Hard To Stay

by S. Jones

  “I’m confused, Brad.” Lexi said. “Why am I just hearing out about this ‘Samantha’ girl now? How come you never told me you were seeing someone?”

  “I never told you, because there’s nothing to tell.” I snapped defensively, instantly regretting my tone. The last thing I wanted her to do was to doubt me in any way, shape or form. It didn’t matter what kind of bullshit rationalization I gave myself. I couldn’t deny that I had strong feelings for the woman.

  “I guess I’m just surprised, is all. I thought we were friends. We’ve spent so much time together over the last couple weeks. You never mentioned you were seeing someone.” It was clear to see by the hurt look in her eyes that Garrison had caused the rift between us that he had intended.

  “Samantha and I were never all that serious and I haven’t been with her in a while.” I offered a weak explanation, wishing I could discuss this in private instead of in a crowded bar in mid-town Manhattan. There was so much more that I needed to tell her, but now was not the time or place.

  “Well, Samantha says otherwise.” We all turned our heads to Garrison who was looking all too smug, and completely ignoring our collective stares.

  Sawyer held his hand out, blocking my path when he realized I was about ready to take him out. “Garrison, you’re being an exceptional asshole tonight, much more so than normal. I know for a fact that Brad ended things with Sami a few weeks ago. I’m not exactly sure what kind of game you’re playing, but for fuck’s sake, will you knock it the fuck off?!”

  Lexi bent her head sideways looking like she was working out the timeline in her head. “A few weeks?” She questioned. The timing was purely coincidence, but I heard the questioning in her tone. “I hope our friendship didn’t have anything to do with your break-up.”

  “It didn’t.” I stated, hoping to make myself perfectly clear. This was not the time or place to get into this. Seeing that that there was no other option I gave her as much as I could. “In spite of whatever Garrison was told, Samantha was way more invested in our relationship than I was, so I ended it.”

  Lexi knew I had a past. She just didn’t know how much my break-up with Emily had affected me. How could I possibly explain that once things became more than physical with a woman, I’d make a clean break and head for the exit, without sounding like a total douche? It was a topic I went out of my way to avoid. Actually, I dreaded talking about my past at all. Even a year later, my emotions were still too raw to share with anyone.

  My ears burned when I heard Garrison laugh, ratcheting my defenses up. “Oh, that’s right. Brad’s still pining for Emily. The one that got away. According to Samantha, he’s still waiting for her to come back to him.”

  I’d had enough. I moved in, bumping my chest up against his. “You need to shut your fucking mouth, or I will shut it for you.” I said, seething with anger. I was two seconds away from laying him flat on the floor.

  Garrison turned towards Lexi and rocked back on his heels with his thumbs hooked through the belt loops of his jeans. “Looks like I hit a nerve with you, Morgan.” He turned away and replied. “My bad. I forgot that the subject of Emily is off limits.” He raised his eyebrows with a self-satisfied smile taking over his face. He was so damn stuck on himself. “I don’t blame you though, she was one fine looking piece of ass.”

  My temper exploded. I grabbed the pretentious son of a bitch by his shoulders and shoved him back against the wall. I instinctively drew back my right hand and raised my fist. “You’re a piece of shit, you know that?” I said with my fist headed for the bridge of his nose. Before it had a chance to connect, Sawyer and Lucas stepped in, grabbing the back of my arms and holding them in place.

  The bar grew silent. Everyone seemed to be focusing on the scene unfolding in front of them. I glared into Garrison’s face and felt my jaw pulse when I noticed the small glint in his eyes. He had finally gotten the confrontation that he was seeking. Lucas placed his hands on my shoulders and calmly pulled me away. I knew I just fucked up royally.

  “Brad, come on man, calm down. He’s not worth it.” I heard Lucas say against my ear.

  “Chill dude. You’re scaring the shit out of Lexi.” With that, I looked over only to see her big, beautiful blue eyes filled with panic. I did not like seeing that look on her face and it made me feel like shit knowing my actions had put that there.

