Stressed!

by Deborah Martin

  Dinner was, as I had anticipated, marvelous. I’d have to figure a way to eat there more often. My steak was done to perfection, the wine delicious, the chocolate mousse scrumptious and Ev was on his best behavior. He made use of his napkin and even used the correct silverware for each course. I didn’t know he had it in him.

  We left McCarthy’s, Ev a couple of C-notes lighter, and Gregory drove us six blocks to the Hotel Centrale. Happy went in style, I must say, staying in the penthouse suite of one of the most exclusive hotels in the city. The view wasn’t much, just the river (too many buildings downtown overshadowed the Centrale) but you couldn’t argue with the four diamonds or the accoutrements that earned them those four diamonds.

  Happy didn’t greet us at the door. A butler-type did. I had to make an effort not to stare. The guy was dressed in breeches and a tailcoat, wore a powdered wig and held a staff in one hand. Ev hadn’t said anything about it being a costume party!

  He asked Ev who we were. He pounded the floor twice with the staff and then boomed, “Mr. and Mrs. Evander Angelich,” announcing us to a room which didn’t even seem to notice. Now I knew Happy was definitely older than he looked. No one did that anymore, unless it was a royal thing. Was it? Looking around the room, the rest of the guests were probably used to those types of introductions, royalty or not. I think I was the only mundane (read: youngest by far) there.

  After that loud introduction, I got a little nervous. What if someone we knew was there? I didn’t want to have to pretend to be Ev’s wife all the time! But all I saw were demons, obvious from the variously-colored skin and horns sprouting from their heads, a few pale-as-death vamps, and some who were probably older witches and wizards – old enough to have gray hair, anyways. I didn’t know any of them and doubted they’d know anyone we knew to spread the rumor.

  Happy detached himself from a group and came over to greet us. He was wearing that red Gucci suit again. “Amy, you look positively radiant tonight.” He kissed the back of my hand and then shook Ev’s. “I’m so glad you could come to my little get together on such short notice. May I offer you a cocktail?”

  Now that I knew what to expect, a glass of merlot did just fine for me. Ev had a beer. I was accustomed to seeing Ev hold a tiny human-sized mug in his hand but Happy had managed to get larger ones that would have served me as a pitcher. Happy thought of everything, it seemed. We both made an effort to sip, not gulp. Our host took us around the room, introducing us to some of the other guests. I noticed a pattern: we met every single demon in the room and none of the others. Ev got a little paler with each introduction. It looked like Happy was trying to intimidate him and I think it was working.

  When we had a moment alone, I tugged on Ev’s sleeve to get him to lean down to my level. “Why are you so nervous?” I asked. “We don’t know anyone here and I doubt they run in any of your circles. Relax! We can make our excuses in an hour or so.”

  “Some demons can tell if you’re lying. I think he’s trying to fish us out by using the gifts of some of his friends,” came the strained reply.

  “No one has specifically asked if we’re married. We’ve worked together long enough that unless someone asks you what brand toothpaste I use, we should be safe. And the more nervous you get, the more you sweat. Cassandra tells me predatory types can tell when you’re nervous by the changes in body odor. These are definitely predatory types so cool it!”

  Ev took a deep breath and his color started turning a little more normal. “You’re right. As long as we don’t lie, we should be good. Let’s get fresh drinks and try to mingle a little more. Maybe introduce ourselves to that wizard over there who looks a little lonely.” How did we know he was a wizard? Think Gandalf and you get the picture. I’d never met anyone who dressed in such a stereotypical fashion!

  We got fresh drinks and moseyed over to where the wizard stood staring out the balcony door, holding a glass that looked to be all melted ice and stroking his beard as some do when deep in thought. He didn’t look too happy. I touched him on the shoulder and he turned to face us. “Excuse me, I don’t believe we’ve met. I’m Amy and this is Evander,” I said to him.

  “Good evening,” he replied with a voice almost as deep and gravelly as Happy’s, with a slight Eastern European accent. “I’m Adamo. Are you friends of Happy’s?”

