It would have, if I wasn’t expecting her to take a tone like that. I deserved her hatred and more. What happened last year, I blamed Sigma Chi and Dean, but in the end, it was me who went along with it, me who agreed to do it. I held as much blame as the rest of them.
Fucking Dean had just wanted to break her after she left him, punish her in some sick, twisted way, and he’d gotten his wish. He got his wish, and then he immediately regretted it, not like he would ever admit it, though.
I should just walk away, but I didn’t. I asked, “Do you know when she’ll be back?”
“No,” Mel muttered. Her short nails practically dug into the wooden door frame, the look on her face deadly. “But I imagine it’ll be either today or tomorrow. You do know why she left, don’t you?”
My jaw remained clamped shut.
“She left to make herself forget you,” Mel whispered. “I hope it worked.” The words were meant to sting, and they did. Oh, they stung harder than anything else she could’ve said.
The last thing I wanted Kelsey to do was forget me, even if it was what was best for her. “Mel, I—” Again, I was going to apologize to her, but I knew no apology I said now could ever right the wrongs I’d done to this girl. She was the reason Kelsey refused to look at me. She was taking her friend’s side over mine, which I could respect.
I could respect it, but also hate it at the same time.
“Don’t bother,” Mel said. “Just go, Levi. Just go.” She shut the door in my face, not hard, but firmly enough to tell me I was not welcome here.
I stared at the shut door for a minute more, my hands curling into fists at my sides. There was no point in lingering, no point in staying here, not while I was so upset, so lost.
Lost. I was lost without Kelsey, and I hated it.
I headed down the hall, returning to the elevator landing and practically punching the down button to call the elevator back. Within a few moments it returned, and I resisted my urge to punch any walls as I got on—I probably would have, if the elevator didn’t already have three other SCC students on it.
The other students refused to meet my eyes when I got on, and I wondered if that was because I looked like I could kill, or if they’d seen the video of me and Kelsey. It had spread like wildfire, which must’ve taken some planning on Dean’s part, because not everyone on a college campus knew each other. It wasn’t like high school.
The elevator was silent on its way down, and I was the first one out, the first to leave the building. The sky above was almost too bright, too happy and sunny, considering how awful everything was. The wind was gentle and cool, but the weather was starting to change. I didn’t wear a jacket, but that was because I wanted to suffer.
As if making myself suffer would make me a better person. A better man.
There were no good men anymore, and if there were, they weren’t on this campus.
I went back to the house, which sat on the other edge of campus, away from the buildings where the classes were held. The Greek houses were near each other, their Greek letters plastered on the fronts of the houses, along with signs stuck in the dirt before them. The area seemed quiet now, but it’s where most of SCC’s parties were held, as the regular dorms were not allowed to house such festivities.
Technically, the Greek houses weren’t either, but did that ever stop anyone? No, no it didn’t.
When I pushed into the house, I immediately went towards the stairs, wanting to go up to my room and not speak to anyone, but the moment my foot hit the first step, someone called out to me. Someone said something they shouldn’t.
Dean was in the living room with a few other guys. His black hair was styled in a fauxhawk, his brown eyes as soulless as he was. “Levi,” he called out to me the moment I walked in the house, “where’d you go? Stop by your girlfriend’s place?” He laughed, and the other guys near him chuckled as well. “Does she still let you between her legs? I’m kind of surprised, after everything you did—”
My feet did not take me up the stairs; they froze right where they were at, and I was measured in pulling away from the stairwell, even more measured in walking into the living room.
Dean got to his feet, cocking his head as he studied me. “Though maybe I shouldn’t be surprised. Kelsey seems like the kind of girl who can never get enough—”
Out of all of the things Dean could’ve said in that moment, that was precisely the worst possible thing.
My blood instantly turned into a boil, my heart pounding in my chest. I didn’t blink. No hesitation whatsoever in my body as I walked right into the living room, met Dean’s cocky figure, and slammed a fist right into his jaw. The punch was so hard and so fast, Dean couldn’t prepare himself for the impact. He stumbled back, grimacing, and as the other guys in the room got to their feet, I decided to hit him again.
