by L. B. Dunbar
“And my room is over here.” Jacob gives me a mischievous grin, and I’m so ready to be with him again. It’s been almost a week since he met my family. He’s been stuck on deadline, plus I had to work to make up for the time I asked to take off, so we haven’t been able to connect. Kissing me on the plane was only a warm-up, and he steps up to me as if reading my thoughts. His mouth lowers, and he takes mine, slow and tender, and not at all like he’s kissed me before. A different kind of thrill rushes through my body at the anticipation of spending some endless time with him. Tongues join our kiss, and we press against one another, hands locking together until we hear a key turn in the door.
Startling both of us, Jacob steps back.
“Jakey.” A female voice screeches through the opening door as a body leaps for Jacob. He drops my hand to catch her, and her legs wrap around his hips. Long fingernails with white tips curl around his head as she peppers his face with kisses. “I knew you’d be back, baby.”
Too stunned to move, to allow them privacy, I remain in the middle of the room as Jacob works to remove the monkey-woman from his body. It’s like watching a failed wrestling match. Hands push at legs, which drop but immediately return to his hips once he moves to wrangle her arms. She murmurs at him until she sees me staring.
“Hello, Apple,” she purrs, a Chesire cat smile crosses her too-thin face with her too-large lips. Her legs finally drop, but her arms circle his waist.
“Pam,” I correct.
“I thought he called you a fruit.”
“A flower,” Jacob corrects, and he tugs at her upper arms wrapped around him. He presses her back without looking at me, and I’m slow to catch up on a few things.
He’s mentioned me to her.
She recognizes who I am.
She knew he was coming home.
What the hell am I doing here?
“Mandi Hamilton, this is Pam Carter. Pam, Mandi.” He waves a hand between us. His voice strains, but he doesn’t look at me. Instead, he glares at the woman before him, who is a modern-day Wonder Woman with her dark glossy hair, deep eyes, and plush maroon lips.
“Mandi, what are you doing here?” Jacob addresses her.
“I heard you were coming home, and I wanted to greet you when you got here.”
“How did you get in the building?”
She pouts at him, and I almost take that as her answer. She’s stunning and a woman who looks like she’s never denied her way. “My keys, baby.” She speaks as if he’s a simpleton, and her hand lifts for his cheek, but he catches her wrist before she touches his face.
“Watch it,” he warns her, and I’ve seen enough.
“I’ll give you two a few minutes. Maybe I could freshen up.” I point at the loft, suggesting the bathroom upstairs. I need to get as far away from these two as I can.
“Lilac,” Jacob pleads, finally looking at me, but I have nothing to say. My thoughts race.
We had sex.
He was just kissing me.
She knew he was coming.
How? When? Why? He must still be talking to her. He said it was over, and I know better. I. Know. Better. Their on-again, off-again relationship has been going on for years. It’s unhealthy, Ella once explained, and she didn’t have to tell me twice as just the thought of a back and forth relationship means it’s not solid.
Not to mention, I’m suddenly wracked with guilt. If they’re still together, and I didn’t know, I slept with him as another woman’s man. After that happened to me with Brendan, I swore I’d never do that to another woman, no matter who she is.
Excusing myself, I take the staircase to the balcony and help myself to a bedroom. Once inside, I lock the door and fall against the barrier. Tipping my head back several times, I will myself not to cry.
Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
Uncertain how long Jacob will be with her, I curl up on the bed in the room and close my eyes. All I see are visions of them. Her wrapped around him. Him over her like he had been with me. Fighting the pain of them together, I eventually doze off, my systems shutting down with the heartache.
I wake a while later to sense Jacob behind me as I lay on my side. I look over my shoulder to find him on his back, staring at the ceiling.
“What happened?”
“Somehow, she knew I was coming here.” He scrubs a hand down his face and lays it on his chest. His other arm is bent with his hand behind his head.
“You didn’t call her?”
He huffs in response.
“She’s very pretty,” I say, not certain why I’m complimenting her.
“She’s also all of twenty-seven.” Age gap and Malibu Mandi—lucky man. My irritation at her presence grows as I consider how beautiful she is and how young.
“Is she back for marriage?”
“I already told you I wasn’t marrying her,” Jacob says, his tone dry, and I shift to sit up, twisting to face him.
“Oh, let me guess, she decided she doesn’t need you to marry her. She just wants to have you in whatever manner you’ll take her.” This was classic, and I’d almost been that girl once in a relationship before Brendan. It’s another reason I thought Brendan and I were solid. He’d actually proposed to me.
“Lilac,” he groans.
“I promised myself I’d never come between a man and a woman.” I glare at him.
“Stop it,” Jacob snaps.
“What am I supposed to do here? Pretend she isn’t here.”
“She isn’t here. She left,” he says, eyes narrowing.
“But she’ll be back. She’d be a fool not to return for you.”
“Why? I’m no fucking catch,” he snaps.
“Bullshit.” We glare at one another.
“Then catch me,” he says, but I shake my head.
“You don’t like games. Well, neither do I. And this . . .?” I point toward the door. “I don’t play. I’m not fighting some other woman for your attention, but don’t worry, I won’t be giving you an ultimatum. You’re a grown man, Jacob. You can make your own decisions.”