  “Acquaintances would be more like it,” answered Ev. “How do you know Happy?”

  “I have known him for a couple of centuries. I don’t usually come to his parties but I could find no reason to say ‘no’ to this invitation. So, here I am until I have been here long enough to make polite excuses.”

  “Ah, you, too!” Ev got excited. “We, too, are waiting until we can politely leave. How is it we find ourselves unable to say ‘no’ to his invitations?”

  At that, Adamo and Ev started comparing notes. Seems Happy had tried essentially the same thing with the wizard as he had with my boss, only a couple of centuries earlier and hadn’t gotten the memo that Adamo preferred his own company to anyone else’s. Every thirty to fifty years, Happy popped back into the poor guy’s life and tried to fix him up. It was much easier to come to a party and hang around the fringes for a couple of hours than it was to argue. It got Happy to ‘go away’ faster.

  Adamo was just waiting for the current introduction so he could say ‘not interested’, leave and get back to his solitude. He assumed it was the witch Happy was currently talking with. “Even if I liked her, I’d say no,” Adamo said. “I hate to think what strings would be attached to any relationship Happy set up. But I’ve yet to find anything interesting in any of his picks, so I think I’m safe.”

  “I wonder why he tries so hard to fix people up,” I mused. “Is there perhaps a Mrs. Happy at home that makes him Mr. Unhappy? Or maybe it’s a punishment from one of his higher-ups for something he did in his younger days. But it’s ridiculous all the same.”

  Happy broke up our tête á tête by saying he wanted Adamo to meet someone, and did indeed bring the old wizard over to the witch he’d been speaking with. Ev and I gravitated to a group of vamps and tried to engage them in conversation but all they wanted to talk about was flavors of blood. After a polite interval, curiosity got the better of us and we headed over to Adamo to see who the newest ‘suggestion’ was. She appeared to be around Adamo’s age (at least she had gray hair) but unlike him, was dressed in a normal evening gown.

  “Thank you,” they both said in unison. “We were trying to be polite but neither of us wants to be here,” Adamo said. “This is Bella, by the way. Bella, Amy and Ev.”

  “Listen, I have a suggestion,” Ev said. “Why don’t the four of us leave together? Happy will probably think he’s made his match. We can go over to the Foursquare Bar, have a cocktail and laugh at his expense.”

  “What a wonderful idea,” Bella smiled. “I never mind making new friends. It’s when Happy wants me to get a little closer than ‘friend’ that I start getting upset. At my age, I’m quite happy being single. What do you think, Adamo? Shall we beat him at his own game?”

  Adamo nodded and, looking at Ev, jerked his head in Happy’s direction. Both men went over and apparently said all our goodbyes. The four of us left, trying very hard to contain our amusement until well out of the hotel.

  The Foursquare Bar was right across the street. Although it was a popular place on weekends, we were able to get a table just as it was being vacated. Immediately after placing our drink order, we all burst out laughing.

  “I know he’ll probably check up again in another thirty years or so but to make him think for even a decade that he’d made a match will be worth the next visit,” Adamo said. “Thirty years? I get them every twenty or so,” laughed Bella.

  “I’m lucky then. I haven’t seen him in almost fifty years,” Ev said.

  “Yes, but you live longer than we do,” was Adamo’s answer. “On the other hand, this should be the last time you see him since you’re married and not to anyone he chose.”

&n
bsp; I looked at Ev and he nodded. “Actually, we’re not,” he explained. “Amy is my assistant and I talked her into acting like my wife to get Happy off my case. I hope it worked but if it didn’t, by the time he comes around again, I’ll either really be married or tell him we’re living apart because of her age.”

  “You’re a mundane?” Bella was confused. “How did you get mixed up with our crowd?”

  “I answered an ad in the newspaper for a job. Although Ev wrote straight out that it entailed working with non-humans, little did I suspect I’d get dragged into something like this. I hope this is the last of it,” I said, elbowing Ev hard enough that he grunted.

