As far as things between us, well, they were good. It was strange because I never expected it. I never dreamed he would turn out to be so great. He treated me like a queen when he was here and adored Easton with his whole heart. When we had our weekends, we were a perfect little family.
We both cared a lot about each other, and there was definitely an attraction between us. The sex was always out of this world, but I couldn’t help but still think about Mitch from time to time.
I had read in a magazine that he was dating another popular singer, and I was happy for him. I was glad he had moved on, but it didn’t make it hurt any less. Especially when it was all over the internet and every magazine. Still, I knew it was my doing; I had pushed him away. And I really was happy with where I was in my life, and Luka added to that happiness.
Easton is turning one on Saturday, and I can’t believe it. It feels like just yesterday I was a broken little girl trying everything to feel anything but numb. It’s amazing how much I’ve changed since that night.
I’m halfway through my sophomore year of college, my job is perfect, my son is amazing and Luka is everything I need right now. At nineteen, I feel older than my age but in a good way. I feel content. I feel happy.
21
Lily
Today is Easton’s birthday, and Luka took the day off of work to be here longer with us. I’m making coffee while Luka was chasing a crawling Easton around the living room, their contagious laughter filling the air.
“Lily! Get in here!” Luka shouts, scaring me half to death.
“What? What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, he just took a step!”
“What? I missed it?”
“Just watch,” Luka says as Easton stands at the coffee table with a big grin for his dad. “Come get me, buddy,” Luka says excitedly with his arms outstretched to our son. And just like that, Easton lets go of the table, and with outstretched arms, takes two steps before falling into Luka’s arms.
I clap excitedly. “Oh my goodness! My baby is walking! I have to get my phone to record it.” I run to the bedroom to grab it, and at the same time, I hear a knock on the door. “Can you get it? It’s probably Lo,” I yell from the back of the apartment.
But when I walk back toward the living room, my heart drops when I hear his voice.
Mitch.
I freeze where I’m standing when I see his, now much longer, blonde hair. It’s when I notice he has a wrapped present in his hands that I blink and start to walk again.
“Mitch? What are you doing here?”
“Hello to you too,” he says with a smile, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand that isn’t holding the box.
“I’m sorry.” I blink a little slower this time. “Hi! How are you?” I ask, going to him and wrapping my arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. Hugging Mitch is like a reflex, a habit. I can’t be around him and not hug him and want to feel his warmth.
I hear Luka clear his throat, realizing I’ve been hugging him a little too long, and I pull away from Mitch’s hold. “Mitch, this is Luka. Easton’s father.” The words almost burn my throat as I reveal this truth to Mitch for the first time.
He does well to recover from the shock I just hit him with. He reaches his hand out to Luka. “Nice to meet you. I’m Mitch, Lily’s friend.”
Luka returns his handshake. “You look really familiar,” he says with a confused look, and I know why.
“Yeah, I’m kinda in a band,” Mitch says, rubbing his neck again and looking up at me through his lashes with a smirk. “Rock ‘Em Dead.”
“Wait. What? Really?” Luka asks, surprised.
“Guess I’m your dirty little secret, huh, Lil?” Mitch says, nudging my shoulder.
“Seriously,” I deadpan, making Mitch laugh at my reaction. I turn to face Luka. “Mitch and I used to date.”
“Twice,” Mitch adds, holding up two fingers with a full-on smile.
“Shut. Up,” I grit out.
“Oh, well, sorry. I didn’t know. Lily never mentioned…” Luka trails off.
“Coffee! Who wants coffee? I know I do!” I yell, trying to cut the uncomfortable tension in the room.
“Coffee would be great. Thanks,” Mitch says, walking past us into the living room, making himself comfortable on the couch.
“Make yourself at home,” I mumble hitting him on the back of the head as I walk to the kitchen to get the coffee.
“Hey! What’s that for?” Mitch protests, rubbing the back of his head. I stand there with my hand on my hip and a cocked eyebrow. He knows exactly what it was for.
