by Bennett Cerf
* Bennett often used a character named Farmer Klopfer.
* The Battle of the Bulge.
January 4, 1945
Dear Klopf:
I don’t remember how much we bet on your being back at your desk by the beginning of 1945, but there is no question about my having lost, and I will settle with the greatest reluctance when you do show up here. I certainly was wrong in my calculations. From the way things look at this very moment, there is no telling either how wrong I was. I do want you to believe that the lengthening of your absence doesn’t mean you are being missed any less here. All of us are simply snowed under with work these days, and I think somebody says, at least five times a day, “If that blankety blank Klopfer were only back here.”
I hope it will please you to know that you were toasted on New Year’s Eve by myself and none other than Donald Nelson and his beautiful bim. We all were at a big party at the Barberry Room and Jim Moriarty called me over to meet Nelson. The latter poured champagne for all of us and said, “Whom will we toast?” I suggested you and we all hoisted a couple to your good health and continued well-being.…
There is only one book on the Random House list this January, and that is the two Elliot Paul minor mystery stories chucked into one. We’ll really get going in February, however, with as powerful and impressive a list as we’ve ever had. Catalogues are on press now and you will have one in a few days’ time.
…
As far as my own personal activities are concerned, TRY AND STOP ME is over 80,000 and the printings are up to 120,000. Reader’s Digest is taking about four pages from it for February, Omnibook in March, Liberty in April, and Scope in May. Jezebel and I consider that very fair coverage. Our next activity will be a joke book for the Pocket Book series which will consist principally of all the bum old gags that were left out of TRY AND STOP ME. Grosset needs a joke book very badly too, and we are trying to work up a deal whereby the book can be done for a quarter at Pocket Books and 49¢ at Grosset & Dunlap. The sale for these kinds of books these days is almost unbelievable and anything goes as long as people think they may get a chuckle or two out of it.
We have started the revamping of Grosset & Dunlap. I have asked Jez to send you a copy of the first new Grosset & Dunlap catalogues along with a copy of the last old one, so that you can see the difference for yourself. The first big change we are making is to change the name of the Madison Square series to Pinnacle Books and reducing the price from 50¢ to 49¢ to meet the competition. For the trade mark we have a circle with a mountain top enclosed—something like the Paramount Picture symbol. The next step will be to start a special motion picture department for special tie-ups with the picture companies. I think we are going to get Bernie Geiss, who has been the editor of Coronet and assistant editor of Esquire for the past five years, to come with us and head this department as well as acting as assistant editor in general. He is all lined up and the salary has been agreed upon at $15,000, but the move has to be approved by the Board of Directors’ meeting next week. I have little doubt that it will be. Cass Canfield told us yesterday that he is going to Paris for six months to head the OWI there, so we’ll have Henry Hoyns to contend with while he is gone. Maybe you will run into Cass while he is there. He is really a very swell guy and I like him better every time I see him.
If you ever get down to London any more, it occurs to me that you might do a little snooping down there along the following lines:
1. How hard and fast is the agreement between Dent and Dutton’s on Everyman’s. It might not do any harm to visit Dent and see what chance there may be of taking over the whole Everyman Series when the war is over and we can once more get all the paper we want. This is a possibility that I think is at least worth exploring.
2. It has always seemed to me that we ought to have some good English house with whom we had a first refusal exchange basis, something like the one between Harper’s and Jamie Hamilton. Faber & Faber might be good for us, or Chatto & Windus or even Collins. Nobody would be bound to anything; it would simply be a gentleman’s agreement whereby both firms gave the other first refusal in their respective countries on anything that wasn’t already tied up by previous contract. Don’t you think this is at least worth looking into if you get the chance?
3. No new English writer of the stature of Aldous Huxley or Maugham has popped up his head in the whole war as far as America is concerned. Don’t you hear any rumblings about a new white hope over there? If so, couldn’t we get our mitts on him for the far future? It might be a good idea to snoop around Pollinger’s, Heath’s, and that old such and such Watt to see if anything is cooking.