  “Are you all good now?” Lucas asked, patting my shoulder one last time before he let go completely.

  It took a moment to get my breathing in check. Once I was sure it was back to normal, I looked over to Lexi and softened my voice. “I’m so sorry you had to see that.”

  “You don’t owe me an explanation. I’m just surprised, I’ve never seen this side of you before.” The disappointment in her tone came out loud and clear. Then she turned her concerned eyes to Garrison. “Are you okay?”

  It made me angry that she was the slightest bit concerned about his wellbeing. And that’s when it hit me. That is exactly what he wanted. It pissed me off that I’d just allowed Gage Garrison to play me like a Stradivarius.

  My anxiety started to climb to an unhealthy level. What the hell did I just do? He wanted what was mine although technically Lexi wasn’t mine to take. This was just a big game of cat and mouse and he just swiped my cheese.

  So much was happening at once and I needed a minute to process everything. I lifted my head and took in my surroundings. I knew I had to get things under control. So, without saying another word, I headed towards the exit to go get some fresh air.

  Once outside, I paced the sidewalk sorting out the thoughts running through my head. Questions started to hit me one by one. Was Lexi going to be afraid of me now? Did that just change how she felt about me? Could we still be friends after this? But the one question that was fighting its way through edge of my brain was where the hell did Garrison play into all this?

  My pulse had spiked when she jumped to his defense. Was she seriously interested in him? The stupid asshole wasn’t ugly either, and he knew that. He was using his looks to sink his teeth into her. The thought of the two of them together made my blood boil.

  I threw my head back against the brick wall, blowing out a painful breath. I had acted like a lunatic, stormed off and just left her there.

  It wasn’t lost on me that she was probably connecting the dots, thinking this was all about Emily. Which was only partially true. What bothered me the most was that I’d somehow hurt her. It was my job to protect her, and I’d failed. I’d let my personal feelings towards Garrison drive my actions and in the end, my behavior was more confusing and hurtful than his was.

  I didn’t make it more than 15 feet when the nagging sense to make things right sent me racing towards the door. There was nothing about the way I was feeling that made sense to me. But at the same time, everything about her felt right.

  I stalked back towards the door almost running head first into Lucas as he rounded the corner. The palm of his hand pressed deeply into my chest, halting my march inside.

  “I need to make this right.” I explained, trying to push past him. He placed all 240 pounds of muscle in front of me and gave my shoulders a shove. I watched as two guys who were making their way inside stopped on the sidewalk trying to decide if Lucas and I were about to trade a few blows. They paused for about 10 seconds and decided that the show was pretty much over and continued on with their journey.

  “You better get your shit together, Morgan, before you fuck things up even more than they already are. How could you let that asshole rile you up like that?” The frustration was clear in his voice and I don’t think I’d ever seen him so annoyed with me.

  “He fucking provoked me on purpose. What was I supposed to do, just stand there like an idiot?” I cleared his arms off my shoulders and gave him a shove backwards. We both knew if push came to shove, Lucas could have kicked my ass from here to Chinatown. At that particular moment I just didn’t give a fuck. I just wanted to get back to Lexi, and he was standing in my way.


  “Take a breath, Morgan. She’s upset and confused. Can you blame her? The two of you are having the biggest swinging dick contest in there and she gets caught in the middle of it. What is she supposed to think?” He stated, relaxing his grip on my shirt.

  “All the more reason for you to get the hell out of my way so I can go in there and fix this.” I said, trying to move around the crossed muscled arms blocking my path.

  He shook his head, disapprovingly. “I’m going to shoot it to you straight, brother. I’ve known you a long time. I know the shit you went through with Emily. I get it. I really do. But, dude, Lexi.” He bowed his head and made a low whistle. “A woman like that isn’t going to be available forever. If she means anything to you, then you need to step up your game. You can’t bullshit me and feed me that ‘she’s just a friend’ crap. I see the way you look at the woman and you are in over your head. And now your buddy, Garrison, knows it, too.” He cocked an eyebrow at me. “He’s a smooth one, you know. He could charm the skin off a snake. He’ll go after her just to piss you off. You better stake your claim before it’s too late.”