“So, Mitch, what brings you to town?” Luka asks, putting Easton in his high chair and cutting up a banana for him.
Mitch stands and walks over to the table, sitting down next to Easton instead. “I came to see this dude,” he says, smiling at Easton and rubbing his head.
“Really?” Luka asks surprised. “Why’s that?”
“Well, I was there when he was born. It was important to me to be here for his first birthday, so I made it happen.”
Holy fuckballs… I’m pretty sure my whole heart just exploded in my chest. Mitch’s eyes meet mine and I smile at him, feeling my cheeks burn red, remembering everything. When he smiles back, it’s like we both know we’re sorry for what happened between us. Even if it was all my fault.
“You were there?” Luka’s words tear my gaze away from Mitch when I realize the impact that this is going to have on him. The hurt look on his face says it all.
“Yeah. It was the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen still to this day. And I’ve seen a lot of shit all over the world.”
“Language!” I yell.
“Sorry, guess it’s different now,” he says, smirking at me again, remembering those moments after Easton was born.
Luka just looks back and forth between Mitch and me and then scoffs before walking back to the bedroom.
“I’m sorry. Should I go?” Mitch asks.
“Just give me a minute, okay? Watch East,” I call over my shoulder, walking down the hall to the bedroom.
When I open the door, Luka is sitting on the bed with his head in his hands, elbows resting on his knees. “What the fuck, Lily? What the hell is this? I don’t even know what to think or do right now.”
“I honestly didn’t know he was coming here. I haven’t talked to him in like six months,” I say, dropping onto the bed next to him.
“Do you still have feelings for him?” Luka asks, staring at the floor.
“What? No, I—”
“Because what I’m witnessing…” He cuts me off, then pauses. When he looks at me, the next words cut me with how much I know it hurts him. “He was there? He saw my son coming into this world, held him that first day before I even had a clue.” I see the tears filling his eyes before he lets out a frustrated growl.
“I’m sorry. He was there for me when I didn’t have a lot of people around. We were actually supposed to go on a date that day,” I say, letting out a short laugh. “I thought I still had another month of pregnancy. My doctor had been wrong with my due date, which is part of why I didn’t know he was yours until he was born.” I’m trying to assure him, but know I’m making more of a mess.
“I know I should be happy that you had someone, but right now it is really pissing me off that a fucking rock star was there and I wasn’t.”
“You are being ridiculous,” I laugh, leaning into him.
“I know! I’m twenty-fucking-five, and I’m jealous of my girlfriend’s high school boyfriend,” he says, wrapping his arms around me, kissing me on the head.
“Girlfriend, huh?” I say, looking up into his face.
“Shut up and come here,” he says, moving my body to straddle his lap. “Lily, you mean the world to me. You and Easton. I know it hasn’t been long. I know there is still so much for us to figure out. But I can’t lie about how I feel about you.” He takes my face in his hands and puts one sweet kiss on my lips. “I love you.”
&
nbsp; “I...I... uhh...I need some time,” I stammer, not looking into his face. I don’t want to hurt him any more than I already have today. I get off his lap and turn to leave the room. “Luka, I just need some time, okay?”
“Take all the time you need. I’m not going anywhere.”
I walk back into the kitchen and see Mitch attempting to play patty-cake with Easton. He looks up when he sees me walking down the hall toward them. “Everything okay?”
“Yeah.” I smile.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know he’d be here. I didn’t mean to make a mess of things.”
“It’s okay, Mitch. But can we meet for coffee or something another day? Are you in town long?”
“I leave tomorrow. I made the trip just for today,” he says, looking back at Easton with a sad smile.
“I’m sorry.” I say the words that I should have said to him a long time ago. Tears fill my eyes as I stare at him. This boy who’s turning into a man, who holds a piece of my heart that I’ll never get back. That I don’t want back.
