"It looks gross to me but whatever floats your boat."
"You're missing out. Now I have everything I need. Please tell me you're all having cocktails with me. I'm not going to drink alone."
"Of course I wouldn't let you drink alone."
"I'm telling you, this, with orange liqueur, and lemon is the best."
"I'll have to take your word on that."
"Does rum and coke count as a cocktail?"
"Luke you philistine."
Zoe and Corey came through the door carrying groceries.
"We picked up some great stuff today. There was this little convenience store that had all sorts." Zoe stuffed her bag into Olivia's arms.
Olivia rummaged through the bag. "Thanks guys."
Corey placed his bags on the table and took Zoe's hand. "You coming upstairs?"
"See you in a bit?" Zoe posed it like a question, as if she was looking for approval.
"Yeah, see ya." Olivia watched as they hurried upstairs and then turned to Luke. "Are they banging like rabbits again?"
"Undoubtedly." Dana interrupted as she walked past them to the kitchen. "I'm making some food. You want anything?"
"No. I'm good." Olivia called.
"I can't believe Zoe. Does she have no self respect," said Luke.
"What do you mean?"
"Just all over him like that. I bet she wouldn't be interested if he wasn't famous."
"Are you serious right now?"
"Uh, yeah."
"What about him? Does he have no self respect because he wants to bang her? No, it's just another bullshit double standard. What does it even have to do with respect, anyway? If someone wants to have sex with another consenting adult and they're safe about it, I don't see what the fuck that has to do with anyone else. What if both parties just want to have fun and enjoy themselves... you know what?" She took a deep breath. "Forget what I'm saying. It's my birthday and I just want to have a nice time and drink some damned cocktails." She poured a drink, her hands still shaking slightly.
Luke checked his digital watch. "You're a Virgo."
"Yeah, I'm just on the cusp. Not that I believe in any of that."
"I believe in anything these days." Luke rummaged in his grocery bag. "I also got you these." There was a clinking sound as he pulled a box from the bag.
"Oh my god." She started to well up. "Cocktail glasses. You know I love drinking from fancy glasses. It's the best inadvertent birthday present ever." She wrapped her arms around him in a tight bear hug.
Olivia took her drink out onto the back patio and looked out over the garden. The swing set swayed ever so slightly as the wind picked up and the grass swept back in waves. Humidity made the air thick, like she could reach out and grab it in her hands. She tried to light her cigarette, but the lighter wouldn't work. She held it up against the sun to see it was still full of gas. Instead, she lit a match, but it fizzled out instantly as if there wasn't enough oxygen to sustain the flame. The hairs on hers arms prickled, and she decided to go back inside.
Two shots sat on the kitchen counter and Luke was propped up on a chair, waiting for her. "Are you ready to get wasted?"
"More than ever." She downed her shot and grimaced. "Another."
"Whatever the birthday girl wishes."
A moan came from upstairs, and a repeated banging sound emanated from the ceiling.
"Let's ignore that shall we." Luke poured another shot. "Where is Michael?"
"I think he went to the bedroom. He's been sleeping a lot these days."
Olivia felt a tide of nausea rise within her, and she ran to the trash can. Wrenching contractions gripped her stomach, forcing out her breakfast and burning alcohol through her esophagus. "Oh god." She gasped.
"Maybe it was a bit early to start drinking." Luke pushed the bottle of liquor aside, approached her, and put a hand on her back.
"I feel okay now. That was weird." She took a moment to see if it had passed and all of a sudden she had to work just to keep her eyes open. "I think I need to lie down."
"Hope you feel better soon. You need anything."
"No, thanks though." She traipsed to the bedroom, dragging along her weary body.
***
The bedroom was empty when she stepped inside. Through the bedroom window she could see Michael outside in the garden, lying on the grass. It was her birthday, so she had decided drinking at midday and changing into her pyjamas was totally acceptable. As she changed, she rubbed under her bra strap, wondering how she had put so much weight on as her breasts seemed to be spilling out over the top. As she made a mental note to pick up some new underwear, a terrifying thought occurred to her, and she rushed to the bathroom.
The cabinets were full of stuff: Pills, deodorant, dental-floss, razors, and there it was, a pregnancy test. Luckily, the alcohol meant she had no problem peeing. She sat on the toilet and unwrapped the test. Her hands trembled a little as she tried to hold the test in her urine stream. She finished up, put the cap on the test and laid it down on the side of the bath. Two minutes. In two minutes she could relax or panic. For two minutes that stupid little window into the future taunted her. She took a deep breath and prepared herself. Two lines. Shit. That little line that ruined everything. She still felt nauseated, probably a combination of morning sickness, alcohol, and sheer panic.