4. Here’s something else you might look into while you are at Watt’s. As you may remember, we have been trying for years to do a Sherlock Holmes volume in the Modern Library. Our notion this summer was to do the Adventures of Sherlock Holmes and the Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes, i.e., the first two books of the Collected Stories of Holmes, and make one Modern Library volume of them. We thought we’d do it both as a regular Modern Library and as an Illustrated. We offered Harper’s a $2500.00 advance against a 10¢ a copy royalty. This suited them fine, but Watt tried to put in a three-year limitation clause. This is, of course, ridiculous, since we’ll have to make our own plates for the book and we cannot possibly come out under any time limitation clause whatever. Maybe you could use that old world charm of yours to convince them to let us have the property on a straight 10¢ royalty, with the $2500.00 advance, of course, and no time limit whatever. A lot of the stuff is out of copyright anyhow, but we couldn’t proceed on this property now even if we wanted to because of the Harper complication. Put this proposition over, Klopfer, and we’ll put an extra candle in the window for you until you come back.
This is about all except to wish you a happy birthday, since I don’t suppose this letter will reach you much before that time. Write soon, and know that even if you have just the same old story of operations to tell us, it always gives everybody in the office deep pleasure to see that Gertrude Stein–like handwriting of yours on an envelope.
My love to you.
As ever,
Bennett
Jan. 10–45
Dear Bennett—
Just received your letter of Dec. 5—things are incredibly slow in coming thru’ these days but I do seem to get letters eventually. The Spring list looks fine altho’ there are lots of names cropping up on our lists that I no longer recognize. Nothing makes me feel so far away from RH as that one thing. When you have been used to being in on the birth of everything it’s quite a shock to see the finished article being announced without the usual pangs of birth preceding it. I do hope the Walter Clark book is a good one. He’s potentially so damned good that I’d hate to see him flub up on his second opus. Your cheering words about the Illus. ML make my mouth water.
Peg’s a grand gal, a good executive and a good merchandiser but I don’t know how good a juvenile editor she’d be. That’s a pretty specialized field and G & D are going to need an expert. On the other hand she would have the merchandising approach to the show and that’s what you want.
What are you doing with old #4 Rabelais—I see O’Henry’s replacing it? It’s good to see Nevins & Commager in the M.L.
There is no gossip around here—the guessers as to the end of the war have quit guessing and are now settling down to try to win the thing—I haven’t any idea when I’ll get home but I suspect it won’t be until late this year at the earliest. I can’t see any immediate end to this thing—on the other hand I don’t see how the Germans can stand the pressure.… At any rate you can rest assured I’ll be home at the earliest possible moment.
My very best to all at the office. I just received your joint Xmas card for which all thanks. Lots of love.
Donald
January 18, 1945
Dear Klopf:
I was particularly pleased to get your letter of December 23rd yesterday because I am sure fully four weeks have gone by since I last he
ard from you.
I must say it was a bit of a shock to have you asking for a copy of FOREVER AMBER, which was described only last night as the kind of book that a boy of fourteen reads with one hand. The book is going out to you under separate cover at once, although I am sure you are going to find that it is tenth rate trash. Alternate titles that have been suggested for it are FOREVER UNDER, THE UNROBED, TROLLOP WITH A WALLOP, and THE DAME WHO UNSHIFTED FOR HERSELF. Your literary tastes, Klopfer, are now lower than Haas’s, and it’s lucky for both of you that you still have one partner (myself) who reads a couple of chapters from Ptolemy every night before he goes to bed.
As though your request for FOREVER AMBER wasn’t enough for one day, a note appeared in the paper that your cousin Wildberg was giving a lecture last night at Columbia University on the future of the drama in America. Even the fall of Warsaw scarcely restored my equilibrium.
