The Handbook

by H. P. Mallory

  “Well, that hardly seems fair.”

  “It hardly is fair,” he answered with that boyish grin again. “But it is what it is.”

  “So what happened to Beau?” I demanded, realizing there were still details to this story that I hadn’t found out. “Did he get kicked out or suspended, at least?”

  “No, nothing happened to him,” Derek answered with a sigh.

  “That’s bullshit!”

  “You’re telling me, sister,” Derek answered with a laugh. “Funny how all I wanted to do was teach the piece of shit a lesson without any violence, and now I’m the one without a job.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that,” I said as something else occurred to me. “Did the police get involved?”

  “No, thank God,” Derek answered.

  “How did the dean find out then?”

  “Beau, the big baby, went to tell the dean the next day. I figure he knew he could get me fired so he played his Ace.” Then he shrugged like it wasn’t such a big deal. “It’s okay, I wasn’t happy at Hamilton anyway.”

  “You aren’t just saying that?”

  “No.” Then he smiled at me. “Maybe this is fate telling me to get off my lazy ass and find another job somewhere I’d be happier.”

  “Maybe,” I answered as I couldn’t help but hope that somewhere wouldn’t be far away. “So what did you say to Beau?” I asked, not wanting to even think about Derek moving away. He’d quickly become one of my closest friends and someone I really really cared about.

  He shrugged. “That if he ever so much as looked your way again, he was going to deal with me.”

  “Really?” I asked, shocked and completely amazed that Derek would have gone to such extreme lengths for me.

  “Yeah, and I meant every word of it,” he continued. “Then the stupid asshole decided to try to take a punch at me, but the dumbass didn’t realize that my dad’s a cop so I’ve known how to fight since I was twelve.”

  I frowned at him. “So how did you end up with a black eye then?”

  “Let’s just say it took one of his buddies to hold me back while Beau, the chicken shit, took a cheap shot,” he answered with a laugh.

  “Oh my God, Derek! There were two of them and one of you!” My mouth dropped open again. “Are you hurt anywhere else? What more did they do to you?”

  He shrugged. “They got my ribs pretty good,” he said, and it was then that I realized he was slouching pretty obviously in his seat.

  “Oh my God,” I said for the nth time. “Are they broken? Have you been to the hospital to get checked out?”

  “No, no hospital,” he said as if that were the last thought to have occurred to him. “My ribs aren’t broken, but they’re bruised pretty good.” Then he faced me with another boyish grin. “But I fared better than they did.”

  “So that’s why I haven’t heard from you for the last two days,” I said as I crossed my arms against my chest and regarded him coolly. “Which I’m not happy about, by the way. You should have told me what happened so I could have taken care of you.”

  “I’m a manly man, Nik. I didn’t want some woman doting over me,” he finished with a laugh.

  “Oh, some woman, huh?” I grumbled back at him as he laughed and shrugged like he was innocent. “Well, I’m glad to know you’re okay, although I wish you had told me all of this earlier. I was worried about you and … us.”

  “Worried about us?” he asked.

  “Well, yeah, I usually hear from you every day, so not hearing anything from you for two days is weird. You should have returned my texts, you asshole,” I finished as I playfully swatted him in the arm.

  “Yeah,” he said as he dropped his attention to the steering wheel and seemed pensive again.

  “Okay, what else is going on?” I asked as I faced him. “I know that look of yours.”

  “You know me too well,” he said as he looked over at me and smiled almost sadly. “I’ve been keeping to myself the last couple of days because I needed time and space to think. It wasn’t just about the fight with Beau or the fact that I got fired.”

  “To think?” I repeated. “About what?”

  “About you,” he answered honestly as he faced me again and his eyes seemed heavy, weighted somehow.

  “What about me?” I asked while my heart began pounding and I wondered if he was going to tell me we’d made a mistake sleeping next to each other and now we couldn’t continue to be friends because he knew I’d fallen for him and he didn’t feel the same way.

