Junie B., First Grader

by Barbara Park

  The boy sucked his cheeks into his head.

  “I'm a fisherman, you clown,” he said.

  Fishermen have an attitude, apparently.

  That's how come I decided to scare the pants off that guy.

  I did a creepy clown grin.

  Then I stood on my tallest tippytoes.

  And I screamed right in his face.

  “AAAAA! AAAAA! AAAAA!” I screamed.

  Just then, grouchy Mrs. Morty opened the front door. And she quick held her ears.

  “JUNIE B. JONES! MY WORD! STOP ALL THAT RACKET!”

  I stopped my racket.

  “Yeah, only I'm not actually Junie B. Jones,” I explained. “I am Screamy the Clown. And Screamy the Clown can scare the pants off people.”

  The fisherman boy rolled his eyes again. “I don't even know this clown,” he said.

  I tapped on grouchy Mrs. Morty's arm.

  “Trick-or-treat. Trick-or-treat. Give me something good to eat,” I sang very amusing.

  Grouchy Mrs. Morty picked up a big bowl. And she gave us each an apple.

  It plopped very hard in the bottom of my bag.

  I stared down at that thing.

  “Okey-doke … here is the problem, Mrs. Morty. I already have apples at my house,” I said.

  I did a little frown.

  “Also, I didn't say trick-or-fruit,” I said.

  The fisherman boy laughed real loud.

  Then he leaned over next to me.

  And he dropped his apple down my clown pants. And he quick ran off the porch.

  I stood there very shocked.

  “Okay. That is not actually acceptable,” I said kind of mumbly.

  Just then, Mother came up the steps with Ollie the Cow.

  Mrs. Morty's face got nicer.

  She patted Ollie's cow head. And she gave him a Rice Krispies Treat.

  I looked curious at that woman.

  “Okay, see … I didn't actually know that Rice Krispies Treats were available,” I said. “And so I would like to trade in these apples, please.”

  I reached into my bag and my clown pants. And I tried to give the apples back.

  But grouchy Mrs. Morty did a grump face.

  “I only made Treats for little ones,” she said.

  After that, she patted Ollie again. And she closed the door.

  Mother stared at me.

  “My … that went well. It's only the first house, and you've already had an apple dropped down your pants,” she said.

  She did a big breath. “And not only that, but you didn't even thank her for the apples, Junie B.”

  I thought a second. “But I'm not thankful for the apples,” I said.

  Mother rolled her eyes. “It doesn't matter,” she said. “When someone gives you a gift, you always, always, always say thank you.”

  I scratched my head at that interesting news.

  “Really? No kidding?” I said.

  Thank you can be a fib, apparently.

  Who knew?

  7

  Dumb Cinderella

  After we left grouchy Mrs. Morty's, we went to the rest of the houses on our street.

  I got raisins. And a pencil. And a box of trail mix.

  I said thank you to all of those people.

  “This is the fibbingest day of my life,” I told Mother.

  At the end of the block, we turned the corner.

  Then wowie wow wow!

  I saw two trick-or-treater girls coming my way!

  It was Cinderella and her Fairy Godmother!

  I just couldn't resist myself, I tell you!

  I made scary claws with my fingers! And I raised my arms in the air!

  Then I ran at those two like a whiz!

  “AAAAA! AAAAA!” I screeched. “I'M SCREAMY THE CLOWN! I'M SCREAMY THE CLOWN!”

  They stopped very fast and watched me with their eyes.

  I ran all around them in a scary circle.

  “AAAAA! AAAAA! AAAAA!” I screamed.

  Then finally, I got dizzy. And I stopped to take a breather.

  While I breathed, I made a scary clown face.

  “GRR!” I said. “GRR! GRR! GRR!”

  Cinderella looked at the Fairy Godmother.

  “Do clowns say grr?” she asked.

  The Fairy Godmother shrugged her shoulders. “What did she say her name was again?”

  Cinderella thought for a second.

  “Creamy,” she said. “I think she said Creamy the Clown.”

  I stamped my foot.

  “Not Creamy … Screamy!” I hollered. “I'm Screamy the Clown. And I can scare the pants off you!”

  Then I made more claws. And I jumped up and down very frightening.

  “BOO!” I shouted. “BOO … and I MEAN it!”

