Starship Grifters (A Rex Nihilo Adventure)

by Robert Kroese

  “You’ll know it works when you see your planet destroyed!”

  “Well, sure,” agreed Rex, “but actually having to use the weapon to prove the validity of the threat defeats the purpose of making the threat in the first place. If I’m going to respond appropriately to the threat, I need to know the cannon works before you use it. Do you have some plans I could look at or something?”

  “You want me to show you the plans for our secret weapon?” shrieked Vlaak in disbelief.

  “I’m OK with signing a nondisclosure agreement, if that’s your concern,” said Rex. “I’m not interested in going into the planet destruction business. I’m more of a cloaking device sort of guy myself. How about this: is there an engineer I could talk to? Someone who can vouch for your secret weapon? I’d just feel better about cowing to a threat to destroy my planet if I knew for sure you weren’t bluffing.”

  Vlaak seemed on the verge of exploding in another rage, but then he grinned and began to cackle with glee. “I know just the man. An old friend of yours, I believe.” He turned to one of his guards. “Send in Gavin Larviton!”

  So far, so good. Hopefully Larviton would confirm that the plasmatic entropy cannon was fully operational. But when Larviton entered the chamber a few minutes later, he didn’t look happy to see us.

  “Gavin Larviton!” exclaimed Rex in mock surprise. “I had no idea you were in cahoots with the Malarchy, as I have not seen you since that fateful card game in which I won Schufnaasik Six, which as you know is where the secret cloaking facility is located!”

  “Rex Nihilo,” muttered Larviton. “I didn’t expect to see you again so soon.”

  “Oh?” asked Rex. “When did you expect to see me?”

  “Not sooner than three days from now,” answered Larviton.

  “Three days!” exclaimed Rex. “It’s already been almost a wee . . . bit too long for my tastes.”

  “I thought I would be prepared for your arrival by now,” said Larviton. “But I’m not.” He looked at Vlaak, who was eyeing him suspiciously. “Emotionally, I mean,” added Larviton.

  “I see,” replied Rex. “And when do you think you’ll be prepared for me? You know, emotionally.”

  “A few more days,” said Larviton. “A week, tops.”

  “A week!” cried Rex. “Do you have any idea how hard it was to—”

  “What in Space are you two talking about?” shrieked Vlaak. “I thought we were going to talk about my secret weapon and instead you two are going on about your feelings for each other. The only emotions I understand are anger, hatred, and fear. If you aren’t expressing one of those three emotions, I don’t want to hear about it!”

  “Sorry, Your Lordship,” replied Larviton.

  “Now,” Vlaak began, “tell Mr. Nihilo about the plasmatic entropy cannon. I want him to know exactly what is going to happen to his precious planet.”

  “Yes, Your Lordship,” Larviton replied. “You see, Mr. Nihilo, the plasmatic entropy cannon induces a wave of pure plasmatized entropy, which can reduce anything in its path to its constituent atoms. The field will engulf Schufnaasik Six and break the molecular bonds holding it together.”

  “Fascinating,” said Rex. “And this weapon is fully operational?”

  “Absolutely,” replied Larviton.

  “Wonderful!” exclaimed Rex. “You’re sure you’re not maybe putting some finishing touches on it that will take a few more days?”

  “Ha!” cried Larviton nervously. “If that were the case, I’d be as good as dead. His Lordship Heinous Vlaak promised to personally torture me to death if I was unable to deliver a working plasmatic entropy cannon on schedule. Fortunately, the cannon is completely operational.” He smiled weakly at Vlaak.

  “So,” Rex asked, “if the cannon were fired right now, what would happen?”

  “Schufnaasik Six would be utterly destroyed,” said Larviton. “While this battle station and everyone on it would remain completely safe, because all of the plasmatic entropy would be directed toward Schufnaasik Six and not, say, released in an uncontrolled burst vaporizing everything around it.”

  “Good to hear,” said Rex. “That second thing sounds like something we’d like to avoid.”

  “Yes,” replied Larviton. “And yet, still better than being tortured to death, if you see what I’m getting at.”

