Modern Mistress

by Hannah Jay

  Once you have a pattern established make sure you don’t get caught by your bank statements or credit card bills. Try to pay your mistress’s allowance in cash. She’ll be happy to avoid the hassle of a cheque and cash itself is untraceable. However, if you withdraw exactly the same sum twice a month from a bank account your wife has access to, that will raise red flags. Much better to withdraw smaller, odd amounts on an irregular basis.

  A good story and clever cash management does not, however, put you in the clear unless you exercise really precise communications discipline. Your smart phone and computer are your worst enemies if you would like a discreet rendezvous with your mistress.

  Your smart phone records the details on every call you make and receive as well as keeping a browser history of its own. (And with the right software, it will beam its location to anyone who happens to be curious.)

  Some men will use their corporate phone and computers to make the necessary arrangments with their mistress. Depending on your company’s policies and the curiosity of the IT department this is an excellent way to get fired. While arranging a friendly golf game on corporate IT resources is almost always seen as fair ball, setting up encounters with your mistress on company equipment is, itself, a firing offence and if someone is looking for a reason, this provides ample just cause. Don’t do it.

  A few bits of intelligence will let you use your regular devices to communicate with your mistress. Most modern browsers – Chrome, Firefox, Safari – have a stealth mode. Use it.

  Get a second SIM card for your smart phone. The fact is that having a second smart phone is going to look very suspicious – indeed it is a “tell” that a girl works as an escort – but a second SIM card it tiny, can be locked and effectively gives your phone a whole new identity.

  If you only use your second SIM card for your mistress activities it provides you with a safe number for return calls, a place to store your lovely mistress’s details and pretty pictures.

  On your smart phone, with your second SIM, set up a secondary gmail account. This should be close to your own name and, if that name is taken, try your.name.private which is usually available. This account should be reserved exclusively for mistress activities. With the gmail account you will get email and Google’s SMS/messaging application which allows you to text.

  Beware of syncing. Occasionally, you will set up your second SIM card and requisite Google accounts and, because Google is vast and clever, find that the pictures you take on your phone with the mistress SIM card in place, find their way to your regular Google backup gallery. Or in the phone’s gallery. This can be more than a little incriminating depending on your mistress’s willingness to engage in a bit of amateur photography. Before using the pieces of your incognito set up it is a good idea to ensure that all of the sync options are turned OFF. And even then, take a few pictures of flowers and see where they end up. Unless you are sure they are not going to your normal accounts it may be best to suppress your inner shutterbug.

  Basic cyber-security is only as good as the person using it. Going to the trouble of setting up a private phone and computer system is useless if, even once in a while you forget to go into stealth mode on your computer or call your mistress using your regular SIM card.

  The nice part of a mistress relationship is that it is regular. Tuesday night at 8 is easy to remember and requires no communication at all once it is in place. If you have to cancel, well, while it would be nice to tell her the fact is that you are not dating. You can make your excuses the following week.

  However, even if you are meticulous about covering your cyber tracks the fact is that people are caught up all the time by little things. The classic example being a scrap of paper with your mistress’s name and number on it that you, by mistake, leave in your pant’s pocket. If your wife does the laundry, you’ll have some explaining to do. Similar mistakes include an unused condom when your wife is on birth control or a Viagra tablet which went unused. Any one of these items leaves you busted.

  A basic precaution is not to write things like your mistress’s numbers or address on loose pieces of paper. Using the contacts feature of the second SIM card is much more secure. But even that might be compromised in some circumstances and here a little bit of subterfuge can save a lot of difficulty.

  Busted

  If you take the precautions outlined above you will have to be pretty unlucky to get caught seeing your mistress. But any good plan has a Plan “B” and your mistress may, despite your best efforts, be discovered.

  When a man is confronted by his wife or girlfriend with his infidelity with his mistress, he faces a number of options none of which are terrifically attractive. They range from the lie direct, “What are you talking about? I have never been unfaithful to you in my life,” right on through to full confession.

  Obviously the choice of whether to lie outright to your spouse or significant other is one not to be approached lightly. If a man lies about his mistress and his wife has hard evidence which contradicts his lie, he is pretty much doomed. On the other hand, a full confession in the face of soft evidence or mere suspicion of mistress activity ensures that a man is convicted with his own words.

  Matrimonially, there is no 5th Amendment. You have no right to silence and, in most relationships, silence is an admission of guilt. So any serious Plan “B” needs to work towards determining how much evidence your wife has of your mistress escapades.

  One factor in any successful Plan “B” is the knowledge that your wife knows you very well. If you have a track record of evasion and lying, she will assume that you are deceiving her about your mistress. On the other hand, if you “never lie,” that track record is going to improve your chances.

