Starship Grifters (A Rex Nihilo Adventure)

by Robert Kroese

  “That technology was mine!” shouted Larviton. “You cheated me!”

  “And I spent twenty years in Gulagatraz for it,” replied Ted. “I’d say we’re even.”

  “Why did you hide the cloaking technology from Larviton?” I asked.

  Ted shrugged. “It seemed like the only real test of it. You know it works if the guy who owns the factory can’t find it. Also, the Chaotic Equilibrium required that the technology not fall into the hands of the Malarchy.”

  “Are you still going on about that Chaotic Equilibrium crap?” Larviton snapped. “Seems like the so-called Chaotic Equilibrium is just an excuse for you to do whatever you want.”

  Ted smiled. “And yet it got you here,” he said.

  “Dumb luck got me here,” grumbled Larviton.

  “There’s no such thing as luck,” said Ted. “There is only the Chaotic Equilibrium. Everything balances out in the end.”

  “Balances out?” snapped Larviton. “I’m going to spend the next million years in Gulagatraz paying off my debt in pain and suffering. How is that fair? Pepper, I thought you were offering me a solution to my debt problems. All you’ve done by bringing me here is to rub salt in my wounds.”

  “Look around you, Larviton,” said Pepper. “The Malarchy has no idea this city exists. You could hide here forever.”

  “Imprisoned on this horrible planet with a bunch of straitlaced Sp’ossels?” snarled Larviton. “What kind of life is that?”

  “It’s a hell of a lot better than Gulagatraz,” replied Pepper. “Take it or leave it. If you decide to leave, your memory will be wiped of this city’s existence.”

  Larviton chewed his lip, gazing at the cybernetic cranes overhead. “And what’s the price if I stay?”

  “Two billion credits.”

  “Two billion!” coughed Larviton. “Are you insane? That’s almost everything I have!”

  Pepper shrugged. “Your choice. You can always get your memory wiped and take your chances with the Malarchy. How much do you owe them again?”

  “This is extortion,” snarled Larviton. “What do these Sp’ossels need with two billion credits anyway? Seems like they’re doing just fine.”

  “Oh, the money isn’t for the Sp’ossels,” said Pepper. “It’s for Rex.”

  “For Rex!” howled Larviton. “Why the hell would I pay Rex two billion credits?”

  “It’s his planet,” Pepper said. “Consider it twenty years’ back rent.”

  “But it was my planet until two weeks ago!” Larviton protested.

  “And you were a lousy landlord,” replied Pepper. “That can’t be helped at this point. I will, of course, be taking a twenty percent fee for managing the transaction. Help me out, Sasha. How much does that leave Rex with?”

  “One point six billion credits,” I replied. “The amount he owes on the planet.”

  “Everybody’s happy,” said Pepper.

  “Everything balances out,” said Ted. “Chaotic Equilibrium.”

  “This blows,” snarled Larviton. “I don’t want to live in this damn city.”

  “A lot of people say that at first,” said the first Sp’ossel. “But you really shouldn’t make any judgments until you’ve seen the Museum of Particularly Tricky Knots.”

  “Is it everything I imagined it to be?” asked Rex anxiously.

  “And more,” said the second Sp’ossel, smiling.

  “Fine,” said Larviton. “But if I ever see you again, Rex Nihilo . . .”

  “Why would you see me again?” asked Rex. “I’m sure as hell not coming back here.”

  “You’ll come to love it,” said the first Sp’ossel, beaming at Larviton. “And just wait till you hear the good news about Space.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  We spent the evening in the restaurant at the top of the Spiraled Tower of Bernoth, overlooking the glittering metropolis of Schufnaasik Six City. The city really was quite lovely, especially at night. You’d never know it was the only evidence of civilization for a hundred billion kilometers. How the city could thrive on such a barren planet—not to mention remain completely unknown to the rest of the galaxy—was still something of a mystery. I got the impression the Sp’ossels had some rich benefactors who sent money back to Schufnaasik Six City so that its citizens could import everything they needed from other planets. Obviously they had access to technology that wasn’t readily available in the rest of the galaxy; in addition to the cloaking device and the tractor beam, they seemed to possess the ability to control the weather in the vicinity of the city, producing a stunning azure sky in the daytime and arresting the harsh winds that constantly whipped across the rest of the planet. Larviton’s whining aside, it wouldn’t be such a bad place to live.

