Matching Wits with Venus

by Therese Gilardi

  To her left Ops, Pomona and Prosperina were dipping the thick crusty bread their Italian ancestors had perfected into oil made from olives grown at Mercury’s grove in Calabria, next to his holiday house.

  Farther down the table Fides met her gaze, then looked down at her delicate hands. Vesta knew that despite being the goddess of loyalty Fides would remain mute, just like Venus’s father Jupiter, as they discussed Diana’s outrageous proposal that the deities ban together and strip Venus of her status as a goddess.

  Vesta and Venus had been friends for over two millennia. They’d discovered centuries ago that they had one of those happily mutually dependent relationships: Venus would pair up a happy couple, who would then need Vesta to provide them with their own home. The more matches Venus made the higher Vesta’s status as the goddess of the hearth rose.

  But not now. Vesta sighed. Her friend’s run of bad luck was certainly impacting the demand for her services, and she didn’t like it. Not one little bit. Still, a friend was a friend, something Fides seemed to have forgotten. Vesta tried to catch her eye again, but Fides looked away.

  Vesta adjusted the rosebud and baby’s breath wreath she always wore atop her thick curls, pushed her burgundy brocade armchair back and stood. She clanked the side of her wineglass with an engraved knife, hitting its fine edge louder and louder until the shrill tinkling captured the attention of all the other gods and goddesses.

  “I propose that we put Venus on probation before relieving her of her powers. After all,” Vesta glanced around the table, careful to avert her eyes from Jupiter and Mercury, “who among us would wish to be essentially made mortal?”

  There was a murmur around the room that stretched all the way to its twelve foot, vaulted, wooden ceiling. Slowly Fides pushed back her chair and stood. She raised her glass.

  “I second Vesta’s motion. To probation!”

  Inuus watched as the Roman gods and goddesses took the unprecedented step of placing one of their own on the first step toward exile.

  ****

  “Come on, let me pour you some of the nectar of the gods. By the way, you’re looking quite well today.”

  Gerard filled his daughter’s cup with some pomegranate green tea.

  Amelia grimaced slightly at the reference to the gods, then smiled and patted her father’s thin shoulder. “I could say the same about you, Dad. I was expecting you to be laid low and here you are, gallivanting around the Santa Monica Mountains from what I hear.”

  “I’m not sure I’d refer to my outings as gallivanting per se–or maybe I would,” Gerard replied, his blue eyes flashing. “I’m feelin’ good, what can I say?”

  He looked over at the wheelchair folded against the wall.

  “So what’s up with you? I expect you’ve got a lot of business at this time of year, people wanting to be in a relationship by the time the wedding season arrives so they don’t have to scrounge around for a date, bring a cousin or show up alone?”

  Amelia laughed. “Something like that.”

  She pulled a box of lemon macaroons she’d gotten from Gerard’s favorite bakery from her large brown and teal tweed bag and set them at her father’s place.

  “You haven’t looked this way in years,” he said, closing his eyes as he bit into a cookie. “What’d you do last night?”

  “I … well….”

  Gerard snapped his fingers. “I knew it! You had a date.”

  “It was a business dinner Dad.”

  “With a man? There’s no such thing….”

  “Oh yes there is.”

  “Nah, he’s interested in you. Otherwise, he would’ve met you at your office.”

  Amelia cocked her head. She’d been thinking the same thing, ever since Colin had suggested that after-hours meeting.

  “I’m sure I’m right,” Gerard continued, dunking a macaroon into his tea. “What is he, your accountant or something?”

  “He’s a client.”

  Gerard lowered his eyes. “I’m sorry, honey. It’s just that, I’d like to see you move on. Daniel would have wanted that, you know.”

  “More tea?” She stood up and walked to the pot. “I think I want a top off.”

  “Sure honey. I’ll have another half a cup. Then I’ve got something to show you.”

  When Amelia finished her tea, Gerard got up from the counter. Slowly, he made his way toward the back of his sprawling ranch house. The garden was sprinkled with tributes devoted to various Roman gods. Beneath Gerard’s bubbling fountain stood a bronzed pitchfork, as well as a statue, in honor of Neptune. To Neptune’s left a large stone peacock gazed out over the yard, a sign, according to Gerard, that Juno was keeping watch over his home.

  “What in the world? It looks like we’re on the set of a game show where you have to name that species!” Amelia cried as she looked out at the expanse beyond the garden.

  A solarium was filled with plants and insects she recognized from her childhood Camp Fire Girl camping trips. Beyond the atrium there were large fenced enclosures covered with the kind of netting used to keep dangerous animals from escaping their spaces at the L.A. Zoo. Off to the right stood a fully stocked pond. Amelia could see fish of various sizes shapes and colors swimming in the afternoon sun.

  “Have I stepped into some kind of alternate universe?”

  “Maybe.” Gerard gestured for Amelia to sit next to him on a high-backed, wooden bench that stood next to one of the high stone walls that surrounded his property.

  “Seriously Dad, what are you doing?” Amelia asked as she squinted and looked into the distance. “Are those coyotes I see back there?”