  He was quiet for another few seconds, but then he turned to face me and opened his mouth but no words came out.

  “What, Derek?” I prompted him, hating the idea that he was going to keep me in limbo for another second. No matter how bad the news was, I would rather have it out in the open than go through another moment feeling like this. “Spit it out. I’m strong; I can take it,” I lied.

  “I’m in love with you,” he said finally.

  THIRTY-THREE

  The Femme Fatale Handbook

  Part Two: Putting all of this to use

  Chapter Thirteen: How to Play the Sex Game

  John here again. It seems Jane is passing off all the sexual stuff to me. Not that I mind, haha! Okay, so you’re now ready to take your relationship with your guy to the next level? He’s given you some level of commitment and you like him enough or want something from him enough that you’re willing to let him sample your pot of honey. Reminder—if you haven’t read the section about when it’s the right time for sex, go back and read it!

  For the rest of you, let’s delve right in. In this section, I’m going to tell you how to get a guy into your bedroom. Yes, you could just ask and he’ll most likely say yes, but you’re a seductress, so you don’t go the direct route! And, again, I’m going to be blunt so forgive my forwardness if it offends you. But all of this information is stuff you need to know!

  Find out what turns him on! The best way to find out what a guy is into is to ask. But do so in a non-direct, flirty and playful sort of way. Maybe make a game out of it. Find out what sort of lingerie he likes, what positions are his favorite, whether he likes romantic sex or naughty sex. The list goes on! But once you have this information, you can use it to your advantage!

  Remember to use your voice to aid your cause! A soft, sensual, feminine voice is a huge turn on to men. Think about how popular phone sex lines used to be! All it took was a woman with a sexy voice saying naughty things. Remember that practice makes perfect, so try subtly making your tone of voice softer and more sensual. And, yes, when it comes to sex, men really like it when you moan, talk and otherwise make sounds!

  Send him flirty text messages and send him sexy photos. It didn’t take a genius to come up with this one. If you send a man a sexual text message, he’s going to like it and you’re going to have a captive audience. Furthermore, I will admit that one of my biggest turn-ons is when a woman sends me a sexy picture, especially a naked one. Sorry, I’m just a man, after all! Remember that if you decide to send a man an explicit image, make sure you trust him to be the type to keep it to himself! A note about dirty talk: If you can do it. Do. The end.

  Take a clue from Cleo: Remember how you learned that Cleopatra was expertly good at becoming all women? She was theatrical and constantly changing up her makeup, hair and wardrobe. Men like variety and they can get easily bored, so borrow Cleo’s trick and make it work for yourself. Think librarian one day, schoolgirl the next, goddess the next. Not only is it a fun way to keep him guessing, but it’s fun to play dress up too!

  Sexual Innuendo: The best way to get your physical seduction going is to phrase your statements in a way that is full of sexual innuendo aka say things that might not necessarily be dirty in a dirty way. Men love anything that hints at the sexual, and this is one way to really rev up his sexual engine!

  Make him jealous! Remember when Jane talked about the power of being popular? Well, it’s true sexually as well. Don’t be afraid to flirt with oth
er men in front of him. Nothing too extreme—don’t start making out with some random dude—but it’s perfectly fine to be friendly and flirty with guys in front of him. It will stoke his jealousy and he’ll be even more inclined to want to claim you.

  Don’t be afraid to show you’re turned on! This might seem like an obvious one, but allow me to explain. When you are turned on by a guy, nature takes care of the rest. Your lips plump, you get a flush to your cheeks, you release pheromones … all of these contribute to subliminally communicate the fact that you are sexually turned on to your partner. In order to trigger the sexual goddess within, you’ll want to embrace your own desire. Allow yourself to be aroused while you talk to him, and you’ll find your sexual stimulation will echo in your body language and the way you look.