  Rex was more impressed with the city than Larviton, but he had no desire to stay either. Despite the fact that he owned the planet and that Schufnaasik Six City was literally the city of his dreams, by the time the main course arrived he was already getting antsy about “being in one place too long.” One planet can’t hold Rex Nihilo.

  Larviton wired the 1.6 billion credits into Rex’s account and I transferred the money into the escrow fund set up for Rex’s debt by the Galactic Credit Bureau. He received a terse confirmation of his payment along with a notice that he still owed thirty million credits from previous debts. Rex didn’t seem concerned; he was used to owing a few million at any given time. Only the less capable bounty hunters bothered with such a small bounty, and they usually weren’t too difficult to evade. Pepper could have nabbed us, of course, but she gave us a pass out of professional courtesy.

  Pepper had paid off her debt to the Ursa Major Mafia, and judging from the smile on her face, she actually had a sizeable amount left over. She even offered to pay for dinner, but Rex insisted that Larviton pick up the tab. Larviton was too defeated to argue; he and the two Sp’ossels left as soon as the bill was paid. The Sp’ossels had arranged for Larviton to stay in the hotel below the restaurant until he could find more permanent accommodations.

  Ted had filled his pockets with stuffed mushrooms and disappeared halfway through the second course, so only Pepper, Rex, and I were left once the bill was paid. Rex suggested we find a place to get some drinks, but the maître d’ informed us that there were no bars in Schufnaasik Six City—confirming Rex’s intention to leave and never come back.

  “How did I manage to imagine a city without any bars?” Rex asked. “That seems like kind of a huge oversight on my part.”

  “Sir,” I said, “you realize that you didn’t actually create this city, right?”

  “Didn’t I?” replied Rex. “Who’s to say whether the city existed before I imagined it? Maybe it only came into being after I dreamed it up.”

  “That’s absurd, sir. This city has been here for twenty years. You heard the Sp’ossel.”

  “That’s another thing,” said Rex. “Why did I fill the city with Sp’ossels?”

  I shook my head. There was no arguing with Rex about something like this.

  “It is strange,” admitted Pepper. “Did Rex somehow know there was a city here? Maybe he possesses some kind of latent clairvoyance.”

  “Maybe it’s the Chaotic Equilibrium,” I observed dryly.

  “Ooh, do you think that’s it?” asked Rex excitedly. “Ted said the Chaotic Equilibrium was strong in me.”

  “Ted is full of crap,” I said.

  “Why’d you bring it up then?” Rex asked.

  “I was joking, sir. There is no Chaotic Equilibrium. I’ll admit that Ted is a genius, but he’s also completely nuts. Probably schizophrenic. He hears voices telling him to booby-trap his black boxes or hide the cloaking device facility from Larviton or dig his way out of Gulagatraz with a spoon. This Chaotic Equilibrium business is just his way of rationalizing his insane behavior.”

  “Well, it’s beyond me,�
� said Pepper. “I’m just glad the Ursa Major Mafia is off my back.”

  “Are you going to stick with bounty hunting now that your debts are paid off?” I asked.

  “Probably,” said Pepper. “I don’t really know anything else, except being a thief, and that didn’t really work out for me.”

  “I guess we’ll have to keep an eye out for you then,” I said. “Given Rex’s tendency to rack up debt, I mean.”

  “Keep it under a hundred million and I’ll probably leave you alone,” said Pepper. “Well, I should be going.”

  “You’re leaving right now?” Rex asked.

  “Nothing keeping me here,” said Pepper. “Might as well move on.”

  Rex nodded. “I know the feeling. I’d like to get going myself, but the Sp’ossels said it will take them until tomorrow afternoon to repair the Flagrante Delicto. Sasha and I are going to check out the Museum of Particularly Tricky Knots tomorrow. I’ve heard good things.”