  Gerard nodded. “And I’ve got some black-tailed Jack rabbits. Remember how much you used to like them? Not together, of course.” Gerard chuckled. “Look. I’ve got pocket mice, and bob cats….”

  “Why?”

  Gerard turned his watery eyes on his daughter. “I had no choice. I’m doing what they did with the Shih Tzus; if someone hadn’t done it back then you wouldn’t have Petal.”

  “Petal? It sounds like your mind is going.”

  “Hardly. Haven’t you noticed something odd this spring? A lack of noise?”

  Amelia scrunched up her eyebrows. “You’re right. No coyotes wailing at night. Not so many birds either.”

  “I don’t know why but we’re on the brink of ecological disaster. Nothing’s mating this spring. And it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that a lack of offspring equals extinction. So I’m doing my bit. Like they did in China so you could have your dog. You see, years ago there was an edict that all shih tzus should be eliminated. They’d been court dogs and were associated with a regime no one wanted to remember. So they were destroyed, all but seven males and seven females, who’d been kept in hiding. That’s what I’m doing here.”

  Amelia hugged her father. “You’re a modern day Noah.”

  “Let’s just hope I have it in me to weather the flood. Or drought, in our case.”

  Amelia kissed Gerard good-bye and hurried off to her shop. She had lots of work to do, not the least of which was corralling all of the information she had about Randi so she could give Colin Cumin a file about her. Randi would expect her match to know things like the fact that her favorite cocktail was a dirty martini and she considered herself a whiz at Scrabble.

  ****

  Late in the day Colin arrived at Happily Ever After By Amelia. He was wearing expensive jeans and a shirt the color of the desert sky. He carried an enormous bouquet of gardenias.

  “Hey Colin.” Amelia smoothed her brown skirt and smiled. She hoped her cheeks weren’t as red as she thought – her flesh felt inflamed. “Here.” She thrust a sheath of pale pink papers bound by a pink clip into his hand. “I thought you’d want to read all about Randi before you met her.”

  “Randi?”

  Amelia nodded. “Your match.”

  Colin’s jaw dropped and his eyes flashed. A blush spread across his face, though it was gone in an instant.

  He
was obviously taken aback. His fingers closed around the stem of the flowers. Amelia watched as he staggered slightly, though he recovered immediately, a fake smile plastered onto his face.

  “Here,” he said, handing Amelia the flowers. “These are for you. A thank you, for finding me a perfect match.”

  Chapter Twelve

  “I can’t believe I’m going to admit this, but I really regret setting Colin up with Randi.”

  Amelia drained the last of her frozen margarita from a pink hurricane glass and sat back against a plump, coral cushion. Jennie reached over and stroked Petal, who was sitting in Amelia’s lap. They were having drinks in Amelia’s tiny brick courtyard, huddled beneath her heat lamp.

  “Why don’t you just ask him out?”

  “I couldn’t do that! Besides, that’s not what I mean. I, he’s just too nice to be paired up with such a vulture.”

  Jennie grabbed the pitcher that sat in front of her and refilled their glasses. “I know what you mean. She’s a real man eater.”

  The wooden gate to the front street swung open. Stella stood in the doorway, her feather trimmed shawl wrapped round and round and round her scrawny neck. A cloud of heavy perfume wafted into the courtyard.

  “Speaking of man eaters,” Amelia whispered, and Jennie giggled. “I can’t believe I said that! No more margaritas for me.” Amelia clapped her right hand across her mouth.

  “Hello Stella,” Jennie called out.

  “What’s so funny?” Stella asked as she stepped toward the table.

  “Petal was just showing off,” Jennie replied. “Sit down. Let me pour you a drink.”

  Stella sunk into the wicker chair next to Amelia and threw her head back. She clasped her hands together and snuck an admiring peek at her long red fingernails.

  “He’s left me.”

  “Fernando?” Jennie asked as she set the glass in front of Stella.

  “Fernando.”

  “That’s too bad.”

  Stella turned to Amelia. “You don’t have anything to say?”

  Amelia shrugged her shoulders. “I never liked the guy. I never like any of your men.”

  “My men? You make me sound like a tramp.”

  Amelia took a sip from her pink glass. “I mean your partners.”

  Stella laughed bitterly. “I don’t think I’ve ever had a partner.”

  “You did once. But you chose to throw him away like yesterday’s trash.”

  “Don’t mind her, she’s got man troubles of her own,” Jennie said, laying her hand on Amelia’s forearm.

  Amelia scoffed.

  “Ah.” Stella narrowed her eyes. “The Roman god?”

  Jennie nodded.

  “What’s the problem? She still won’t admit she fancies him?” Stella asked in her best cockney accent.

  “It wouldn’t matter even if I did,” Amelia replied. “The future of my business hinges on the success of his date with my most difficult client.”

  ****

  Inuus was distraught, conflicted over his feelings about Venus. He’d become increasingly disappointed with Venus’s inability to see him as anything more than a minor deity charged with ensuring the fertility of the couples she’d matched. Although he was annoyed with Venus’s dismissal of his professional capabilities, he knew she was one of the most important people in his personal life. If he were honest with himself, he’d have to admit that Venus had actually been more of a mother to him than the woman who’d given birth to him.

