I snort a laugh. “I didn’t even realize I was playing.”
He pauses and looks at me dumbfounded by what I just admitted. “But… how?”
“I was just thinking about my greatest muse.” I shrug, then begin to play the first song I ever wrote for Lil.
Brix smiles big and starts to laugh. “Now that one I know. I’ve heard you play that a million times.”
“Still one of my favorite songs to play. Hell, probably one of my favorites I’ve written too.”
He stops his strumming and looks at me. “You two are meant to be together. I’m not a romantic or anything, but anyone with eyes can see that the two of you are a destiny.”
20
Lily
“This is me,” I say, stopping in front of my apartment door and pulling my keys from my purse with shaky hands. Luka places his hand over mine to calm me.
“Are you sure you’re okay, Lily?” It’s the first time he’s said my name. I guess that’s good. He remembers my name at least.
My shoulders slump and I drop my forehead to rest on the door, closing my eyes. “I have a son.”
“What?”
My head still resting on the door, I turn to face him, my eyes pleading for him to understand what I'm trying to tell him. “I have a son. He’s nine months old. His name is Easton.”
“He’s nine months old?” I can see the wheels turning in his mind as he does the math.
“I’m so sorry,” I breath out, squeezing my eyes shut again. I feel his hand stroke the back of my head then.
“Let’s go inside,” he says as he takes the keys from my hand and unlocks the door. I don’t miss the way his breath catches when he opens the door and sees all things baby around my tiny apartment. “Is he here?”
“No. He’s staying with my parents tonight. It’s the first night I’ve left him to go out since he was born,” I say, looking at the ground, playing with the button on my coat.
“Will you look at me please?” he says to me while he closes the distance between us. He lifts my chin to look at him. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there.”
Those are the words that break the dam. I start to cry, hard, and Luka just pulls me into him and holds me while I come completely undone. I cry into his shirt for I don’t know how long, and he just holds me, not saying a word. And it’s exactly what I needed to feel okay. Like I didn’t completely fail our son.
When I finally start to settle my tears, I look up at him. “I’m so sorry.”
He reaches up and wipes the wet tears from my cheeks, kissing me on the forehead.
“You have nothing to be sorry for.”
I slink out of his arms and turn to sit on the couch. Luka follows me, sitting close. I can’t look at him as I tell him the whole truth. “I didn’t know he was yours until he was born. I thought he was someone else’s. But instead of coming out half Italian, he was born with blonde curls,” I laugh lightly, biting my bottom lip. “I didn’t know how to find you. I’m really sorry to put all of this on you right now. I don’t expect anything from you. But seeing you tonight, I had to let you know. Tell you that we have a son.” I finally look up at him to see what I can read from his face. He doesn’t look mad; he looks sad and a bit shocked.
“If I would have known, I would have been there, for all of it. I’m sorry that I wasn’t. I realize we have a lot to talk about and you don’t know me at all, but I’d love to meet him and try to find a way to be part of his life.”
I can feel myself ready to cry again at his words. “I would love that.”
“In the meantime, let’s get to know each other. I’m Luka Grable,” he says with his hand outstretched.
I laugh as I reach my hand out to meet his. “Lily Arnold.”
“It’s a pleasure to make a baby with you, Lily.” I wince at his words. “Too soon?” he asks with a smirk.
“Just a tad,” I say squinting, holding my thumb and index fingers apart an inch.
“Well, let’s see, I’ve got an older brother and sister and one younger sister. My mom is amazing. She raised us on her own after our dad took off when my little sister was born. Which is why I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you. I’ve always promised myself that when I had kids, I would be there 100% and be the best dad I could be. It’s killing me right now that I’ve already missed so much,” he says sincerely, his head falling onto the back of the couch.
“It’s okay. We’ll work it out.”
He swallows hard. “I don’t live in Ohio. I live in New York.”
“Oh.”
He reaches over and tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear. “We’ll figure this out. One step at a time.”
“Ok,” I say, leaning into his touch. “If you live in New York, what in the hell do you come to Ohio for?”
“My buddy, John, from the bar, lives here. John and I went to college together.”
“Went to college? How old are you?” I ask with my nose scrunched.
He laughs. “I’m twenty-five. Why? How old are you?”
“Umm… I don’t think you want to know,” I say, looking away.
“Lily, how old are you?”
“I’m eighteen; I’ll be nineteen in two weeks.”
“Oh fuck…” he breathes out before adding, “but you were at an eighteen and over bar. You were underage?” I just look at him, biting my lip, not sure what to say next. “Well, damn. You had me fooled,” he says, scrubbing his face with his hands.
“I’m so sorry. I have completely made a mess of your life. I never meant…”
“That’s not what I meant,” he says, cutting me off. “I’m a lawyer.”
“Oh shit…”
“Yeah.”
Luka and I talk for hours. He assures me that my age isn’t a factor and we’ll work things out. We talk about our lives, our families, Easton, everything. This stranger who I didn’t know anything about turned out to be an amazing man. Looks like I know how to pick a killer one-night stand.
