The Complete Phule’s Company Boxed Set

by Robert Asprin

  “Good morning,” he said warmly, pulling out a chair for himself. “Mind if I join you?”

  Dark eyes rose from the book they had been reading and stared coldly at him from a chiseled ebony face.

  “Excuse me? Do you know me?”

  The chill in the voice surpassed that in the look, presupposing the answer for the question even as it was being asked.

  “Only by reputation,” the butler said, easing into the chair. “I simply thought I’d take this opportunity to meet you in person. Unless I’m mistaken, you’re Laverna, currently in the employment of Maxine Pruet.”

  The slender woman leaned back in her chair, crossing her ankles and folding her arms across her chest.

  “And who does that make you?”

  “Ah. Apparently I lack your notoriety.” The butler smiled, unruffled by Laverna’s closed body language or the implied challenge in her voice. “Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Beeker. I am employed by Willard Phule—or Captain Jester, if you prefer—in a capacity not unlike your own, though I imagine with substantially less input in financial matters.”

  “You’re what?”

  “I’m his butler,” Beeker said. “I buttle.”

  The temperature at the table dropped even further.

  “So you’re going to sit here at my table and try to pump me for information about Mrs. Pruet?” Her tone made it a statement rather than a question. “Look, Mr. Beeker, I don’t get much time to myself, and this is it. I don’t want to waste it playing twenty questions with some fool … or his butler.”

  Beeker stared at her levelly for a moment, then stood up, gathering his coffee as he did.

  “Forgive me for intruding on your privacy, Ms. Laverna,” he said. “It seems I was mistaken.”

  “Don’t go away mad,” Laverna said with a sneer, and reached for her book once more.

  “Not mad. Simply annoyed,” the butler corrected. “More with myself than with you.”

  “How’s that?”

  “I pride myself in my judgment of people, Ms. Laverna,” Beeker explained. “In fact, my effectiveness depends on it. I therefore find it annoying when it turns out I misjudged someone, particularly in a case of overestimation.”

  “Mr. Beeker, I’ve been awake nearly thirty hours running now,” Laverna said. “If you’ve got something to say to me, you’ll have to say it straight out—and in plain words. I’m not tracking things too well.”

  The butler paused, then drew a deep, ragged breath.

  “Forgive me,” he said. “I’m rather tired myself. All I meant was, I had assumed that from what I had heard and considering your position, you would be a highly intelligent person—intelligent enough to realize that I would not expect you to divulge any information about your employer any more than I would volunteer information about mine. People in our position don’t last long if they are careless with confidences. The trust required has to be earned and maintained, so when dealing with someone of a similar standing to my own, I assumed trustworthiness and expected it would be assumed in return.”

  Laverna weighed his words in silence for a few moments.

  “So why did you come over, then?” she said finally.

  Beeker gave a rueful smile.

  “Strange as it may seem, considering the constant demands on our time, I was feeling lonely and thought perhaps you felt the same. In our positions as aides-de-camp to rather strong-willed people, it occurred to me that we probably have more in common with each other than we do with our respective employers.”

  A sudden smile split Laverna’s face, uncharacteristic to anyone who knew her.

  “Sit down, Mr. Beeker,” she said, pulling out the chair next to her. “We may have things to talk about, after all. Nonspecific things, of course.”

  “Of course,” the butler said, accepting the offered seat. “And it’s ‘Beeker’ … not ‘Mr. Beeker.’”

  * * *

  My first conversation with Laverna was pleasant, though tinged with irony.

  I, of course, said nothing to indicate that my employer was aware of her employer’s planned computerized assault on the casino, nor gave any hint that Albert and his Bug Squad were working frantically to counter it even as we spoke.

  She, in turn, never let it slip that there was a disruptive incident in progress … again, even as we spoke.

  It was expected that Maxine would order a certain number of diversionary incidents during this period. If nothing else, they served, or so she thought, to draw my employer’s attention away from her real attack as well as convince him he had the situation well in hand. In turn, to convince her that her strategy was working, my employer and his force were required to play along with each scenario as it unfolded.

  It is worth noting, however, for both the casual reader and the student of military behavior, that however minor or token a diversion might be, for the direct participants, the action is very real.

  * * *

  “You’d think they’d have caught on by now,” Kong King said, glancing at the door next to the loading dock as the electric delivery van pulled away. “That’s the third shipment we’ve turned away.”

  “They’ll figure it out soon enough.” Stilman didn’t even turn his head. “Restaurants need fresh food to operate. You’re sure you’ve got your orders straight?”

  Kong knew his orders, as did his four confederates. They had heard them often enough: no fewer than a dozen times even before they took up their station at the casino’s delivery entrance. If anything, it was a bit insulting that the headman felt it was necessary to repeat things to them so often. He kept his annoyance to himself, however. He had worked with Stilman several times before and knew the ex-astroball player wasn’t someone you mouthed off to.

  “We go through the motions of shutting down deliveries to the kitchen until a security guard shows up,” he said as if for the first time. “Then we let him run us off. No rough stuff beyond harsh words and maybe a little shoving.”