  A second, equally important factor, is the very real possibility that your wife or girlfriend is not disclosing all the evidence she actually has. So, when you say, “What are you talking about, of course I don’t have a mistress. Why would you think I had?” don’t be surprised when she pulls your secret email account with dates and places and amounts.

  A third factor is what you think your wife wants to believe. If you are in the midst of a rough patch in your marriage, the chances are your wife is ready to think the worst of you vis a vis women, beers with the guys and your abject failure to fix the sink. On the other hand, if all is going swimmingly, your wife may very well want to dismiss her suspicions that you may have a mistress. It could well be that the last thing your wife wants to hear is that she’s right and you do, in fact, have a mistress.

  There is very little you can do about your wife’s present attitude, but there is a great deal you can do to establish a track record and get complete disclosure of the evidence. The track record is nothing more than good manners. A long streak of honesty is not only useful when potentially caught in the mistress jam, it is also, indirectly, a good way to keep the marriage on a happy, even keel.

  Getting all the evidence requires more than a little finesse. In some ways it depends on your significant other’s line of attack. The simple question, “Are you seeing someone else?” can easily be parried with, “Why would you think that?” which, in its turn is likely to bring the basis of your wife’s suspicions to the surface. Better to know what you are up against.

  A more confrontational approach - your wife flat out says she knows you have a mistress - can be dealt with in much the same way, “What do you mean?” may sound a bit disingenuous but it gets the conversation rolling and the evidence on the table.

  If the evidence of your mistress activities is circumstantial, if there is no smoking gun, a partial admission, “Yes I have been thinking about taking a mistress, but I never done anything about it.” may work. But make sure you know exactly how much evidence your wife has.

  Ultimately your wife may very well have hard evidence that you have been keeping a mistress. It is not unreasonable to think you are pretty much hooped when confronted with that but it may not be too late.

  So far, if you have been smart
, you have not denied seeing a mistress. You have avoided the lie direct and the insult which it inflicts. If the evidence is solid your options narrow to confession and a plea for forgiveness, or admission with an explanation. Neither are ideal outcomes.

  Both confession and admission need to be as narrow as you can make them: one transgression with a mistress is much easier to forgive than a series of encounters. Again, find out how much your wife actually knows before saying much of anything.

  A straight (if narrow) confession of a single lapse combined with a promise never to see your mistress again may, if your wife is in a forgiving frame of mind, get you off the hook. It will mean you’ll be watched like a hawk for months, if not years, and that your mistress activities will be on hiatus for quite a while; but a single lapse is likely forgivable.

  An admission with an explanation and a plan going forward is a much riskier strategy but may be the only course open if your wife has hard evidence of multiple mistress encounters. Again, try to keep the admission of seeing your mistress as narrow as possible but have an explanation which, while it leaves you looking awful, reassures your wife that your extra-mural activity does not imperil her marriage.

  A good strategy is to admit that you have a particular fetish/activity which you find compelling but which you just never thought you could bring yourself to ask your wife to participate in. It does not have to be nasty, just sufficiently embarrassing that your wife will understand how you could not have asked her to fulfill your needs. It is a great deal easier for a wife to forgive your mistress encounters if she can see they were the only way you could balance your cravings with your respect for her. It may not be entirely true, but it is plausible and that is all that is needed.

  Good planning, a well established routine, careful cash management and attention to communication discipline should allow you to keep your mistress well below your wife’s radar. Having a solid Plan “B” in case of detection will minimize the damage to your marriage or relationship in the event you are caught.

  Having a mistress creates a risk of detection but minimizing that risk is nothing more than the good manners a gentleman always displays towards his wife.

  How Not to Get Caught: Take Two

  On the other side of the coin, if all this subterfuge seems more Maxwell Smart than you care to be, and according to your ethical code deception does not denote respect, then you first should examine why you are keeping in the first place, and secondly, realize that you would be more credible and honourable to stand by your decisions and actions and take the heat and the consequences if and when the occur.

  That means using your cell phone and computer without techno wizardry to conceal—yep, her name and phone number comes up in the memory—and on the history of your computer. The cover-up is no longer a tangled web of deception that takes on shadows darker than the “crime” itself. Keeping a mistress, while not welcome news to wife or girlfriend, is actually not as bad as being a weasel about it.

  In some circumstances, particularly where there is a long an good marriage, kids, assets and social position at stake, your wife, after the first shock, may actually be relieved to know that you have a mistress. So much better for everyone than if you were seeing hookers or, worse, a subordinate co-worker who will line up to sue for sexual harassment.

  Chapter 18 | Why Mistresses Are No Threat To Wives

  The traditional scene is repeated over and over in households across America. The husband arrives home late. The wife is angry. There’s a fight. He comes up with a lame excuse, she doesn’t believe him but can’t prove anything. She thinks, but has no evidence to confirm, that he is seeing “another woman”. He is, but won’t admit it. The wife starts looking for signs and, eventually, finds them. He’s caught. His wife has found the proof that he is seeing another woman. Now what?