  “Uh-huh,” said Rex. “So it would seem that my best bet would be to reveal the location of Schufnaasik Six City. Of course, if it turned out that—and I know this is crazy, but hear me out—if it turned out that there is no Schufnaasik Six City, and there never was any cloaking device facility, nor, for that matter, any cloaking device, well, in that purely hypothetical case I would be unable to reveal the location of said city and I would myself likely be tortured to death by His Lordship in an attempt to obtain that nonexistent information. Boy, it’s a good thing this is a completely hypothetical scenario, because it’s sort of a no-win deal for me.”

  “Exactly,” said Larviton. “There’s no way you’re getting out of here alive.”

  “Interesting,” said Rex. “In that case, I have nothing to lose by informing His Lordship that the propitious elderberry cannon is not operational, and that firing it now would be extremely dangerous.”

  Vlaak glared at Larviton. “What is he talking about?” he demanded. “Is my secret weapon unsafe?”

  Larviton laughed nervously. “Of course not, Your Lordship!” he replied. “I assure you that the cannon is one hundred percent safe and operational. In fact, when I was summoned here, I was just about to deliver to Your Lordship this remote control device that will allow you to fire the plasmatic entropy cannon at will.” He held up a small black device with a single red button on it. “I’m tempted to push the button myself just to stop Mr. Nihilo from blabbering any more of his nonsense.”

  Rex swallowed hard and regarded Larviton coldly. I could see he was trying to determine whether Larviton was bluffing. If the cannon really was dangerously unstable, as he seemed to be implying, then pushing that button would kill us all. But if Larviton’s only alternative was to suffer the consequences of failing to deliver on his promise to Vlaak, a quick death might seem like a pretty good option to him. If Rex persisted in his claim that the cannon wasn’t operational, Larviton would push the button—and we’d be killed. If Rex backed down and let Vlaak believe the cannon was ready, then Vlaak would give the order to fire—and we’d be killed. Somehow Rex needed to convince Vlaak not to fire while giving Larviton a nonsuicidal way out of this mess.

  “You got me,” said Rex. “I was bluffing. I’m sure the cannon works perfectly. I apologize for impugning Mr. Larviton’s professional reputation. I meant no offense; I was driven to lie out of desperation to save my beloved planet.”

  “If you love your planet so much,” hissed Vlaak, “then tell me where Schufnaasik Six City is. THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE!”

  “OK,” said Rex. “You win. I’ll tell you where it is. Do you have a pencil?”

  “Have a probe ready to dispatch to the coordinates Mr. Nihilo provides,” said Vlaak to the lieutenant, who nodded.

  “Right,” said Rex. “Well, I don’t have precise coordinates.”

  “What do you have?” snarled Vlaak.

  “There’s a tree nearby,” offered Rex.

  “I’ve had enough of your games, Nihilo!” screeched Vlaak. “Lieutenant, bring up Schufnaasik Six on the viewscreen. I want Mr. Nihilo to see his world destroyed!”

  Lieutenant T’kik’ti fiddled with some controls and after a moment the screen lit up with an ugly brown sphere floating in a sea of black. I couldn’t help but imagine the poor nonexistent citizens blissfully toiling away down there in the imaginary Schufnaasik Six City. Rex was right: they deserved better than this.

  “Know this, Rex Nihilo,” shrieked Heinous Vlaak. “The blood of the inhabitants of Schufnaasik Six City
is on your hands. You could have spared their lives by simply telling me the location of the city so that I could obtain the secret of the cloaking device, but you have chosen in your arrogance to allow them to die. Perhaps you will be comforted in the knowledge that their deaths will be much quicker and less painful than your own.” He stood and shook his fist at the screen. “Fire the plasmatic entropy cannon!”

  “Wait!” I cried, an idea suddenly popping into my head. “If you fire the cannon, it will destroy the whole battle station! We snuck a team on board to sabotage—”

  And with that, I shut down for fifteen seconds. By the time I came around, Vlaak was well into an asthmatic fit, having evidently made the desired leap in logic. Being unable to lie, I’ve found it useful to make two unrelated statements to mislead someone to a predetermined conclusion. Vlaak could only conclude from what I had said that we had sent a team to sabotage the plasmatic entropy cannon.