  And finally, get naked! Lose the clothes and he’ll definitely rise to the occasion, literally and figuratively. And, yes, I get that this is probably a pretty obvious point too, but there is getting naked for a guy and then there’s the seductress’s way of getting naked for a guy. The best way to do this in my opinion? Casually get completely naked and intentionally allow your guy to see you on full display while simultaneously acting completely unconcerned that he’s totally turned on. Combining nudity, unabashed confidence and nonchalant sexual desire… That’s the way of the femme fatale.

  ***

  DEREK

  Now that the words were out, I felt some level of relief. But then there was the fact that Nikki wasn’t responding, and any relief I’d experienced quickly went packing as I wondered if I’d just made a huge mistake.

  “Um, what?” she said finally as she faced me in total shock.

  “Um, I love you,” I answered with a chuckle because this conversation wasn’t exactly going the way I’d hoped it would. Yes, it was true—I was in love with her. And it’s not like this was a realization that had just sprung up on me either. The truth was that I’d been in love with her for weeks, but I’d also been so pigheaded and scared that I’d refused to admit it to myself.

  But once the situation between Nikki and Beau had happened and the resulting anger I’d experienced, I’d known the truth. There was no way I would have been as furious as I was if I hadn’t been in love with Nikki. Furthermore, I never would have, not in a million years, gotten into a physical confrontation with some chump over a woman. But I could honestly say that I would have relived the whole thing over again for Nikki. A dozen times over. She meant that much to me.

  “Derek, you screwed this whole thing up,” she said finally, frowning at me while she crossed her arms against her chest. “You weren’t supposed to tell me you love me like that!”

  “I wasn’t aware that there was a protocol for telling a woman you’re in love with her,” I answered with a smile, completely taken aback by her reaction. If nothing else, I could always count on Nikki’s unpredictability.

  “Of course there is!” she railed back at me, throwing her hands into the air. “You don’t tell her in the middle of the day after you also just told her you got fired, while sitting in your Bronco and dressed like that!” She looked at my sweatshirt and jeans with disgust. “Meanwhile, she’s sweaty and gross in her running clothes!” she continued, shaking her head. “What’s wrong with you?!”

  “Um, I’m sorry?” I asked with a shrug as I tried to understand just what exactly was going on here. I couldn’t tell if she was happy to know I was in love with her or … not.

  “I’m going to allow you a do-over,” she informed me with a clipped nod. “Tonight you can take me out to dinner at a nice restaurant that we both will dress up for and you can tell me then.”

  “Oh, is that so?” I asked with a big grin as I fought to keep from grabbing her and pulling her into me. Apparently there was a natural progression to these sorts of things, and I didn’t think an impromptu bear hug would fit the bill.

  “Yes, that’s so,” she huffed.

  “Well, what if I decide I’d rather just take it back?” I asked and then shrugged.

  Her eyes went wide. “You can’t take it back!” she insisted as I laughed and held my hands up in a faux rendition of surrendering. “Okay, okay, sheesh, don’t attack the guy with the black eye,” I said as I shook my head. We both just looked at each other for a few seconds as we stopped laughing. “I will pick you up tonight at seven.”

  “Very good,” she answered and jumped down from the Bronco. She turned to face me as she rested her hand on the door. “Seven it is.” Then she grinned from ear to ear as she shut the door and I started the engine, wondering just what in the hell went through that girl’s head. Whatever it was, I was hooked.

  ***

  “Okay, so when do I say it again?” I asked once we were comfortably seated across from one another. I’d chosen a French restaurant that I’d heard was good and one I’d been wanting to try. I was dressed in black slacks and a white, collared shirt which Nikki had, thankfully, approved of. As far as her attire went, I approved and then some as she was wearing a tight, black cocktail dress with a cute red sweater and high black heels. She’d left her hair down and it flowed around her shoulders, just how I liked it best.

  “You can say it now,” she said as she took a sip of her wine and faced me expectantly.