She never wanted children. There were superficial reasons like her body being ruined, the pain of labor and loss of sleep. Then there was the jealousy. Why wasn't she allowed to scream her head off in public places? There were many times she had wanted to, but as an adult this was not endearing. This was the type of behavior that would get you arrested. She didn't understand the obsession people had with babies. They were shrill and couldn't hold a conversation. Then there was the pity. They had their whole lives ahead of them; poor things. So much hardship and awkwardness ahead. Who knew what horrors lay ahead of them? It used to be things like climate change, or being kept artificially alive for years, drooling and degrading. Never allowed a legal or socially acceptable way out. It was a future she had wanted no part in, but the future looked even worse now. A future without running water, electricity, or proper medical care.
Someone banged on the door. "I need to go."
"Just a minute." She shoved the test in her jean pocket and poured water from a large plastic bottle into the toilet bowl.
THE CALM BEFORE THE STORM
Wind whistled as it blew through a gap in the door, and Olivia let the sound wash over her. She watched Michael as he lay on the couch, listening to music through a pair of headphones. She tried to gauge the look on his face and couldn't decide if it was boredom, depression, lethargy or all three. It probably had something to do with having someone stabbing at his pre-frontal cortex. All she wanted to do was go over there and hold him, but her touch seemed to upset him now.
"Michael." Her voice punctured the stillness of the room.
"What?" He took the headphones out of his ears.
"I'm pregnant," she blurted it out and let the words hang in the air.
"Oh." His expression was a blank canvas.
"I need to do something about it."
"Like what?" His voice was emotionless.
"I don't know. I don't know what to do." She tried to keep her voice flat like his. For a reason that she could not place, she didn't want him to know how she was feeling.
"I don't know. Maybe Zoe or Dana could help you."
"I'm going for a walk." She grabbed her sweater from the back of her chair and headed for the front door.
***
A warm wind blew across Olivia's face, sweeping her hair back as she walked in the direction of the sea. She had been cooped up far too long and needed to clear her head. There was something about this place that didn't want them to leave, but now it was time, it felt inevitable.
Zoe and Corey were in their own little romantic bubble. Luke and Michael disappeared into themselves, rarely leaving the couch. Olivia was convinced Dana was nesting
for some non-existent baby. Every time they would go out for supplies, she would come back with something else for the house. A new cushion, or even a lamp. A LAMP! It's not like they had electricity.
Part of Olivia was terrified about going to Los Angeles in case no one was there. Then she would have to face the truth and rethink everything. If that did happen she would just drive from one large American city to the next hoping for something, or someone. The monotony of not having electricity was grating on her. There were only so many walks she could go on. It had been fun in the beginning, an adventure, now it was just depressing.
The wooden boards of the pier creaked under her shoes as she walked towards the end, running her hand along the rough railing. She looked back at the mountains behind her. Mountains had always meant something to her. She never even seen a mountain until she turned 19 and decided to travel the world. To see their towering white peaks was unforgettable. To her, there was something spiritual about them. The way they would make her feel, even though all they were was rock. There was no magic to it, yet still she would always feel humbled in their presence. As she turned back towards the ocean, she could make out a person right at the end of the pier. She stopped and stood, watching the sullen hunched figure.
His back was turned, so she crept along the pier. He was so still, as if waiting for something that would never come. After she watched him for a minute, she felt safe enough to approach him, but before she could, he held a gun up to the side of his head.
"Stop." She ran towards him against her better judgement.
The man turned around. His skin wrinkled and weathered. "Who are you," he asked softly, not seeming surprised by her presence.
"I'm Olivia. Me and my friends are stuck here, and everybody has gone."
"My wife has gone." He turned back towards the sea.
"I'm sorry." She shuffled closer, looking down at the sea between the gaps in the blanks of wood. It was rougher today than she had ever seen it.
"Don't be. It's my fault. I left something on the floor, near the top of the stairs. She had always told me not to do that, and I never listened."
"Did she fall?"
"I called the ambulance. The blood was everywhere. She hit her head. You see." His voice wavered.
"Why don't you out that gun down and come meet my friends."
"You don't want an old man like me cramping your style."
"Don't be silly. You have to come." Her heart broke for him. He looked so defeated. The lifeless way he slumped reminded her of those days she could barely get out of bed, even to go to the bathroom.
He thought about it for an inordinately long time. "Okay. I can meet you and your friends."
"Do you want me to drive? How did you get here?"
"I just walked from my house. It's not far, you see."
"Well, I can drop you back whenever you're ready. Unless you want to stay, of course."
She patiently walked him to her car and listened to him talk about his home and his wife. The cane tapped against the floor with every step he took.
"My name is Arthur," he said.
"I'm so sorry I forgot to ask your name. My people skills aren't the best these days."
"That's a nice accent you have there."
"Thank you. I just came over from England for a holiday."
"So, you're a long way from home."
"Yes, I am." She tried not to think about it. "Okay let's get you in." She opened the car door for him and waited for him to lower himself into the seat before she closed the door.
"Don't worry, it's not far from here." Olivia started the engine.
***
Once the car was parked, Olivia got out and helped Albert to the house. Before she could knock, Dana opened the front door.
"Where were you... and who's this?"