  “That’s right,” Stilman said with a minute nod. “Remember. No rough stuff.”

  “These security guards … all they have is tranquilizer darts in their guns. Right?”

  Stilman turned slowly until he was facing the thug who raised the question.

  “That’s what I told you,” he said. “Do you have a problem with that?”

  Normally the man would have been cowed by this direct attention, but instead he simply shrugged his shoulders and looked away.

  “I just want to be sure this ‘no rough stuff’ rule works both ways,” the thug grumbled. “I don’t want to be no clay pigeon in a shooting gallery for nervous guards.”

  “They aren’t regular guards,” one of the others supplied. “They’re some kind of army types.”

  “Yeah?” The original questioner fixed Stilman with an accusing gaze. “You didn’t say nothing about that when you was briefing us.”

  “It’s been all over the media,” Stilman said levelly. “I assumed you knew. All it means is that they shouldn’t rattle as easily as normal guards would.”

  “Well, I don’t like it.”

  “You aren’t supposed to like it. If you did, we wouldn’t have to pay you to do it.”

  Kong tensed, waiting for Stilman to quell the rebellion physically as well as verbally. To his surprise, however, the headman simply turned his back on the complainer.

  “If it makes you feel any better,” he muttered, “I don’t like it, either. It’s Max’s orders, though, and while I’m taking her pay, she calls the shots.”

  Kong tried to think of another time when he had heard Stilman speak out openly against an order from Max, but couldn’t bring one to mind. Coming from him, the casual complaint was of monumental significance.

  “Here comes another one.”

  One of the small electric vans that were the mainstay of the space station’s delivery network was pulling off the main drag into the loading area, a meat wagon this time.

  The men waited in silen
ce as it backed into position, then uncoiled from where they had been lounging against the wall and moved forward as the driver came around to open the back of the vehicle.

  “Hey! You can’t unload here!”

  “Who says I …”

  The driver’s words died in his throat as he turned and took in the six musclemen between him and the door.

  “Hey, I don’t want any trouble,” he said, holding up his hands as he backed away.

  “No trouble, friend,” Stilman said easily. “You just got the wrong address is all.”

  The driver frowned. “This is the Fat Chance Casino, isn’t it?”

  “Maybe you don’t hear so good,” Kong said, moving forward slightly. “The man said you have the wrong address! Something wrong with your ears? Something we should maybe try to fix for you?”

  “What the hell’s going on here?”

  Kong managed to keep a straight face as the men turned to confront the white-aproned cook who had come charging out of the kitchen door. It was about time someone inside had noticed the activity on their loading dock. Security should be close behind him.

  The urge to smile faded as he recalled their “no rough stuff” orders.

  “Nobody unloads here until you hire some union help,” Stilman was saying, moving to confront the cook directly.

  “What are you talkin’ about?” the cook said. “There aren’t any unions on Lorelei!”

  Kong was distracted from the conversation by a small, dark-skinned figure who emerged from the kitchen behind the original cook. Completely ignoring the raging argument, the little man strode over to the open delivery van and shouldered a quarter side of beef, then turned back toward the kitchen.

  It occurred to the thug that he should stop the unloading, or at least call it to Stilman’s attention, but he was loath to intrude on the verbal brawl or take individual action while the headman was right there. Fortunately, the decision was taken out of his hands. The laden figure passed close by the two arguing men on his way back to the kitchen, and Stilman spotted him.

  “Hey! What do you think you’re doing?” the headman demanded, breaking off the debate.

  The little man stopped and turned to face him, regarding him levelly with dark eyes.

  “Must get meat inside,” he said. “Not good to leave out here. Too warm. Might go bad.”

  “Maybe you didn’t get the drift of what I was saying,” Stilman challenged, moving closer. “You can’t unload that stuff while we’re around.”

  The little man bobbed his head.

  “Good. You take.”

  With that, he half tossed, half thrust the meat at Stilman, shoving it forward as the balance came off his shoulder. The headman was unprepared for the weighty mass suddenly launched at him, but he managed to catch it—more from surprise than intent.

  The little man ignored Stilman’s reaction, stepping past him to address the stunned thugs.

  “You … and you,” he said, stabbing a finger at the two largest musclemen. “Get meat from there and follow me.”

  At this point, Stilman recovered his wits.

  “To hell with this!” he roared, throwing the meat down and brushing at the front of his suit.

  With his back turned, he couldn’t see what happened next, much less have a chance to counter it. Kong was facing in the right direction, but even he had trouble later describing exactly what happened.

  With a pantherlike bound, the little man was close behind Stilman. There was a flash of metal, which resolved itself into a long butcher’s knife—only visible when it came to rest pressed against the headman’s throat.

  “You do not throw meat on the ground!” the little man hissed, eyes slit in anger. “Now it ruined! No good! Understand?”

  Kong and the other thugs stood rooted to the ground in frozen tableau. They could see that the knife was pressed against Stilman’s neck so tightly that the flesh was indented, and knew without being told that the slightest move from the knife or Stilman would lay his throat open.