  They looked at each other and did more shrugs.

  Cinderella started walking again.

  “Sorry, Creamy. But you're just not scary,” she said.

  The Fairy Godmother nodded. “You're making a fool out of yourself, sister,” she said.

  Then she bonked me on the head with her wand. And she started walking, too.

  I stood there real glum.

  Pretty soon, Mother and Ollie caught up with me.

  Mother said I am acting like a lunatic. And I have to stay with her and Ollie.

  Then she held my s'penders so I couldn't run away anymore.

  My shoulders slumped very much.

  “Yeah, only why would I even run away again?” I said. “'Cause I can't scare a flea, I tell you.”

  I glanced down at my big, fat pants.

  “I look like a clown in this getup,” I said real embarrassed.

  I did not feel brave anymore.

  Finally, Mother let go of my s'penders and she held my hand.

  I walked real slow and nervous. And I looked for monsters in the dark.

  Also, I swatted at the air over my head. Or else a bat might land in my clown wig.

  Mother kept on pulling me.

  “Come on, Junie B. Move your feet,” she said.

  Just then, I heard voices behind me.

  I quick spun around.

  And OH NO! OH NO!

  IT WAS A WITCH! A witch was behind me on the sidewalk! And she was walking with a skeleton guy!

  I quick yanked my hand away from Mother! And I dived behind a bush!

  “SCATTER, PEOPLE! SCATTER!” I yelled.

  “Junie B.! Come back!” called Mother.

  My heart pounded and pounded. But I did not go back.

  Instead, I crouched into a teensy clown ball. And I peeked through the bush branches.

  The witch was wearing a pointy black witch hat. And a long black witch dress.

  She passed Mother on the sidewalk.

  “Hello,” said Mother.

  “MOO!” said Ollie.

  The witch laughed at him.

  “I think he means boo,” she said to the skeleton.

  Then both of them laughed some more.

  And they kept on walking.

  I flopped on my back very relieved.

  “Whew,” I said. “That was a close one.”

  Then I wiped my nervous head. And I tried to calm my breathing.

  Only too bad for me. 'Cause—all of a sudden—Mother came running around the bush.

  And she got me by my s'penders again. And this time … she didn't let go.

  8

  Candy

  After I finished writing, I pulled off my clown nose. And I did a breath of fresh air.

  “I am glad that night is over,” I said real relieved.

  Just then, Grampa Miller came in my room to say goodbye.

  He and Grandma were going to the airport to pick up my daddy from his business trip.

  Only bad news. 'Cause Daddy wouldn't be home till after I was asleep. So I couldn't even see him till morning.

  I hugged Grampa very tight. And I gave him my trail mix to eat in the car.

  Frank Miller will eat anything.

>   Mother was giving Ollie a bath.

  I dumped my Halloween bag out on my bed. And I lined up my stuffed animals to look at it.

  Whoa, said my Raggedy Andy named Larry. You got a million candy bars, almost.

  Yes, said my Raggedy Ann named Ruth. Too bad about the dumb apples and raisins. But the rest of it looks good.

  “I know,” I said. “Mother took Ollie and me on four entire streets. It was very scary. But I made a good haul.”

  Philip looked at me kind of surprised. It was scary? he asked. How come it was scary? I thought you were being Screamy.

  I sighed very tired.

  “Yeah, only nobody was afraid of Screamy,” I said. “Not even a fisherman or dumb Cinderella or her crazy old Fairy Godmother.”

  After that, all of my stuffed animals hopped in my lap. And we did a group hug.

  Don't worry, said Philip Johnny Bob. You will be braver next year, I bet.

  I nodded. “Yes,” I said. “Next year I will be a cow.”

  After that, I started to count my candy.

  Philip did a gasp.

  Peanuts? he said. Is that peanuts I see?

  I did a giggle.

  Then I opened up the peanuts. And I put one in Philip's trunk.

  It fell out again.

  Shoot, said Philip.

  I tried two more times. Then I took him to my desk. And I taped the peanut in there.

  Mmm, he said. Delicious.

  After that, I gave a peanut to Larry and Ruth and Teddy. And I ate the rest myself. Also, I ate a gummy worm. And I chewed my pack of sugarless gum.

  After a while, Mother called to me from Ollie's room.