The Spring list is already on its way to you. It’s short in quantity but high in quality. The really amazing title on it is the Aquinas. It now becomes obvious that we could have sold 50,000 sets of this work this Spring if we had had the paper with which to splurge. Even so, it will be supporting you in your old age, which will be along any minute now.
In about another hour, I am having a conference with Beatrice Lillie and her agent, and hope before another 24 hours have gone by to have her signed to do a book for us on the story of her life. If this doesn’t warrant an advance printing of 50,000 copies according to present market standards, I am the Wildberg of the publishing business—and I will ask for no cracks from you either on the subject.
TRY AND STOP ME has now reached the 88,000 mark, Jez has gained a pound and a half where she needed it most (and it’s not for you either, it’s for me), Haas’s Colonelcy came through yesterday, the streets are covered with about four feet of snow, ice and slush, and I wish to hell you were back home. I am in such a good humor these days that I broke down completely last night and invited Sally Benson up to the house for dinner. I will be taking that blankety blank Fineman out yet, if this era of good will keeps up.
My deep love to you.
As ever,
Bennett
Feb. 7–45
Dear Bennett:
My request for Forever Amber, you dope, was for my cellmates who feel the need of sexual stimulus these days. We’re all restricted to the Base for having the highest VD rate in the Division—not guilty! That’s what happens on this island.
The RH list arrived and looks small but good. These days of allotting books will come to an end and then I’ll have to rely on Aquinas to support me, which, I suspect the good Saint will do only too gladly because of my virtue. Is the City of Trembling Leaves good? I hope so—he’s my white hope as a RH novelist.
The cracks are beginning to show in the German front now—with Komies across the Oder it should not take too long to end this damned mess—here’s hoping it happens by the time you receive this. I’m more anxious to get home than you are to have me there.
Good luck and lots of love,
Donald
February 23, 1945
Dear Don:
Just a line to you before I head southward for two weeks of rest that I really need. The whole family sort of cracked up at the same time. Chris couldn’t get rid of the croup and Phyllis had been overdoing it dreadfully at 99 Park. I packed them down to Miami early in the week and Lew and I are following tomorrow afternoon. Saxe will fly down on Sunday. We’ll all have two weeks to sort of catch up with ourselves. Life has really been terribly hectic around here and, although it’s fun, I think it is wise for all of us to stop and take a little breath. I only wish to hell you could be there with us. Don’t think I do not realize that you have earned and probably need a vacation more than all the rest of us put together. Your turn will come, I hope.
The only other news I can give you at the moment is that, at a dinner at Sherwood’s last night, I had for a dinner partner a young lady whose name I did not catch. After ten minutes I whispered to Neysa on my right and asked, “Who’s the dame I’m sitting next to?” Neysa shrieked with laughter and informed me that it was none other than your dream girl, Greta Garbo. She thereupon made me feel wonderful by telling the whole table about it. Garbo didn’t seem to mind. In fact, she didn’t talk to me for the rest of the evening.
I hope to find time to write you from Miami. Anyhow, you’ll know we’re thinking of you.
My deep love,
As ever,
Bennett
March 17–45
Dear Bennett:
I haven’t heard from you in ages, but that is undoubtedly due to the mails which have been so bad that you can’t keep up any kind of a correspondence. Besides which the only things of interest that I can relate are in the N.Y. papers the day after they happen over here. Only I’d be court martialed if I wrote what the papers published. We get lots of laughs out of the whole security problem over here.
They’ve just given three big blasts on the mortar which means there are some German bombers within a few miles of us. That is really the most futile sort of thing our few airplanes come over—drop their bombs—make a pass at a field and beat it for home—very much relieved I’m sure—and they do no appreciable damage. We just fill the holes up a little higher and go back to sleep. You can’t help but compare that with a thousand bombers carrying a real load over a real target. We’re out every day now—the weather has been pretty kind to us—and the destruction in Germany has been terrific. They’ll never be able to say they didn’t feel this war in the Vaterland. PRU coverage of targets that the RAF and 8th hit is startling at times and the analysis of captured targets points to more damage than we could see in the pictures. Now that the British have that 2200 lb bomb they can do even more destruction. What a war for civilized people to spend the time, energy and brains!
