The Complete Phule’s Company Boxed Set

by Robert Asprin

  “Right away, sir.” The Legionnaire saluted and fled to the cover of his original group.

  “Sorry if that’s a problem,” Doc said, “but Junior here’s been traveling with me ever since his mom died. We hire out as a team, sort of a package deal. The lieutenant there said she wasn’t sure she could take us, but I thought she had cleared it with you before she gave us the final call.”

  Something flitted across the commander’s face, but was gone before it really registered.

  “Nothing we can’t work out.” He smiled. “Besides, he seems as solid as any of our regular troops, though that may not seem like a compliment to some. Anyway, glad to have him aboard … and the same goes for all of you, for that matter. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to circulate a bit.”

  “Good luck, Captain,” Tiffany chirped as he turned to leave.

  “Thank you … umm …”

  “Tiffany,” she supplied with a smile, arching her back slightly.

  The commander’s eyes flickered over her, a bit more slowly than when he had been assessing Doc’s son.

  “Right,” he said. “Well … later.”

  “Wipe your chin, Tiffany,” Lex said softly, nudging her as she watched the commander walk away. “Really. I thought you liked them a bit broader in the shoulder than that.”

  “He has other attractions,” the actress purred, following the Captain with a predator’s eyes.

  “Oh? Like what?”

  She glanced at him in genuine surprise.

  “You mean you really don’t know?” she said. “My God, I spotted him as soon as he came in for the briefing. He even told us who he was.”

  Lex shrugged. “So he’s rich. So what?”

  “Rich doesn’t start to cover it,” Tiffany insisted. “That, gentlemen, is Willard Phule, the fourth-richest man in the universe under forty-five who isn’t gay or married and monogamous.”

  Doc frowned. “How do you know that?”

  “How does a bug know when it’s going to rain?” Lex said dryly. “Yes, I start to see the attraction he has for you, Tiff.”

  “Hey, a girl’s got to look out for her future,” the actress said. “Our business trades on looks, and makeup can only cover so much so long. Catch you later, guys. I have more questions to ask our captain—just to make sure he doesn’t forget who I am.”

  Chapter Five

  Journal #203

  Despite the dubious beginning, relations between the Legionnaires and the actor/auxiliaries improved steadily during our voyage to Lorelei. While not quite accepting their new comrades into the fold, the company seemed at least willing not to condemn them as a group, judging them instead on their performance and character traits as individuals.

  In part, this was doubtless due to the shared experience of the in-flight lessons on casino gambling and scams taught by Tullie Bascom and the instructors from the school he ran for casino dealers.

  I will not attempt to detail the techniques for cheating and detecting cheats which were imparted in these lessons, as it is my intention to chronicle the career of my employer, not to provide a training manual for larceny at the gaming tables. Suffice it to say that the instruction was sufficiently challenging and intense that it drew the force together, in part to practice on each other, and in part to swap tales of embarrassing slips and failures.

  Watching the eagerness with which the company attacked their lessons, however, I could not help but wonder if they were preparing for the upcoming assignment, or if, perhaps, they were rabidly squirreling away information for their personal use. Apparently I was not the only one this occurred to …

  * * *

  Tullie Bascom’s report had run long, much longer than anyone had expected after he appeared for the meeting without notes. Twenty-five years of working casinos, mostly as a pit boss, however, had sharpened his eye and memory to a point where he rarely wrote anything down—names or numbers. Instead, he appeared to speak off the top of his head, rattling on for hours as he reviewed each of his students’ strengths and weaknesses, while the commander and the two junior officers flanking him filled page after page on their notepads with his insightful comments.

  This was a closed meeting, convened in the commander’s cabin, and was, in all probability, the final session before Tullie and his team left the ship at its last stop prior to the final leg of the journey to Lorelei.

  After the last Legionnaire was reviewed, Phule tossed his pencil onto his notepad and leaned back, stretching cramped muscles he hadn’t noticed until just now.