He sits up and tackles me back to the bed. “I chose you. I brought you to New York with me.”
“Where she already lives?” She has a key to his place, which means she’s easily circling within his life.
He leans toward me, but I’m still too raw to kiss him. I turn my head, and he gets my cheek.
“Way to kick a man when he’s down, Lilac,” he mutters to my ear.
Well, how does he think I feel? I’ve just witnessed a beauty queen hanging off him, and I’m wondering why the hell he’d want to sleep with me when he could sleep with that.
Jacob presses off me and scrambles off the bed. Without another word between us, he exits the room, slamming the door, and I flinch. I’m not going to fight with him like her.
I don’t play that way.
+ + +
As it grows dark outside, I hear muffled voices come from below. Ethan and Ella have arrived, and I feel safe enough to leave the room. My suitcase made it to the bedroom, and I change my clothes, wanting a shower but accepting a fresh outfit as second best.
Exiting the room, I notice eyes follow my movements as I cross the landing and descend the stairs to the living room. Jacob’s slanted eyes tell me he’s spent the day drinking, and I’d feel sorry for him if I didn’t already feel sorry for myself. I slept with a man still attached to another woman. Maybe she’s young. Maybe she’s entitled, but she’s still his woman. My skin crawls.
“Hey, you guys finally made it,” I say to them as eyes shift around the room, sensing the tension between Jacob and myself.
“We did, and I’m starving. I want all the New York experiences,” Ethan teases.
“Let’s order Chinese.” Ella suggests her favorite place.
“Have you eaten?” she addresses me next, and I shake my head. I haven’t eaten all day when I think about it, and Ella’s head turns to her brother.
Jacob struggles to stand as I admit to not eating, and Eth
an follows him to the kitchen area where the open space isn’t separate enough to dilute their discussion.
“What the fuck is your deal, man?” Ethan whispers, but his voice carries.
“Don’t worry about it,” Jacob states, slurring his words.
“Well, I am worried.” His eyes shift to me and back to the man holding himself up by the kitchen cabinets. “Because I’m worried about her. What happened?”
I don’t need to hear Jacob to know the name he says under his breath, and Ethan tugs at his hair, holding his wild curls at the top of his head.
“What did she do?” Ella whispers to me, and I meet her eyes.
“She conveniently showed up just as we arrived.”
Ella’s eyes widen in horror, and Jacob turns to face us.
“I didn’t ask her to be here.” His voice projects, but I don’t know how to respond. His eyes land on mine. “I only want time with you.” He scrubs a hand down his face. He’s telling me something, but I can’t read him. I don’t want to guess his thoughts. He’s a master of words, so he needs to use them.
Looking back at Ella, I lower my voice. “She was all over him. Wrapped around him, kissing him, calling him baby.” I swallow around the lump in my throat. I’ve made such a huge mistake being here, thinking I was someone to Jacob.
“I don’t think I should be here,” I whisper.
“Bullshit!” Jacob yells from the kitchen, and I flinch at the aggressive tone.
“Hey,” Ethan interjects, as things are spiraling out of control. Jacob shoves at Ethan, but Ethan pushes back, pinning Jacob to the cabinets behind him. Ella screams next.
“Jacob.” Something in the firmness of her voice turns his head to her, and his face crumples. What the hell? I don’t know what I’m witnessing other than a scene from their history somehow. Jacob’s eyes travel to me.
“I’m sorry, angel.” Ethan releases Jacob, and Jacob stumbles to his bedroom. His door closes with an audible click, and the tension in the room deflates like a released balloon.
“What the hell?” Ethan turns to us and then rushes Ella, who’s visibly shaking. “I’m sorry, princess.” He strokes her face, and she leans into him.
“It’s not your fault,” she murmurs to his chest, and for the second time today, I feel like an intruder in this room. Ella turns to me, still leaning against Ethan. “And I’m so sorry you saw him like that.”
I shake my head, dismissing her distress. This isn’t Ella’s issue. Jacob has a problem. Several actually. His past. His alcohol. His recent relationship.
“She’s so volatile for him. So destructive. Did she hit him when she was here?” I think about Mandi’s raised hand and how Jacob caught it, warning her.
“Has that happened before?”
Ella’s sad eyes answer the question. “He doesn’t understand that’s not how love works.”
Jesus.
“He cares so much about you. He’s excited you said yes,” she weakly defends, but I don’t know what to think.
“Okay, maybe we should just order the food and calm down a bit. I almost hate to suggest it, but I think we could all use a glass of wine,” Ethan says. Ironically, the elephant in the room is Jacob needs help, yet each of us feels the need for something to soothe our nerves. But Jacob’s alcohol issue is more than just nerves.
When the food arrives, Ella, Ethan, and I eat and discuss the city that never sleeps. Between shrimp fried rice, wontons, and eggrolls plus wine, I’m emotionally exhausted and food satisfied. Once we finish the second bottle of wine, I easily fall into bed. However, sometime during the night, I have a bed buddy. He slips up behind me, wraps an arm around me, and tugs me to his chest.
