Dear Donald, Dear Bennett

by Bennett Cerf

  My desk is piled so high that it has flowed over onto yours, and I am going slightly bats. Forgive me if this letter is a little bit incoherent. God damn it, how I wish you were here with us!

  As ever,

  Bennett

  November 3, 1942

  Dear Bennett:

  The secret of those beautifully typewritten letters is that I inherited a secretary from the good old Hoisington days and I can’t get rid of her. The only trouble with her is that there are approximately 15,000 so called cadets on the field ranging in age from 20 to 26 and she is constantly going around and getting herself engaged to one or another of these flea-bitten youngsters. It is perfectly obvious that she doesn’t appreciate the wisdom and beauty of maturity, besides which, she is constantly pining for Hoisington. So you may know that all my loyalty and love are for my beautiful Pauline, who should constantly be swooning over me unless she is silly enough to fall for your fumbling potching.

  Yes, I was terribly pleased to get the financial statement and now that my Uncle Sam is protecting me by forbidding you thieves from raising your salaries, maybe we’ll get luscious dividends out of Random House. But all kidding aside, you know I heartily approve of giving substantial bonuses for the whole office if we have the dough in the bank; but don’t forget Miller’s 2% on volume over $50,000. He’s going to get a big wad again this year. Keep those in your calculations. Obviously Pauline doesn’t need a raise. If she has only two fur coats, she is holding out on you. I gave her three myself—sable, chinchilla, and ermine.

  I am delighted to continue to get news of good business. I hope SUEZ TO SINGAPORE hits 100,000. All my work here continues to pile in on me so that I am deluged. I can’t see when I will ever get away from this God damn post.

  Give my love to everyone at the office.

  As always,

  Donald

  P.S. You forgot to enclose the mailing piece for Modern Library and LIN YUTANG. I wish to Hell I were back with you!

  Nov. 7, 1942

  Dear Bennett,

  I received the copy of Dinesen yesterday and read some of the stories last night. The gal really is one hell of a good writer. And boy, did our Robert K. spend dough on that book to bring the price up to 2.75. Two-color half titles, title page and sheets and a two cloth binding. I’ll bet that’s the last bit of real old-fashioned extravagance until after the war. It’s really an impressive job and don’t ever let the Colonel razz you about blurbs again. He must have really liked that book! I’ve heard vague rumours that our October volume was the biggest ever. Here’s hoping they don’t come bouncing back on us! Does Suez to Singapore really look like a smash?

  I’ve been working all over again revising the manual once more. They tell me the way has been paved to have it published in Washington at the GPO and I’ve had to do some more work on it. I should finish that by the end of next week and then it’ll probably be rejected again! That, plus all of my normal work makes my time pretty well occupied but I can’t complain. I seem to be getting to be the general utility man around this field, which is fun but is a helluva way to win a war. I hope to hell that the British are really pushing the Germans around in Africa. It looks kosher but I don’t trust the news reports.

  My spies tell me that you’ve been working like a beaver. Has Bob’s new job meant very much more time for him to be away from the office—or is it mostly night work? Remember the old ML days when neither of us did a damned thing and we really made some money?

  Pat’s back on the job again and feeling okay for a change. I hope she stays that way.

  Give my best to all the office people. I sure do miss all of you and wish I were back again bothering around with all the details of the publishing business which are really so much fun. My love to Thrup and Chris—

  Love,

  Donald

  November 9, 1942

  Dear Don:

  I don’t suppose you see my column in the Saturday Review any more, thereby missing one of the great literary treats of the day—so I am enclosing herewith a copy of a recent column in which I credited you with a pretty funny gag. No charge for this service.

  I am also enclosing a copy of a whopping ad that we ran in the past few days in both the Times and the Tribune and will repeat in a few other papers scattered about the country. I figure that we might as well make a big splurge in advertising in the next couple of months; Mr. Morgenthau will be paying most of the bills.

  Your comment about my fumbling potching has stirred me into fresh efforts, so I have no more time to dictate letters to the likes of you. Upward and onward is my motto. Incidentally, I wish to hell you’d stick to your own territory.

