The Complete Phule’s Company Boxed Set

by Robert Asprin

  This alone would have caused discomfort in the other two officers of the court … but there was more. The colonel had arrived unannounced from Legion Headquarters specifically to preside over the court-martial, and while she did her best to pass it off as a routine visit, simple logistics dictated that she would have had to be dispatched within hours of receipt of the notification to have arrived as soon as she did. The implications of this were clear: Headquarters had a special interest in this case and wanted to be sure of its outcome. The problem was that neither of the other two officers had a clue as to what was expected. While their best guess was that the lieutenant was to be made an example of, they chose by unspoken agreement to proceed cautiously, playing good guy/bad guy while waiting for some clue from the court president. After an hour of this, however, the colonel had yet to give any indication as to which way she was leaning, contenting herself to listening intently as the other two “argued.”

  “Do you want to review the court recordings again?”

  “What for? They haven’t changed!” Major Joshua snarled. Olive-complexioned and naturally hyper and intense, he had easily assumed the bad-guy role. At this point, however, he was tiring of the game and eager to bring things to a head. “I don’t know why we’re still debating this! The man’s guilty as sin—hell, he even admits it! If we don’t come down hard on him, it’ll look like we’re condoning what he did.”

  “Look, Josh—I mean, Major—there were extenuating circumstances involved.”

  The rotund Captain Humpty had no difficulty playing the good-guy devil’s advocate. It was his habit to champion the underdog, though this case was trying even his generous tolerances. Still, he rose gamely to the challenge.

  “We keep saying we want our junior officers to show initiative and leadership. If we slap them down every time they try something that doesn’t work, then pretty soon no one will have the courage to do anything that isn’t under orders and by the book.”

  The major snorted in disbelief. “Incentive! Bloodthirsty opportunism is more like it—at least, that’s what the media called it, if I remember correctly.”

  “Are we letting the media set our discipline these days?”

  “Well, no,” Joshua admitted. “But we can’t completely ignore our public image, either. The Legion is already considered to be the bottom of the heap. It’s disasters like this that have everyone thinking we’re a haven for criminals and losers.”

  “If they want Boy Scouts, there’s always the Regular Army, not to mention the starfleet,” said the Captain dryly. “The Legion has never been a home for angels, including, I’ll wager, all of us in this room. We’re supposed to be judging this man’s questionable action, not trying to salvage the Legion’s reputation.”

  “All right. Let’s look at his action. I still don’t see any redeeming factors in what he did.”

  “He inspired one of those Dudley-Do-Right pilots you’re so envious of to make an unauthorized strafing run. I know commanders who haven’t been able to get that kind of cross-service support even when the pilots were under orders to cooperate. Do you think it’s wise to squelch that kind of leadership potential?”

  “That depends on if you’re differentiating between ‘leadership’ and an ability to incite disobedience. What your young lieutenant really needs is a couple years in the stockade to calm him down. Then maybe he’ll think twice before he goes charging off half-cocked.”

  “I don’t think we want to do that.”

  Both men broke off their argument and turned their attention to the colonel, who had finally entered into the discussion.

  “While you have made several valid points, Major, and your proposed sentence would be in line with those points, there are certain … factors to be considered here which you are not aware of.”

  She paused, as if weighing each word for correctness, while the other officers waited patiently.

  “I am extremely reluctant to bring this up—in fact, I rather hoped it wouldn’t be necessary. As you know, each Legionnaire starts with a clean slate when he or she joins up. We aren’t supposed to be biased by, or even be aware of, their personal history prior to their enlistment. To maintain that illusion, I’ll have to ask that not only what I tell you be kept in strictest confidence, but also the fact that you were told anything at all.”

  She waited until both men had nodded their agreement before continuing, and even then seemed reluctant to speak directly.

  “It goes without saying that the lieutenant comes from money. If he didn’t, he wouldn’t be an officer.”

  The others waited patiently for information that was news. It was known that the Legion raised money by selling commissions … or rather by charging hefty fees to anyone who wanted to test for one.

