Unremembered

by Jessica Brody

  ‘How far away is this place?’ I ask.

  She jumps slightly at the sound of my voice but quickly composes herself. ‘About forty-five minutes.’

  As we drive, I think about Zen.

  About what I’m willing to do for him.

  After tonight I’ll be back there. At the Diotech compound where I came from. Where this all began.

  Except this time, Zen won’t be there.

  There’s no way they’ll ever allow him to come back. There’s no way they’ll ever allow me to see him again.

  But it’s worth it. As long as I know he’s alive, I’ll be able to live with my decision.

  The meaning of the poem has never been clearer to me than it is right now.

  ‘Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds.’

  Circumstances cannot change how you feel. When you truly love someone – on a level that goes deeper than your mind, deeper than your memories, all the way to the very thing that makes you human – you do whatever it takes.

  You save him.

  I just hope I get to see him one more time.

  ‘Are you scared?’ Maxxer asks me.

  I contemplate his question. I guess I really hadn’t thought about it until now. I’ve been so preoccupied with finding Zen. Saving Zen. Protecting Zen. I didn’t even stop to think about my own future. About what it will be like when I return to the Diotech compound.

  The truth is, I have no idea what my life will be like after tonight. I don’t know what they’ll do to me, since I have no recollection of anything they’ve ever done.

  I only know that I won’t be with Zen.

  And that’s the most terrifying thought of all.

  ‘Yes,’ I finally reply. ‘I’m very scared. But I have to do this.’ I breathe in. ‘I love him.’

  Maxxer nods. ‘I know.’

  I turn and study her face, the dashboard lights reflecting off the lenses of her glasses. I don’t know where I’d be without her and yet she’s still so mysterious to me. An enigma. There’s so much about her I don’t know. And then it suddenly dawns on me just how much she seems to know about me. Practically everything, actually. She knew it was me chatting with her in the coffee shop. She knew where to pick me up. About the phone call with Alixter. My entire story with Zen. How I got here and everything that’s happened since. She knew exactly what I wanted to know.

  It’s as though she’s been one step ahead of me this entire time.

  And I didn’t even think to question it until now. I was so wrapped up in what she knew, I didn’t even stop to think about how she knew.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ she asks, evidently sensing me staring at her.

  ‘How do you know so much about me?’ I ask. ‘You left Diotech before me and yet you’ve been talking about everything as though you were there. You had all the answers. And at some point, you even seemed to have the questions too. Plus, when we were chatting online, you knew it was me. You knew where I was and you even knew when my phone was about to ring. You couldn’t possibly know all of that unless . . .’

  ‘Unless what?’

  ‘Unless . . .’ I begin again, but I can’t seem to come up with a logical response.

  ‘Unless I can see the future?’ she says, flashing me a shrewd smile.

  I turn and gape at her.

  ‘Don’t look so surprised,’ she says. ‘You know how transession works now. And I already explained this to you during our online chat.’

  ‘You did?’

  ‘You asked who I was, and I said I was—’

  ‘An old friend,’ I finish, quoting her exactly from the transcript that’s now etched into my memory.

  ‘You just assumed I was a friend from the past.’

  ‘You mean, we met in the future?’ I venture, completely unsure of the words coming out of my mouth.

  ‘Yes,’ she says. ‘Although technically it’s your future, not mine. For me, the meeting has already happened. That’s how I knew so much about you. Or even that you existed. Because you told me everything. About the phone call, about Zen, about when you would contact me, and what you would ask. You even told me what search terms you would use on the Internet. That’s how I knew how to set up the message-board posting so you would find it. And find me. The only thing you conveniently managed to leave out was the kid.’ She jerks a thumb over her shoulder and I glance back again at the still unconscious Cody.

  ‘I’m still confused. When is all this going to happen?’

  ‘For you, the meeting will take place . . .’ She pauses, biting her lip. ‘Well, you’ll find out soon enough. Let’s just say you and I are destined to play a very important role in each other’s lives.’

  I struggle to follow her explanation. ‘So you’re saying that sometime in the future – my future – I’m going to travel back to somewhere in the past – your past – and I’m going to tell you how this day happened?’

  ‘Yes. But not only that, you’re going to send me here – to this point in time – to help you.’

  I shake my head. ‘This is crazy.’

  She laughs. ‘Welcome to my world.’

  Twenty minutes later, Maxxer pulls the car to the side of the road and kills the engine. I peer through the windshield but there’s really not much to see. Through the darkness, I can make out nothing but miles of jaggedly cut red-rock mountains.

  Maxxer takes the phone from my lap and shows me the screen. ‘As you can see, we’re currently at 35.34128, -117.971756. Which means you have to travel approximately three miles north-west to get to the coordinates Alixter sent.’

  I nod, feeling my stomach start to churn. ‘OK.’

  ‘You should take this phone with you. It’ll help lead you to the right place.’

  I grab it and stuff it in my pocket. ‘Thanks.’ Then, with a deep sigh, I step out of the car. I open the back door and duck inside. Cody is still out. His body is sprawled across the seat, the side of his face pressed into the black leather upholstery.