  Resentfully,

  Bennett

  Bennett conceived of an anthology of inspirational writings to be edited by Lloyd C. Douglas, author of the international best-seller The Robe, and turned to Donald for help since Douglas lived in California. The situation was further complicated by the fact that Douglas was published by Houghton Mifflin.

  November 9, 1942

  CAPTAIN DONALD S. KLOPFER

  THINK IT POSSIBLE THAT YOU CAN DO A GREAT TURN FOR RANDOM HOUSE OVER WEEKEND. CAN YOU PHONE ME SOMETIME TONIGHT. DON’T CARE WHAT HOUR YOU WAKE ME. I WILL BE HOME ALL EVENING. CRAZY TO TALK TO YOU ANYHOW.

  BENNETT

  November 10, 1942

  Dear Donald:

  Between my phone conversation with you last night and the Colonel’s letter (under my tutelage you will notice that his literary style is showing signs of improvement) I think you’ve got about all the ammunition we can give you for your onslaught on Lloyd Douglas. I can only add the following:

  1. The 300 to 350 page length is the merest suggestion. If Douglas thinks it ought to go to another 100 pages more or so, that, of course, is up to him.

  2. Be sure that you stress the spiritual side of the project as much as the financial one. If we can sell Douglas the idea that he will be making a terrific contribution to American morale and that the Office of War Information is very, very keen about the notion (which indeed is the truth) he may undertake the project as a patriotic duty. That doesn’t mean, of course, that you won’t impress upon him the fact that if this thing sells the way it ought to, he’ll make a lot of money out of it. Furthermore, it should continue selling for years, which will mean royalties for him when he is old and gray. (I may burst into tears at any moment.)

  3. Linscott’s exact words to me were: “The question of Lloyd Douglas is a toughie. Greater love hath no publisher than to release his most profitable author to a rival house. Nevertheless, I don’t see why you shouldn’t feel free to proposition him. If he is attracted to your suggestion and asks our advice, we shall feel free, at that time, to advise him either for or against it depending upon his plans and his desires.” I want to be absolutely sure that Douglas realizes that we had permission of Houghton Mifflin before approaching him at all.

  4. Please tell Douglas that Bob Linscott at Houghton Mifflin is anxious to see the table of contents and may make a few valuable suggestions to us.

  5. Assure Douglas that the book will be advertised very widely, but also in an extremely dignified manner. It will undoubtedly get tremendous attention from the critics who may not have rated his novels as the finest kind of literature. You will have to put this point over delicately, but I am sure you know what I mean. I have a hunch that Douglas, in his heart, yearns for the plaudits from guys like Fadiman and Gannett, as well as big sales to the low-brows.

  6. If possible, we’d like to get a completed manuscript sometime along about March so that we can bring the book out in late summer or early fall, with plenty of advance build-up and promotion.

  Good luck, toots, and if any other points come up while you’re with Douglas, I take it for granted that you will either call up long distance while you are actually with him, or get in touch with us immediately thereafter. We are counting on you to bring home the bacon.

  I can’t tell you how delighted I was to hear you
r voice over the phone. We ought to do this oftener—once every three weeks at least.

  As ever,

  Bennett

  1942 NOV 13 AM 2 10

  BENNETT A CERF=RANDOM HOUSE

  RECEIVED ALL YOUR DOPE SHEETS THANKS HAVE WRITTEN DOUGLAS FOR APPOINTMENT SUNDAY AS HIS TELEPHONE IS UNLISTED WISH ME LUCK LOVE=

  DONALD.

  1942 NOV 16 AM 8 48

  BENNETT A CERF=

  DOUGLAS REFUSES TO DO BOOK BUT SUGGEST EITHER FOSDICK OR HALFORD LUCCOCK YALES SCHOOL OF RELIGION SORRY I FUMBLED THE BALL LETTER FOLLOWS LOVE=

  DONALD.

  November 16, 1942

  CAPTAIN DONALD S. KLOPFER

  WOULD IT INTEREST YOU TO KNOW THAT WE HAVE JUST GOTTEN ANOTHER BOOK OF THE MONTH CLUB DUAL SELECTION. IT IS GUADALCANAL DIARY AND IF YOU WILL PHONE ME AFTER ONE OCLOCK TONIGHT EASTERN TIME I WILL GIVE YOU THE GLORIOUS DETAILS. LOVE.