  “Thank you, Tullie,” he said. “I’m sure I speak for all of us when I say the job you’ve done has been most impressive—both with the lessons and with keeping us informed of the company’s progress.”

  He paused to glance at his two lieutenants, who nodded and mumbled their agreement, still a little dazed at the volume of data which had just been dumped on them.

  “You paid top dollar. You get my best shot,” Tullie responded with a shrug of dismissal.

  “I can’t think of any questions on individuals that you haven’t already covered in depth,” the commander continued, “but if it’s not asking too much, can you give us your impressions of the force as a whole?”

  “They’re some of the best I’ve ever trained, though I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell them I said that until after I’ve left,” the instructor admitted easily. “Of course, it’s not often that I get students who can attend multiple sessions, one right after the other, day after day, like we’ve been doing on this trip. Usually, I’m training folks who have to work their lessons in around their paying jobs, at least until they get certified.”

  “Do you think they’re ready to hold down a casino on their own?” Phule pressed.

  Tullie scratched his right ear and frowned for a moment before answering.

  “They’ll catch the casual cheats easy enough,” he said. “As to the pros, I don’t know. Your boys are good, but the grifters who can do you real damage have been polishing their routines for years. Some of ’em you can’t spot even if you know what you’re watching for.”

  “Like a good sleight-of-hand magician,” Armstrong observed.

  “Exactly,” Tullie said. “Some of these mechanics even show you what they’re going to do—that they’re going to second-deaf a card and when they’re going to do it—and you still can’t see it when they work it at normal speed. I can’t, and I’ve been training my eye for years.”

  The commander frowned. “So how do you catch them?”

  “Sometimes you don’t,” the instructor admitted. “If they don’t get greedy—just hit once or twice and keep moving—they can get away with it clean. About the only way to spot bad action is to watch the patterns. If one player starts beating the odds on a regular basis, or if one table starts losing more often than can be explained by a bad run, you’ll know you’ve got problems. Just remember not to get hung up on trying to figure out how they’re doing it. You can lose a lot of money waiting for proof. If something doesn’t ring true, shut the table down or run your big winner out of the casino. Of course, if you’ve got an experienced staff of dealers and pit bosses, they should be able to handle that without coaching from you.”

  “If you say so,” Phule said, grimacing a little. “I just wish we didn’t have to rely so heavily on people outside our own crew.”

  “Well, I can say for sure that your boys are head and shoulders above any casino security force I’ve ever seen,” Tullie pointed out. “Most guards are just for show—to discourage folks from trying to get their money back by stickin’ up the joint. I’d say that any team of pros that tries to work their scam assuming your team is window dressing will be in for a nasty surprise. They may not be able to spot every scam, but if the opposition gets even a little sloppy, they’ll know it in a minute.”

  “I guess that’s the best we can do.” Phule sighed. “I only wish we had some kind of extra edge.”

  “You do,” the instructor insisted. �
�I told you before, that little girl you got, Mother, is gonna make it real hard for anyone to get cute. She’s superb. And I don’t say that about many people. Easily the best ‘eye-in-the-sky’ person I’ve ever seen. Even my own people had trouble pulling stuff while she was watching. In fact, I’d like to talk to her before I leave about maybe hiring her myself when her enlistment’s up … if it’s all right with you.”

  “You can certainly try talking to her,” Phule said, smiling, “but I don’t think you’ll get far. She’s deathly shy when it comes to face-to-face conversation. That’s why we had the whole camera and microphone setup in the first place. If you really want to talk to her, I suggest you borrow one of our communicators and talk to her over that.”

  “That reminds me,” Tullie said, clicking his fingers. “I wanted to be sure to thank you for setting up that crazy camera and mic rig. It’s the weirdest thing I’ve seen in a long time, but it worked like a charm. In fact, I’m thinking of trying the same thing back at my school and adding ‘eye-in-the-sky’ to my curriculum. I owe you one for that. I don’t think there’s another school going that offers that kind of training.”