“Lily. Don’t. Not right now,” he says, putting a hand up. “My flight leaves at eleven tomorrow morning. Maybe we could meet before my flight?”
“I’ll make it work.”
He stands to leave. “I’ll leave you to your day then. Happy Birthday, Easton,” he says as he leans down and puts a kiss on top of Easton’s head. I don’t miss the way his eyes squeeze shut and his lips linger a little on his head of curls.
“Thanks for coming. It was really sweet of you,” I say, walking him to the door.
“I wouldn’t have missed it for anything, Lil,” he says, kissing me on the forehead.
Mitch leaves with the promise that I’ll meet him in the morning before he leaves again to rejoin his tour.
Luka and I carry on our day like we had planned. Neither one of us says another word about Mitch or the three loaded words that he said to me that morning. We play with our son, eat cake with friends and family, and carry on like a normal little family. Except we are far from a normal family.
My head has been buzzing the whole day. I felt all these unresolved feelings come to the surface when I saw Mitch and feel so guilty about it. Truth is, if Luka had told me he loved me the day before, I probably would have said it back without missing a beat. But now, I was questioning everything.
When I get a minute alone with Lo, I fill her in on my morning.
“Holy shit!” she yells.
“Shhhh! Keep your voice down!”
“I can’t believe Mitch came to see you after all this time. I can’t believe Luka loves you. Sweet baby Jesus, Lily, it’s like Sophie’s Choice.”
“Will you please keep your voice down?” I whisper-yell, pulling her into the hall bathroom of my parents’ house, farther away from everyone.
“What are you going to do?”
“Lola, I have no idea.”
“I’m glad I’m not you right now,” she sniggers.
“Oh, thank you so much for being so incredibly helpful,” I deadpan.
“Sorry. But seriously…how are you going to choose?”
“I don’t know,” I fake-cry.
“Do you love him?”
“Who?”
“Well, shit, if you don’t even know which one I’m talking about, there’s your answer,” she says, hitting me on the arm. “The one who said it to you, you dildo!”
“I thought I was over Mitch. Then, he showed up, and all these feelings came rolling back in. I really thought I was falling in love with Luka, but now I’m so confused. My head feels like it’s going to explode.”
“You know I love Mitch. But Luka has been awesome. He has been so good to you and for you. Regardless, he’ll always be in your life with Easton. So, you have to make a choice that you can live with for the rest of your life.”
“No pressure or anything,” I mutter under my breath.
“Just don’t rush into an answer with either of them. Take your time.”
“Yeah. Okay. Thanks, Lo.”
“Call me Dr. Lo,” she says, making me laugh.
* * *
After a sleepless night of tossing and turning in bed next to Luka, I finally gave in around five to get ready to meet Mitch. I showered and dressed, trying to calm my nerves the whole time, second-guessing everything in my head as I pulled up to the coffee shop.
Walking toward the door, I could see Mitch sitting there with a beanie on his head and his shaggy, long blonde hair falling out from under it. He looked so relaxed. Was I making more of this than what it was? I mean, he does have an equally famous girlfriend, right? I take a deep cleansing breath as I open the door. When the bell chimes, he looks up at me with a big smile, lighting up his whole face. And I die a little.
He stands, wrapping me in a tight hug when I walk to his table in the corner. “I missed you so much,” he breathes into my hair. His words make me choke on a sob as I squeeze him back tightly.
When he lets go of me, he continues to hold my hand as we sit down. With his other hand, he brushes a falling tear away with his thumb, like he’s done so many times before. I close my eyes, releasing a breath I didn’t know I was holding, and feel as if a huge weight was lifted at that moment. “I missed you too,” I say, slowly opening my eyes. “I’m so sorry, Mitch. For so much. For everything.”
“Lil, it’s okay. Yeah, it sucked. A lot. But you did what you needed to at the time. I can see it was for the best,” he says with a small grin.