  “I did notice that he has his own butler,” the captain said, trying to be amiable. “A bit pretentious, perhaps, but nothing the rest of us couldn’t afford if we were so inclined.”

  The colonel ignored him.

  “The truth is … have either of you considered the significance of the lieutenant’s choice of a name?”

  “Scaramouche?” Major Joshua said with a frown. “Aside from the obvious reference to the character from the novel, I hadn’t given it much thought.”

  “I assumed it was because he fancied himself to be a swordsman,” the captain put in, not to be outdone by his colleague.

  “Before the novel. Perhaps I should say that the real origin of the name and title is a stock character from Italian comedy—a buffoon or a fool.”

  The men scowled and exchanged covert glances.

  “I don’t get it,” the major admitted at last. “What has that got to do with—”

  “Try spelling ‘fool’ with a ‘ph’ … as in p-h-u-l-e.”

  “I still don’t—”

  The colonel sighed and held up a restraining hand.

  “Take a moment and study your sidearm, Major,” she said.

  Puzzled, the officer drew his pistol and glanced at it, turning it over in his hand. As he did, a sharp intake of breath drew his attention and he realized that the captain had successfully put together whatever it was that the colonel was driving at. “You mean …?”

  “That’s right, Captain.” The court president nodded grimly. “Your Lieutenant Scaramouche is none other than the only son and heir apparent to the current owner and president of Phule-Proof Munitions.”

  Stunned, the major gaped at the pistol in his hand which bore the Phule-Proof logo. If the colonel was correct, then the lieutenant he had been about to throw the book at was one of the youngest megamillionaires in the galaxy.

  “But then why would he join …?”

  The words froze in the major’s throat as he barely caught himself on the brink of the worst social gaff a Legionnaire can commit. Suddenly uncomfortable, he turned the pistol over in his hands again to avoid the icy stares of the other officers. While it was a definite breach of regulations for the colonel to reveal the lieutenant’s personal background, the one question no one was ever allowed to ask of or about any Legionnaire was “Why did he or she join?”

  After an awkward few moments had passed, the colonel resumed the discussion.

  “Now, what we need to consider before reaching our verdict is not only that Phule-Proof Munitions is the largest arms manufacturer and distributor in the galaxy, not to mention the current supplier of arms and munitions for the Space Legion, but also that it is the largest single employer of Legionnaires who quit or retire. I think we have to ask ourselves whether the lieutenant’s offense was so great that it’s worth jeopardizing the relationship between the Legion and its main supplier, not to mention our individual careers.”

  “Excuse me, Colonel, but didn’t I read somewhere that the lieutenant and his father were on the outs?”

  Colonel Battleax fixed the captain with her coldest stare. “Possibly. Still, family is family, and I’m not sure I’d want to bet on how the father would react if we threw his only son into the stocka
de for a few years. Then, too, assuming the lieutenant eventually inherits the company, I wouldn’t relish going to him for a job when I retired … not if I was one of the ones who sentenced him to jail.”

  “It would be a lot easier if he just resigned,” Major Joshua muttered darkly as he mulled over this new development.

  “True,” the colonel said, unruffled. “But he didn’t … and you know Legion regulations as well as I do. We can level any kind of punishment we want on a Legionnaire, but we can’t drum them out of the service. He can resign, but we can’t force him to quit.”

  “Maybe if the sentence was rough enough, he’d resign rather than accept it,” Captain Humpty suggested hopefully.

  “Perhaps, but I wouldn’t count on it. I, for one, don’t like to bluff if I’m not willing to live with the consequences if it’s called.”

  “Well, we’ve got to do something to him,” the major said. “After all the coverage he’s gotten from the media, we’d look silly if we didn’t make an example of him.”

  “Perhaps.” The colonel smiled tightly.

  Major Joshua scowled. “What do you mean by that … sir?”

  “I mean it wouldn’t be the first time a Legionnaire has been renamed to keep the media hounds off his track.”