  We enjoyed our drinks and the conversation. Bella and Adamo were fairly reclusive but managed to meet some interesting people when they did come out in public. They regaled us with stories of these folks and it really was a pleasant time, at least for me. Both of them dismissed Ev’s stories, saying they had no interest in the rich and famous. I think he was a little put out but gracefully took the unspoken criticism.

  About an hour later, we were ready to leave. Ev asked the other two if we could drop them anywhere. Adamo lived a short distance away and preferred to walk but Bella took him up on the offer. Turns out she lived only a half-mile away from me and when I said as much, she replied, “Give me your phone number. If I get the urge to get out of the house, I’ll call, OK?”

  When we reached my neighborhood, we swapped numbers and she went into her house. Ev and Gregory let me off at my door and after ensuring I was in safely, pulled away.

  I put my dress in the pile to take to the cleaners and crawled into the shower to wash all the crap out of my hair. An hour later, my hair was dried and I crawled into bed, pulling the pillow over my head to stave off the early-morning sun that would be shining in my face in just a few hours. (It didn’t work. I’d thrown off the pillow during the night. I woke up to sunlight and re-pulled the pillow back over my head.)

  I spent Sunday afternoon working on the outline of the new book and making notes for future reference. (I work very unconventionally. I start writing a book and about two or three chapters in, quit the actual writing long enough to do an outline. Then I go back to writing. Strange, but it works for me.) Happy had given me even more interesting characters at his party the prior evening. The butler, for one!

  Monday dawned bright and early as it always did. By the time Ev and his hygiene problem wafted into the office, I’d already gotten the majority of the over-weekend work handled. It included talking with Ev’s (and my) investment manager (a were with a keen nose not only for meat but money) about moving some funds to a place with a higher yield and handling a complaint from Blondie about Max, the dwarf we’d assigned to her. She didn’t like the fact that he didn’t have a sense of humor and that he wouldn’t participate in any of her little rituals.

  I had explained to her that Mario had been personally requested by another long-time client (not true) and that our one other wizard was already working on a long term contract (true). We’d be happy to engage the services of another wizard bodyguard just for her but it would take some time to find an appropriate person and that special replacement would cost considerably more than she was currently paying us. Would she like me to send a revised contract to her manager for his signature? All of a sudden, Max and his quirks didn’t seem quite so bad to her. She may be a ditz in other areas but she knew her manager would scream at her for needlessly spending money.

  “Mornin’ Amy,” Ev said with a smile. “What do I need to know for today?”

  I filled him in on the morning, especially my conversation with Blondie. “When the current contract is up, let’s not renew it, OK?” I asked.

  “OK by me. She’s a real pain and I think we’ve got enough other business that we can be solidly booked when her manager calls,” he answered.

  “So, have you heard from Happy since Saturday night?” I changed the subject to the one that really interested me.

  “No, but he’s usually not around on Sundays. I’m sort of holding my breath for the next couple of days. If I haven’t heard from him by the end of the week, I’m guessing I’m good for awhile.”

  “What do you suppose makes him want to fix people up all the time? And what happens to those he actually succeeds with? Do you know anyone we can find out from? It might be worth having that information.”

  “Why are you all of a sudden this interested in my personal life? You’ve never paid a whole lot of attention before.”

  “I guess maybe because you dragged me into it, huh? I really don’t want to have to play your wife again. By the way, here’s the ring for you to return to wherever you got it. I’m not comfortable having to be responsible for a piece of jewelry like that.”

  Ev took the ring and put it into his pocket without a thought, like it was nothing more than a piece of five dollar costume jewelry. “I don’t know anyone to ask and frankly, I don’t want to put my nose into his business. Hopefully he’ll go away again and like I said Saturday night, the next time I see him, either I’ll be really married or you won’t care.”

  Ev went into his office and got on the phone. We honestly were trying to recruit more wizard bodyguards. There were mundane clients out there who didn’t like non-human guards but would happily take one who appeared fully-human but could wield more than a fist or gun. If we had more wizards on staff, we could probably expand the number of clients we served.