  “It would seem your cowardly robot has betrayed you!” Vlaak gloated when he had recovered. “You intended to trick me into firing on Schufnaasik Six, thereby destroying this battle station. But your foolish plan has unraveled.” He turned to the lieutenant. “Send a team of marines to the plasmatic entropy cannon and have them kill the saboteurs. When the area is secure, send in the engineers to repair the damage the saboteurs have done.” He turned to Rex. “Enjoy your short-lived victory, Nihilo. Despite your meddling, you will see Schufnaasik Six destroyed!”

  Rex and Larviton both seemed somewhat stunned at this turn of events. Neither of them had expected to live much longer. Rex recovered from the shock first.

  “Hey, Larviton,” he said. “I guess you’ll want to give that remote control to His Lordship now, right?”

  “Huh? Oh, right,” muttered Larviton, regarding Rex with a hateful glare. He handed the device to Heinous Vlaak, who regarded it greedily.

  “Remember not to push the button until you know for sure it’s not going to blow up the battle station,” Rex said.

  “I know that!” snarled Vlaak. It wasn’t exactly reassuring to see the remote control in his hand, but it had been smart of Rex to get it away from Larviton, who was ready to blast us all rather than let Vlaak find out he’d failed to deliver his secret weapon on schedule.

  A few minutes later a marine entered the room. It was Sergeant Ricketts. I waved, but he didn’t seem to notice me.

  “Lord Vlaak,” he announced. “We found a team of four men attempting to sabotage the plasmatic entropy cannon. Don’t worry; we killed them all.”

  “Uh-oh,” said Rex. He leaned over to me and whispered, “What were our guys doing at the pleurotic abalone cannon? I thought they were supposed to be blowing the reactor core.”

  I nodded. Something wasn’t right.

  “They were cleverly disguised as engineers,” added the sergeant.

  “Curse me and my knowledge of infiltration tactics!” Rex cried. “I got our suicide team killed!”

  Had General Issimo and his men donned engineers’ uniforms and somehow gotten lost on their way to the reactor? I wondered. Or . . .

  “Was one of them a Nork?” I asked.

  “No,” said the sergeant.

  “Was one of them a really old guy in a dirty smock?” Rex asked.

  “No,” said the sergeant.

  “Did they have all of their arms?” I asked.

  “I believe so, yes,” said the sergeant.

  “Hmm,” said Rex, evidently coming to the same conclusion that I had.

  “What is it?” Vlaak screamed at Rex.

  “Nothing, your Lordship,” said Rex. “Those were our guys, for sure. Four strapping young non-Norks with all of their arms. You got ’em, all right.” He gave me a wink.

  Vlaak turned back to the sergeant. “Was the cannon damaged?”

  “We won’t know until the engineers can inspect it, Lord Vlaak.”

  “How long will that take?”

  “I don’t know, m’lord. The thing is . . .”

  “What?” shrieked Vlaak. “Out with it.”

  “We can’t find the engineers.”

  CHAPTER SIXTEEN

  Heinous Vlaak’s men didn’t find the engineers. As far as we knew, they didn’t find our team of aspiring saboteurs either. Whether this was because General Issimo and his men were stealthily working their way to the battle station’s reactor core or because they were trapped in the baggage hold of the Flagrante Delicto, it was impossible to say.

  Rex and I were safe for now. Since Vlaak wasn’t sure he could fire the plasmatic entropy cannon without blowing up the Peace Fortress, he had us escorted to a cell while he worked on finding engineers to replace those who had mysteriously gone missing. The next day we were summoned before Vlaak again.

  “What did you do to my plasmatic entropy cannon?” he demanded.

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about,” said Rex.

  “My secret weapon!” Vlaak screeched. “Your saboteurs did something to it! The new engineers say that the whole thing is wired wrong. If we fire it now, we’ll blow the whole battle station!”

  No wonder it had taken Larviton so long to get the cannon working; apparently his engineers were completely incompetent. They’d effectively sabotaged their own project before we had even arrived.