Luka left around three in the morning. I sent Lola a text to let her know that I was fine and heading to bed. I know she’s going to want all the details, but when she asks me if it went alright and if I was ok, I respond with “better than okay,” and it’s enough to put her at ease.
Luka and I made arrangements for him to come back over the next afternoon to meet Easton, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t nervous about it, but I know that it has to happen.
It’s a little scary and a little bit selfish. I don’t like the idea of having to share Easton. But I’d rather that than him feeling unwanted.
* * *
The next afternoon was like a dream. The overwhelming emotions were dripping off of Luka as he held his son for the first time, squeezing his eyes shut as he hugged him. It was the sweetest thing I’d ever witnessed. I could feel the tears forming in my eyes as I sat and watched in wonder as the bond between father and son was born.
Easton loved him right away, never shying away from him and hamming it up the whole time. Luka played on the floor with him, bounced him on his knee, read him book after book, and was now laying him down for his nap after he helped feed him lunch.
I sat back and watched with a huge grin on my face the whole day. My baby boy had a daddy. One who clearly loved him without even knowing about him. I could not have asked for more from Luka.
“He’s incredible,” I hear Luka say as he walks toward me in the kitchen, where I’m washing dishes from lunch.
Looking over my shoulder, my smile matches Luka’s. “I think so too.”
“Thank you for letting me meet him today. Thank you for everything.” He pauses as I turn off the water and dry my hands. “You’re pretty incredible too. I can’t believe what you’ve done on your own.”
I feel my cheeks blush at his words. “It hasn’t always been easy, but my parents have been wonderful. My friends too,” I say, thinking of Lo and Mitch.
“I’m glad you had people to help since I couldn’t…” he trails off. “Lily, I’m
so sorry. I feel so responsible and guilty,” he adds, scrubbing his hands down his face.
“Why? You had no way of knowing. It’s not like you chose to walk away.” I roll my eyes as I add, “Like the guy who I thought was the dad did,” under my breath.
“Any man who would walk away and not be there for you is a piece of shit. You are better off without him.”
“Well, the difference between you is that he is a selfish boy and you are an amazing man,” I say, meeting his eyes.
“You hardly know me. How do you know I’m amazing?” he asks, looking down at his feet.
“Because you’re here. You never belittled or judged me. And I just watched you with our son for the last three hours. You are amazing,” I say, biting my lip nervously as the air around us changes.
There’s a new energy in the room, and it’s pulling me toward him. He must be feeling it too because he starts to walk toward me, as well, closing the distance between us. He reaches up, putting his palm on the side of my face. The warmth of it makes me close my eyes and lean into his touch with a sigh. It’s been so long since I’ve felt the touch of a man in a loving, caring way. When I open my eyes and meet Luka’s again, I can see the adoration in them. Oh, how I’ve longed for that.
“I should probably go,” he says with a heavy voice as he takes his hand away from my face.
“How long are you in town for?”
“I’m supposed to fly back tomorrow, but I was wondering what you would think of me staying around for another week?” He looks at me with pleading eyes.
“I’d love that. I work this week though.”
“It’s ok. I’ll be here when you’ll let me. I understand if you don’t trust me to stay alone with him while you’re at work. I get it. You don’t really know me.”
“I… It’s not that I don’t trust you…” I stumble over my words, biting my lip again. “Luka, I want you to know Easton. I want you to be a part of his life. I’m just scared,” I finally admit. “I’ve never had to share him,” I add, looking up at him through my lashes.
He laughs at my admission. “Lily, you are his mom and always will be. And from what I can see, a damn good one. I’d never try to overstep or take him away from you in any way. I just want to know him and help where I can. If that’s okay with you?” he asks with both hands on my shoulders.
“Of course.” I smile.
His shoulders relax as he pulls me into a hug. “Thank you,” he breathes into my hair.
* * *
Luka has been amazing. I literally cannot say it enough. He’s been at my place each night the minute I’m home from work. He plays with Easton while I make dinner for us and gives him his bath while I clean up after. In the few days that Luka has been around, we have fallen into a routine like a well-oiled machine without even trying. He picks up where I need his help and backs off when I want to do something myself. We have managed to make our own language with each other without even working for it really.
When we put Easton to bed, he makes me a cup of tea and lets me talk about my day and work, seeming interested even though I know he’s not. He started out only staying for half an hour the first night, working up to the two hours he stayed last night. Our conversations come easy, and we found out we have a lot in common.
Today is Friday, and it’s been a week since he found out about Easton and extended his trip. He’s flying back on Sunday, and I have to admit that I wish he could stay longer.
“Alright, I have to ask. I’ve been trying not to, but I can’t hold it in any longer,” he says with a smirk on his face.
“I’m scared. What?”
“What were you doing at Whitey’s that night? Being underage and all.”
“Oh,” I say, dropping my gaze and my smile.
“I’m… I’m sorry. It’s none of my business. I didn’t mean to pry or judge,” he apologizes, trying to take back his question.
“No. It’s okay,” I say, taking a breath and looking down at my hands in my lap as I sit opposite him on the couch with my legs curled under me. “Well, Lola and I had been going to Whitey’s for over a year at that point, so being there wasn’t new,” I say with a smirk. “But I was going through a rough time. I was just trying to… feel alive again. I’m sorry you were pulled into my messed-up head.”