  ‘Are you sure he’s going to be OK?’

  ‘He’ll be fine,’ Maxxer assures me. ‘After I drop you off, I’ll drive him home and put him to bed. When he wakes up in the morning, he won’t remember any of this. Or me.’

  I know I will probably never see Cody again. Or Heather. Or Scott. The thought saddens me but I understand it’s the way it has to be.

  I bend down and whisper into his ear. ‘Goodbye, Cody.’ And even though I know he can’t hear me and won’t remember any of this anyway, I add, ‘When I get back to my home planet, I’ll be sure to send you the hottest thirteen-year-old girl I can find.’

  Then I plant a soft kiss on his exposed cheek. It’s the first time I’ve kissed anyone since I lost my memories. And although I know it’s not the same kind of kiss I witnessed between Zen and me when we were on the compound, it still fills my body with warmth.

  I give his blond hair a ruffle and shut the back door. I walk around the front of the car, and Maxxer rolls down the window.

  ‘Well,’ I say with a weak smile, ‘I guess I’ll see you later?’

  She chuckles. ‘Yes, you will.’ Then she reaches out the window and grabs my hand. ‘Be careful.’

  I nod. ‘I will.’

  I start to turn but stop when I hear Maxxer say, ‘Actually there’s one more thing I’m supposed to tell you.’

  ‘What’s that?’

  ‘Just a little piece of advice that you asked me to relay to you.’

  ‘That I asked you?’ I confirm.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘OK,’ I say warily. ‘What advice did I have for myself?’

  She closes her eyes for a brief moment, as if trying to remember the exact words. When she opens them again her expression is serene. Placid.

  ‘Trust your heart,’ she says, her gaze drifting downward for a moment, in the direction of my chest, before returning to meet mine again. ‘It’s the only thing that will never lie to you.’

  43

  FALLEN

&nbs
p; As I start to run, gaining speed by the second, I feel the cool prick of moisture on my cheeks. I hadn’t even realized I’d started crying again.

  But the warm wind whisks against my face, roughly brushing the droplets away, and the arid desert climate immediately dries my skin. Leaving behind no trace of the tears. Or the emotions that summoned them.

  I run as fast and as hard as I can. Although the map is still displayed on the cellphone in my pocket, I don’t need to look at it. I already memorized it. Plus it’s almost as though my mind knows exactly where to go anyway. As though I have some kind of internal GPS system working as well. My body steers itself.

  I reach the base of a towering rock formation and slow to a stop. The facade is spectacular. Painted in thick stripes of burnt red, grey and sandy white. Large turrets seem to be carved right into the face. Like hundreds of miniature castles stacked side by side. The result is both magnificent and creepy at the same time.

  I glance up at the peak. Looming ominously. Rising several hundred feet in the air. Made even more daunting by the dark night and the faint moonlight reflecting off the top.

  From how far I’ve run and what direction I’m facing I know that the coordinates are leading me right there. To that summit.

  That’s where the two numbers meet: 35.35101 and -117.999523.

  Where they intersect.

  Collide.

  Where everything collides.

  My past and my future.

  The one I love and the one I despise.

  His freedom and my imprisonment.

  It’s the memory of Zen’s face that pushes me forward. The feeling of his arms wrapped around me, his lips pressed against mine, the sweet sound of his voice as he promises that they will never be able to take him away from me.

  As I find a groove in the rock and position my foot to take my first step upward, I know that he was right.

  No matter what happens next, no matter what they do to me, he will always be there. Even if I can’t remember him.

  The ascent is difficult. At times I’m forced to scale the side of the butte using only small indents in the cliff to place my hands and feet. My strength proves advantageous several times. I slip more than once, nearly plummeting to the ground hundreds of feet below. But I still reach the top in less than twenty minutes.

  I pull myself up with my hands and throw my legs over.

  I’m not sure what I expect to see when I stand up and brush the red dust from my clothes, but the sight still surprises me.

  It’s empty.

  There’s absolutely nothing here apart from a miraculous view of the stars and a brilliant red-rock mountain range.

  I walk in a small circle, taking in every square inch of the summit, but can find no sign of life.

  Was it a trick?

  Are they not even coming?

  But then why lead me all the way up here for nothing? If it’s really me they want, why wouldn’t they be here to apprehend me?

  I walk to the other side of the peak and glimpse over the edge. There’s nothing but sharp, jagged, rust-coloured rock as far as I can see. The drop down into what I suppose must be Red Rock Canyon looks infinite. As though there’s no bottom. It just keeps going until you fall out the other side of the earth.

  But it’s not the depth of the canyon that catches my attention.

  It’s the large crevice that seems to be cut out of the side of the wall directly below me. It looks like the mouth of a cave.

  I take the phone out of my pocket and check my location. Just as I suspected, I’m standing right on top of the blinking blue dot. And then it hits me. GPS coordinates are only two numbers. Two dimensions. Longitude and latitude, X and Y. There’s no Z.

  And because there’s nothing right here, it can mean only one thing.

  The actual destination must be below me.

  Inside that cavern.