  “That’s a shame,” said Rex. “How long do you think it will take to fix?”

  “They won’t even give me an estimate!” snarled Vlaak. “Larviton’s new engineers can’t figure out how the thing was working in the first place. Idiots.”

  I didn’t ask whether the idiots were the previous batch of engineers or the current one. That’s the problem with engineers: when they can’t get something working, they always blame the previous group of engineers, and you never know which ones aren’t idiots until they get whatever it is working.

  “Well, I don’t know what you expect me to do if even the brilliant Gavin Larviton can’t figure it out,” said Rex. “I’m just the tactical genius of the group. All our technical know-how was on the sabotage team, and unfortunately you killed them.” This was a lie, of course. We still weren’t sure what had happened to our actual saboteurs.

  Vlaak shrieked with rage.

  “Your Lordship,” I said. “Perhaps I could be of some assistance.”

  “You?” screeched Vlaak. “What can you offer me?”

  “If you provide me with the plans, I believe I can get the cannon working.”

  “And why would you want to do that?”

  “As you can see,” I replied, “working for Mr. Nihilo is a very risk-intensive endeavor. I’ve decided that it would be wise for me to offer my services to the Malarchy.”

  “So!” Vlaak screeched. “The robot is not so much cowardly as she is devious! You have chosen wisely in deciding to betray your master.”

  “Sasha!” cried Rex. “How could you?”

  “I’m sorry, sir,” I said. “While you are clearly an unparalleled genius whose name is destined to be legendary across the known galaxy,7 I’m afraid that my feeble circuits are not cut out for this sort of epic adventure and derring-do.”

  This whole exchange was, of course, all part of a ruse Rex had dreamed up while we were in our cell. I was supposed to pretend to betray Rex and get the plasmatic entropy cannon working. That is, I would pretend to betray Rex, but I really would fix the cannon. (I’m not an engineer, but I can follow a schematic well enough.) Once I had gained Heinous Vlaak’s confidence by fixing the cannon, I would bust Rex out of his cell, we’d find General Issimo and his team, and we’d escape in the Flagrante Delicto. Rex made sure that I understood that retrieving the general and his team was at the very bottom of our list of priorities. As for the ostensible purpose of our mission—blowing up the reactor core—well, it didn’t make the list. If the team was able to set their charges by the time we were ready to leave, that wo
uld be swell, but Rex wasn’t going to lose any sleep over the failure of their mission. The key thing in Rex’s mind was to make sure he got his money. In fact, his lack of concern over the rest of our team had freed up his imagination to dream up several other lucrative angles.

  “And what do you want in return for fixing the cannon, robot?” asked Vlaak.

  “Five hundred million credits to be delivered to my personal bank account,” I replied.

  “I didn’t think robots could have bank accounts,” said Vlaak.

  “It’s under an assumed name,” I replied. Which was true. Rex had opened the account under one of his many aliases.

  “I’ll give you a hundred million credits,” said Vlaak. “To be delivered after a successful demonstration of the cannon.”

  “Three hundred,” I replied.

  “Two hundred.”

  “Two-fifty.”

  Vlaak chuckled. “You’ve got a deal, robot. Lieutenant, escort the robot to the plasmatic entropy cannon. And get her a copy of the plans. Send Mr. Nihilo back to his cell.”

  The haggling over the price of fixing the cannon was a red herring; the real money was in the plans themselves. Once I had them in my memory banks, Rex could sell them to anyone who might want their own plasmatic entropy cannon. The technology to build a planet-destroying weapon would be worth billions. And that was on top of the development funds Rex expected to get from the Malarchy for having his own planet destroyed. If we got out of this situation alive, he was going to be very rich indeed.

  I was taken to the cannon and given an electronic copy of the plans, which was encrypted to prevent copying. Copy protection is one of those stupid ideas from the twentieth century that never seem to die, like nonalcoholic beer or karaoke bars. People think that you can make it impossible to copy something if you encrypt it, but anything that can be read can be copied. That’s what reading is. You’re making a copy of the writing in your brain. And if you happen to be a robot with a photographic memory, you can easily make a perfect electronic copy—which is exactly what I did.