“Yeah, I guess.” I breathe out heavily, sitting back in my chair, making his hand fall from my face.
“So, are you with him, with him?” he asks, looking at our connected hands.
“Jumping right in, are we?” I say with a crooked smile.
He chokes out a laugh. “I’m sorry. I was just... just really surprised. That’s all.”
“You and me both,” I say with a sideways look.
He squeezes my hand with a smile. “I guess I should have called. But last time I tried, you didn’t answer.”
“I deserve that,” I say, nodding my head. “How’s your girlfriend?”
“Smooth, Lil,” he says, letting go of my hand and leaning back in his own chair, crossing his tattooed arms over his chest.
“Sorry,” I sigh, biting my bottom lip.
“It’s just for show,” he says after a long pause.
“What?” I ask with my brows pinched together in confusion.
“My ‘relationship’ with Maggie”— putting air quotes around the word ‘relationship’—“is just for show. It isn’t real. It’s publicity,” he says, rolling his eyes in annoyance.
“Oh. I didn’t know.”
“Yeah, that’s kinda the point, Lil. No one does.” He rubs the back of his neck like he always does when he’s nervous. “So, my turn. Are you and Luka together?”
“Kind of... Yes... I don’t know,” I say, letting out another big breath.
“Wow, that cleared things up,” he laughs.
“He has only been around for about three months. It was a fluke that we found each other. He’s been amazing with Easton though, loves him a lot. But it’s complicated. He’s a lawyer in New York, flies in every weekend to see him.”
“To see you,” he amends. “He flies in to see you, you mean.”
“No.” I roll my eyes annoyed. “He flies in to spend time with his son.”
“But he stays in your bed, right?”
“That’s none of your business,” I scoff, surprised that he would talk that way to me.
“You’re right, I’m sorry. That was out of line,” he says, leaning his head into his hands. “I just didn’t expect to see another guy at your place, in his pajamas, when I got there.”
“I know.”
When he looks back up at me, I see the searing pain in his deep blue eyes, and it cuts me to my core. “Lily, I miss you so much. I feel like I can’t breathe when you aren’t around,” he says, clutching his fist to his heart.
“Mitch…” I whisper
his name, not ready to hear any more, and close my eyes again.
“The band is staying put in one place for the next month to record and have a much-needed break. I came to see if you and Easton would stay with me.”
“Mitch, I… I… I can’t. I have school and work. I can’t take East away from his home, or Luka, like that. It wouldn’t be fair.”
“Yeah,” he says, dropping his head in defeat. “I figured as much, but I had to try, I guess.”
“I’m so sorry, Mitch, for hurting you. Again.”
“No sweat, Lil. I’ll be fine.” With that, he stands, throwing down cash on the table to pay our bill and turning to walk away. “For the record”—he pauses and turns back to look at me— “I would never try to take over Luka’s place in Easton’s life. I just want to have a part of it. Be a part of yours too.” His hand cups my cheek, and he smiles before pressing the softest kiss to my lips. “Goodbye, Lily.”
The second the car door closes, I break down, sobbing into my hands for I don’t know how long. Much like the last time I told Mitch I was letting him go. But this time, he’s letting me go. He is letting me move on with my life, without him being a part of it. I know that this time I have to really, truly let him go and move on. It is the only way either of us can be happy and find the right person, with the right timing, for our lives.
Mitch
Well, that could have gone better. But what the hell did I expect, showing up at her place after months without a word? Not to be greeted by some dude that looks like Ryan Phillippe, that’s for damn sure.
This is what, the third time that Lily and I have done this song and dance? Our timing is never right, making our dance look more like Chandler Bing’s moves instead of Ross and Monica’s routine for New Year’s Eve.
But, fuck, it doesn’t hurt any less this time. Third time’s a charm unless you’re Mitch and Lily. Kiss my ass, Universe, you aren’t funny anymore.
Lullaby of Tears Page 15