  “Okay, here goes,” I responded with a wide grin.

  “Minus the ‘here goes,’” she corrected me.

  “Okay,” I said and cleared my throat. “I, Derek Anderson, would like to profess my undying love for you, Nicole Sloan,” I said and then faced her expectantly. “How was that?”

  She nodded. “That was very good.”

  “And, do you have anything to say?” I asked as I downed my glass of wine and motioned to the waiter for another. Luckily he spotted me from across the room so he didn’t interrupt us.

  “Why do I need to say anything?” she asked as she attempted to conceal her smile.

  “Oh, I don’t know, maybe because it would be nice to let me know how you feel about me?” I asked with a shrug.

  “Oh, hmm,” she answered as she pretended to ponder the question. Then she smiled widely. “I, Nicole Sloan, am completely and have been completely in love with you, Derek Anderson, from the moment I met you.”

  “Hmm,” I grumbled as I sighed audibly.

  “What?” she asked with a pout.

  “Yours sounded better than mine.”

  She laughed as she shook her head and took another sip of her Riesling. “So what happens now?” she asked.

  I shrugged. “I guess this is the part where I ask you to be my girlfriend and I take you off the market?”

  She giggled and I was suddenly consumed with happiness just to see how happy she was. “Wow, this is a big step for the quintessential bachelor?” she asked, bringing up a subject that I knew she would. And it was just as well because it was something that needed to be discussed.

  “The quintessential bachelor believes it’s time he grew up,” I answered honestly. “I know what you are, Nik, and you’re a prize—just like I said the other night. And I’m a smart enough man to know when I’ve stumbled across something that could just be the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

  “I’m sure you understand my concerns?” she asked as she chewed on her lower lip like she did when she was being contemplative.

  “Of course,” I answered with a nod. “But I want to assure you that I know how I feel about you. It’s not like this is a short-lived crush that’s going to go away. I know you, Nik. We’ve been friends for a while now, and my feelings for you have never changed.”

  “Maybe that’s just because we’ve never had sex?” she countered. “I don’t mean to play devil’s advocate, but I also want to look out for myself and for our friendship too. I would never want a relationship gone sour to ruin what we have now, Derek.” She paused as she glanced down at her wine. “Your friendship means the world to me,” she said finally.

  “I get that because I feel the same way. I love our friendship, Nikki, you must k
now that?” I answered, and I did get it. It made sense. Of course it did, but that didn’t mean I was going to give up on what could be more between us. “But I’m asking you to trust me. If you care about me the same way I care about you, please give me the benefit of the doubt.”

  “And if you change your mind?”

  “I won’t,” I answered immediately, nearly cutting her off.

  “What happens if we have sex and you lose interest in me?” she asked.

  “It won’t happen,” I insisted, my expression sincere.

  “Just pretend for a second that it does, what then?”

  I took a deep breath and stalled. I didn’t want to answer her question because I was convinced sex would only make our connection stronger. “I will never let anything get in the way of what we have now, Nik. If it doesn’t work out between us, I’m telling you now that I would do everything in my power to preserve our friendship.”

  She was quiet for a few seconds as she continued to gnaw her lower lip. Then she nodded. “I believe you, and I would do the same.”

  “But let me make something very clear to you,” I continued as she glanced up at me, curiosity in her eyes. “I know that I’m in love with you. I’ve never been in love with someone else, so however I felt about women in my past isn’t something you can use to try and figure out how I will be with you. It’s like comparing apples to oranges, because I never felt for anyone the way I feel for you.”

  “Okay,” she said, still sounding reluctant to fully believe me.

  “Just trust me, Nik,” I said as I reached across the table and took her hand. “Can you do that?”

  “Yes,” she answered with a quick nod.

  “Thank fucking God,” I answered with a small laugh. “So, next question, when the hell can I take you off the market?”

  She didn’t pull her eyes from mine. “I’ve been off the market for a while, Derek, you just never knew it.”