  Chapter 7

  Just as I was about to leave for the day, John called. He had an office set up in the basement of his house so he could work even on bright, sunny days. “I tried calling last week but Ev said you were out of the office until today. Amy, I’m really sorry about Andy’s outburst last week. I thought I had trained him properly but he’s still relatively young. Apparently the stress of an audition that afternoon coupled with too much to drink tore down his self-control.”

  “It’s not you who should be apologizing, it’s Andy,” I retorted.

  “I know but I’m having some difficulties with him at the moment. I just wanted to make sure you had my apology and assurance that it wouldn’t happen again. I do want you to continue to attend my get-togethers.”

  “Apology accepted. I do need to go. Thanks for the call, John.” I hung up and went home, thinking that whatever problems John was having with Andy, I was glad not to be involved.

  I was about to hit the sack that night when Fudge stared at the window, arched his back and hissed. He continued hissing when I heard, “Amy, which apartment is yours? I need to talk to you,” from outside. It was Andy’s voice! How the hell did he find out where I lived?

  I opened the door, careful to keep every part of me inside. Fudge followed me and stood at my side, eyes ablaze, fur on end. He’d stopped hissing but a low growl escaped his throat. Andy was standing on the sidewalk looking up at the building, just at the top of my stairs.

  “I have no wish to talk to you, Andy, especially not now, when I’m about to go to bed.”

  He made a move toward the stairs. And stopped cold. “Ouch. Your building is warded?”

  “Of course. Go away, Andy. I’m going to bed.”

  I shut the door, turned off the lights in the living room and crawled into bed. Fudge hopped on the bed but maintained his vigilance, looking toward the window. Just as I was about to turn out the bedside light I heard, “Amy, please invite me inside. I really want to talk to you.”

  Was he nuts? There was no way I was inviting a vamp into my home! I picked up the phone and called John’s cell. “It’s Amy. Come get your boy toy,” I said without preamble when he answered.

  “He’s there? Oh shit, Amy, I’m sorry. Where do you live? I’m on my way.”

  I told him where I lived (not something I really wanted him to know but this was an emergency) and hung up, resigned to the fact that I would not be immediately going to sleep. Nor would Fudge. Nor would the rest of the neighborhood. Andy kept whining, “Amy, please. I’d like to talk to you.�
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  My phone rang. It was Elinda. “What the hell is happening down there? Do you need any help?” I explained that it was a vampire, apparently lovesick and that I had called someone to come get him. “I can dump some garlic water on him from up here if it’ll help,” she said.

  “I don’t want to hurt him, I just want him to go away. His friend should be here shortly.”

  “OK but if he doesn’t go away, I will pour garlic water on him. We may not have to get up in the morning but I don’t find his mewling pleasant.” I assured her I didn’t either, and she had my permission to drench him if things didn’t calm down shortly.

  I sat on my bed, fervently wishing my life was different. First the damned demon and now this. I couldn’t call the police. They knew better than to confront a vampire. Of course they’d come if I called to report a stalker disturbing the peace, but they’d leave when Andy dropped his fangs, which he would as soon as he saw the squad car. As a matter of fact, the cops didn’t have a whole lot to do with the paranormal community. They preferred that particular section of society deal with its own problems; they had enough on their plate in the mundane world.

  Andy continued his plaint. Fudge continued his vigilance. I continued to get angrier by the minute.

  John made it to my place in record time. He must not have been at home. Less than ten minutes after I called, I heard him say quietly, “Andy, what the hell do you think you’re doing? It’s sleep time for all these people and it’s obvious Amy doesn’t want to talk to you. Come home with me. We’ll talk it all out, OK?”

  “But …” Andy sputtered.

  “No buts, Andy. You’ve already pissed Amy off more than once and I suspect unless you leave with me now, she’ll find a way to make your life even more miserable than it currently is. Come home, boy, or I’ll leave you to her.”

  I parted the curtains just enough to sneak a peek. They were standing on the sidewalk, John with his hand on Andy’s shoulder. A Jag was parked along the curb, engine running and both doors open. So I didn’t get caught looking, I closed the curtains again and listened.