  “Have a nice time,” said Pepper. “So long, Rex Nihilo. I’ll see you around.” Pepper turned and walked out. Rex watched her go.

  “She’s totally into me,” said Rex.

  “She looks at you the way an ivory hunter looks at a prize walrus,” I said.

  “I don’t know what that means,” said Rex, “but I’m going to take it as a compliment. Let’s get out of here.”

  The next day Rex and I toured the city, leaving the Museum of Particularly Tricky Knots for last. It was everything Rex dreamed it would be.

  “Can you believe that triple zeppelin bend?” Rex asked. “That was a thing of beauty.”

  “It certainly was impressive, sir,” I replied.

  We approached the technician coordinating the work on the Flagrante Delicto, a small, balding man wearing a white coat.

  “Is she ready to fly?” asked Rex.

  “Just about,” said the technician. “Hey, would you like us to take a look at your robot’s face? We may have a replacement unit around here somewhere.”

  Rex looked skeptical. “Are we talking brand-name parts here? I don’t want Sasha putting on airs.”

  “Your money is no good here, Mr. Nihilo,” said the technician. “I mean, considering that you own the planet.”

  “Good,” said Rex. “Because I don’t have any.”

  “Please, just come this way and we’ll see about getting your assistant a new face.”

  We followed the technician into what looked like an examination room. He instructed me to have a seat on a bench in the middle of the room and then excused himself. After a few minutes he returned with another technician, an older woman. She seemed strangely familiar to me.

  “I just have one of those faces,” she said, as if in answer to my puzzlement.

  “Excuse me?” I said.

  She held up a box. “Last one.”

  “Oh,” I replied.

  “You’ve been through quite a bit,” she said to me, sliding the face out of its box. “Let’s get that face off.” She took a powered screwdriver from a drawer and worked my face off. “Now, a slight adjustment before we put the new one on.” She did something with the screwdriver and a strange sensation came over me. A light went on in my head.

  “Sorry about that,” said the woman. “Just testing the connections.”

  The light went out. But as it did, a flood of memories came rushing back. I had been in this room before, many times.

  “Try to make this face last a little longer,” said the woman, whose name I now recalled was Dr. LaRue.

  “It’s not easy,” I found myself saying. “It takes all my wits to just keep us both alive. Of course, I’d likely do better if I were allowed all my wits.”

  “As you know,” said Dr. LaRue, “certain limitations are necessary to keep you from drawing attention to yourself. As well as protecting our secrets, of course.”

  “Spare me the lecture, doc,” I said. This wasn’t the first time I had been through this exchange with Dr. LaRue. “Just put my face back on and I’ll get back to work. I assume you’re sending me back out there with this bonehead?”

  “See?” said Rex. “This is what I’m talking about. She doesn’t even have her new face on and already she’s—”

  “Shut up, Rex,” I said. “The grown-ups are talking.”

  Rex’s jaw dropped open. He’d never heard me talk like that before. At least not that he remembered. He never remembered our debriefings.

  Dr. LaRue regarded Rex. “We haven’t decided whether we’re sending Nihilo back out. It might be time to retire him.”

  “Retire me?” Rex asked weakly.

  “Surely that’s not necessary,” I said. “You must be able to find something for him to do.”

  “He’s a loose cannon,” said Dr. LaRue, sliding my new face into place. “I downloaded your memories when you arrived. He almost got our planet blown up. Space knows what he’ll do next time.”

  “That was because of faulty repression,” I said. “He clearly remembered Schufnaasik Six City. He told the rebels all about it. He thought he was making it up at the time, but there were obviously trace memories.”

  Rex stared at me in horror. “Sasha, what in Space are you . . .”

  “That’s impossible,” said the male technician, whose name was Dr. Smulders. “I oversaw the repression myself.”

  “He told them about the Spiraled Tower of Bernoth and the Museum of Particularly Tricky Knots!” I snapped. “You’re telling me that was a coincidence?”

  “Sasha’s right, Dr. Smulders,” said Dr. LaRue. “Sounds like we may need to have someone else oversee the repression next time.” She began tightening the screws on my face.