  For thousands of years Venus had been the one who always remembered that black forest cake from a small bakery in Bavaria was his favorite dessert. She’d been the one who celebrated his birthday with him, and noticed when he needed a haircut. She’d always found a place for him at her table, even when he and Cupid were squabbling, and was forever rejecting potential matches as not good enough for him. And yet here he was, cowering in disguise in a dark corner, failing to inform her she was in danger of being stripped of her powers.

  Inuus pulled off the waiter’s costume he’d been wearing in the days since he’d disguised himself at the meeting of the gods and goddesses. He strode toward the bank of elevators that would lead him out of the underworld. Despite Justin’s warning, he knew he had to find Venus or at least Cupid so he could let them know what was going on with the other gods. He closed his eyes and concentrated. It was so difficult to remember exactly what had happened with Justin; every time he tried to recall the scene, he was distracted by his recollection of that enormous emerald-colored stone.

  “Where to, sir?”

  The elevator operator tugged at the braided gold epaulet that hung over his maroon jacket. He reminded Inuus of those ushers he used to see standing outside Mann’s Chinese Theater, taking their cigarette breaks.

  “West Hollywood. But I want to land in front of Venus’s villa, not inside. And you’ve got to promise you’ll forget you saw me.”

  Inuus slipped a gold doubloon into the man's gloved palm that he’d received from a pirate in Barbados seven hundred years ago. The little man nodded, and turned back to his elevator panel.

  Inuus leaned against the wood-paneled wall of the elevator. He decided he would slip into one of those souvenir shops on Sunset Boulevard and buy a t-shirt, baseball cap and cheap tote bag.

  The more he thought about it, the more certain Inuus was that Cupid should be the one to inform Venus about the action the other Roman deities had taken against her. The only issue was finding Cupid. Inuus was wary of looking for him in Hollywood, after his unpleasant encounter with the man with the emerald stone, but he had no choice. He would just need to disguise himself when he went in search of his friend, so that the man would not realize he’d returned to West Hollywood. Surely the man wouldn’t recognize him if he outfitted himself like one of the tourists who strolled the wide avenues around Sunset and Vine.

  California was hotter than Inuus remembered, especially after how cool the underworld was at this time of year. He felt sweat bead on the back of his neck as he struggled to join the mass of pedestrians clogging the sidewalk. There must be one of those ceremonies today, the ones where a man or woman is photographed and people clap and smile as he or she poses next to a newly engraved star-shaped plaque. Inuus sighed. As hard as he tried, there were some aspects of life in the United States that he would never understand.

  A man approached him waving a map he claimed would lead Inuus to the houses of all the movie stars. Even though Inuus declined to buy a map or ticket for a tour, the man would not leave him alone.

  “Chill, man, I’m just tryin’ to make a buck here.” The man said as he spread his arms and stepped aside.

  Inuus grunted as he pushed past and made his way toward Happily Ever After By Amelia, the storefront he had a recollection was somehow associated with Cupid. When he was almost to the rose colored wooden door, a sunburnt man with dragon tattoos stepped forward.

  “How ‘bout a tour of Hollywood’s real hot spots?”

  Inuus pretended not to hear the man.

  “Hey dude, I can show you where to meet the real stars. They’re at the Alcoholics Anonymous meetings.”

  Inuus looked up, alarmed. “What?”

  “Let’s say you pay me a small fee and I take you there. Promise, you’ll see so many stars you’ll think you’re in another galaxy.”

  Inuus leaned to his side to avoid the man.

  “Freak,” he mumbled under his breath.

  “I thought I told you not to come back here,” A deep voice boomed. “ What part of that sentence don’t you understand?”

  Inuus looked up, startled. This man was not at all what he remembered about this neighborhood.

  “Sorry. Just came to speak with a friend then you’ll never see me again.”

  “A woman friend?”

  “No!”

  As a god, Inuus had excellent peripheral vision. So he didn’t need to turn his head as he passed Happily Ever After By Amelia in order to see the entire interior of the storefront. When
he saw that Cupid wasn’t present, he continued on down the sidewalk and disappeared around the corner. As soon as he was out of the man’s sight he felt himself relax. He’d have to put off going to the villa; this man was obviously following him.

  ****

  “Please, Madame, I’ve packed your trunks. Renaldo has made all of the arrangements. If I may so,” Fleur lowered her big brown eyes, “Madame has not been in such need of rejuvenation in a thousand years.”

  Venus sat up against her cream and taupe silk sheets and motioned for her maid, Fleur, to hand her the jewel encrusted mirror sitting atop the dressing table Napoleon had given her as a thank you for matching him up with Josephine. Fleur was right. Her normally smooth skin was slightly saggy in spots. Her eyes were bloodshot, and her lips seemed to have lost their rosy hue. Even her hair looked limp. Venus threw her legs over the side of the bed and tucked her toes into the feathered high-heeled mules she preferred to slippers.