  What Tullie was referring to was the special training Phule had arranged for the company’s communications specialist, Mother. Knowing that her shyness would negate her effectiveness on public duty, he had suggested to her, and she agreed, that she stand duty in the casino’s eye-in-the-sky center. This was the room in any casino which monitored the closed-circuit cameras hidden in the ceilings over the various gaming tables. These cameras were equipped with zoom lenses to allow close scrutiny of any dealer, player, or card, and were one of the casino’s main defenses against cheats on either side of the table.

  In an effort to train her for this duty, Phule had rented a half dozen closed-circuit cameras and microphones and set them up over the tables where the Legionnaires were receiving their instruction so Mother could hear and see what was going on in her accustomed anonymity. Tullie had been skeptical about the arrangement at first, until Phule gave him a headset so that he could carry on a two-way conversation with Mother as the lessons were in progress. Even the cynical instructor was impressed with the speed with which Mother picked up the table routines, and her ability to spot any deviation from them, though it wasn’t clear if he was more taken with the innovative training system or with Mother herself.

  “Is that to say I can expect a discounted rate for your services?” Phule asked innocently.

  Tullie favored him with a smile.

  “I can see why your troops like you, Mr. Phule,” he said. “A sense of humor like yours doesn’t come along just every day.”

  “That’s what people tell me,” the commander said, smiling back to show he hadn’t really expected the instructor to cut his profits. “Well, unless there are any further questions, I think we’ve pretty much covered everything.”

  He glanced at his lieutenants for confirmation, but it was Tullie who spoke.

  “If you don’t mind, Mr. Phule, I’ve got a question myself.”

  “What’s that, Tullie?”

  “Well, like I said, your boys have picked up a lot of information about gambling scams during this flight, and part of our deal was that none of my school’s records would show them as students, right?”

  “That’s right.” Phule nodded. “What’s the point?”

  “So how can you be sure you haven’t just footed the bill for my training up a new pack of grifters? What’s to keep them from taking what they’ve learned and going into business for themselves once they get out of the Legion? And I don’t mean by opening a training school, either.”

  “Mr. Bascom,” Phule said carefully, “we also train our troops to use firearms despite the fact they could use that same training to be maniacal killers in civilian life. We give them the training in the skills they need to stand duty in the Space Legion, and beyond that we have to trust them not to misuse that training once their enlistment’s over.”

  “Trust them? That bunch of crooks?”

  Armstrong dropped his notepad and glanced fearfully at his commander, who was staring fixedly at the gambling instructor.

  “Excuse me,” Phule said in a dangerously soft voice. “I didn’t quite hear that.”

  Tullie shrugged. “I just meant that I’ve never seen so many blatant or potential criminals assembled in one—”

  “I think what the captain means, Mr. Bascom,” Rembrandt interrupted hastily, “is … if you could, perhaps, rephrase your statement?”

  The instructor finally caught the warning in her voice. The Space Legion commander doubtlessly already knew the caliber of the troops under his command, but they were still his troops, and derogatory comments about them, however true, were ill advised.

  “I … umm … just meant that your boys seem to show a real … flair for larceny,” Bascom said, backpedaling hastily. “I was just a little worried … Well, there’s always a chance that they might be tempted to misuse what I’ve been teaching them. That’s all.”

  “I trust them,” Phule intoned in a voice that would have sounded more in place coming from a burning bush. “End of subject. Do you have any other questions?”

  “No. I … no,” Tullie said. “That covers everything.”

  “Very well,” the commander said. ‘Then, if you’ll excuse us, there are a few things I have to go over with the lieutenants. Again, thank you for your work with the company. Be sure to relay my thanks and appreciation to your instructors.”

  “I’ll do that,” Bascom said, and fled gratefully from the meeting.