Why not? He egged on the beast; it was only fair that he was on the receiving end of its wrath, wasn’t it?
The second blow connected with his nose, and it was as my fist collided with his face that I heard a crack of cartilage. I was not able to get a third blow in, because the other guys had gotten in between us, pulling us apart. Two of them held me back, and a few others held Dean back, stopping him from retaliating.
“What the fuck, man?” Dean spat out, trying to shrug off the guys around him. His nose was already bleeding…and it looked a bit crooked.
“Don’t fucking talk about her like that again,” I warned, “or this’ll be nothing compared to what I’ll do to you.” I threw the two guys holding me back glares, and I jerked out of their hands, pushing past them to hike up the stairs, taking two at a time.
“You’re dead, Levi!” Dean called out to me, though he sounded pained. “You’re fucking dead!”
Go ahead, I wanted to tell him, try it. What else could Dean have in store for me? It wasn’t nearly as bad as what I wanted to do to him. I hoped his nose swelled. I hoped he looked like a fucking ogre for weeks and that it never healed right. Saying that about Kelsey…he got what he deserved, and I didn’t feel even a pinch bad about it.
Dean was an idiot. Why? A lot of reasons, most of them plainly obvious.
But something Dean neglected to realize was that a man was never more dangerous than when he didn’t have anything to lose. Me? I’d already lost Kelsey, though I wanted to get her back. Getting her back seemed to grow more impossible as the hours wore on.
When I reached my room, I slammed the door shut, plopping myself down on my bed, sitting on its edge, my back hunched over. My hands were still fists, my right one a bit sore from the hard punches I’d landed on Dean. I needed to cool down, to not let my anger get the best of me. It was hard for me to remember how things used to be, how carefree I was about everything. It would be impossible for me to focus on grades and grades alone this year. Not with Kelsey, not with Dean.
This year…this year was going to end with a bang. Dean was going to get his. I just had to play my cards right. No more fights, unfortunately.
That…that was going to be a tough one.
Chapter Three – Kelsey
Dad didn’t say much during the drive back to Hillcrest. I sat with my head off to the side, staring out of the window, watching the scenery roll by. I had to wear sunglasses, as the evening sun made everything just a bit too bright. Too happy. Too orange and yellow and just gross, honestly.
Ugh. Who even liked the colors yellow and orange? They were much too bright, too happy. Those colors were all the annoying things in life, but in color form.
My backpack sat on my lap, my arms wrapped around it. I hadn’t brought much home, just my Halloween outfit—which I’d finally changed out of before leaving the house to come back here. I hoped Ash was doing all right. I hoped she didn’t make a huge mistake like me by sleeping with whatever guy she went home with.
Clearly, it hadn’t been any one of her guys. It was with someone else. Ash didn’t deserve that. I hoped my spiraling didn’t affect her, but I knew it probably had. Just mad
e me feel like an even worse friend, really.
It was great, I knew.
“So how’s Ash doing at Hillcrest?” My dad broke the silence of the car, tossing me a quick look as he made a right turn. “Is she keeping up with her classes? I hear private institutions have more rigorous academics—”
My dad, trying to act normal, trying to act like everything wasn’t changing. It was. He and Mom were getting divorced, and Ash and I probably weren’t even friends after what I did. I hated it. I hated it so much.
“Ash is fine,” I cut in, mumbling my answer without looking at him, hoping, praying he got the hint and would stop talking about her. I was trying not to wallow, not to cry, and my dad bringing my best friend up—who I’d so recently just fucked over—was not helping me one bit.
Honestly? I wished he would stop talking.
Even more honestly? I wished I could hit the rewind button and go back to when everything was simpler. I didn’t want to relive high school, but at this point, I so would.