  BENNETT

  November 21, 1942

  Dear Bennett:

  I am enclosing herewith a short manuscript from Charlie Lederer, written by his wife, Virginia, who can’t spell and can’t write. None the less, since several of your friends appear in this manuscript, I thought you would be interested in reading it.

  I have been pledged to secrecy about the manuscript and have pledged you to the same secrecy, since it is a pretty malicious bit.

  I still think the funniest thing about it is the spelling.

  As always,

  Donald

  November 27, 1942

  Dear Don:

  I am returning under separate cover Virginia Lederer’s manuscript, along with Charlie’s letter concerning same. The script arrived Wednesday night and Phyllis and I read it with considerable glee yesterday. The spelling, as you say, is atrocious, but I don’t think the story is nearly as bad as you seem to believe. The characterizations, as a matter of fact, are really excellent, and her summary of Mildred and Eddie Knopf is nothing short of brilliant. Of course, there is not enough for a book in the script, but it seems to me that if the story were tightened a little bit, she would have no trouble at all selling it to a magazine. The one phony touch in the story is the scene at the police court. That should be completely rewritten. The other stuff, with the names changed, of course, is right good! Mum will be the word around here on this manuscript. You can assure the lady of that!

  I saw Pat yesterday and she sounded quite hopeful about your getting to Washington. I sure hope you make it, toots.

  As ever,

  Bennett

  December 15, 1942

  Dear Don:

  Over the weekend I read the most exciting manuscript that I have ever come across in my life. It is the full story from beginning to end of the Tokyo raid as told by Captain Ted Lawson to Bob Considine. Ted is the boy who lost a leg in the raid and who appeared with me on the Council show last Sunday night. The book is done with complete simplicity and dignity and when I didn’t have tears in my eyes, I was so excited by the story that beads of perspiration stood out on my forehead. Today Saxe, Belle* and Aaron† have locked themselves into their office and are reading the book now. They are just as completely undone by it as I was.

  The big catch, of course, will be getting the book through censorship in Washington. I don’t know what the odds are on this. Of course, the whole story would have to be released to the public first, but that would only add to the excitement of the book. I have got a deal all lined up with Considine and Lawson depending on Washington’s okay. We’ll probably sign a tentative contract tomorrow. They mentioned an advance of $5000.00, and I voluntarily raised that to $7500.00, probably establishing a precedent in the publishing business. I can only say that if this book goes through, I will bet even money that it sells a minimum of 100,000 copies. I will also bet even money that it is a Book-of-the-Month Club choice. It makes our GUADALCANAL DIARY sound like Irving Fineman’s JACOB. If I possibly can, I will smuggle the manuscript out to you by the end of the week with the understanding that you won’t tell a soul about it and will mail it back to me the moment you’ve finished it. Even if we don’t get the book, the reading of it will give you the most exciting two hours that I think you have ever had in your life. (I have not gone crazy. What I am telling you here is my sincere and true feeling.) I have invited Lawson and his wife and little baby to come up and spend Christmas with us. I hope he will be able to make it. He is at the Walter Reed Hospital, but I think he can get off for a few days. After you’ve read the story, you will understand why I asked him for Christmas!

  I haven’t told you much about Phyllis and Christopher. Chris walks by himself now and is making a mighty effort to talk. He is really a cute brat and I am crazy about him. Phyllis spends her mornings learning stenography and her afternoons with Peggy Goldman at the USO. She is doing a fine job there and I have heard about her work from several outside sources. I am really proud of her.

  I have got my fingers crossed that you will be in New York for at least a few days sometime within the next month. I can’t tell you how much I miss you.

  As ever,

  Bennett

  * Pat Klopfer, Donald’s wife.

  * Nickname of Pauline Kreiswirth, secretary to Cerf and Klopfer.

  * Robert K. Haas, partner.

  † Saxe Commins, senior editor.