“Are you sleeping?” he asks, with a voice that sounds clearer than earlier.
“What do you want?” I mutter sleepily. Jacob nuzzles his nose into my nape, inhaling my skin just under my hairline.
“You’re too good for me, and I know that. I don’t deserve decent things in my life,” he says. “It’s why I don’t deserve you, angel. I don’t know what I did to have you in my life.” Then he huffs. “Actually, I know what I did. I crashed into a tree, made you miss your father’s death, and begged you to be my friend. I don’t want to lose you.”
I roll, shifting to my back, and Jacob scoots to my side. “You didn’t beg me to be your friend, and as your friend, you need help, Jacob.”
He sighs, falling to his back and staring up at the ceiling.
“What if you were more than a friend? What if you loved me like your family teased?”
How does he not see it wasn’t just innocent teasing? I am in love with him, but I’m not admitting my emotions tonight. Not with Mandi still an issue, and his drinking a major concern for me.
“If I loved you, I’d want you to love yourself enough to get help. Because I can’t just ask you to get the support you need. Like I told you earlier, you’re an adult, Jacob. You need to make your own choices for yourself.”
I’m not dismissing his choices, but I also can’t enable them either. I said I wouldn’t give him an ultimatum, and I’m not, but I can’t stand by and watch him keep drowning.
“Pretend you love me. Would you leave me if I didn’t stop drinking?” he questions, and I fight the urge to roll my eyes. I don’t have to pretend anything.
“Would you want me to go?”
Jacob remains looking at the ceiling. “I don’t ever want to lose you,” he quietly admits, and while my heart should soar at the confession, it’s longing for the emotion I want him to have. I want him to desire me.
“Then I guess you have things to think about,” I whisper in the dark.
“I always fuck things up. I’m the monster in my own story, destroying what I have that’s good.”
“What’s been good in your life that you destroyed? Mandi isn’t good for you, Jacob, and I’m not saying that because of how I feel. I’m saying it as a friend, as someone who cares about you. It’s not healthy to be with her. As for good things in your life, you have an amazing stepsister who loves you like blood.”
“I damaged her too,” Jacob says, still holding onto the guilt of the man who attacked her.
“That wasn’t your fault, and it’s another issue I think you should talk to someone about. Your hurts are like books stacked too high and inevitably going to tumble. You need the chapters of your life read and analyzed, not critiqued.”
“Aren’t they the same?” he questions, turning to look at me.
“I don’t think so, honey,” I say, softening my tone. “You need a hard look at your past and maybe the present, and learn to distinguish what’s noteworthy and what’s not, so you can have an amazing future.”
Jacob’s finger comes out to caress along my hairline. “How did I get you in my life?”
“By accident,” I say with a weak tease. Sometimes I’ve wondered if that accident was more than an accident but some kind of happenstance. Admittedly, it’d be strange to think my father sent this man to me in some fluke of the universe—a passing of the guard of sorts. I’d like to think my dad would never make love so complicated or give me a man so complex.
Jacob huffs without humor. “Would it be too much to ask you to wait for me, Lilac? Stick with me while I figure out my shit?”
As I’ve already spent years on him, what would be a little more time, but I’m tired of putting my life on hold for someone else. It’s not that Jacob is hopeless, but I’m the romantic who has held on to him. I guess I have things to think about as well. As I’m quiet too long, Jacob speaks again.
“Don’t give up on me, angel. Not yet.”
Chapter 17
Field Trips and Mind Games
[Jacob]
When Pam wakes the next morning, I’ve already been down to the gym to secure my place in an amateur fight on Saturday. I’ve had an intense workout before running miles back to the condo to get rid of the alcohol in my system, the negative results of Mandi, and the wood I have for Pam. I couldn’t sleep
most of the night after our chat on her bed. I hate that she’s even in the guest room, and her separation is a reminder that things need to change.
I’m going to lose her if I don’t change.
And I accept that it’s not a personality trait or a character flaw or even giving up scrambled eggs for fried. This is letting go of the past somehow, and that somehow is the difficult part. I don’t know what to do.
I arrive back at the condo to find Pam dressed in comfortable clothing like she’s going for a walk. In an attempt to turn this trip back around to the exciting time I wanted her to have, I ask, “What’s on the agenda today?”
On the plane ride to New York, we discussed things she wanted to see. We only have three days, so it has to be the highlights on this trip. I want to bring her back here again, but this might be the only chance I get with her after last night. I want to make it right. I want to make it good for her. I want her to be happy.
“I’m going for a walk in Central Park.” The distinct way she says I’m leads me to think she wants to go alone, but that’s not happening.
“You can’t walk Central Park alone when you don’t know where you’re going.”
“I’ll take a map.” She bends to put on running shoes.
“Which screams tourist, and I happen to know a personal tour guide who can take you anywhere you want to go.”
She looks up from tying her shoe. “Really? A personal guide? Sounds expensive.”
I lower to my haunches before her, dropping my voice. “He takes payment in alternative ways.”
She laughs, breaking some of the tension between us.
“Kisses are applicable.”
Pam gently shoves at my shoulder, and I fall back to the floor. “Too expensive.”