Dad didn’t get the hint, but at least he stopped talking about Ash when he said, “You doing okay, kiddo?” His voice softened; I’d taken some Tylenol earlier, so my head didn’t hurt as much, but a low, steady throbbing remained. “I know a lot of things have been changing for you, and I hope you know that no matter what happens between your mom and me, I’ll always love you, Kelsey. I’ll always be here for you, ready to listen whenever you need me.”
I closed my eyes. “Could we not have a heart-to-heart right now?” I muttered, frowning to myself.
“You got it,” Dad said, but I could tell he was kind of hurt. Oh, well. I hurt everyone around me, what was one more to the pile? It clearly was not healthy to spend any extended periods of time with me.
When Dad pulled his car into the turnaround beside my dorm building, I said nothing as I got out. I did force myself to turn around and wave at him as he drove off, but that was it. No I love yous, no goodbyes. That was all he would get. It was more than my mom got, before we left. I didn’t even tell her we were going, though I was certain Dad did.
Once his car was out of my sight, far off down the road, I turned and angled my head up, staring at the tall building. This…this suddenly felt pointless after last weekend. Technically, Halloween was still coming up, so I was sure there would be multiple parties still going on that I could lose myself in, but…
No. I was done losing myself. I didn’t want to repeat Saturday night.
In the waning light, the building almost seemed ominous, and I didn’t want to go in, or go up. Seeing Mel again…she didn’t have to know that I fucked up so royally during my time away from SCC, and she wouldn’t. She didn’t need anything else on her plate. What would be the tough part was pretending like everything was okay, acting like I hadn’t made one of the worst mistakes of my life.
Did I ever regret hooking up with someone before? I didn’t think so. Maybe Levi, but I’d take Levi a thousand times over what I did last night: Ash’s crush, Sawyer.
I was a terrible friend.
Granted, it wasn’t like I knew. His pink hair was covered up in that cheap Halloween spray-on dye or something. If I would’ve seen pink hair, I would’ve slowed my roll right up. I helped Ash come up with that little scheme, after all. If I would’ve known it was Sawyer, I would’ve pressed on the brakes and stopped myself from making a huge mistake. I mean, how the hell was I supposed to know Sawyer was also at a Stanton party? From what Ash told me, he liked to throw his own parties at his own damned house. I wasn’t psychic; I couldn’t predict where he’d be on that particular night.
Those were just excuses I made to myself though, to help me feel better.
I sighed, tossing the backpack around my shoulder as I headed to the side door. I didn’t go up the stairs; I went out the stairwell and into the hall that led to the main lobby. Laundry was on the first floor, along with rows and rows of small mailboxes near the front desk, a lounge on the desk’s other side.
Not once this whole semester had I checked my mail, and I wasn’t going to start now. I had no friends beside Ash and Mel, and it wasn’t like they’d mail me anything.
I headed to the lounge, sitting in a corner seat, right beside a wall of windows. The windows overlooked the street that the turnaround was on, so it wasn’t like it had a great view; still, better than nothing. Better than going upstairs and facing Mel.
I didn’t want to add to Mel’s problems. If there was one person I wanted to fool, one person who I wanted to believe everything was all right, it was Mel. She had enough she already had to deal with; I didn’t want to be the one that pushed her to the edge again. I didn’t want her to try to hurt herself because she thought she was to blame for everything.
Closing my eyes, I leaned back on the wall, or as best as I could, considering my backpack was there. My head ended up going back too far, at too weird of an angle, so I brought my head back up with another sigh. I had the feeling I’d be doing a lot more sighing now.
Life. Who knew it could suck this much?
Mel, obviously. She knew life could suck this much, if what she did last year was any indication. Still, as horrible as I felt about it, I didn’t think I’d ever reach that point, where I’d want to kill myself just to escape the awful feeling of being alive.
No, I’d just be miserable while trying to put on a brave, confident face, while pretending to be the old Kelsey and not this new one.
The new Kelsey sucked. I hated her, I really did.