  * Bernice Baumgarten, subsidiary rights.

  † Emanuel E. Harper, assistant secretary and treasurer.

  ‡ Abe Friedman.

  * Edgar Selwyn, Pat’s uncle.

  † Alfred’s brother Edwin and wife.

  * Phyllis Cerf, Bennett’s wife (after thrupence, the smallest English coin).

  † Christopher Cerf, Bennett and Phyllis’s son.

  * Jim Russell, RH salesman.

  * Charles A. Wimpfheimer, Klopfer’s stepson.

  * Klopfer had gotten leave and returned briefly to New York.

  * Gaston and Marguerite ran the Klopfer country home.

  * Marian Ansbacher Hart, Donald’s first wife.

  * Bob Haas stayed in the reserve after WWI and received the rank of general.

  † Lewis Miller, RH sales manager.

  * Belle Becker, RH editor.

  † Aaron Sussman, RH advertising account.

  January 15, 1943

  Dear Don:

  It looks like Ray Freiman is all signed, sealed and delivered for the manufacturing job at Random House. He had been working for Haddon and Mel Friedman has given him as glowing a recommendation as I have ever heard in my life. He was first suggested to us by Harry Abrams, who says he is the answer to all our prayers. Bob will undoubtedly be writing you further details about this. I will keep you posted on how the thing works out.

  No soap on the Sheean book for the BOMC. They selected, at yesterday’s meeting, some book on the American Revolution published by an obscure little firm that needs the dough. I think their name is Little Brown. They also selected some Russian book published by Scribner’s. They have now got more reserves than the U.S. Treasury.

  I have been devoting the week to entertaining stray Random House authors and at the moment am so fed up that I’d be willing to swap jobs temporarily with any fairly second-rate pants presser. Sunday we were with Budd Schulberg. He is an unhappy fellow and his marriage seems wrecked beyond repair.… Monday night we took Red Lewis and Marcella to Jessel’s show, and then picked up Jessel and repaired to the Stork Club. Jessel’s certainly getting a kick out of the book he is writing for us. He took a half page ad in last week’s Variety to advertise it. We’ve always been looking for an author who would advertise his own books, but now that we’ve found him, I am not exactly sure I know what to do with him.

  Tuesday night we went to dinner at Quent’s with Moss Hart, George Kaufman, and Mark Hanna. Mark’s got a new gal named Mrs. Emmett who is an absolute knockout. Quent may be off any moment for Russia, China and India. The boys are crazy about DRESS REHEARSAL and, between ourselves, I wouldn’t be surprised if it ended up by outselling the Sheean opus. Now that the
BOMC has turned down the Sheean, we might as well face the fact that we are probably going to take a first-class shellacking on it. What the hell; Morgenthau should worry.

  Kaufman told us about meeting a man who is going around town with a saw cutting all the wooden toilet seats in half. He explained that he expected some half-assed relatives in town.

  Business continues to be excellent. SUEZ goes sailing along (another 1000 from the News yesterday) and the Lin Yutang is really catching on all over the country. The only new book that has been signed up since you left is a long novel called RETREAT FROM ROSTOV by an unknown writer. I don’t know whether anyone has written to you about this as yet. I haven’t read the script myself, but Saxe and a couple of the salesmen are ecstatic about it.

  I hope you will have to come East again with the Manual.

  My deep love,

  As ever,

  Bennett

  January 19, 1943

  Dear Klopfer:

  Word has reached me from an unusually unreliable source (Jezebel, of course) that January 23rd is your natal day. This is just a line to tell you that I think of you every time Jezebel reminds me, and to assure you that I would much rather have you sitting at your desk across from me than the schlemiel who is at present desecrating your throne.

  Seriously, Don, here’s hoping that this is the last birthday you spend away from all of us at Random House.

  My love,

  Bennett

  January 22, 1943

  Dear Don:

  I am terribly sorry to hear that the Manual seems to be footch. (Speaking of which, did you know that Jezebel once made a bowl of footch? Needless to say, it stank.) Does all this mean that the infinite amount of work that went into the Manual has been wasted, or is there still a Chinaman’s chance that the project may be revived?