  The need to yell, to punch something was building with each breath I took. I felt waves of emotion wash over me, each one stronger and more dangerous than the one before it. I could let this sea of rage drag me under, or I could take a deep breath and start swimming towards the shore. There was only one other woman who had made me feel this way, and with her the storm took me under for a very long time. I wasn’t sure I could survive it twice.

  “I’m not sure I’m ready.” I confessed, staring at the ground, unable to meet his eyes.

  “Well, you better strap on your big boy pants, buddy, because it’s sink or swim time! I’m not the smartest man on the planet, but I can tell you that woman in there will not be single for long. So you better figure your shit out pretty damn quick.”

  Chapter Seven

  Lexi

  “Lexi, wait.” Faith’s arm wrapped around mine, slowing my progress of breaking away from the group. “I don’t know what’s going on, but,” she paused, shaking her head.

  “That man you just saw is not Brad Morgan. He and Garrison have issues, and it was clear that Garrison was doing everything he could to provoke him. Don’t hold it against him.”

  Deep down, I knew what she was saying was true, but the entire conversation gave me a moment of pause. I’d been running pretty low in the trust department lately with the men in my life. How was this the first time I’d heard about this woman? Either she really wasn’t anybody important, or he was hiding something from me.

  “I’m not sure what to think right now. Do you know anything about this Samantha?”

  Faith looked hesitant to answer, but I pressed her with my stare letting her know that I wasn’t going to let it slide. I was probably overreacting but I couldn’t ignore the jealousy that flowed through my body. I felt like I had no control over my feelings, even though logically I knew I had very little reason to feel that way.

  “Yes, I know about her. From what Sawyer told me, it wasn’t serious at all.” She clarified, and I didn’t miss how she phrased that sentence in past tense. But it still wasn’t enough to stop the questions from worming their way inside my head.

  “We’ve been hanging out non-stop for two weeks now. Why didn’t he ever mention her to me? I thought we were friends.”

  Faith smiled at me looking amused. “Friends, huh?”

  “Yes, friends.” I shifted on my feet and looked around, avoiding her intense stare.

  “Hmm,” she paused. “I’m not trying to put my nose in where it doesn’t belong, but that sure didn’t seem like ‘just friends’ to me.”

  I shook my head in denial, hoping if I said the words out loud again I would start to believe them. “We’re just friends.”

  Now, if only my heart would get the memo, everything in my world would be right again.

  “Okay. If you say so.” She didn’t look convinced, and judging by her expression, there wasn’t anything I could say to make her believe otherwise. I guess I couldn’t blame her given my over-the-top reaction.

  She obviously knew Brad well, and she apparently cared enough about him to defend his actions to me. Given that she had been dating one of his closest friends for the last five years, I should have expected as much. Which brought me to my next question.

  “Can you tell me about his ex, Emily?”

  Faith pursed her lips together like she was thinking it over. Unlike her immediate reply when talking about Samantha, I got the sense that this topic was so much more than that. Her chin dipped down to the floor, and the tight expression on her face only confirmed my theory. “I’m sorry. That’s not my story to tell. You’ll have to ask Brad.”

  This topic exasperated me for some reason. “I tried, but he practically snapped my head off, telling me he didn’t want to discuss it.”

  Her smile softened in understanding. “He will… when he’s ready. Brad is one of the good guys. They don’t come much better than him. Don’t forget that.” She reminded me. My cheeks flamed as I looked away because in my heart I knew she was right. He’d already done so much for me in the short period of time we’d known each other. I just wished he would trust me enough to open up to me.

  Faith squeezed my arm and then walked away leaving me alone with my thoughts. I stumbled down the hall, waiting for my turn to use the bathroom. While standing in line, I pulled out my phone and shot Abby a text:

  Me: Where are you?

  Abby: Sorry, I’m at the bar across the street. I knew you were safe with Brad. I’ll be back over shortly.