  “You aren’t seriously suggesting that we let him off scot-free, are you?” the captain broke in. “After what he’s done? I don’t favor ignoring—”

  “I wasn’t suggesting we let the lieutenant escape unscathed,” Colonel Battleax interrupted hastily. “I merely think that in this particular situation, it might be wisest if we considered some alternatives to confinement in the stockade for punishment. Perhaps we could find a new assignment for our misfit … a tour sufficiently unpleasant that it would leave no doubt in his or anyone else’s mind as to the opinion this court has of his little Wild West show.”

  The officers lapsed into silence then, as they searched their minds of a posting that would fill their needs.

  “If he were a captain,” the major said to himself, breaking the silence, “we could ship him off to the Omega crew.”

  “What was that, Major?” The colonel’s voice was suddenly sharp.

  Joshua blinked as if waking from a dream, jolted into remembering that the court president was from Headquarters.

  “I … Nothing, sir. Just thinking out loud.”

  “Did I hear you say something about an Omega Company?”

  “Sir?”

  “Do you know anything about this, Captain?”

  “About what, sir?” Captain Humpty said, mentally cursing the major’s loose tongue.

  The colonel swept both men with an icy glare before speaking again.

  “Gentlemen, let me remind you that I’ve been in the Legion twice as long as either of you. I’m neither blind nor stupid, and I’ll thank you not to treat me as if I were.”

  The other two court members squirmed uncomfortably, like schoolboys in a principal’s office, as she continued.

  “The Space Legion is smaller and less glamorous than the Regular Army, more like security guards than an actual fighting force. We don’t enjoy the advantage they have of fielding units made up entirely of soldiers from one planet, hence our policy of accepting all applicants, no questions asked.

  “Now, I know this policy has always caused problems for field officers such as yourselves. Despite our loose discipline and regulations, there are always those who don’t fit neatly into military life—misfits or losers, depending on how polite you want to be when describing them. I’m also aware that, in direct disregard for standing orders regarding the treatment of Legionnaires, from time to time there develops an Omega Company—a dumping ground for problem cases that field officers are too busy or lazy to deal with. They are usually broken up as soon as they are discovered by Headquarters, but they continue to pop up, and when they do, the word gets passed quietly through the Legion until someone inadvertently leaks the information to Headquarters, and then the game starts all over again.”

  Her forefinger began to tap impatiently on the table.

  “I’m am aware of all this, gentlemen, and now I’m asking you bluntly: Is there an Omega Company currently operating in the Legion?”

  Confronted by the direct question, the other officers had little choice but to respond, and respond truthfully. Honesty was a primary requirement within the Legion (it didn’t matter much what you told outsiders, but you weren’t supposed to lie to your own), and while field officers were masters of half-truths and omissions, this particular approach left little maneuvering room … which was why the colonel used it.

  “Ummm …” Major Humpty fumbled, searching for words to sugarcoat the confession. “There is a company that seems to be drawing more than its share of … Legionnaires who are having difficulty adjusting to life within—”

  “Losers and problem cases,” the colonel cut in. “Let’s call a spade a spade, Major. Where is it?”

  “Haskin’s Planet, sir.”

  “Haskin’s Planet?” The Battleax scowled. “I don’t believe I’m familiar with that one.”

  “It’s named after the biologist who explored the swamp there prior to settlement,” Captain Joshua supplied helpfully.

  “Oh yes. The contract with the swamp miners. So that’s the current dumping ground, eh?”

  Humpty nodded curtly, relieved that the senior officer seemed to be taking the news so calmly.

  “The CO … the commanding officer there has been consistently … lax in screening his transfers …”

  “And in everything else, as I recall,” the colonel added grimly. “Lax … I like that. There may be a future for you in media relations, Major. Please continue.”

  “Actually the situation may correct itself without Headquarters intervening,” the captain said, hoping to evade the stigma of having betrayed their fellow officers to Headquarters. “Scuttlebutt has it that the CO’s tour is over soon, and no one expects him to reenlist. A new CO will probably put a stop to things out of self-preservation.”

  “Maybe … maybe not.”