I couldn’t say how long I sat there, trying to get it together, to make sure I wasn’t going to cry again when I went upstairs and saw Mel, but it was a while. A long while. But end it did, and I slowly got up, my legs a bit stiff from the lack of movement, and wandered to the elevator. I was the only one that got on, hitting the button to my floor and sighing to myself as the doors closed.
My feet drew me towards my door in the girls’ wing of the building, and I went in my pocket for the key to the lock. I pushed inside, instantly putting on a happy face. Or, well, a steady face, not the face someone wore when they wanted to curl under their sheets and sleep the next year away.
My normal face, I thought. I hoped. Guess I’d see.
Mel was at her desk, working on her laptop, though she shut it when I walked in. Bags hung under her eyes, as if she hadn’t slept well while I was gone. Ditto, sister. “You’re back,” she said, stating the obvious, watching as I walked into the room and tossed my bag on my bed and kicked off my shoes.
“Yep,” I said with my back to her, wincing at how happy and giddy my voice sounded.
“How’s your friend Ash?”
I unzipped the bag, beginning to unpack it. “She’s good. She’s got a lot of drama going on, but she’s good. I hoped I helped get her mind off things…” I stopped, knowing I’d succeeded there, but only because I’d added onto the pile of shit Ash had to deal with. Me fucking one of her crushes—that went against every girl code there was.
And there was one. A girl code. There was a bro code, and a girl code, both very different things.
Mel waited a while before asking, “And the rest of your weekend was good too?”
I knew what she was asking about without outright asking, and my shoulders tensed. Turning to face her, I gave her a grin that I hoped was believable. “It was good. Exactly the kind of weekend I needed. How was yours? Event-filled, being here all alone?” Didn’t know why I had to change subjects and put it on her, but I did.
She gave me a tiny smile. “It was good. Quiet, but good.”
We remained that way for a minute or two, both of us smiling, both of us probably telling lies they hoped the other believed. Did she think I had a good weekend? Maybe. Did I think she had a nice one? Not really. She didn’t seem like she enjoyed anything anymore, which really sucked, because I knew the drama surrounding Levi and Dean played a big part in that.
Speaking of the devil himself… Mel broke her silence, the smile falling off her face, “Dean tried calling
me a few times this weekend. I blocked his number.” She squared her shoulders, trying to look tough or something, as she added, “I figured you’d be proud of me.”
“I am. No more Dean for you. Have to snip that dick like…” Well, I was going to make a foreskin joke, but maybe I shouldn’t. Shouldn’t really have dick on the brain in general after last night. To change subjects, I told her, “And I was careful last night, Mom, so you don’t have to worry.”
Mel giggled, and just like that, we were back to our normal selves.
Mostly.
If our normal selves involved heapings of self-loathing and self-hatred…and lies.
I called it an early night, spending an inordinate amount of time in the shower, trying to rinse away every lingering touch on my body. When I closed my eyes, I pictured Levi’s face, and then I remembered fucking Sawyer, and then…then Levi’s face changed. In my mind, he walked away from me.
Supposed it was a good thing. If Levi ever found out I was with someone else, surely he’d be pissed beyond all belief. Maybe he’d be pissed enough to forget my existence entirely. A man like him wouldn’t take his girl wandering well.
But, I had to remind myself, I wasn’t his girl.
Even when we were together, we weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend. We never used labels. So…what the hell were we? Friends with benefits? Were we friends? I didn’t think so. Maybe acquaintances with benefits, if that was a thing. Not sure it was, but, eh. At this point, it didn’t really matter.
I didn’t have Levi. I had no one, nothing.
That—that was downright depressing.
After my fingers turned to prunes, I finally decided that was long enough of a shower. I quickly dried myself off and changed into my pajamas before leaving the communal bathroom and heading down the hall. Mel was already in her pajamas by the time I got back, and she gave me a small smile as she grabbed her toothbrush and toothpaste and left for her nightly routine.
Making Mistakes: A College Bully Romance (Playing Games Book 2) Page 2