  What the hell! She just up and left me. Who the hell does that? I was so annoyed I didn’t even respond. I lifted my head to see that the line had not moved an inch since I took my spot at the end. Seeing that the line was moving so slow, I decided that I needed another drink more than I needed to pee. I slid my phone back into my wristlet and headed back to the bar.

  Sawyer and Faith were standing in the exact same spot where I had left them earlier. Thank God, because the size of the crowd seemed to have grown quickly. As I pushed my way through the throngs of people, I felt my heart sink when I saw Gage waiting for me instead of Brad.

  He held out a drink, which I presumed was his attempt at a peace offering. “Will you accept my apology?” he asked, with a hint of hesitation while dangling a freshly poured glass of Chardonnay in front of me.

  “That depends, are you going to attack any more of my friends tonight?

  He smiled at me in a way that most women would find attractive, but honestly, it did nothing for me. “I’ll do my best to behave,” he replied. “Now are you going to accept this or make me grovel a little more?” I could tell Gage was unaccustomed to groveling with a woman over anything, but I enjoyed seeing him squirm just a little bit.

  “Who am I to say no to a free drink?” I teased, trying to cut through the tension. Even though Gage and Brad didn’t seem to like each other very much, Gage had been nothing but nice to me the entire time.

  It also helped that I wasn’t drawn to Gage like I was to Brad. And my stomach didn’t flip-flop whenever he was near me. Which, ironically made Gage Garrison even more appealing and much safer for my heart.

  Gage nodded towards the dance floor. “Care to dance with me, beautiful?” His voice was low and smooth and I could smell the clean fresh scent of body wash. But it still didn’t compare to Brad’s woodsy cologne that I had come to love. Once I took a minute to appreciate him, I decided that he really was quite attractive. Although, given his actions earlier, he already had one strike against him. He instigated that showdown on purpose, but Brad wasn’t innocent, either. There was obviously some bad blood between them.

  The scuffle tonight had me seeing Brad in a new light. One I wished I could shut off and block out. It had me wondering how well I actually knew him. The more I thought it over, the more I realized that whoever this Samantha was, really didn’t bother me. I believed him and his f
riends when they said he was no longer with her. Now Emily, that was a completely different story. The mere mention of her name had me feeling unsettled.

  Regardless of why their relationship ended, it was clear to me that he wasn’t over her. That’s why every time my traitorous body started to entertain the idea of anything more than friendship, I had to shut it down. My life was still under serious construction at the moment and moving beyond anything more than friendship with Brad would be like ignoring those flashing yellow safety lights that read, ‘proceed with caution’. He was a big fat ‘do not enter’ and I needed to remember that.

  Gage gently grabbed my arm, tugging my conscience back to the here and now. He lifted his eyebrow playfully. “So, about that dance?”

  “Sure, why not?” I said, placing my drink on the bar. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Sawyer’s gaze bounce back and forth between the two of us. He looked like he was about to say something but Faith pulled on his arm and whispered into his ear.

  My lip-reading skills were as strong as ever because I could clearly make out the words. “Brad’s going to have my ass.”

  Well, Brad wasn’t here at the moment now, was he? I thought to myself. No, it was Brad’s temper tantrum that put us all in this position. Brad would have to deal with the consequences and get over it.

  Gage’s hand latched onto mine as he pulled us towards the dance floor. We claimed a small, vacant space in the middle of the crowd. My eyes glanced around the room, watching everyone sway to the beat of the music.

  He placed his hands on my hips and drew me tight against his hard chest. I closed my eyes and tried to pretend it was someone else holding me. Gage was a good dancer, and he was cute enough, he just wasn’t the one I wanted pressed up against me. I folded my arms around his neck and forced my thoughts to concentrate on the music. But every time Gage’s hand traveled up my back, every slow caress of his hands had me on the brink of tears. Brad’s face was all I saw; his touch was the one my body craved. How did it get to this point? When did I allow him to slip through the cracks?