  “Do you believe that?” Phule huffed after Tullie’s departure. “The man suspects our troops may be less than upstanding citizens!”

  The three officers looked at each other for a moment, then exploded into laughter.

  There was an edge of hysteria to their gaiety, not surprisingly like people who had been too long without sleep and under pressure who finally found an outlet for their tension.

  “Guess he’s never worked with the Space Legion before,” Armstrong gasped, trying to catch his breath.

  “Well, certainly not with our crew, that’s for sure,” Rembrandt agreed, wiping a laugh tear from one eye.

  “Seriously, though,” the commander said, bringing himself under control at last, “Tullie does have a point. Be sure to brace the company about keeping their hands in their pockets, at least until this assignment’s over. No showing off, and no grifting-for-pocket-change pots. We’re supposed to be the guards on this caper, and it wouldn’t do to have anyone get busted for the exact same thing we’re policing the casino for. That kind of media coverage we don’t need. Besides, I think it would be tactically sound not to let on how much we do or don’t know just yet.”

  “Gotcha, boss,” Rembrandt said, flipping an index-finger salute at him. “You want us to tell them as a group or as individuals?”

  “Both,” Phule said firmly. “A general announcement should do for most of them, but I think some of them would benefit from a personal reminder that we’re watching them and won’t tolerate any nonsense this time around.”

  “So what else have you got for us, Captain?” Armstrong said, picking up his notepad.

  “Nothing, really,” Phule said, stretching his arms. “I just thought I’d give you two a chance to ask any questions that Tullie shouldn’t be hearing. I figure I’ll give you some time to review your notes before we get down to the final shift assignments—that and get some sleep. You two have been pushing yourselves awfully hard on this trip so far.”

  Rembrandt gave out a snort.

  “Look at who’s talking,” she said. “You’d better get some sleep yourself, Captain, or Beeker’s going to sneak something into your food.”

  “Beeker never thinks I get enough sleep.” Phule shrugged, dismissing the subject. “You get used to his grumbling after a while. So, anything either of you want to go over just now? Anything at all, not just Tullie’s report.”

  “Not that I can
think of, sir,” Armstrong said, giving his notes one last glance. “As near as I can tell, we’ve got everything covered.”

  The commander nodded. “I know. And to be honest with you, that worries me a little.”

  “How so?”

  “Well, there’s an old saying in business,” Phule said with a rueful smile. “If you think you’ve got everything covered, it means there’s something you’re overlooking.”

  “Cheerful thought,” Rembrandt observed wryly, then glanced at the commander with a mischievous twinkle in her eye. “As a matter of fact, I have one question for you, sir—if you’re really throwing the floor open.”

  “Shoot.”

  Rembrandt sneaked a wink at her partner. “I was just wondering, how are you doing at staving off the Red Menace?”

  The Red Menace was the nickname the Legionnaires had assigned to Tiffany, mostly due to her blatant and obvious efforts to herd Phule into her bed. Of course, to her face, the moniker was shortened to just “Red.”

  “Isn’t that question a bit personal, Lieutenant?” the commander growled in mock severity.

  “Yes and no, sir,” Armstrong chimed in with a grin. “You see, the crew is giving odds as to your holding out, so you might say it affects the morale of the whole company, which, as you keep telling us, is our business.”

  “Really?” Phule said. “What odds?”

  Armstrong blinked and glanced at Rembrandt, who admitted her own ignorance with a shrug.

  “I … I don’t actually know, sir,” he sputtered. “It’s just something I’ve heard. Why? Is it important?”

  “Well, if the payback’s big enough, I just might put some money down myself, then rake in the whole pot—if you know what I mean,” Phule said through a yawn.

  There was no response, and he glanced at his lieutenants, only to find them staring at him.

  “Hey! It’s a joke. Okay?” he clarified. “You know I don’t fool around with women under my command—or you should know it by now.”

  His junior officers rallied gamely, though their late laughter was a little forced.