“Please stop apologizing,” he says, scooting closer to me and grabbing my hand. “Lily, I know I should feel bad about possibly taking advantage of you, but I don’t. Fuck, that’s probably wrong on so many levels.” He leans his head back on the couch and pinches the bridge of his nose.
I squeeze his hand. “You didn’t take advantage. I was a very willing participant,” I say with a chuckle, feeling my cheeks heat. “Besides, I’m pretty sure I’m the one who instigated everything.”
He turns to look at me, sitting up now. “I know we hardly spoke that night. But I felt a connection with you that was beyond anything I’d ever experienced before. I wasn’t lying when I said I’d been trying to find you.” He tucks a piece of my hair behind my ear before going on. “Knowing now that you were seventeen explains why I couldn’t,” he smirks. “And now that I have found you, and knowing we made a beautiful boy, I don’t want to let you go.”
I feel my breath hitch at his words before he leans in and kisses me. It starts soft and slow, but when I lean in and open my mouth as an invitation, he gladly intensifies our kiss. When our tongues touch, butterflies explode in my stomach, and I’ve missed this feeling. I moan into his mouth as he continues to kiss me harder.
He shifts his body to cover mine as he kisses down my neck. I tilt my head back to give him better access, leaving tingles and goosebumps in his wake. My hands are in his hair and on his back while he moves his lips down my neck and chest. I fist his shirt and pull it up and off his body, throwing it behind the couch. As I begin to kiss down his chest, he unbuttons my blouse, and when I sit up to pull my arms free from it, I hear a growl release from his throat.
He works his way down my body as he grabs my wrists and pins them above my head. He is nipping and sucking in all the right spots. It’s been so long since I’ve felt this way and been with a man like this. I’m in such a euphoric state, feeling dizzy, with my body tingling everywhere.
This time with Luka is so vastly different from the last time we were together. Although it’s still heated and intense, he is taking his time with me, savoring every inch of my body.
I whimper at the yearning I have to run my hands over him and feel every inch of his body like he is mine. Bucking my hips, I let him know that I’m ready for more. He looks into my face with a cocky smirk, knowing exactly what he’s doing to me.
He releases his hold on my wrists and slowly grazes his fingers down my body until he reaches the band of my pants. When I start to move my hand down to do the same to him, he reaches up to stop me. “No. I want to make you feel alive. I want this to be all about you,” he says with hooded eyes and a deep voice.
When he moves his hands and finds the button of my pants, I whimper again, wanting to touch him, but I keep my arms raised. His fingers brush along the top of my pants, and it makes me release a moan as I buck my hips again. He fists the sides of my pants and panties, pulling them down together, kissing me at each new inch that’s exposed.
When his lips brush against where I want him most, I feel like I’m going to come undone right then. “Luka,” I moan his name as he puts my foot on his shoulder, giving him better access. The second I feel his mouth on me, I know it’s not going to take long. His mouth and fingers work magic. “Fuck…” I moan as I come around his fingers, dropping my hands to curl my fingers into his hair.
As I come down from my high, he sits back, and I miss his closeness. Reaching down to his pants, I undo his jeans and feel his hard erection. A gasp escapes me as I remember the way he felt that first time. “I want more,” I whisper into his ear as I stroke him.
With hooded eyes, he pushes his jeans down and kicks them to the side as he climbs ba
ck between my open legs. “You are so beautiful,” he says, looking down at me before he kisses me again.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I try to stay in this moment with Luka and not go to the past, hearing Mitch say those very words to me over and over.
“Wait,” I say, putting my hands on his chest. He looks down with a confused expression at my mixed signals. Swallowing down any unease I feel, I smile. “Not that it worked last time, but do you have a condom?”
He laughs in my neck and reaches into his pants for his wallet to find a condom inside. When he sits back on his heels to open the package, I lean up on my elbows to watch him roll on the condom. That, along with him rubbing himself a few times, has my mouth dry as I bite down on my lip.
When he looks up and our lust-filled eyes meet, it’s as if we know exactly what the other is feeling—want, need, lust, longing— it’s all there. He leans forward again, crashing his mouth to mine. I reach down to line him up at my entrance, not wanting to waste any more time. I stroke him one last time before I move my hand and pull him into me with my heels on his ass.
We both swallow one another’s moans as he thrusts in and out, starting slow and building up until it feels as though our lives are hanging in the balance. I feel my own release building again. As soon as I start, I feel him follow.
His body relaxes on top of mine as we lie there in silence, panting. I trace the muscles on his back lightly with my fingers until our breathing evens out, Luka still inside of me. I wish I could lie like this forever. I’ve never felt this level of intimacy and oneness with anyone before. I want this feeling to stay.
* * *
After that night with Luka, we fell into a comfortable routine. He would fly in on the weekends to stay with Easton and me, and in between visits, he would Skype to see what the little man was up to. I was sure to send pictures often. Or if anything ridiculously cute or funny happened, I always let him know right away. Granted, it had only been a few months, but so far things were working and going really well.
Lullaby of Tears Page 14