  “If you’re worried about reallocating the … problem cases,” the major put in hastily, “I’m sure normal attrition will—”

  “I was thinking about our problem of sentencing Lieutenant Scaramouche,” the colonel interrupted dryly. “If you’ll recall, that is the subject of our discussion.”

  “Yes … of course.” Humpty was relieved but surprised at the apparent change in subject.

  “What I was about to say,” Battleax continued, “was that in light of this new information, I think Major Humpty’s earlier suggestion has a certain degree of merit to it.”

  It took the other officers a moment to follow her train of thought. When they did, they were understandably taken aback.

  “What? You mean transfer him to the Omegas?” Captain Joshua said.

  “Why not? As I just pointed out, Omega Companies are a fact of life in the Legion. While Headquarters generally disbands them as being too easy a solution for our problems, at times they have their purposes … and it seems to me this is one of those times.”

  She leaned forward, her eyes bright.

  “Think about it, gentlemen. An unpleasant, no-win assignment may be just what’s needed to convince our young lieutenant to resign. If not, he’s conveniently out of the way and in no position to cause us further embarrassment. The beauty of it is that no one, including his father and the lieutenant himself, can accuse us of not giving him a chance at redemption.”

  “But the only officer’s post available there is—or will be—the CO slot,” the major protested, “and that position calls for at least a captain. That’s what I was saying when—”

  “So promote him.”

  “Promote him?” the captain said, painfully aware they were talking about a rank equal to his own. “We’re going to reward him for fouling up? That doesn’t seem right.”

  “Captain, would you consider it a reward to be placed in command of an Omega
Company … even if there was a promotion attached?”

  Joshua made no effort to hide his grimace.

  “I see your point,” he conceded, “but will the lieutenant realize he’s being punished? I mean, he’s new to the Legion. He may not even know what an Omega Company is.”

  “If not, he’ll learn,” the colonel said grimly. “Well, gentlemen? Are we in agreement?”

  * * *

  With this decision, made out of desperation, a new chapter was begun in the Space Legion’s already spotty history. Without knowing it, the court officers had just provided a head, not to mention a soul and spirit, to the group that was to become known as the Omega Mob, or, as the media liked to call them, Phule’s Company.

  Chapter One

  Journal File #004*

  Some have commented that the executive mind tends to expand work to fill, or overfill, available time. While I will not attempt to comment on the overall accuracy of this statement, it was certainly the case during our preparations prior to departure for my employer’s new assignment.

  For my employer, this meant countless shopping expeditions, both in person and by computer. As you will note in these chronicles, unlike many of his financial level, he was never reluctant to part with his money. In fact, when confronted by a choice of two items, he seemed to invariably solve the dilemma by simply purchasing both—a habit I found less than endearing as I was the one required to store and track these acquisitions.

  Of course, his pursuit of equipment and wardrobe meant that other important chores tended to be neglected … such as conducting research on the situation which we had been thrust into. As is so often the case, I felt compelled to step into this void rather than allow my employer to begin this new endeavor without proper preparation.

  * * *

  The Port-A-Brain computer system was designed to be the ultimate in pocket computers. Its main strength was that it enabled the user to tap into nearly any data base or library in the settled worlds, or place an order with most businesses above a one-store retail level, or communicate directly with or leave messages for anyone or any business which utilized any form of computerized telecommunications, all without so much as plugging into a wall outlet or tapping into a phone line. What’s more, the unit, complete with folding screen, was no larger than a paperback book. In short, it was a triumph of high-tech microcircuitry … but there was a small problem. Each unit cost as much as a small corporation, placing it well out of the financial reach of the individual and all but the most extravagant conglomerate executive officers; and even those who could afford one usually contented themselves to use the cheaper modes of data access, particularly since their job positions were lofty enough to allow them to delegate such menial tasks as research and communications to lower echelon staffers. As such, there were fewer than a dozen Port-A-Brain units in actual use in the entire galaxy. Willard Phule had two: one for himself and one for his butler. He reasoned the expense was worth avoiding the inconvenience of waiting in line for a pay terminal.