"This is Albert. I found him at the pier."
Dana looked taken aback at first, but her eyes softened. "Hi Albert. Come in." She moved aside to let them in. "I can light up the gas stove if you want a coffee?"
"That would be amazing if you could, thanks Dana," said Olivia. "Do you want one?" She asked Arthur.
"Oh no dear. I'm fine, thank you."
"So, how long have you lived in Ventura?"
"All my life."
"I was planning on going to Los Angeles tomorrow."
"Would you do something for me?"
"Sure, what do you need?"
"My son lives in LA. If he is there, I just need to know."
"I can take you if you like. You can see him yourself."
"I don't think he will be there anyway, and even if he was, he wouldn't want to see me."
"I'm sure that's not true. You have to try."
Olivia managed to get him to agree to come. She couldn't stand the thought of him alone.
***
"Michael." She found him lying on the bed.
"Yeah."
"I'm going to LA tomorrow. I can't stand it here anymore."
"Okay. What time?"
"Early."
"I'll pack a bag then." His lips turned up at the end, imitating a smile, but there was nothing behind his eyes.
"Oh, and Albert's coming."
"Okay." He answered, clearly not having heard what she had just said. Olivia sighed. Her words just flew over his head. There was no way of getting to him. The worst part was it wasn't even his fault. There was no one around to get mad at, so she just had to accept the situation. She wondered if he was gone forever. Just a mass of skin, bones and nerve endings, doomed to spend the rest of eternity tending to basic human functions and not much else. Not that she believed in souls before this, but if he ever had one, it was gone now. Maybe it went somewhere else for a while, or maybe it was irrevocably destroyed, but she suspected the latter.
***
"We are all going to L.A. tomorrow. I think we just need to do what we were supposed to be doing in the first place. You in?" Olivia asked Luke. She desperately needed him to come.
"That makes sense. Listen, are you all right? You don't seem like yourself."
"Not exactly." She wished he hadn't asked as she could feel her facade cracking. Her face scrunched up into the ugly kind of cry she never wanted anyone to see.
"Hey. Don't cry." He embraced her fully, and she sank into it, and the further she sank, the more she cried.
"I'm going to ask you something." Olivia pulled away.
"You can ask me anything."
"It's pretty fucked up. I know you're going to say no, but I have to ask."
"Just ask me."
"Someone told me you attended medical school. Is that true? How much did you take in from then?"
"I did two years."
"How come you dropped out?"
"Don't ask. Is something wrong, like medically?"
"You could say that."
"Now it goes without saying if you do this I would owe you big time. Like seriously."
"Just spit it out."
"I need an abortion."
"Oh." He stood there in shock.
"Forget it. Sorry. Just pretend I didn't ask. Can we go back five minutes?"
"I'm glad you told me. Does Michael know?"
"Yeah. He didn't have much to say."
"I'm sorry."
"So will you do it? Do you even know how?"
"In theory, it's pretty simple."
"I feel so wrong asking you, but I'm really scared."
"Can I just have some time to think about it?"
"Of course. Thank you for even considering it."
"You know depending on how far along you are it may be that you can just take two lots of pills. Simple. We just need to find a clinic. Whatever you do, don't tell Dana though."
"No way would I tell her. How will I get those drugs though, without her finding out?"
"We could say we need to get you some birth control or something. Or that I have an STD."
She burst out laughing. "Yeah, that is one way, I guess. Thank you so much, for eve
rything." She hugged him again.
"Why don't we cook something. Albert looks like he is wasting away. Poor thing."
"Don't take this the wrong way or anything, but why are you being so nice?"
"Because I'm tired of being angry." He squeezed her hand and got up to go to the kitchen.
SECRETS
"Do you think she bought it?" Olivia asked.
"I don't know, but she's staying in the car at least." Luke replied.
They walked up towards the entrance and she stepped around a single placard lying on the floor, but didn't care to read whatever message was printed on it.
The reception was empty except for a couple of handbags on the floor of the waiting room. She briefly wondered about the people they had belonged to.
"Do you know where they would keep it?"
"Probably in the medical suites." Luke pushed open the heavy main door that led to an examination room.
They rifled through the cabinets, pushing aside various medical supplies. "Not this one." He moved to a cupboard on the other side of the room.
"What is it called again?"
"Got it." He turned around and presented her with two boxes. "The first one blocks progesterone, the second one makes the womb contract. You need to take the second one 48 hours after the first."
"Is there anymore? Just in case it doesn't work."
"Good idea, it might make you nauseous." He grabbed two more boxes and passed them to her.
Olivia pulled the foil out of the box and pushed out the tablets into her hand.
"Remember, you put them under your tongue and wait for them to dissolve."
"Here goes nothing." She put it in her mouth and waited.
"You shouldn't be driving after that, so I'll take over. You might get cramps at this stage."
"So do you think there will be anything in Los Angeles?" She mumbled, trying to talk without dislodging the pills.
"I really don't know. I hope so."
***
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