  “Please do not move, gentlemen.”

  Their attention was drawn to a new figure who had entered the scene.

  “What the hell is that?” one of the thugs said, though he echoed the thoughts of the entire group.

  “Do not be fooled by my appearance, gentlemen,” the singsong, musical voice continued, though they could see now that the sound was actually coming from a mechanical box hung around the neck of the intruder. “I assure you that though my form is not the human standard you are accustomed to, I am a member of the casino security force and authorized to deal with disturbances as I see fit.”

  The speaker was a sluglike creature with spindly arms and eyestalks. Balanced on a kid’s glide board and encased in a tube of black fabric which suggested rather than imitated the familiar Space Legion uniforms, the creature looked more like some bizarre advertising display than an authority figure.

  “No, I meant what is that you’re holding?” the thug corrected. “That doesn’t look like a tranquilizer gun.”

  The Sinthian had a sinister-looking mechanism tucked under his arm. The tubelike barrel, which was pointing at the thugs, appeared to be a good inch in diameter, though they knew from experience that the muzzle of a weapon always looks bigger when it’s pointed at you.

  “This?” the Legionnaire chirped, bending one eyestalk to look at his implement. “You are correct that it is a weapon. It is magazine-loaded, however, which enables me to change the loads depending on the situation at hand.”

  He suddenly pointed the weapon at the fallen side of beef, and it erupted with a soft stutter of air.

  The thugs could see a line of impacts on the meat, but no appreciable damage. Then they noticed the surface start to bubble, and a sharp hiss reached their ears.

  “As you can see,” the Sinthian was saying, “I neglected to bring my tranquilizer darts on duty with me today, an omission which will surely earn me a reprimand if reported. All I have with me are acid balls—and, of course, a few high explosives.”

  He realigned the weapon with the motionless men.

  “Now, if your curiosity is settled, gentlemen, I suggest you begin unloading the van as requested. I’m afraid it may ruin your clothes, but you should have come dressed for the occasion.”

  The thugs glanced at Stilman.

  “Do as he says,” the headman croaked, still under the knife.

  “And pay for ruined meat before you go,” his captor added.

  “But I didn’t …”

  “You throw meat on the ground, you pay for it!” the little man growled, tightening his grip. “Yes?”

  “Okay, okay!” Stilman gasped. “Pay the man … Now!”

  * * *

  In my privileged position, I was able to hear not one but two accounts of the loading dock incident: the one which constituted the official report, and the one passed among the Legionnaires over drinks and coffee. As such, I could not help but note that in the account rendered to my employer, both Escrima’s role and the use of the acid balls were diplomatically omitted.

  Far more important to me, however, was the evidence of growing bad blood between the forces led by my employer and those reporting to Laverna’s employer. This concerned me since, to the best of my knowledge, both leaders seemed unaware of the tensions building in the levels under them.

  Chapter Eleven

  Journal #234

  There is much made of the satisfaction felt by a commander when a plan comes together.

  Obviously, I cannot comment on the conduct of all, or even the majority of, military commanders under these circumstances, but the behavior of my employer on the opening day of the Fat Chance Casino showed little of this passive enjoyment. Rather, he was more like an insecure party hostess, hurrying here and there and busying himself with countless details, dealing with both important and minor chores with equal intensity

  * * *

  Huey Martin was in the middle of getting dressed when he was interrupted by an insist
ent hammering on the door of his suite. This was both annoying and puzzling, as people rarely visited his room, and never without calling in advance.

  “Who is it?” he called, hurrying to button his shirt.

  Instead of an answer, he heard the sound of a key in his lock. Before he could protest, the door slammed open and the commander of the casino’s security force strode into the room, followed closely by two guards … and Gunther Rafael himself!

  A sudden pang of fear stabbed at the casino manager’s gut, but gambler’s reflex kept him from showing his emotions openly.

  “What’s going on?” he demanded indignantly. “I’m trying to get ready for the opening.”

  “That won’t be necessary,” the commander said levelly. “You’re being relieved of your duties. Effective immediately.”

  “I … I don’t understand,” Huey said, looking at the casino owner in feigned bewilderment.

  “It won’t work, Huey,” Gunther said tersely. “We know all about your working for Max and about the dealers you’ve been hiring.”

  “We have some interesting tapes from the eye-in-the-sky cameras,” Phule said. “Your pet dealers have provided us with a catalog of skims and scams, often while you were standing on camera watching them. They’re being met as they report for duty, incidentally. We felt it was best that they not work the opening. In fact, they’re being given the entire week off without pay. After that, we’ll interview them again to see if they’re willing to work for us without the skims and perks.”

  “But that won’t leave you with enough dealers to open!” the manager said, then realized he was admitting the extent of his treachery.

  The commander smiled humorlessly. “That would be true if we hadn’t arranged in advance for replacements for them … and you.”

  Huey was stunned by the admission that this action against him was not spontaneous, but rather the result of foreknowledge and substantial planning.

  “So what does this mean for me?” he said, both from curiosity and to cover his confusion.

  Gunther looked at the commander.