I’m in fine shape and very fed up with this whole show, but it’s not so bad now that we’re busy and have the feeling that it’s the final round for this theatre. Here’s hoping I can get home soon and back to work again.
And you know that you’re a famous guy and get asked for your autograph, how’s it with you—and Thrup and Chris? Are you happy? I hope you had a good time in Florida. I can’t tell you how much I miss you and all of Random House.
Love,
Donald
March 27, 1945
Dear Klopf:
The Random House caravan is 100% back on the job. We all had a fine rest and Saxe in particular has never looked so well or seemed so carefree in his entire life. When you get out of your show, I think you ought to take about two months of just lying on your can in the sun, relax gradually, and completely recover your equilibrium. We’ve done without you this long and we’ll manage to do a little longer. I guess I am following here the Pat Klopfer propaganda line—surely the first and probably the last time in my life—but I really think the gal has got something and that you owe it both to yourself and to her to take one whopping vacation before you even look at the multitude of jobs that you will find yourself plunged into the minute you get back into harness here. Personally, I can hardly wait to see that repulsive puss of yours leering at me again from across the desk, not to mention sticking your hand into places where it doesn’t belong. (Jezebel refuses to amplify this statement.)
Everything at Random House proceeded smoothly as hell while we were away. Even the detective standbys like Eberhart, Disney, etc. have doubled in sales in the last few years, and drek that used to sell five or six thousand now sells twelve to fifteen without the slightest effort on our parts. I hope you like the new format of the detective stories. I think it is infinitely more attractive than the old and bulkier form. In fact, these wartime restrictions have succeeded in making the format of all books infinitely more satisfactory than they ever were before and I hope all the publishers will have sense enough to stick to this smaller format long after the actual necessity therefor has passed.
The Gertrude Stein book got wonderful
reviews, including the front page in the Times Book Review, and we’ll sell out our full two printings of 14,000. That’s more than her 1st five books together did! Margaret Millar’s THE IRON GATES is tops in its line and I think we’ll be able to run that up to between 15,000 and 20,000 too. The two big question marks on the Spring list are the Walter Clark and the George Stewart. I won’t rest until I see the leading reviews on both these books, which will be made or broken by what the leading critics say. We’ll have substantial advances on both of them because of the authors’ reputation and, come what may, they are fine books to have on the list.
…
For the Fall, of course, we are trying to save as much paper as we possibly can for Red Lewis’s book which, as I think I have told you, is the best thing he’s done in many, many years. Then we’ve got a short novel by Dick Tregaskis and Quent Reynolds is hard at work on a book that can possibly turn into a runaway. It is a story of a captain of the gunboat Wake which used to ply up and down the Yangtze River. The captain was taken prisoner by the Japs, escaped, was recaptured again, sentenced to death, and made a second escape on the very eve of his execution. It’s real ten, twenty, thirty stuff and will be done in the “as told to Quentin Reynolds” manner that we used for THIRTY SECONDS OVER TOKYO.
I am sure Pat has kept you up to date on personal items such as the death of Merrill Wyler and of Walter Wanger’s peculiar sister. Chick Satorius finally up and married that young Wave lieutenant he’s been buzzing around with for the past couple of years. Mike Breslauer’s mother died suddenly in Palm Beach.… Poor Mike has been having one hell of a winter of it. He came over to the house yesterday with his daughter Betty who is developing into a stunning-looking brat who, I understand, is causing havoc among the younger males in the community. One of her boys is Tommy Guinzburg. At present, he is fighting on Iwo Jima. (Jesus, did that make me feel old!)