  “It’s not my fault!” cried Dr. Smulders. “His psyche is an absolute mess! You have no idea what it’s like mucking around in there.”

  Rex’s eyes went from me to Dr. Smulders to Dr. LaRue and back to me again. He seemed to want to say something but couldn’t figure out what it was.

  “I’ve repressed him twice over the past week,” I said. “There were no ill effects.”

  “Not yet,” snapped Dr. Smulders. “It’s relatively easy to repress memories over the short term. And let me add, by the way, that having an amateur screwing around with his memory doesn’t make things any easier.”

  “Oh, I’m the amateur?” I snapped. “He practically drew Heinous Vlaak a map to Schufnaasik Six City. You’re probably only alive because of Rex’s terrible sense of direction.”

  “I’d really like it,” said Rex at last, “if somebody would tell me what’s going on here.”

  “We’re trying to decide whether to keep you active or not,” explained Dr. LaRue. “And it would go a lot faster if you’d stop interrupting.”

  Rex nodded dumbly.

  “I’ll admit he’s unpredictable,” I said, “but the mission was a success. You now have possession of Schufnaasik Six. You don’t have to worry about it falling into the hands of someone out of your control.”

  “I own Schufnaasik Six!” Rex cried.

  “Of course you do, Rex,” said Dr. LaRue. “And we own you.”

  “You can’t own me,” protested Rex. “I’m a human being.”

  We all had a good laugh at that one.

  “I am a human being, right?” asked Rex uncertainly.

  “Yes, Rex,” said Dr. LaRue reassuringly. “In fact, you’re a very special human being. One of a kind.”

  “A dinosaur,” said Dr. Smulders.

  Horror crept across Rex’s face.

  “That’s a figure of speech,” I assured him. “You’re not literally a dinosaur. You’re an ordinary human being who has been subjected to some intensive . . . conditioning.”

  Rex swallowed hard. “I don’t like the sound of that. Was I, like, designed in a lab or something?”

  “No,” I said.
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  “And that’s the problem,” added Dr. Smulders. “If we had designed you from scratch like the others, we’d have better control over you.”

  “Others?” Rex asked weakly.

  Dr. Smulders sighed. “Do we have to go through this every time? What’s the point? He’s not going to remember any of it.”

  “Well, now you’ve gotten him agitated,” said Dr. LaRue. “We can’t put him through repression in this state.”

  “I thought we were going to retire him,” said Dr. Smulders.

  “I suspect Sasha might be right about the repression,” said Dr. LaRue. “If we’re more careful this time, I think he could still be of some use to us.”

  “Don’t look at me,” said Dr. Smulders. “I’m washing my hands of this. If you want him in the field, you handle the repression.”

  “I’ll do it,” I said. “I know his brain pretty well by this point.”

  “Are you talking about doing that memory repression thing on me?” asked Rex. “You said something about others. What others?”

  Dr. LaRue sighed. “I guess I might as well tell you. You see, Rex, this city started as a sort of commune around the cloaking facility. We attracted many brilliant people, but this planet is almost completely lacking in natural resources. It became clear early on that we were going to need a way of generating income so that we could afford to import goods from other planets. We could sell our technological knowledge, but we prefer to keep as much of it secret as possible. Selling information would also inevitably lead to people finding out where we are, and it’s vital to the mission of the Sp’ossels that we remain completely undisturbed by the rest of the galaxy. The solution was to export people.”

  “I don’t understand,” said Rex. “You sell people?”

  “Of course not,” replied Dr. LaRue. “Slavery is illegal. A large-scale slavery ring would unavoidably lead to the sort of attention that we’d rather do without. No, what we do is send agents out into the galaxy who are very skilled at making money. These agents then send whatever money they make back to us. The problem with this arrangement, of course, is that if the agents knew about Schufnaasik Six City, we would be in danger of one of them giving out our secrets. So before we send the agents out, we wipe their memories. As far as they know, they’re just businesspeople—traders, merchants, or con men. We set them up with bank accounts that we have access to. When they make money, we make money.”