  “Junie B., did you wash your face and take off your costume yet? It's really late, honey. You've got to get to bed.”

  I shut my door very quiet. 'Cause I was too sleepy to wash my face, that's why.

  I quick took off my clown pants. And I crawled under my covers.

  “I'm already in bed, Mother!” I called back.

  I yawned very sleepy.

  “I'm going to sleep now, okay? See you in the morning!”

  Then I turned out my light. And I pulled the sheet way over my head so Mother wouldn't see that I didn't wash my face.

  My eyes felt heavy and pooped.

  I did another yawn.

  Then I went right to sleep.

  And I dreamed I was a cow.

  9

  Welcome Home!

  In the middle of my dream, I thought I heard my door open.

  I opened my sleepy eyes a teeny bit.

  “Junie B.?” whispered a voice.

  It was still dark in my room.

  I rolled over to see who was talking.

  Then, all of a sudden, the voice yelled real loud.

  “AAAH!” it said.

  I sat straight up!

  My heart pounded and pounded.

  Someone was standing next to my bed!

  I squinted to see who it was. And guess what? I think it was my daddy! He was standing in the dark!

  And his hand was over his mouth!

  And he was looking at my scary clown face.

  “Daddy?” I whispered. “Is that you?”

  “Junie B.? Is that you?” Daddy whispered back.

  He turned on my light.

  “Oh my gosh!” he said. “No wonder you startled me. You still have your makeup on!”

  Just then, Mother came hurrying into my room.

  “Junie B. Jones, I told you to wash that clown makeup off,” she said. “You could have scared your poor daddy to death.”

  Daddy was patting his heart with his hand.

  “Sorry, Daddy. Sorry I scared you,” I said. “Sorry, sorry, sorry.”

  After that, I sat there for a second.

  Then my mouth did a little grin.

  “Did I really scare you, Daddy? Huh? Did I? You're not just saying that, are you? I really, really scared you … right?”

  Mother looked annoyed at me.

  “My goodness, Junie B. I've never seen anyone who is so thrilled about scaring people. It's not a very nice thing to do, you know.”

  She quick grabbed a tissue and tried to wipe my clown face off.

  “Great,” she said. “All this does is make you smudgy.”

  I giggled at that funny word.

  Then I peeked around her at Daddy.

  “Boo! I'm Smudgy!” I said. “I'm Smudgy the Clown!”

  Daddy raised up his eyebrows.

  “Oh, you are, are you?” he said.

  Then he quick plopped on my bed. And we tickled each other very silly.

  After we got done, we hugged and hugged very much. 'Cause I missed that guy, I tell you!

  I showed Daddy all my Halloween stuff.

  “If it wasn't for those dumb apples and raisins, I'd have a hundred percent candy now,” I explained.

  And so wait till you hear this!

  Daddy said he would eat my raisins!

  And Mother said she would eat my apples!

  And so now my candy is one hundred percent perfect!

  Finally, Mother put all my candy bars back in my bag. And she washed my face with a washcloth.

  Then she and Daddy tucked me back into bed. And they closed my door.

  Only here is the bestest thing of all.

  'Cause as soon as Mother was gone, Daddy quick opened my door again. And he whispered a quiet secret.

  “Psst,” he said real soft. “You scared the pants off me, Junie B. Jones.”

  I giggled at that nice compliment.

  Then I hugged Philip Johnny Bob real happy.

  And I smiled myself to sleep.

  BARBARA PARK is one of today's funniest, most popular authors. Her middle-grade novels, which include Skinnybones, The Kid in the Red Jacket, My Mother Got Married (And Other Disasters), and Mick Harte Was Here, have won over forty children's book awards. Barbara holds a B.S. in education from the University of Alabama. She has two grown sons and lives with her husband, Richard, in Arizona.

  DENISE BRUNKUS'S entertaining illustrations have appeared in over fifty books. She lives in New Jersey with her husband and daughter.

  Text copyright © 2004 by Barbara Park.

  Illustrations copyright © 2004 by Denise Brunkus.

  www.randomhouse.com/junieb

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  Park, Barbara.

  Junie B., first grader: boo … and I mean it! / by Barbara Park;

  p. cm. “A Stepping Stone Book.”

  (Junie B. Jones; #24)

  eISBN: 978-0-307-55713-1

  v3.0