  I glance over the side again. The entrance to the cave is about ten feet down. And the opening has a lip that protrudes a few inches from the rest of the canyon wall. If I hang off this edge and allow myself to drop, I will theoretically end up right on that rim. That’s if I can manage to land on the tips of my toes and keep my balance long enough to duck forward into the cave.

  I return the cellphone to my pocket and unclasp the locket from around my neck. I wrap the chain around my arm a few times, until only the smooth black-and-silver heart-shaped emblem is dangling under my wrist.

  As soon as I’m safely on that ledge, I’m going to drop it into the canyon.

  Diotech will surely confiscate it if they find it on me and I can’t stand the thought of it in their possession. It’s too valuable.

  If I can’t be with Zen, then the locket has no real purpose.

  And I’d rather it be at the bottom of this void than in the hands of the people who tore us apart.

  I take a deep breath as I drop to my knees and slowly crawl backwards. My left foot finds the edge first, slipping over the side and dangling precariously. I feel for any kind of rock or uneven surface to use as a foothold but find nothing.

  A few pebbles tumble over the side and I wait to hear the sound of them hitting the ground but it never comes.

  The canyon is too deep. Even for my ears.

  I push my right foot over next, strengthening my grip on the rugged ground. I continue to slither backwards on my stomach until I’m hanging completely over the edge of the canyon wall.

  I don’t want to look down but I have to in order to align myself with the opening of the cave so that I can make sure to drop right on to the protruding ledge.

  The sight of the infinite abyss below me sends tremors of terror through my body, tensing my muscles and numbing my brain.

  I breathe in and out, fighting to maintain my composure.

  I only have one chance to make this. I need to stay calm.

  With a deep swallow and a large gulp of air, I point my toes, picture Zen’s beautiful brown eyes, and let go.

  It feels as though I’m falling forever. In my mind I manage to convince myself that I’ve missed the edge of the cave completely and will be descending until the end of time. Or until I reach the bottom of this canyon. Whichever comes first.

  I also manage to convince myself that, without me, they’ll have no use for Zen. That my death will set him free. And that maybe this wasn’t the worst option in the world.

  But then my toes slam against something hard. My eyes focus just in time to see a dark tunnel in front of me and I realize that I’ve landed right where I wanted.

  However, I also realize that the acceleration of the fall has knocked me off balance, and I feel myself tipping backwards. My heels dip into nothingness and I thrust my weight forward, fighting to stay on my toes . . . and on the ledge.

  But I must have tried to offset my fall too strongly because while the top half of my body is flung forward, the bottom half is flung back. My legs drop into the void and I feel the rest of me being dragged down with them.

  My chest hits the ground hard, knocking my breath away. I scramble to grab on to something, clawing my nails into the unhelpful scarlet-coloured dirt.

  Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.

  One by one, each of my long, shapely fingernails snaps in succession. And now I only have my fingertips to use for traction. But they’re too smooth to grip on to anything.

  Gravity is no match even for me. It’s too strong and too relentless. The rough rock beneath me scrapes away the skin on my stomach, chest and forearms. I slip further and further, losing willpower and hope with each passing second.

  Until I have nowhere else to go but down.

  44

  HOLLOW

  I close my eyes and surrender to the pull of the abyss. Once I stop struggling, I fall much faster. It’s a liberating feeling. My hands, instead of grappling to hang on to something, slide smoothly and effortlessly through the amber dust.

  It’s so easy to simply let gravity take control of my fate, it almost doesn’t seem real.
>
  And who knows, maybe it isn’t.

  Maybe this whole thing is just another implanted memory and when I open my eyes I’ll be back on the compound with Zen, telling him stories about our attempted escape into the past.

  But I know I’m only kidding myself.

  Nothing in my life has felt more real than this moment.

  Death is not a memory you can fake.

  My hand unexpectedly hooks around the sturdy frame of something smooth and leathery and I’m jolted back into the moment. My fingers instinctively wrap around whatever they just touched and my fall is halted right as I’m about to disappear over the edge.

  My body wrenches to a stop. One hand grips the mysterious object of salvation while the rest of my body dangles precariously above the endless chasm below. I twist and pull until I’m able to wrap my other hand around the same surface.

  I strain my neck to look up until I can finally see what it is that saved me. The smooth, leathery object that I’m hanging on to for life.

  It’s the heel of a large black boot.

  Attached to an even larger man.

  I immediately recognize his harsh blunt features, scarred face and short cropped hair.

  He reaches down with one of his massive chapped hands, wraps it around my arm and pulls me up.

  He moves fast. And as soon as I’m back on my feet he yanks my arms behind my back and clasps them together with the same thick metal chains they used to detain me in the old, rundown barn. The ones Rio released me from.

  He must not notice the necklace wrapped around my arm or the locket dangling from the underside of my wrist because he doesn’t try to remove it. And I manage to cup the heart-shaped amulet in my hand, hiding it from view.

  I don’t tell him that the chains are pointless. I’m not going to fight. Or run. Despite every fibre in my body screaming for me to.

  Perhaps some human emotions are simply stronger than DNA.

  Besides, I agreed to be taken. I’m surrendering. And that’s exactly what I came here to do. Resisting would only drag the process out longer.