  In the big world there are two sorts of “other women”; women who are seeing a husband because they are interested in him; and women who see him on a commercial basis. For a wife who wants to keep her marriage intact, a commercial arrangement with a mistress is a much better outcome than the discovery that her husband is seeing a co-worker or a girl he met in a bar. In France, where there supposedly exists such a flurry of extra-marital affairs, they actually have a term for a discrete rendezvous in the hours after work: a cinq a sept (five-to-seven).

  It is a truism that men are not, by nature, monogamous. And this is particularly true of men who are successful. Alpha males – and more than a few Betas – tend to have fairly voracious sexual appetites. While it is certainly possible for a man to keep his marital vows, the fact that he strays may simply be in his nature.

  From the wife’s perspective, having a successful, confident husband is deeply attractive – not just because of the material advantages and the potential for great kids – because it means she has effectively won the matrimonial sweepstakes. The downside being that her prince is also more than a little likely to be just as attractive to other women.

  For an intelligent, mature wife, the question is not if, but when, her husband strays. And if that is the question, then the answer is damage control. Difficult as it may be for a woman to discover her husband’s infidelity, the fact is that infidelity comes in many guises.

  Escorts anecdotally report that the majority – sometimes the vast majority – of their clients are married or partnered. And, given the size of the escorting industry, that means that there is a great deal of infidelity to go around.

  Most mistresses – in the old sense of that word– namely women who have an allowance paid by a patron for their favours – also tend to have patrons who are married. This is commercial infidelity and a sensible wife will recognize that a mistress poses far less threat to her marriage than a girlfriend or co-worker would.

  For mistresses, infidelity is not their problem. It is not even an issue in what is for them, a purely business transaction. They are selling companionship and intimate activity for a monthly. From the mistress’s point of view, the last thing they want is any emotional or personal entanglement with their clients. And, of course, a mistress knows the old saying, “When a man marries his mistress, it creates a vacancy.”

  So, here is why a wife should be relieved her husband has a mistress rather than having a girlfriend.

  A Mistress Does Not Wish to Marry Your Husband – The biggest danger that a wife faces when her husband is unfaithful, is that the woman he is unfaithful with will want to replace her. In other words, that pretty file clerk is not sleeping with your husband just for fun. She has what old maiden aunts would call “designs”.

  For a woman who has invested years of her life in a marriage, the last thing she wants is for her husband to trade her in for the girl in cubicle #4. With a mistress there is not the slightest danger that infidelity will be anything more than business.

  Safety – No married woman wants to be at risk for sexually transmitted diseases. And no mistress will willingly indulge in unprotected sex until she has known her patron a good long while. The problem posed by the girls your husband may pick up in bars is that they are the sort of girls who sleep with guys they pick up in bars. Safe sex is not “optional” with a mistress, it’s usually mandatory. With a one night stand in a bar or at a convention, it may very well be forgotten. One thing a wife can count on if her husband is seeing a mistress, is that the mistress will be professional.

  A Professional Situation – Wherever a mistress is seeing your husband she will control the situation. Personal safety and discretion is a paramount consideration. The measures they take for their own safety will also ensure your husband’s safety. This extends well beyond the use of condoms. A mistress wants to be physically safe which usually means finding an apartment or condo which is in a low crime area and which has things like building security and secured parking. If a mistress is going out with your husband she will be very careful to avoid situations which, frankly, your husband shouldn’t be in in the first place.

  Married Sex is
not Mistress Sex – As enthusiastic and lusty as a wife may very well be, the reality of marriage is that sex can often become comfortable, predictable, and well, even boring. Perhaps this is why couples are taking to spicing up their sex lives with sex tapes and the like. While there is much to be said for catering to these bedroom antics in marriage, there is also a good deal to be said for outsourcing the more outlandish sexual activities. This very much depends on the couple but a husband who explores his inner sexual athlete with a mistress may well be a kinder, gentler lover in the marital bed.

  Fetishes – Men being the wonderful and complex creatures they are, have obsessions. It is not true that women cannot have fetishes, they can, but it is relatively rare for a woman to pursue a particular fetish with the single mindedness a man can bring to the objects of his desires. Again, a loving wife may be very able to cope with her husband’s desire to dress as a French Maid and paint his toe nails; but the problem is that this is almost never what the wife would actually be comfortable with. Plus, truth to tell, seeing her wonderful alpha husband in lady’s clothing or with an improbable object in his bottom, may diminish her respect, if not her love, for him.

  Mistresses, on the other hand, make a good living from catering to the various sexual diversions of their patron. Better still, because their patrons are paying for the privilege of being tied up or “forced” to wear high heels or worship Mistress’s feet, there is a pretty clear line between an hour or two of fantasy, and real life.