what about the ring!’ she shouts. ‘Don’t we need to wait for the ring?’

  ‘What are you talking about?’ asks Mark.

  ‘The message on your phone, “don’t forget ring” it said.’

  Mark scratches his head.

  ‘You mean the one that said don’t forget ring Nan about Howard’s’ party? I thought she might want a lift. I don’t see what that’s got to do with anything. I mean what does a ring have to do with tonight?’

  A single tear runs down Penny’s cheek and then it dawns on Mark.

>   ‘Ah, Pen,’ he says, reaching out for her. But she’s run out of the room and we hear the front door slam.

  ‘I’ll go after her,’ I say.

  Russell sighs audibly, presumably at the delay to our bedroom antics. As much as I do really want to jump his bones, I want to make sure my best friend is ok first. He understands that and doesn’t do anything to stop me as I jump off the sofa.

  ‘She thought I was going to propose?’ says Mark, getting up too.

  I nod, confirming it. I think the cat’s well and truly out of the bag now.

  ‘Tonight? In front of everyone?’ He shakes his head and sighs. ‘I’ll go after her Lou, if you don’t mind? I think we’ve got a lot of talking to do.’

  ‘Are you sure? She’s pretty upset.’

  ‘I know, but I think I need to be the one to talk to her. You know, I am going to propose.’

  ‘We know,’ I say, rubbing his arm in support.

  ‘I just want it to be a surprise.’

  The look of hurt on Mark’s face is almost adorable. I’m pleased that one day Pen will be married to a very lovely man.

  We see Mark to the door and I hover on the doorstep, watching him jog after Pen. Luckily she’s wearing ridiculously high heels and hasn’t been able to storm off too quickly. Mark catches up with her and I feel compelled to keep watching. If only to be able to give the police my statement when Penny lumps Mark one. But what I see instead puts me at ease. Mark drapes his arm around her shoulders and far from shrugging it off she turns in towards him. He gives her a big bear hug – if I was watching a rom-com I’d do a little swoon.

  Those two will be all right. As cheesy as it sounds they really are made for each other. Penny just needs to be in less of a hurry. She knows it’s going to happen, I mean they’ve got a savings account for the big day for heaven’s sake! Who knows, maybe this will give Mark the kick up the bum to plan the proposal a bit quicker.

  ‘Come on,’ says Russell, joining me on the doorstep, ‘your night has only just begun.’

  I’m wondering where my husband has gone and who this Lothario is in his place. Not that I’m complaining.

  I shut the door and sigh with relief that Penny and Mark seem like they’re going to sort everything out.